Missing Pieces

by Ivy Smoak

  "I need you too, Hails." His breath was hot against my skin as he took one of my nipples into his mouth and lightly tugged.

  Oh God. It was like my nipple had a direct line to my groin. I was practically dripping with desire.

  "Fuck me, Tyler," I moaned.

  He sucked on my nipple even harder, ignoring my plea.

  I reached down and unbuttoned my shorts. I couldn't wait another second. I needed him inside of me.

  He grabbed my hands to stop me, as he left a trail of kisses down my stomach. He tugged on the waistband of my shorts and slowly pulled them and my thong down my thighs. I was so aroused that just the feeling of the fabric trailing across my skin turned me on even more.

  "Tyler, please, I need you." I kicked my shorts off as soon as he pulled them past my knees.

  "I know." He lightly kissed the inside of my knee.

  God, kill me now. I was going to die from horniness. "No, I need you to fuck me." I could hear the desperation in my voice.

  "Not tonight." He kissed the inside of my thigh.

  What?

  He continued his torturously slow ascent of kisses up my leg.

  "Please, Tyler." I swore I felt him smile against my skin again. He kissed high up my thigh and then I felt his breath against where I needed him most. Please. "I'm losing my mind."

  "If I don't taste you I'm going to lose my fucking mind."

  Jesus, that mouth.

  He thrust his tongue deep inside of me.

  Oh, God yes that mouth! He was finally answering my pleas. And it was even better than I could imagine. I gripped the sheets as he slowly swirled his tongue inside of me.

  I would have grabbed his head so he wouldn't stop, but I didn't think I needed to. He was completely devouring me. It was like I was the only sustenance he needed.

  My hips arched toward him. It was like they had a mind of their own. I loved his tongue but I needed more.

  He pressed down firmly on my thighs, spreading them even farther apart, as he swirled his tongue, hitting all my walls.

  "Tyler, please."

  He thrust his tongue even deeper.

  Jesus. What was he trying to do to me?

  He rubbed his nose against my clit and I completely shattered.

  "Tyler!" My hands clenched the sheets even tighter. I hadn't been expecting that at all. How had he done that with just his tongue? I tried to catch my breath as the bliss started to subside. And I tried not to think about the fact that I was lying naked on the bed, completely spent, and he was still fully clothed. "That was amazing," I said breathlessly.

  He didn't say a word as he grabbed his t-shirt by the nape of its collar and pulled it off over his head.

  I swallowed hard as I stared at his perfect abs. When my eyes met his, I realized he was staring down at me with a smile on his face. I pressed my thighs together. I didn't want to feel self-conscious around him, but when he looked at me like that I couldn't help it.

  He put his hand between my knees and spread them apart again. "I don't think I've ever see you more beautiful."

  I closed my eyes and shook my head.

  "Hails?"

  I felt the bed sag.

  "I love the freckles on your nose." He kissed the bridge of my nose. "And the line you get in your forehead when you're overthinking everything." He kissed my forehead. "And the way you live your life with so much hope despite how easy it would be to hold on to all the darkness." He kissed my clavicle. "And I love that you let me in even though you were scared." He kissed between my breasts. "And I love when you tell me that I'm being an idiot."

  I laughed as I shook my head.

  "And I love your laugh. Your smile makes me smile." He placed a soft kiss against my lips and I opened my eyes as he pulled away.

  "You don't have to sweet talk me, Tyler. You're already getting lucky."

  He shook his head. "You deserve the world, Hailey. And I know you don't see that for some reason." He put his hand under my chin. "But I'm going to spend my life giving you everything I can."

  I felt a tear run down my cheek. Because it had just hit me. We had a future. He could be my forever. I touched the side of his face. He was right. Tonight wasn't about fucking in some cheap motel. Tonight was about loving each other. I might not get to see him for months. Tonight was about making memories that we could hold on to. I wanted him to know that I understood. I wanted him to know how real my feelings were. "Then maybe you should start by making love to me."

