Get Rocked

by Tabatha Vargo

  He kissed the side of my neck and sighed happily. Once I heard his breathing even out again, I stared at the wall and watched it blink red again. I sat in the same spot for an hour as I went over my options over and over again. In the end, I came to the conclusion that I had to do the right thing. I had to move to California with my parents, and I had to do it without telling Finn.

  I knew Finn and I knew he would fight for me… He’d said so himself earlier that night. If the situation had been different, I would’ve fought harder for him, but someone else needed him more than me, and if I stayed, it could mean prison for Finn. That wasn’t something I could live with.

  Hot tears streamed down my face as I quietly slipped from his bed. I put my bra and panties back on and then I pulled my dress over my head. My cross warmed my palm as I stared down at Finn and his sweet face. I imagined that everything I was poured into my cross. More than just my soul, more than my emotions that were crumbling at that exact moment, but my essence—all that was Faith.

  I didn’t need any part of myself anymore. I was going to be lifeless without Finn anyway. I loved him and since he couldn’t have me, I wanted him to have the biggest and most important part of me—my soul.

  Unhooking my necklace, I let the cross slide from the chain and into my palm. It felt hotter than usual, and the back of my neck felt weird without the weight pulling against it. Closing my eyes, I said a silent prayer that my cross would always keep Finn safe, and then I made a promise to the air in the room that when I could, I’d come back to Finn.

  Kissing the cross, I laid it on the pillow next to his head. My heart was breaking into pieces and everything ached. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I leaned down and pressed my lips to his cheek. He smiled in his sleep, his dimples popping out for me one last time.

  Wiping my face with the back of my sleeve, I stepped away from him. I crept through his house like a criminal until I stepped into his yard and into the cold morning air. The world was silent as I walked toward the closest store and called my parents. I didn’t pass a single person on the way, not that anyone could hurt me any worse than I’d hurt myself at that point.

  An hour later, I was in the back of my dad’s car on my way back to hell. There was a belt and a plane ticket waiting for me when I got there. By ten a.m., my father had me on the way to the airport. My plane left at noon. I cried the entire time.

  A week later, I was dying. I couldn’t take it anymore. Dad had yet to prove to me that he had any evidence against Finn, and when I pushed it too much, he’d pull off his belt. Except, instead of taking it the way I had before we left South Carolina, I fought back. It made the beatings worse, and I was forced to live at the church to pray for my sins, but I refused to lie there and take it anymore.

  I wrote letter after letter to Finn. I told him everything in those letters and left him phone numbers where he could reach me, but I never heard anything back from him. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out why he wasn’t responding to me or at least calling me. Every time I tried to call his house number, I would get the disconnected signal, and the cell he shared with his mom always went straight to voicemail. I must’ve left at least fifty messages, until finally I called and that number, too, was not in service.

  When I’d had about all I could take, I told my parents I wanted to go back home—back to Finn. My mother was stressed out of her mind and my father refused to hear anything I had to say. Every time I’d try to run away, they’d find me, and I never got very far. The whole needing a plane ticket thing made it difficult, too.

  Finally, one day I got a letter in the mail from Finn. Except when I opened it, it wasn’t the response I was hoping for.

  Faith,

  I don’t care why you left. You leaving was the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me. I can’t believe I got mixed up with a girl like you. Please quit sending me letters. I no longer care what you have to say. There wasn’t any other point to this letter. I just wanted you to know I’m over you and I hope you have a nice life in California.

  Finn

  The air was sucked out of my lungs, and I had to sit down. The room spun around me.

  “But you said you loved me,” I whispered to myself as I clutched the letter to my chest.

  The words were there and he had signed it, but it couldn’t be right. Finn loved me; he wanted me. He never would’ve treated me that way. The only thing that I could think was that it was a lie. My father had to be a liar.

  “This is a lie!” I cried as I held up the letter.

  My father didn’t even respond. Instead, he knocked me into my seat with a backhand.

