Ashes of Life

by Erica Lucke Dean

  Ben blinked a few times, then his lips spread in a wide smile before descending upon mine.

  As if on autopilot, my body reacted of its own accord, melting into the warmth of his. My fingers tangled into his snow-dampened hair to keep him from pulling away. Not that he would have. It was evident in the way his mouth attacked, capturing mine again and again until we were both quite warm and completely out of breath.

  “I think I’m warm enough now.”

  He laughed. “I’ve missed this.” Ben’s fingers trailed up the length of my coat to the zipper and slid it down slowly, never pulling his eyes from mine. “We don’t want you to overheat in this heavy coat.”

  “No, that would be bad.”

  “Very bad.”

  After removing my parka, Ben slipped out of his as well, and before I realized what was happening, I’d straddled him in the center seat. His hands rested under my thighs, holding me hostage as he ravaged my mouth.

  “You probably won’t believe me when I say this, but I’ve never done this in a car before.”

  I smiled against his lips. “This?”

  “Make love.”

  I froze on top of him.

  “What’s wrong?” He pulled his face back to look into my eyes.

  “I’m sorry.” I climbed off his lap, settling into the passenger seat, and pulled the seatbelt across my chest, locking it into place. “Can you just take me home, please?”

  Ben scrubbed a hand across his face. “What the hell just happened?”

  “I was supposed to pick up Maddie forever ago. She’ll be worried.”

  “Alex—”

  “I can’t do this. I’m sorry, Ben. I just can’t.”

  He closed his eyes, laying his head against the back of his seat. He was quiet for several minutes before gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles went white. Then he flipped a switch, and the windshield wipers jumped to life, clearing the snow with an angry squeal. “Fine. Whatever. I’ll take you home.”

  Chapter 29

  Maddie

  Alex’s shrieking downstairs broke through the amazing dream I was having. “What the hell?” I rolled over and hugged my pillow to my chest before pulling it over my head, muffling my scream. “Why is she up so early when she knows they’d cancelled school today?”

  Another angry screech carried up the stairs, and I sat up in bed, throwing my covers to the side so I could get up.

  “Damn it, Alex!” I shouted as I pulled on my mom’s old fuzzy robe and slippers, making me look like Cookie Monster’s spawn. Under ordinary circumstances, I wouldn’t have been caught dead in that get-up, but it was freezing in my room, and the blue fleece still smelled of Mom’s perfume.

  I stomped down the stairs with as much fury as I could muster in the thick cushioned Muppet slippers. The big white googly eyes clicked together as I went.

  “No!” Alex yelled, throwing her game controller into the couch cushion just as I rounded the corner into the family room.

  I pressed my balled-up hands into my hips and glared at her. “What the ever-loving-hell are you doing up at this hour… playing video games?”

  “Gah!” Alex spun around, her hand pressed to her chest and her eyes matching the ones on my feet. “Maddie? You scared the crap out of me.”

  “Well, I’d say we’re even, but that still doesn’t make up for you ruining the best dream I’ve ever had. Are you crazy? I didn’t have to get up until at least lunch.”

  She shrugged and pulled her controller out from between two leather seat cushions. “Sorry, I was a little preoccupied.”

  With a series of electronic whirs and hums, the game roared to life again, and Alex turned her attention back to the TV.

  “Hey, I know this game. You’re supposed to grab the ledge on the left.”

  Alex’s jaw flexed as she gritted her teeth. “I know what I’m supposed to do. I can’t get the stupid thing, and I don’t want to go around the entire maze to get the other side when I should be able to go through right here.”

  “Well, Grey said there’s a glitch in the game. The ledge looks like it’s there, but it’s just the image. The actual whatever isn’t there. You know… the thing in the program that lets you grab it? He said the programmer screwed up.”

  Alex turned around with a look that should have turned me to stone where I stood. “Oh, is that what Grey says? I’m pretty sure Grey’s never designed a complex video game before. Does he have any idea how difficult writing that many lines of code is?”

  “Geez. How much coffee have you had? It’s just a stupid game with a stupid glitch. Take the maze, and go around. You’re just wasting your time trying to grab a ledge that isn’t really there.”

  She muttered something under her breath and tossed the controller on the floor before storming off into her office, slamming the door behind her.

  “You’re just pissed off because your freaking Porsche is still stuck in a snow bank,” I yelled at the top of my lungs. “It’s not my fault you decided to drive in a blizzard. I had a perfectly good ride home.”

  The door opened with a whoosh, and Alex stood there, panting as if she was building up to breathe fire or something. “My freaking Porsche wouldn’t be stuck in the snow if you hadn’t been with that boy after I’d forbidden you to see him!”

  “You have no reason to forbid me to see Grey.”

  Alex put a hand up between us. “Don’t even say it. I don’t wanna hear his name mentioned again, or I’ll… I’ll ground you for the rest of your life.”

  “Well, I guess that’s gonna suck for you, isn’t it? You’ll be stuck with me twenty-four seven. That doesn’t leave much time for your boyfriend, does it?”

  “It’s a good thing I don’t have a boyfriend, isn’t it?”

