A Beautiful Struggle

by Lilliana Anderson

  I put my leg back down as he slid out of me and straightened himself up as discreetly as possible, he held my face in his hands and grinned wildly at me, laughing and shaking his head before he kissed me again, his expression said ‘How do you get me to do these things?’ which was becoming a regular thing between us. I laughed with him, as we continued to dance and kiss and touch each other, ignoring everyone else around us.

  My mouth had gone dry so I told Elliot I needed some water. He immediately volunteered to go and get me some. Nodding, I told him I’d meet him at the bar – I needed to visit the ladies' room to clean up after our little tryst. He nodded ok and we went in opposite directions, holding on to each other until we couldn’t reach anymore, we couldn’t wipe the smiles from our faces.

  When I reached the ladies' room, the line was snaking towards the door as it typically did in nightclubs. As I waited I saw Stephanie talking to another girl while she touched up her makeup. Spotting me too, she smiled at me in the mirror. Once she had finished applying her lip gloss, she came over to where I was waiting in the line.

  “You look like you’ve been having a good time!” she cooed at me.

  I laughed and nodded as the other girl came and stood beside Stephanie, “So you’re Elliot’s girlfriend?” she held out her hand to shake mine, “I’m Jasmine,” she told me.

  “Hi, I’m Katrina,” I shook her hand in return.

  “So you have to tell us, how did you land Elliot? He never goes out with any of us – not through a lack of trying on our part,” Jasmine laughed. “So we’re all dying to know how you did it.”

  “I didn’t do anything Jasmine. We just get along.”

  “Yes but I get along with Elliot too, what makes us so different?” She didn’t seem to be saying this to be snide, there was more of a genuine curiosity behind her words. I have to admit that I could see where she was coming from, she really was a gorgeous girl, with dark chocolate eyes, honey kissed hair and full lips. She was probably a head shorter than me and had a classic hour-glass figure that men drool over. I could understand that when you look like her, you are used to having men all over you, so when a guy doesn’t give you the attention you are after – it could be a little confronting.

  Compared to her, I felt enormous and awkward. I get my fair share of attention from men, but it’s rare that I get that attention from someone who is taller than me. Normally, I find that the tall fit men, I am interested in are always attracted to girls who look exactly like the one standing in front of me.

  “Jasmine!” Stephanie admonished her.

  “What? I’m not being mean, I’m just wondering is all,” Jasmine defended herself.

  “I’m not offended it’s fine. I understand – and seriously, I didn’t do anything special; we just get along. We train together at lunch times and everything just kind of progressed from there.”

  “Ah, see! I knew there had to be something special about you – you’re a fitness nut too,” she said waggling her finger at me and smiling like she broke the code.

  It was my turn to use the toilets, so I told them that I’d see them out there. When I had finished and left the cubicle I almost laughed aloud when I saw my reflection in the mirror. My mouth was all red from all the kissing earlier, and my hair was slightly messed up – I patted some water over my face and wiped a bit of smudged mascara from under my eyes. The girl next to me offered me her lip gloss and I happily accepted, applying it before I smoothed down my hair and teetered back out to the dance floor feeling slow and light headed.

  Making my way over to the bar, I couldn’t see Elliot. I looked towards the tables we had been sitting at earlier and found him there talking to Michael and Gary. When he saw me, he smiled, holding up the bottle of water he had gotten for me. I walked over to him and took it, gratefully drinking half of it. Waiting for me to screw the lid back on, he pulled me down to sit on his lap, absent-mindedly caressing my thigh as he continued to talk to his friends.

  A few others came over to join us, and some of the girls asked me if I wanted to go and dance again while the men all talked and drank. I was about to go, but Elliot tightened his grip around my waist and implored me to “stay” before kissing me behind my ear, my heart flipped with emotion and the intimacy of that one word – wild horses couldn’t have dragged me off his lap at that point.

  When the club closed we all went outside together, some wanted to continue to party elsewhere while others said their goodbyes and made their way to the taxi rank. Elliot’s friends were very complimentary towards me and said they hoped to see me again soon.

  Elliot put his arm around me, and we walked over to join the queue so we could catch a taxi back to his place, “Did you have a good time tonight?” he asked me.

  “I did. Your friends are really nice. Thanks for introducing me.”

  “I’m glad you like them. They seemed to like you.”

  “Well, I think I was a bit of an enigma to them. They said you don’t bring girls out very often.”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Good,” I told him seriously, I didn't think I could have taken it if I was perceived as just another girl hanging off Elliot’s arm.

  We stopped when we reached the end of the line, and he turned to me, “I’m not hiding my feelings for you anymore Katrina. I don’t give a fuck about work anymore. I just care about being with you.”

  “Really?” In my drunken mind, that was one of the most romantic things anyone had ever said to me. I kissed him, emotion mixed with alcohol swirling within me. It was at that moment, I knew that I had fallen in love with him.

  A night of dancing had left my feet aching, so I took my shoes off in the cab and walked up to his flat in bare feet.

  We weren’t as urgent with each other when we got inside this time, instead he led me to his room, and we took our time, slowly undressing and touching each other. I loved to run my hands over his chest and down over his abs, feeling the hard strength rippling just under his smooth skin.