  I sat on that letter for three days as I contemplated my next move. Love made you do crazy things, and so I became a liar and a thief. I waited until my parents were asleep and then snuck into their room. I brazenly stole my dad’s debit card and ordered a plane ticket on my older-than-dirt computer that I’d always hated. Turns out it was handy to have around after all.

  When I tucked his debit card back into his wallet, I took all his cash and his keys. When I got back to my room, I quickly packed everything I could into a duffle bag and left before they had a chance to wake up and stop me.

  I spent the next two hours getting lost all over California, trying to find the airport. I’d never been so happy to see an airport in all my life when the sign finally came into view. I’d almost missed my flight so things moved quickly once I got there. Thankfully, I was on a plane back to the East Coast before the sun even broke through the clouds.

  I looked at my watch and smiled to myself at the exact moment that I knew my parents were figuring out that I was gone and that I’d taken their car. They couldn’t come after me as quickly as they’d like since their car was parked in the airport garage.

  When I landed, I got a cab and gave the driver Finn’s address. I needed to see him. I needed him to hold me and tell me that everything would be okay. I missed him so much it hurt.

  The driver kept looking at me through the rearview mirror, which was kind of creepy. I was relieved when I saw Finn’s house come into view.

  “Thanks,” I said to the driver as I paid him.

  He pulled away as I stood on the sidewalk, clutching my duffle bag. It was nearly two in the afternoon already in South Carolina, and already there were cars everywhere in Finn’s yard. It bothered me a little that he was inside partying while I’d been in California, dying without him.

  Music played loudly from the garage as usual as I made my way to the door. I nervously smoothed out my skirt and shirt before I stepped inside. I was so excited and scared at the same time. What if the letter had really been from Finn? What if he never wanted to see my face again? I’d be stuck with no one to turn to and nowhere to go. I didn’t want to have to run back to my dad, and I didn’t even know if he’d let me come back again after the stuff I’d pulled.

  I held my breath and stepped through the doors into the smoke-filled space. The smells that stung my nose were awful—a mixture of sweat and alcohol made my stomach turn. My eyes took in the crowded room as the smoke burned them. And then I saw him across the room and everything around me disappeared. I smiled to myself as I walked closer to where he sat. The smile slowly disappeared from my face once he was in full view.

  He was leaning back against the couch with his eyes closed. He wasn’t smiling. Actually, he looked like he was in pain, but the memories of our night together reminded me that sometimes when Finn looked like he was in pain, he was in ecstasy. Jenny, his ex-girlfriend, straddled his lap and worked her body back and forth. Her long hair bobbed with her movements.

  I felt sick to my stomach. My knees went weak beneath me, and I used the wall of the garage to hold myself up. I couldn’t take my eyes away from them. Finn just sat there with his eyelids closed tight. He didn’t even bother to touch her. Instead, his arms were thrown out at his sides.

  My heart shattered into a million soulless pieces. It was true. Finn had really moved on just that quic
kly. I was nothing to him. I never was. I’d read his letter, but I’d refused to believe it. I should’ve believed my dad. Maybe he really did mean well. Maybe he really did have my best interests at heart.

  My legs felt numb as I turned and left the garage. When I escaped the terrible smells, I took deep breaths of fresh air. The breeze that moved around me cooled the tears pouring down my cheeks and dripping from my chin. I turned and started toward the gas station that was the closest. I died a little more with every step I took away from Finn, but I had to do what I had to. So I left and I never looked back again.

  Thankfully, my father let me come back to our new home in California and even paid for my return. I ran back with my tail tucked firmly between my legs and salty tears on my cheeks. The beating I got when I got home was one that would stay with me for the rest of my life, but still, it didn’t hurt as much as seeing Finn with Jenny.