  I glared at her and let my lips curl up in a wicked smile. “Oh, did he kick your ass to the curb, too? Your odds aren’t so good with men, are they? Dad was just about to drop you, and now Dr. Hotson gives you your walking papers. And funny… wasn’t he my mom’s boyfriend first, too? Sucks to be you, always picking up my mom’s leftovers.” I’d known the instant I saw them pull into the driveway in Dr. Hudson’s truck. That same truck had picked Mom up on more than one occasion.

  But when Alex had slid out of the front seat, landing ass first in the snow, and Ben ran around to haul her to her feet, I knew I was in for a show. Alex should really learn to curb her temper while she’s standing in the middle of the driveway. The sexual tension poured off them like hot maple syrup. It didn’t take long for me to put the pieces together. Finding out he’d dated my mom too was just the icing on the cake.

  Alex turned three shades of red, and I was about to step back before her head exploded when she stomped her foot like a five-year-old. “No, for your information, I broke up with him because I’ll be way too busy packing up your mother’s leftovers and putting her house on the market.”

  “What do you mean, putting it on the market?” My mouth fell open, and I just stared at her for a minute. “Are you saying you’re going to sell my house?”

  Her face didn’t show a drop of emotion. “That’s exactly what I’m saying. Don’t sound so surprised. This isn’t the first time I—”

  “But you can’t sell my house!”

  “Oh, but I can. Because it’s not your house—it’s mine.” With another gust of air, Alex slammed the door again, leaving me stunned.

  I crawled into my bed, still wrapped in the Cookie Monster robe and let loose with the tears. I cried for my dad, wishing he were here to rein in the dragon lady downstairs. I cried for my house and all the memories within those walls. And I cried for my mom, missing her most of all, wishing she were there to pull me into her lap the way she used to, to run her manicured fingernails across my scalp until I drifted off to sleep.

  A
nd grabbed my phone and sent Grey a text.

  Me: Alex is selling my mom’s house!

  I snuggled into my pillow and waited, but I’d barely nestled in when the chime sounded, letting me know I had a new message.

  Grey: Sorry. Wish I could make it better.

  Me: Wish you could come over.

  Grey: Want me to climb up your trellis and hide out in your room?

  Me: LOL. Yes.

  I’d barely hit send on my message when the phone rang in my hand. Before I could form the word hello, his voice came through the line like warm cocoa on a cold day.

  “If you had a trellis, I would,” he murmured.

  I rolled to my back, twirling a piece of hair in my fingers. “What about an old ladder?”

  “A trellis is more romantic. Think… Romeo and Juliet.”

  I laughed. “Cliché much? Besides… didn’t they kill themselves at the end?”

  “Minor detail. I’m thinking more along the lines of the balcony scene. You know… moonlight, secret rendezvous… kissing.” He lowered his voice on the last word, and it made my tummy flutter. “But you’ll definitely need a trellis.”

  I giggled. He obviously took his Brit Lit seriously. Only an idiot would discourage this romantic side of him. “Guess you’ll have to build me one in the spring. I think we have a few scraps of wood in the garage.”

  “I’ll definitely build you one… if you promise to let me steal a kiss.”

  “One… a dozen… whatever.”

  Grey didn’t respond, but I knew he was still there. I could hear him breathing.

  “Is something wrong?”

  “I’m really sorry your stepmom is selling your house. That’s pretty shitty. I know how hard it is to leave the memories behind. I was lucky though. Dad sat me down, and we talked about it before he got remarried. We made the decision together, but it was still hard.”

  “She said it’s not even my house. It’s hers. It’s as if she doesn’t even care how I feel about it. I hate her!” I ground up the words and spit them out. “I wish my dad had never met her.”

  “It won’t always be like this, you know.”

  “Yeah… sure. Time heals all wounds, right?” I barked out a hollow laugh.

  “Well, it’s a cliché for a reason. But I can certainly think of a few things that would make time go by a little faster.”

  “Yeah, like what?”

  “You were saying something about an old ladder. Do you think Alex would notice if I propped it against the house and climbed in your window tonight?”

  “Seriously?” I sat up in the bed, pulling the blue fleece around me with a smile. “I think I could distract her long enough for you to get in. But I can’t guarantee I’ll let you back out once I have you.”

  “I think I could live with that.”

  “Wait, Maddie. I’m not going to do this with you right now.” He pulled away and hopped off the bed.

  I sat up and stared at him for a second before dropping my eyes to my lap. “You don’t want me?”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” He sat next to me and put his hands on my cheeks, forcing me to look at him. “You’re beautiful and intelligent and funny and amazing, and I could go on and on, but the one thing you’re not is ready.”

  “How the hell would you know?” I tore myself away from him and went to the other side of the room near my dresser.

  He lay back on my bed then rolled to his side, propping his head up with his hand. “You really have no idea how hard it is for me to say no to you. I’m so crazy hot for you right now I’m pretty sure I could bring the lake to a boil. But I don’t want the reason you’re doing this to be because you’re getting back at Alex.”

  “Why not? My dad’s not even in the ground yet, and she found herself a fuck-buddy. She probably thought she could get rich off that doctor, too.”

