A Beautiful Struggle

by Lilliana Anderson

  I directed him to the back parking lot of Penrith Station and he pulled in next to my car, a white 1979 Mazda 323. The owner before me had installed central locking and put cow print seat covers inside it, which was what made me fall in love with it when I first saw it. I didn’t even want to test drive it; I just wanted it. Luckily, it runs well and my father is a good mechanic, so he keeps it on the road for me.

  I got out and checked it over, feeling relieved that nothing untoward had happened to it overnight.

  “Cute car,” Elliot commented, following me over.

  “Thanks, she’s my baby.” I smiled, patting the roof as I leaned casually against the driver’s door.

  “So… Friday?” he asked, standing against me, his arms around my waist as he leaned in, brushing his lips against my own.

  Parting my lips, I captured his mouth in mine, kissing him tenderly in farewell. Feeling bittersweet in the knowledge that this would be our last chance for a whole week.

  “Friday,” I agreed, reluctantly getting into my car, putting an end to our all too brief encounter.

  Instead of going straight home I decided to drive past David’s house to see if his car was there, he still hadn’t messaged me back, and I wanted to make sure he was ok.

  Knocking twice, I stepped inside, finding his mother curled up on the couch, reading a book. “Hi Trina dear!” she greeted me, closing her book over her finger to momentarily mark her place, as I leaned down, giving her a cheek kiss. “You look lovely! Are you and David going out for a night on the town?”

  I looked down at the dress I was still wearing from Friday. “No, not tonight,” I told her. “I was just coming over to chat with David. Is he in? I saw his car outside.”

  “Yes, he’s in his room. Go right on through.”

  “Thanks Mrs Taylor.”

  She returned to her book as I walked down their narrow hallway to David’s bedroom door. I tapped on it twice and opened it, revealing David lying on his bed, studying and listening to music with headphones on.

  He smiled when he first saw me and set his work aside, sitting up as he removed the buds from his ears and switched his music off. As his eyes skittered across my dress, his smile disappeared and his face darkened.

  “I see you haven’t been home yet,” he commented.

  “No, I haven’t. I was worried when you didn’t message me back. I thought you might need to talk - more than I need to change my clothes.”

  “Everything’s fine, Katrina. You worried yourself unnecessarily.”

  “Everything’s not fine David. Where did you go last night? I looked everywhere for you.”

  Instead of answering me, he became defensive, “You can’t have looked too hard for me. You were gone by the time I got back.”

  “We had missed two trains David! I looked for you and waited for over an hour!”

  “I would never leave you on your own. I went back for you,” he argued.

  “How was I to know you were coming back? I couldn’t find you David. You weren’t answering your phone. You obviously weren’t checking your messages, and I didn’t want to catch the train on my own. Did you expect me to just hang around by myself?”

  “Well you weren’t on your own were you? Everyone told me you went off with that Connor guy and then the next day you tell me you were with Elliot. Doesn’t sound very lonely to me Katrina.”

  “Why are you angry with me?” I asked incredulously.

  “I’m not angry; I’m annoyed that you didn’t trust that I would come back for you.”

  Huffing out my breath, I sat slumped, next to him on the bed. “You still haven’t told me where you were,” I pointed out.

  He looked down and brought his knee up to his chest taking on a defensive posture, “I was with Beth,” he told me quietly.

  My head buzzed with aggravation, I knew that was going to be his answer, and really, I had no right to be annoyed at him. Especially considering that I had slept with someone from my work too; but dammit, I was pissed.

  “What is your fucking problem David?! Do you have to screw every girl you come across? I thought I asked you to leave the girls I work with alone!”

  “You’re such a fucking hypocrite Katrina! Who gives a shit if I screw a girl you work with? I’m not the one breaking any rules, running around in secret, and leading some Irish guy on because of it. Get the fuck over yourself Katrina, it was a screw. She knows it was nothing more than that.”

