My Clarity

by M. Clarke

  “Can you promise me that?”

  When I couldn’t, she pushed me away and walked out of the kitchen. “I don’t understand,” she started to say. “Why would you want to risk your life like that? Let me guess…is Nolan going to be in the race, too?”

  “Yes, but that’s not the reason.” I followed her to the living room.

  “Really?” she challenged, gazing at me as if she couldn’t tell if I was telling the truth, and then she continued, “You say you love me and want a future with me, but that’s all talk, isn’t it?”

  I wanted to go to her, but knowing how upset she was, she would only push me away. “That’s not fair. I told you that I do and I meant it. Like I told you before, I signed up for this before I even met you. Speaking of which, you’re not considering what I want. What I need to do for you, for us, as a man. You don’t understand.”

  Alex crossed her arms. “That’s different. You’re putting your life on the line. And we don’t need the money.”

  “That’s easy for you to say when your parents provided for you. I had to do it all by myself.” The words came out of my mouth so fast; I immediately regretted saying them. I couldn’t even take it back. Shit! “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean….”

  Alex grabbed her purse and opened the front door. “You’re right. Maybe we just don’t understand each other. Maybe we are two opposites that don’t complete each other. I have to go to work. Do whatever you want because obviously what you’re really doing is thinking about your ego and your greed. You might as well sell your soul to the devil.”

  The door slammed behind her. I didn’t know what to do.

  It was close to dinnertime, and neither Alex nor I had texted or called each other. We were both being stubborn. Alex’s words replayed in my mind like a broken record, but there was no turning back. I knew she would get over it once I brought home the prize money. After all, we wouldn’t need to fight about me racing ever again since I promised her I wouldn’t race after this. Looking at my watch, I grabbed my keys and headed to Seth’s dad’s garage.

  “Sorry, I just got your text,” I said, seeing the back of Seth’s head. He was bent down, wiping the wheels on my bike. I made eye contact with the other employees, greeting them all with a little smile. The smell of grease and being surrounded by cars in various stages of repair always excited me, but I could never be a mechanic. I’d rather drive them, not fix them.

  “You’re early.” Seth stood up and tossed the towel on the table against the wall.

  “I can’t believe your dad sold my bike already. Speaking of which, where is he?”

  “He went out to run an errand. Besides, you sold it to my dad first, so you can’t say it’s your bike anymore,” he reminded. “And of course he did. It’s beautiful. I still can’t believe you gave it up. You’re really serious about Alex, aren’t you?”

  I shifted my body a little and waited a second to answer. “I am,” I finally said. “I know for sure she’s it. I don’t doubt it at all.”

  Seth set some items in the toolbox. “Does this mean you’re backing out of the race?”

  “No,” I snapped. I didn’t mean to, but already feeling fired up from the fight with Alex, I was agitated that he was on her side.

  Seth threw up his hands as if to surrender. “Whoa. I didn’t know that question was going to upset you.”

  “Sorry. It’s just that Alex and I already had a fight about it, and I feel like shit. I’m trying to decide what to do.”

  “Good. Think about it while you do me a favor.” Seth threw a set of keys at me.

  “What’s this for?”

  “Your last ride on your bike.”

  Alexandria

  It was extremely busy today, which was rare for a Saturday, but I was glad. I didn’t want to think about the fight Elijah and I had. Was I being unreasonable? I didn’t think I was, especially when it came to his safety. I knew for a fact that if the roles were reversed, he would say and think the same as I did.

  Regardless, in the end, I knew the choice was his. I never wanted him to bring this up later, wondering what would have happened if only I’d let him go. He might end up resenting me for it. I never wanted to be the controlling girlfriend, so I decided not to call him, though it was killing me inside. Ultimately, it was his decision.

  Day had turned to night so fast I didn’t realize that it was closing time. Since I wasn’t closing tonight, I checked out with my boss and said good-bye to my co-workers.

  Lexy’s shift had ended earlier, so when I saw her coming toward me with a dreadful look on her face, I knew something was wrong.