  I settled into the life my dad wanted me to have and tried with all my might to block out Finn and everything I felt for him. It worked as long as I shut off my brain and stayed so busy I literally fell into bed each night. But then things took a turn for the worse and before I knew it, I was kicked out in a strange state with no one to turn to and nowhere to go.

  I placed my hand on the back of her head as she continued to suck my cock. She wasn’t the best I’d had, but she was damn good at it. It felt even better when I closed my eyes and imagined she was a certain brunette that I loved to hate. In the end, imagining things like that only made me even more of an asshole.

  I looked down at my hands and the blond hair clasped in my fingers. It was bleached. There was nothing natural about the girl on her knees in front of me. She looked up at me with big blue eyes and I had to look away. She wasn’t the woman I wanted, so I kept my eyes closed and wished it would be over already. I’d give her one thing, though; she won a ton of extra points when I told her I was going to come and she kept going until I was dry.

  I tucked my junk back into my boxers and zipped up my jeans. The blonde adjusted her shorts as she sat on the couch next to me and attempted to snuggle. There was once a time in my life when I enjoyed snuggling, being close to the woman I cared about and breathing her in—not so much anymore. In fact, I fucking hated it. Not to mention, I didn’t give a shit about the girl I was with. I hadn’t even asked her name. I think at one point she’d told me, but I’d heard a lot of names. She had given me no reason to remember hers.

  “Listen, babe, I appreciate the good time, but I think it’s time I get some sleep,” I said as I yawned.

  I hated bringing girls on the bus, but a man had needs, and when there was a girl all ready to fulfill those needs, then what else could you do? It wasn’t like I forced them to do anything. They should’ve thought twice before they dropped their panties for just anyone.

  “Should I give you my number?” she asked sweetly.

  She ran her knee suggestively across mine, and I slid over and grabbed my beer.

  I hated the part when they thought there’d be more. I always made it clear beforehand, but they all thought they’d be the one that did the trick—like they had a magic mouth that would snap me into some romantic Romeo. Not so much. I’d been burned before. No way in hell was the shit happening again.

  “Nah, I’m good,” I said carelessly. “Thanks again, though.”

  Her eyes widened and she looked at me like she couldn’t believe I had the audacity to say something so rude to her. I had all the audacity in the fucking world since she’d been dumb enough to drop to her knees in a strange bus with a guy she was never going to see again. Her purse swung close to my face when she grabbed it and ran from the bus. I chuckled to myself and shook my head. It was just another day in the life.

  “Dude, tell me you got some of that,” Chet said as he stepped onboard the bus.

  He turned back around and watched her walk across the parking lot. Licking his lips, he said, “Damn, look at that ass.”

  I ignored his words. “Grab me another beer, man.”

  Reaching into the refrigerator, he grabbed two bottles and threw one at me. The table beside me became a bottle opener as I popped it open on the edge. Six beers and three blunts later, we were laughing with Zeke and Tiny and getting ready to play our asses off in front of the thousands of people who’d come from all over to watch Blow Hole play.

  I could hardly believe the life we were living these days. We’d definitely moved up in the world. We’d gone from shit to shoe shines in less than a month. Everything had happened so fast. One minute we were getting a contract, and then next we were moving to California and rubbing elbows with the big dogs. I loved being the front man for Blow Hole. When I stood before thousands and sang the lyrics I’d burned inside to write, it did something to me—took away my anger for just a few hours. It was the therapy that I definitely needed.

  When I was on the stage with my boys, nothing else mattered. Girls in the front row screamed my name, and I knelt down to run my fingers across theirs. To my right, Zeke, the lead guitarist, shook his head at me with a knowing grin as he jumped up on the large speaker at the front of the stage and played his guitar solo.

  That fucker could play guitar like no other, and he reminded me so much of Kevin. It was fitting that he’d be my right-hand man. I felt okay with him taking Kevin’s spot, and I knew if Kevin had the chance to meet Zeke, he would’ve agreed. Maybe that was why I’d accepted him into my world so easily. It wasn’t every day that someone walked straight into my life the way Zeke had. He had a fucked-up home life, and Mom and I had taken him under our wings until he was able to fly on his own.