  "I thought you'd never ask." He kissed me again, slower this time. Our tongues swirled together as his hand slid down my back. I'd remember this kiss for my whole life. It was the kind of kiss that makes your head spin. Nothing in the world could beat that.

  But when I heard the zipper of his jeans, I knew he was about to. He entered me slowly, inch by inch. "I was made for loving you," he whispered as I buried my hands in his hair.

  Never in my life had I felt so full. I moaned as he slowly started moving in and out of me. "Tyler." My fingertips dug into the muscles of his back. Every inch of him was hard. I felt so safe in his arms. Something happened to me as we held each other. I think I realized that without him I'd break again. He was the glue that held me together. He was everything good that was left of me.

  "Hailey," he said softly and kissed away the tears I hadn't realized I had shed. "I love you."

  "I love you too."

  "Promise that you'll remember that you're mine." He pinned the back of my hands to the mattress as he thrust a little faster.

  Yes! "I promise." I'd love him for the rest of my life. I wrapped my legs around his waist.

  He groaned in response.

  The intensity was too much. Sex for me had always been quick and pretty anticlimactic, except with Tyler. Every time we had been together was somehow more amazing than the last. And this was a whole different level. I felt so close to him. I felt like we were one.

  My fingers tightened around his as he made me come. "Tyler!" I'm pretty sure people down the hall could hear me scream his name.

  I immediately felt his warmth spread inside of me. I was complete. Perfectly and utterly complete.

  He collapsed beside me and pulled me against him.

  I breathed in the smell of him as my hand rose and fell on his chest. The ocean breeze made the curtains flutter. I wanted moments like this for the rest of my life. I wanted him for the rest of my life. But in a few short hours I'd be saying goodbye. Just the thought made my chest feel tight.

  Chapter 46

  Tyler

  Thursday

  "Promise you won't forget all about me?" she said, breaking the spell of silence.

  I pulled her closer against my side. "Whenever you think of me, I can assure you that I'll be thinking of you too."

  She nestled her head into my chest. "I did some research about your training."

  "Yeah? To see when I can come visit you?"

  "And to see how dangerous it all is."

  I tried not to hold my breath. I hadn't looked up anything about it on purpose. I didn't want to know. Before it was because I didn't care what happened to me. But now it was because I did.

  "Training lasts for four months. It doesn't seem like it's going to be that bad for you. You're already in great shape." She ran her fingers along the lines of my six pack.

  "Four months. That doesn't seem like that long." I instantly regretted what I said. Four months was exactly how long the doctors had given her dad to live. Shit.

  "I know," she said softly.

  Before I could think of something to fix what I had said, she continued talking.

  "You get ten days leave after that. Before you have to report to your first assignment."

  I could feel my heart start to race. I didn't want to think about where I'd have to go. I just wanted to focus on the ten days I'd get with Hails. But it might not be the best circumstances. If the doctors were right about her dad...

  "I know that you'll probably want to visit your mom an
d your friends for part of it. And I don't know what's going to be going on with my dad. I mean, he'll be recovering I'm sure. I know I'll be busy helping him. But I hope you'll come visit for a few days no matter what's going on."

  "I'm spending all ten days with you and your dad." I hoped I would get to meet her father. I wanted to tell him how amazing his daughter was. I wanted the chance to shake his hand.

  She lifted her head slightly so she could look up at me. Her long hair splayed against my chest. "He's going to like you, I know it."

  I ran my fingers down the arch of her back. "I can't wait to meet him."

  "Hmm." She smiled and put her head back down on my chest.

  I breathed in the smell of her hair and let my fingers dance across her bare skin. It was like something happened to me as I held her. My heart didn't hurt anymore. I felt at peace. With everything.

  I felt her fingers trace the scar on my hip.

  For a second I held my breath. She had asked about it before, but I had deflected. She didn't need to ask me again. I wanted to tell her. I needed to get it off my chest.

  "When you asked me why I was pushing you to go home earlier, it wasn't because I wanted you to go."

  She lifted her head and looked up at me. "I know."