  “Lexy? What happened?”

  Lexy grabbed both of my arms, holding me steady. “It’s Elijah. He’s in the hospital. I’m going to take you there. Seth was with him when it happened. That’s all I know.”

  “What do you mean?” It took some time for my brain to register what she was saying. I just stood there in shock. I heard the words, but my mind refused to believe it. I didn’t even know what questions to ask to complete the picture in my mind, this awful picture of Elijah inside his wrecked car. “I told him not to go,” I mumbled. “Oh God!” I covered my mouth, thinking of the awful things I had said to him before I walked out on him.

  I didn’t remember getting in her car or how we ended up at the hospital. All I knew was that my heart was beating out of control and my hands were unsteady. I was back at the same hospital where Elijah had taken me the night of our first date.

  Lexy looked at the text on her phone as we got into the elevator. We were both quiet on the car ride here and were still quiet now. When the doors opened, Seth was right there waiting for us with tears in his eyes. When a guy has tears in his eyes, that meant it was something serious. Knowing it was bad, I closed my arms around my chest. I tried to hold myself steady as we walked down the hall, but I couldn’t help it, tears escaped.

  “He’s in a coma,” Seth explained as he continued to lead us down the hall. “He’s had a head trauma, so the doctors had to induce a coma to help him.”

  His words were like a stab to my heart. I felt my body tremble but I didn’t know how much until Lexy placed her arms around my shoulders.

  “I tried to convince him not to go,” I cried as tears poured down my cheek. “It’s my fault. I should’ve tried harder.”

  Seth halted smack in the middle of the hall and turned to me. “He didn’t go, Alex. He didn’t go to the race. He changed his mind just before we left my dad’s shop. Before he blacked out, he asked me to make sure that you knew he had changed his mind. He did it for you.”

  I was beyond relieved that he hadn’t, but guilt punched through me. I had been mad at him for thinking he had gone to the race when he really hadn’t.

  Seth continued walking and talking. “My dad bought his bike and fixed it up a bit so he could sell it. Elijah said he didn’t need it anymore, that it was too dangerous to drive you around on it. My dad sold it yesterday. We were on our way to drop it off to the buyer. I was driving behind him so I could bring him back home. Then some stupid ass car ran a red light…and…I’m so sorry, Alex. It—” Seth stopped when he saw how upset I was. He knew I didn’t need to know the gruesome details.

  “Can I see him?”

  Seth guided Lexy to a chair after we turned left into a waiting area. She looked like a mess, too. “You go in first,” she said.

  “This is the visitor’s room. We’ll be right here. He’s in room 512.” Seth gave me a quick, reassuring smile. “He’ll come out of it, Alex. He has to. He loves you too much.”

  Chapter 38

  Alexandria

  I couldn’t do anything but stand there as I tried to grasp the reality of what I was seeing in front of me. A tube had been inserted through his nose and a breathing tube ran down his throat. Next to the bed was a machine that was breathing for him. There was an IV connected to his neck. His left leg was apparently broken and was in a cast. Seeing Elijah helpless and not knowing if he would wake up w
as shredding my world apart.

  “Elijah,” I sighed heavily as my lips quivered. “I’m so sorry. I wish I could help you. Tell me what to do?” Tears streamed down my face. I told myself to be strong, but it wasn’t working.

  Looking off to the side, I saw his leather jacket. Needing to hold it for comfort, I picked it up off the chair and put it on. “I’ll hold your pride and joy for you, so hurry and come back to me, okay?”

  Slipping my hand into his, I placed it close to my heart as my eyes outlined his handsome face—memorizing the curve of his brows, his long eyelashes, his perfect nose, his kissable lips—memorizing him. I couldn’t stop staring at him. It felt like any minute now, his eyes would open. I wanted to be the first one he saw.