  When he laid me on the bed, he took his weight on his hands and held himself over me looking down, searching my face with his eyes. I smiled, languishing under his gaze as I reached up to run my hands through his thick hair.

  “I’m in love with you,” he said seriously.

  “I’m glad, because I’m in love with you too,” I whispered back, my voice too choked with emotion to make any real sound.

  He leaned down and kissed me, making love to me so tenderly that I almost cried with the beauty of it. I had never thought that I would be this enraptured with a man again after what had happened with Christopher but here I was feeling like I had no option but to surrender to what I was feeling and let it consume me.

  Chapter 19

  I’d like to say that the next week we both went and found new jobs, riding off into the sunset together, but that’s just not how it was. Instead, when I arrived at work on Monday, I saw that Elliot wasn’t in yet. I tried calling him on his mobile and didn’t get an answer. Concerned, I called his house, feeling surprised when his father answered.

  “Oh, hi, is Elliot there at all?” I asked politely.

  “Who’s this?” his father demanded.

  My heart skittered across my chest nervously, “Um, it’s Katrina, is he there?”

  “Katrina huh? And who are you to my son Katrina? Because I haven’t heard your name before.”

  I stammered taken aback at his abrasive tone, “I, uh…”

  “You wouldn’t happen to be the little westie girl he seems so willing to ruin his career over would you?”

  I could feel my face burning; this isn’t what I had expected when I dialled this number, “Can you just tell him I called please?”

  He didn’t answer, instead he grunted and hung the phone up in my ear.

  The ‘westie girl’? Was that man serious? I understood that Western Sydney came with its fair share of stereotypes, but being from there didn’t automatically make me classless and uncouth.

  I wa
s fuming, feeling agitated I needed to talk to someone about it - David was out of the question, and my mother would panic. My brother would be at work and unable to talk, and I didn’t really have any close girlfriends to talk to. I decided my best options were to talk to Kayley, who I trusted, or Carmen, who was in a similar situation to me. Weighing my options, I decided on Carmen and went to her office.

  She looked up at me and smiled when I tapped on her door. “Are you busy right now?” I asked.

  “No, not really, come on in. Is something wrong?” she asked when she saw the anxious look on my face.

  I kept my voice low so any passer-by wouldn’t overhear what we were talking about, “Yeah, it’s kind of relationship stuff - is that ok? It’s just you’re the only one who really knows what’s going on right now.”

  “It’s fine, Katrina. Why don’t you shut the door and take a seat,” she told me kindly. I had become quite friendly with Carmen since I had been working here, sometimes catching the train home together in the evenings or stopping by for a chat with each other during work hours. I think it was nice for both of us to have someone around that we could talk freely with.

  I told her briefly about how my relationship with Elliot had been progressing and how we had spoken about getting new jobs so the policy wouldn’t affect us anymore. I then told her about the conversation with Elliot’s father this morning and how he called me a ‘westie girl’.

  “So, I’m more than a little confused right now. One minute he tells me he loves me and the next he’s not answering his phone, and I am getting insulted by his father because I come from Western Sydney. What does he think? That I’m some uneducated low-life who is set upon dragging his son down with me? What the hell difference does it make where I’m from?!"

  “Well from what I know Elliot’s family has a lot of money. With the exception of his mother, they're all born and bred along the northern beaches and have that upper class mentality at times. I copped it once from one of Andrew’s friends, I can’t remember what I did, but he said to me ‘You can take the girl out of Penrith, but you can’t take the Penrith out of the girl.’ – I was livid, and I wanted to scratch his eyes out for being such a dickhead; but that would have just proven him right, so I smiled and laughed like it was nothing instead.”

  “What did Andrew do?”

  “Nothing, we had our first major fight over it and almost broke up. Obviously, we didn’t and now he defends me with a bit more gusto. Maybe you just need to give Elliot a bit of time to stand up to his dad? He gets a lot of pressure from his father, since he still pays for everything. Junior solicitors don’t make a lot of money, so he’s still needs his dad to help make ends meet. Just be patient, if he was willing to change everything for you yesterday, I’m sure his feelings haven’t changed that much over night.”

  ***

  A week later I still hadn’t heard from Elliot. I knew he was in the office, but I was so angry at him that I really didn’t want to see him. Time was dragging on, and I felt like I was one big ball of pent-up anger, I was angry at Elliot for ignoring me. I was angry at David for avoiding me, and I was angry at myself for getting caught up in my emotions when I had promised myself I wouldn’t do that again.

  I purposefully took the sorted microfiche to Elliot’s office at lunch time, so I didn’t have to see him. As I passed Beth’s desk, I saw a photo pinned to her cork board – it was of her and David. She was smiling and looking at the camera, and he was kissing her on the cheek. My head started to throb when I saw it, I was so upset with him for leaving me, and I was furious seeing him posing with her. I desperately wanted to rip that photo down, tear it into little pieces and stomp it into the floor.

  “We took that at my friend’s birthday party last weekend,” Beth said behind me.

  Taking a calming breath, I plastered a fake smile on my face before I turned around, “It’s a great picture,” I told her flatly.