  He groaned and fell back again. “Do you even hear yourself? I want this to be about you and me. Not you, me, and Alex. I wish you’d just stop hating her so much.”

  “Fine. We’ll just never have sex then.”

  “That is not what I said!” He sat up and swung his legs off the bed.

  “Well, I’m never going to stop hating her. So if that’s the condition, then you might as well go.” I pointed to the window.

  He shook his head then stood and went to the same window he’d climbed in an hour ago. “You’re sure you want me to go?”

  I didn’t respond because the truth was I never wanted him to go. But having him take Alex’s side cut me worse than I could’ve ever cut myself. The worst part was feeling like, maybe in a way, he was right.

  Being around Grey made me whole in a way I hadn’t felt in a while. I wanted to hold on to that as long as I possibly could. He turned his back to me then lifted the sash, but my body betrayed me and grabbed him around the middle. I pressed my nose to a spot between his shoulder blades and breathed in his scent.

  “Don’t go,” I whispered.

  He turned and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I didn’t want to cry, but lately, it was one of the few things I did well. He held me until I calmed down then kissed my tear-streaked cheeks and finally my lips.

  “Can you try, for me, for us? Please?”

  I held him tight and buried my face in his chest. “Okay. I’ll try. If you help me.”

  “Of course, I’ll help you. I’d do just about anything for you.” He bent down and pressed his lips to mine.

  Chapter 30

  Alex

  I stared down at the white plastic stick in my hand and swallowed back the growing lump in my throat. It couldn’t be. We were careful. Weren’t we? My legs gave out, and I dropped down to sit on the edge of the tub, still clutching my fate between my fingers.

  “What am I going to do?” I whispered the words just as a sharp knock startled me out of my trance.

  “Hurry up! I’m gonna be late for school.” Maddie called from the other room.

  My heart jumped at the sound of her voice. Ever since our argument, I’d tried to backtrack. Tried to explain my position. I’d even broken down and created a spreadsheet to explain the costs involved with maintaining a separate residence we weren’t actually living in, the innumerable problems associated with her running there as a way to escape reality, and the constant worry hanging over me with regard to drug parties and other assorted illegal activities.

  Maddie refused to hear any of it. She couldn’t get past the way I’d sprung my decision on her. And truly, I hadn’t meant to lash out at her the way I had. For some reason, I couldn’t stop myself from dropping to the level of a sixteen-year-old girl when I got angry. She didn’t help the situation at all, but I could hardly blame the actual sixteen-year-old for acting her age.

  I tucked the pregnancy test into a drawer before opening the door. “Can you get a ride? I, uh, I’m sick.”

  Maddie looked me up and down, taking in my worn sweats and ratty hair. Her barely veiled hatred of me burned me where I stood. “Wow, yeah… you look like crap.”

  I squeezed the brass knob until my knuckles went white and blurted out the only thing I knew would reach her. “Can Grey come get you?”

  “Is this some sort of April Fool’s Day joke?” Maddie leaned against the doorframe and stared at me. “Or is it a test you hope I fail?”

  I froze at the word test. “No!” I squeaked then cleared my throat. “I just really don’t feel well. I’m not up for playing games, and I’m well aware you still talk to him despite what I’ve said. He may as well do me a favor. I know you’re going to call him first anyway.”

  A wide smile brightened Maddie’s face for the first time in days. I wanted to be annoyed but found myself filled with a bone-deep sense of relief. “Cool.”

  “I’m glad my… circumstance works
to your advantage.”

  “Most definitely!”

  “I was being sarcastic.”

  “Oh, I know.” She beamed at me then bounced back out the door and down the stairs, dialing as she went.

  I had no idea how long I stood frozen in the bathroom, but the slam of the front door brought me back to the situation at hand. My feet came unglued from the cold tile, and I hurried to the bedroom to get my phone from the new charger Maddie’d insisted I buy after the snowstorm incident. Apparently, I couldn’t be trusted to remember to charge my phone, so the rapid charger and the emergency backup taking up space at the bottom of my purse would save her grief in the future.

  My fingers trembled as I dialed Natalie’s number.

  “Hey, you’re late.” She’d unintentionally hit the nail on the head, and I gasped. “What? I even made your favorite muffins this morning.”

  “There were two lines, Natalie. Two!”

  “What are you talking about? What two lines? Where? Are you at Walmart? What did I tell you about—?”

  “The thing! I peed on the thing, and it came up with two pink lines. But that can’t be right. I can’t be—”

  “Whoa… hold on there. Back up. Are you saying you took a—” Natalie lowered her voice. “—pregnancy test? And it was positive?”

  “That’s what I said! Weren’t you paying attention?” I paced over the carpet until my entire body had stored enough static electricity to charge an army of cell phones.

  “How many did you take?”

  “What do you mean, how many did I take? Isn’t one enough?”

  “Oh, sweetie… one is never enough. Go drink a few gallons of water, and I’ll be right over.” She didn’t bother to say goodbye. The line simply went dead.

  Two hours and six tests later, Natalie and I sat on my rumpled sheets staring at the pile of plastic sticks. I can only imagine my expression matched hers exactly. I was in shock.