  Although he flew crooked, getting all mixed up in drugs and sex, he was making his way. Truth be told, Zeke was a fucking wreck until he’d gotten with his girl, Patience. I knew all too well what that was like. She straightened him right out and smoothed away his permanent frown. I liked the new Zeke, even if I did bust his balls about being all domesticated and shit. I was happy for him. Patience was a sweet girl, and I could see her appeal to Zeke, but settling down wasn’t for me.

  I stepped back toward Chet’s drums to grab my drink. Red mystery liquid mixed with something strong slid down my throat as I tipped back my red Solo cup. I didn’t care what it was as long as it took away my inhibitions, not that I had many.

  “Blonde, front and center,” Chet called out to me as he nodded his head in the direction of the girl he was talking about.

  He was always pointing out the girls he wanted to bring back to the bus. I did what I could to help him out since he was stuck at the back of the stage behind the drums most nights. As the drummer, he got lots of ass, but he liked to pick his own.

  I beat on Chet’s drums with my palms, making a loud rumble, and he pointed his drumstick at me during a break as he mouthed the words “fuck face” at me. The crowd went wild at our display. I loved giving Chet hell, and even though he acted like he hated the shit, I knew deep down he liked it.

  Chet was the one to worry about. He had no fear, and fearless men were scary as fuck. Of course, he also had no filter, which meant he was the funniest piece of shit I’d ever met. Him and Zeke were younger. They were like my badass little brothers, and even though I’d bite off my tongue before I said it, I guess I loved the assholes.

  We’d just started touring and getting adjusted to the larger crowds. Back home in South Carolina, we mostly played small clubs. One of our favorites was The Pit, an underground concrete club. On a good night there, we’d play for maybe five hundred people. Looking out at the crowd in front of me, I couldn’t believe how far we’d come.

  Once the show was over and I’d crowd surfed and had my cock grabbed too many times to count, we ran off the stage and were ushered to our bus by security.

  “We love you, Finn!” girls screamed as I passed by.

  A particularly bold one flashed her tits at me. They were fake and I preferred the real thing, but that didn’t stop me from telling her they were nice and letting her hug me with
her top still up. I grinned down at her, and the girls around us screamed louder. Fuck it. I gave them what they wanted… always.

  I looked back just in time to see Chet peel off his sweaty “Fuck me. I’m pretty!” shirt and throw it to a chick standing on the side. Since he was the jokester, the girls responded to him and he took full advantage. A different girl every night wasn’t enough for Chet most times, and he was into some pretty hardcore shit sexually. To each his own, though.

  Zeke walked a straight line to the bus and ignored the girls. He was the hard-ass the girls loved to hate. I never understood how he could be such an asshole to them and still they’d flock to him. Of course, since he’d been seeing Patience, the sleeping around had stopped. I could respect that.

  I was totally against finding the one. The rest of the group would probably agree with me, but Zeke was good and whipped. He was the last one I expected it from, but you could tell by looking at him that he was crazy in love. I just hoped he didn’t get his heart ripped out the way I had so many years ago.

  “That was a hell of a show, Finn. We rocked that shit,” Tiny said as he hugged a girl in passing.

  Camera flashes lit up the path, and I had to blink away the balls of light that stuck to my vision. I looked over at Tiny and threw my arm around his neck.

  “Hell yeah, we did.”

  Tiny stuck with me no matter what. Believe it or not, he’d actually grown more since he was in high school. He towered over the rest of us and worked out constantly. The working out had started after the accident that almost took his life. I was thankful to still have him around. He didn’t have much family so he stuck around my place a lot. I never asked questions, but he was a loner and needed Mom and me. At least that’s how it seemed. Mom hadn’t only adopted me; she took in my boys, too. I loved that woman.