  “Does she? What about the next time, when you have moved on to, I don’t know – Kayley, or Albina? What then? Do you think she will understand when she’s watching that? Hell, I don’t understand when I am watching that!”

  “Well it bothers me watching you use some guy on the dance floor, and it bothers me that you went running off to fuck some guy that’s going to cost you your job, leaving me to make my way home on my own - but that doesn’t seem to bother you.”

  I opened my mouth to say something back, but I had nothing, we were just saying things to hurt each other and I wanted to go home.

  Closing my eyes, I let out a shaky breath. “I’m sorry David,” I said, my voice small as I stood under his stoic gaze and left his room, closing the door quietly behind me.

  I don’t really know which part I was sorry for – perhaps the situation as a whole; I just knew that when I left his room, I had lost any joy I had been feeling over the events of the past 24 hours.

  Chapter 15

  Back at work on Monday, I felt unlike myself. I still hadn’t spoken to David after our argument on Saturday afternoon, and my time with Elliot was starting to feel more like a dream than a reality. When I did see him in the office, he didn’t even look at me, adding to my sense of unease.

  Normally spending Monday lunch with David, I was at a loss on my own. Grabbing a chicken salad wrap at the kiosk across the street, I went to sit outside, amongst the groups of people chatting around the water fountain in the Martin Place plaza. I had hoped that being around others would make me feel less lonely, but it only served to exacerbate my alienation.

  Deep in thought, I threw pieces of flat bread to the pigeons milling about on the pavement for entertainment, until I saw Kayley waving and moving towards me.

  “Well this isn’t something I get to see every day – Katrina Roberts, sitting around on her lunch hour; Shouldn’t you be off with David or running around a park somewhere?”

  A hollow sound replaced my laugh, “Not today Kayley. I'm just doing my own thing this time.”

  Lowering herself to sit next to me, she asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”

  Turning my head to meet her concerned and friendly face, I felt a sudden rush of emotion as my eyes threatened to spill my confusion out in the open. I blinked rapidly, concentrating on the pigeons to keep my control.

  “I’m just all over the place Kayley, I’m supposed to be training for the selection races in January, and studying for my exams that are happening this week and next; but instead of focusing on those I am fighting with my best friend and attempting to have inappropriate relationships. It’s all just a bit too much for me to deal with.”

  My phone chose that moment to beep, telling me I had a message. Hope swirled in my chest as I reached down, pulling it out of my pocket to read it, sighing in frustration upon seeing the name on the screen.

  “Plus I keep getting these,” I threw my hands in the air in annoyance.

  “What? What is it?” I handed her my phone, showing her the text message I’d received. It read Good luck in your exams, thinking of you. Love Christopher.

  “That’s my ex. I get a call or a text from him at least once a week. Normally, I just ignore them, but right now they’re bothering me - I have two men in my life that I desperately want to call or text, and the only one that does is the guy I don’t want anything to do with!”

  “Sounds like you have a lot going on right now,” she said kindly, handing my phone back to me.

  “When did my life become a soap opera?
What happened to having fun, going out with friends and going to uni?”

  “I don’t know Katrina, but if you ever want to talk about things, I am happy to listen. No judgements, no repeating, just an ear to hear your troubles.”

  “Thanks Kayley, I appreciate that. You know, I think I am mainly upset not talking to David – it’s not normal for us not to hang out or at least talk.”

  “Perhaps you should stop throwing your lunch at the birds and call him?” she suggested.

  “Maybe… I might try calling him now actually,” I got up decided that I’d rather call him from my desk instead of on a noisy city street, “I’ll head back, you coming or staying out here a while longer?”

  “I thought I’d go and grab a coffee across the street before I head back. Hope you sort things out with David.”

  Nodding, I gave her an appreciative smile as I left to walk back to my office’s building. Standing just inside the entrance, I could see David, Beth and Bianca. I instantly stopped moving forward, taking a step to the side to watch the exchange unseen.