  “Thank you,” she said walking over to it and touching it. “I think we look really good together, don’t you?” I could see in her eyes that she was goading me.

  “Sure, you look great,” I replied quickly. I then held up the microfiche in my hand, walking into Elliot’s office and dropping them on his desk.

  As I exited Beth called, “I’ll tell David you said hi. I’m just about to meet him for lunch.”

  “You do that,” I told her, turning on my heels and walking away from her. What David saw in her, I had no idea.

  I desperately needed to get out of the office to clear my head. Grabbing my bag, I caught the lift downstairs. When I stepped out, I saw David lounging on the circular lounge in the foyer. I smiled tightly at him and started directly for the door.

  He jumped up, “Katrina, wait a second – is everything ok?” he looked at me, his brows furrowed in concern.

  “What the fuck do you care!” I snarled at him over my shoulder, not bothering to stop on my way towards the automatic doors.

  He caught me by the arm, stopping me in my tracks. I stopped moving but kept my face turned away from him. I was barely holding myself together and David knew me well enough to read my emotions. I didn’t need him to be kind to me – I’d fall apart if he was.

  His voice was soft when he spoke, “Trina, just because I need my space right now, doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”

  Tears surged from within me and threatened to spill from my eyes, I swallowed the lump in my throat, forcing my emotions back down inside of me. “Barely speaking to me for a month is a funny way of showing it,” I bit back at him, snapping my arm from his grasp and storming out of the door, squeezing my eyes shut to keep my tears at bay.

  I spent my lunch time walking at top speed through the streets of the city trying to work away my anger and my disappointment.

  When I thought about Elliot or David, I wanted to cry or scream out my rage. David had deserted me and left me friendless when we had spent the majority of our lives being him and me against the world; and then there was Elliot, who had lifted me up and made me love again only to turn cold on me a day later – because why? His dad didn’t approve? I could only suppose since he wouldn’t even talk to me!

  I got back to work late but didn’t really care if I got into trouble for it – no one noticed except of course Bianca, who made a comment as I passed reception. I simply glared at her and kept going, not feeling in the mood for her bullshit.

  I motored through everything that was in my tray, searched the office for missing books and then asked Priya if I could go home an hour early since there was nothing left for me to do work wise. She agreed, and I grabbed my things, taking the door that led to the bathrooms so I bypassed reception, not wanting to walk past Bianca again.

  Instead, I almost walked smack into Elliot; we stopped and stared each other for a moment, both clearly frazzled by walking into each other like that. I narrowed my eyes at him and waited for him to say something. He at least had the decency to appear flustered under my gaze, he looked at his feet and cleared his throat.

  “Excuse me,” he said quietly, stepping to the side to let me through.

  My breath caught as my heart shattered into a million pieces, I couldn’t believe he was that cold towards me – there wasn’t a person around to see him speak to me kindly; He could have at least told me that he would call so we could talk, or said sorry for not contacting me – something!

  “Go and fist yourself,” I snarled at him as I passed, if I was going to get dumped for being a westie – I might as well act like one.

  That interaction spoke volumes to me and I deserved better, I was done with him.

  ***

  The moment I walked in the front door, I saw my mother and burst into tears. I had been strong and held on to my emotions all day but upon seeing her, the person who loved me most in this world, I couldn’t hold on any longer.

  She sat with her arm around me and listened as I sobbed out my story, telling her how stupid I felt to get my hopes up when Elliot suggested ne
w jobs so we could be together, and even more stupid for believing him when he told me he loved me. I told her about the short conversation I had with his father and how he’d called me a ‘westie girl’ and how Elliot had been ignoring my calls and texts and how he acted like he didn’t know me - even when no one else was around. I then told her about the photo I saw of David and Beth and how much I felt hurt and abandoned by him – I missed him so much and right now; I felt incredibly small and alone.

  My mother didn’t give me any advice, she just held me while I wept and then covered me with a blanket when I fell asleep.

  Chapter 20

  I spent the next week in mourning. Moving through my life like a zombie – performing all of my necessary tasks while my mind could focus on nothing but my troubles. In two short months, I had managed to drive away my best friend because of a relationship with a man who turned the other way and ran the moment things started to move forward.

  Each time my phone beeped I jumped and grabbed at it, fiercely hoping for a life line from one of them. Each time I was saddened when instead, it was a text from my mother, with information about dinner or her whereabouts, or my brother sending me a joke to try to cheer me up and occasionally, Christopher. At least I could manage to keep one guy interested in me, I thought despondently as I looked down at one of his texts.

  I was angry and disappointed with Elliot, but with David, I was angry at myself for not listening to him – again. I felt bad for treating him ruthlessly when I saw him in the foyer at work, but pride, and the fear that I had ruined what little we had left stopped me from trying to contact him.

  When I woke on Wednesday morning, I felt empty, and very swollen from another night spent crying and feeling sorry for myself. I went to the freezer and pulled out an ice pack, wrapping it in a tea towel before laying back down to press it over my eyes. My mother made me a cup of sweet milky tea, as she had been every day the last week - saying that it’s great for a heart ache; and left me alone again.