  Caressing his face, I spoke to him softly. “I know you can hear me. I’m right here waiting for you. You promised me a home, a future, a family. We’ve only just begun. Please, Elijah,” I pleaded, bringing his hand to my cheek. As I kissed his knuckles, the tears escaped and I could taste the saltiness of them. Placing his hand down, I wiped my tears and gently snuggled into his shoulder.

  “Seth told me what happened. What did I ever do to deserve someone like you? You amaze me with your voice, your talent, your generosity, and your love for life. There are no words to describe you and your beautiful heart. You took everything that was bad and turned it into good. You’ve taught me so much, and I don’t want you to stop. I want to see more of who you are. I need you. Your friends need you. Fight, damn it. Fight for me. Fight for us.”

  Feeling drained, I closed my eyes and slipped my hands into his jacket to keep them warm. I felt something in the pocket crinkle. It was a sealed envelope addressed to me. Astounded by what I saw, I sat up and opened it.

  My Dearest Alex,

  If you’re reading this letter, it means that I’m either in really bad shape in the hospital or I’ve passed on and there are no words to tell you how sorry I am. I don’t even know where to start, so I’ll just tell you that I wrote this letter just in case something happened to me during this race.

  You see, Alex, I’ve never been afraid of death until I met you. I’d lost so much that I didn’t care anymore. I lived day to day without a care in the world, but when you came into my life, you made me care.

  We’ve both been lucky to be able to say good-bye to our loved ones, but sometimes you run out of luck. So just in case I never get to say good-bye, I thought this would be the best way. If I’m unconscious, just know I’ll be fighting with everything I have to come back to you. I’m fighting, Freckles. I’m fighting like hell because you’re everything to me. But if the worst has happened and I’m dead, I’m going to be so pissed that I’m not going to be the guy giving you everything you deserve. This also means that fate screwed me over again.

  Alex, don’t be afraid to let me go. It’s okay to cry and let it all out. But you must promise me you’ll live your life. Life is too short. Be happy and make many wonderful memories. I’m going to be so jealous of the guy who will give you what I wanted to give you, but at the same time, I’ll be so happy for you. It will mean you’ve moved on and found someone new. I just know that no one will ever love you as much as I do. It’s not possible. My love for you is bigger than the moon, bigger than the universe, and I can’t imagine anything bigger than that.

  I fell in love with you the second you said you were Alex. I fell in love with you more when you dunked your cookie in milk, and even more when you dumped water on me when you were mad at me. Who could ever forget that angelic voice and that smile?

  Alex, I love everything about you. From the freckles you think are imperfect, to the faults I haven’t found yet (you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have any) and all that is good about you. Everything about you brings me happiness, so I thank you for that. I’m only sorry it might be short-lived. You are the strongest and bravest person I know. You are also the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on. Don’t you ever forget that!

  I want the world for you, but I might not be there to give it to you. It hurts like hell that I might not be the one. Don’t be afraid to live, and don’t be afraid to let your dad go either. He’ll always be in your heart, just as I will. Replace the sad memories with better ones so that you’ll never have to be sad.

  Sometimes life sucks big time. It takes you on a roller coaster ride, drags you through the mud, smears it on your face until it takes every bit of your air and you can’t breathe. Don’t ever let it take your beautiful smile away. Don’t ever let it stop you from being the beautiful person you are. Don’t ever let it stop you from seeing the beauty in the world.

  You have one of the most generous, loving hearts and the best part is that you don’t even know it. That is the part of you I fell in love with the most. I wanted to take you to watch the sunset and drive off like Sandy and Danny from Grease, but I guess we might not ever get that chance. And that thought tears me apart. God I wish I could hold you right now!

  Alex, I want to thank you for being my sunshine. When my brother and my mother passed away, I was completely dead inside, and even though I got through the days with the help from my friends, it wasn’t until you came into my life that I started to truly heal.

  Knowing you were grieving just as much as I was made me want to help you, but in the process you were helping me, too. There is a saying that goes “People enter our lives for a reason. Some people stay for a short period and some people stay for longer. But no matter the length, they leave footprints on our hearts.” I guess I was meant to pass through your life quickly, and you should see it that way. It only means that someone else was meant to be your last.