  David was talking and laughing with them as Beth touched his arm flirtatiously. My breathing grew difficult and my heart leapt into my throat as I witnessed him lean in and kiss Beth goodbye before he started toward the door.

  Not wanting to be spotted, I quickly turned and crossed the street to the coffee vendor where Kayley was lining up. I couldn’t explain it but right at that moment I felt… betrayed. He was supposed to be my best friend, and here he was hanging out with the two people that made my working life more difficult. I guessed there was more to that night with Beth than just a screw then.

  “I thought the coffee sounded like a great idea,” I said with faked brightness as I approached Kayley, shooting a glance over her shoulder as David meandered down the street back to his work, my chest hurt, and I felt sick watching him.

  Smiling, she offered to buy one for me, which I gratefully accepted, promising to get the next one. Taking our coffees upstairs I couldn’t help giving Bianca the evil eye as I walked past reception and saw her talking and giggling with Beth.

  She accepted my challenge saying, “Ever get the feeling that you’re being replaced?”

  Beth looked at me and giggled behind her hand. I stopped, venom dripping off my tongue and shot back, “Last I saw, it was you hanging off David, Bianca. Looks like you’re the one he passed over.”

  “You know Katrina,” Beth started, as she moved like a cat towards me, “David doesn’t need you anymore, so you can run off with your little Irish boyfriends all you like now. He’ll be fine with me.”

  I almost snorted, “David doesn’t do relationships,” I told her flatly.

  “Oh, we’ll see about that,” Beth said boldly.

  “Come inside, Katrina,” Kayley urged me. “This isn’t getting you anywhere.”

  I listened to her voice of reason and went back to the library, trying to immerse myself in work – I cursed that my job wasn’t more complicated because my mind wouldn’t stop thinking about why David would want to pursue either of those girls.

  ***

  I was taking Wednesday off work for an exam, so I spent all of Tuesday studying and trying not to miss David too much. As we usually studied together, his absence was highly noted.

  I picked up my phone a couple of times to call him but thought better of it - I didn’t want to talk about seeing him with Beth and Bianca, and I especially didn’t want him to confirm that he had started dating Beth; it was bad enough thinking it.

  My brother Tom stuck his head inside my bedroom door to see if I wanted to walk up to the shops with him to get some fresh air. I agreed that I could use a break and put my shoes on.

  “So how’s your latest girlfriend? I never see you anymore,” I enquired.

  His face went all soft at the thought of her, and I could tell he really liked this girl, “She’s great actually. I let her meet mum and dad on Saturday.”

  I was surprised; he had never brought a girl home before, “Wow, that’s pretty epic for you. I’m sorry I missed it.”

  “That’s ok. You were off with your latest anyway. You should have heard mum gushing about the guy you were with! Oh my god, I reckon if she was young enough, she’d go after him herself!” he laughed easily, “but seriously though - I’m glad you are moving on from that last guy. It’s about time. You're young. You shouldn’t be worried about dickheads like that... Is this one treating you nicely, or do I have to beat him up?”

  It was my turn to laugh, “No, violence won’t be necessary thanks. This guy, Elliot, is fine, he’s nice. Things are just complicated because we work together, that’s all.”

  “Complicated huh?” I nodded, not wanting to elaborate, “I couldn’t help but notice the absence of David today. Is something going on with you two? You seem pretty mopey for a girl in a new relationship. Aren’t you supposed to be running through fields of wild flowers right now, sighing all the time?”

  “Yeah, well David and I got into a bit of a fight on Saturday night before I came home,” I filled him in on most of the details and explained why I dislike him spending time Beth and Bianca.

  “Do you think maybe you’re jealous?”

  “No Tom, I don’t think I’m jealous – I think I’m pissed off,” I said incredulously.

  “Hey relax, I’m just checking. He’s normally a bit of a wombat with girls, and now he’s actually hanging out with one, and she’s not you. I thought that might bring out the green-eyed monster a bit."