  Our broken roads led us into each other’s arms, but now it’s time to let go. You’ll always be in my heart wherever I may be, but I’ll never forget your smile. I’ll never forget cookies and milk. I’ll never forget our love for Grease. I’ll never forget how beautiful your voice is. I’ll never forget you. You are my sunshine and I’m your moon and for too short a time, we were perfect and complete.

  Seth has all my bank account information. I’m leaving everything to you. He will know what to do.

  And before I forget.

  Remember when you asked me if I’d ever loved a woman after I sang the song, “To Love A Woman” by E.C., and I said no? The truth is, I hadn’t until I fell in love with you. So, now you know my answer is yes. The song was written by me, E.C.—Elijah Cooper. ‘A Woman’ is you-Alexandria Weis. Yes. I wrote the song for you. The actual title is, “To Love Alexandria Weis.”

  P.S.

  If I’m perfectly fine and you’re reading this letter, shame on you. That means you had your hands inside my pockets or you accidently found it by seducing me and wearing my pride and joy. How I wish this could be true.

  All of me loves all of you, forever and ever.

  -Elijah

  Tears poured down my face. My aching breaths came out as tiny gasps, causing me to hyperventilate. The little tremors inside me quickly became an earthquake. I was panicking. I was desperate. I needed Elijah to wake up. Reading this beautiful letter brought me to another level of grief and despair, and I was freaking the hell out. Suddenly, the little hope I was holding on to faded.

  I didn’t know I had dropped to the floor until Lexy started to lift me up. Feeling like my heart had been ripped out, I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around my chest to keep from breaking apart. “Elijah,” I managed to say, gasping for air. With a trembling hand, I showed Lexy the letter. She didn’t read it. She folded it, shoved it into the pocket of the leather jacket and embraced me.

  “I need to tell him—” I started to heave. No air. I needed air. Oh God. I couldn’t breathe. “We had a fight. He needs to hear it again,” I cried. “I didn’t say—” I made another aching noise.

  “It’s okay, Alex.” Lexy rubbed my back, trying to comfort me, but nothing, absolutely nothing could ease the pain I was feeling right now. “Shhh…it’s okay. He already knows you love him.”

  As
I held onto to her tightly, my body shook and gut-wrenching sounds escaped from my mouth. It hurt so bad. I couldn’t feel anything else but the pain that controlled me. It sucked me into an endless hole, falling and never stopping. Everything I did took so much effort. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe, and I had lost all control.

  Lexy stroked my hair as she continued to comfort me. “He loves you so much, Alex. He’s fighting with everything he has to come back to you. I know Elijah, and he never breaks his promises.”

  Unable to say a word, I nodded after I took a moment to calm down.

  Seeing Seth walk in, I released Lexy and wiped my tears.

  “You should get something to eat,” Seth said. “Why don’t you and Lexy get something to drink at least? There is a cafeteria on the first floor.”

  “Come with me, Alex,” Lexy suggested, wiping away her own tears. “Elijah’s other friends are here to see him. Let’s take a walk, so we can give them some time with him.”

  I nodded in agreement, but I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to leave Elijah. Seth placed his hand on my shoulder. “I forgot to tell you, Jimmy is on his way. He should be here tomorrow.”

  “Okay,” I nodded and headed out with Lexy. I don’t know why, but knowing Jimmy was on his way gave me comfort and hope.

  I knew I was dreaming and I didn’t want to wake up. Elijah and I were in his bed, laughing and talking. He was telling me how much he loved me, while he held me in his arms. My dad appeared, standing by the window, smiling. I sat up thinking he was going to be upset seeing his daughter in bed with a guy she wasn’t married to, but he just stood there without saying a word.

  “Alex,” I heard a voice say.

  Lifting my head off the hospital bed mattress, I fluttered my eyes to clear my vision and rubbed my shoulders to ease the ache from the position I was in. I had scooted the chair as close as possible to the bed, so I could hold onto Elijah’s hand.