  “What the hell does a wombat have to do with it?” I asked, not understanding his analogy.

  “You know, a wombat – eats, roots and leaves."

  I chuckled, “I haven’t heard that one before.”

  “Well, you can have that one – keep it in your pocket and use it for later; I’ve got loads,” he joked with me.

  “How very generous of you,” I said sarcastically.

  “Hey, what are big brothers for?”

  ***

  I stood outside the exam room waiting to go inside, looking around, hoping to find David. Although, I couldn’t see him anywhere. Despite feeling hurt by him, I was missing him terribly; this was the longest we had ever gone without talking or seeing each other since we met as kids.

  My phone beeped, Good luck in your exam, will miss you at lunch. Evan :P

  I smiled to myself at the use of his alter ego, tapped out a thanks and put my phone to silent.

  I didn’t spot David until we were inside ready to take the exam. We were allowed to leave after the first hour but had three hours to complete the booklet.

  When the examiner announced the hour was up, a few people got up to walk out, one of them being David. Seeing him leave gave me cause to scramble and get my things together, handing my exam in unfinished to go after him.

  Rushing, I caught him just outside the building, as he headed in the direction of the parking lot. “David!” I yelled out.

  He stopped and looked up to the sky as if he couldn’t believe I was coming after him. He didn’t turn to look at me; he just stood there until I reached him.

  “What do you want Katrina?” he asked flatly.

  “I want to talk to you! Why are you being like this?” I demanded.

  “Because I’m pissed off at you Katrina! I thought that was all pretty clear from Saturday.”

  “Are you serious? You’re going to hold the fact that I didn’t wait for you against me?! How long for?”

  “Lower your voice Katrina, you’re causing a scene,” he warned me through gritted teeth.

  “I don’t care!” I yelled.

  “You want to do this here do you? Fine, we’ll do it here - I am glad that you feel ready to date again Katrina. I really am. But I’m not going to stand by while you fall head over heels for some muscle-bound guy who treats you like shit because it’s all a secret. Did you know he has been with Beth too? Kept it all a secret so nobody knew anything, just like what he is doing with you.”

  “That�
��s not true. I'm the only …”

  “How do you know that? Because he told you? Maybe that’s just what he does; maybe he has a whole string of secret girlfriends. Have you considered that?” He stood glaring at me, and I opened and closed my mouth, not knowing how to respond.

  “You know what Katrina, you can do whatever you want – I won’t stand in your way. But I will be damned if I will stand by and watch you fawn all over him, while I cop the brunt of your boyfriend's insecurities again – I won’t do it – not this time!”

  “So what? I’m not supposed to date anyone now? Or I just can’t date unless you approve of them?”

  “You’re supposed to be careful, date openly – date guys who are cool with you being around me. I’m just sick of this shit!” He threw his hands up and started to walk away from me.

  “Stop David,” I ran to move in front of him, “Where the hell is all this coming from? Did Elliot say something to you?”

  He stopped again, “He doesn’t have to say anything, it’s all over his face when he sees me near you. Every guy you’ve ever dated has a problem with me. When it’s just you and me, we have a great time – we don’t work with when there’s another guy around; I never expect you to hang out with the girls I am seeing!” he argued.

  “That’s because you only fuck David, you don’t see anybody. How many times have I had to sit by and watch you flirt and pick up every girl around us? Do you think that’s fun for me? Do you think I actually want you fucking around with the girls I work with? No, I don’t! But you can’t seem to keep your dick in your pants, so who gives a fuck about what Katrina wants!” I narrowed my eyes at him as I watched his face screw up with hurt and anger from my words.

  “I have never left you somewhere to go and screw some girl. If I am with you – I am with you. But every time we go out with people from your work you go off flirting and leave me on my own, what am I supposed to do? Just stand there and watch you make a fool of yourself? There has to be something in it for me too besides being your fall-back guy, Katrina.”