  I thought she might say something else, but she stayed silent. I ran my fingers through her hair. It wasn't like I had done the motion a million times, but it still felt comforting. "I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to my dad, Hails. I just didn't want you to miss out on that too."

  She bit her lower lip. "Why won't you tell me about the accident?"

  I pushed my hair back with my hand and dropped my gaze. I didn't want to hold back anymore, but that didn't mean it was easy to talk about. It felt like my throat was constricting. I swallowed hard, trying to remove the lump. But it didn't go away. "My dad's dead because of me. And my grandfather is dead because of me." I immediately felt her hand on the side of my face, making my eyes meet hers again.

  She shook her head. "I'm sure that's not true."

  "I was driving, Hails."

  She pressed her lips together.

  I knew she wasn't expecting me to say that. I knew she thought it was just the pain of rejection that I was holding on to. That I was a mess because Penny didn't like me back. But it was way more than that. I felt guilty.

  "It was an accident." She put her hand on my forearm.

  "That doesn't mean it wasn't my fault."

  "Of course it does. I'm sure whatever happened could have happened to anyone. You can't..."

  "Blame myself? Yes, I can. We were driving back late after a camping trip and my dad kept saying he was tired. He wanted to stop at a motel, but I had to be back for an exam. My grandfather was already asleep in the back seat. On a whim he had decided to come back with us too. A fucking whim." It felt like my throat was constricting. "So I offered to drive. And...I don't know..." I let my voice trail off. "I must have fallen asleep too."

  Sympathy was written all over her face.

  I didn't want her sympathy. It was almost like I wanted her forgiveness. She was losing her father. I had let her believe my situation was the same as hers. Like I had lost my dad in some tragedy too. But I didn't just lose him. It was my fault that he was dead.

  "Tyler..."

  "My father died instantly. My grandfather died in surgery. And I walked away with a scratch."

  She put her hand on the center of my chest. "It was an accident."

  "He trusted me. He trusted me to get him home safe and I..." I balled my hand into a fist and put it up to my mouth. I couldn't remember the last time I cried. I hurt all the time. But it was a constant struggle to not give into my grief. I knew if I gave in, I would drown in it again.

  "Tyler." She put her hand on the side of my face again but I shook it off.

  "My dad and grandfather died because I didn't want to miss an exam. Who the fuck cares about a stupid exam? And when I think about it, I can't breathe. Because I feel like it should have been me. I should have been the one that died. It should have been me, Hails."

  She sat up, straddled me on the bed, and threw her arms around me. "My heart is broken for you," she whispered against my neck.

  And somehow that was so much better than an "I'm sorry" or an "it's okay." It was like she could feel my pain. And that her heart was breaking into a million pieces just like mine. "I failed them." I let myself give into my grief because I knew she was there to hold on to. I knew that I wouldn't drown as long as she was in my arms.

  "You didn't fail them." She tightened her grip around me. "It was an accident. It could've happened to anyone."

  "But it happened to me. And I don't know how to move past it." I could feel my tears making her hair wet. I squeezed my eyes shut as tightly as I could. "I'm broken, Hails. What are you doing with me?"

  "You're the missing piece to my puzzle." She wiped the tears away from underneath my eyes. "And I love you."

  I wanted to believe her. But we barely knew each other. I was rash. I clung to her because I needed to. She didn't need to cling to me. She was whole. She was perfect.

  "I love the sound of your laugh." She kissed the side of my mouth. "And the feeling of your skin on mine." She kissed the side of my neck. "The goodness of your heart." She kissed the left side of my chest. "I love the way you look at me when you think I'm saying something insane." She smiled as she kissed the tip of my nose. "You're so strong, but you don't need to do everything alone. You have me."

  "Hailey..."

  "And I even love how hard you are on yourself, even though I don't understand why. But it's part of what makes you you. And I love the person that you are. I love you. All of you."

  I grabbed the back of her neck and brought her lips down to mine. And I made love to her again. I made love to her like it was the last time I'd ever see her. Because I feared that it would be. Despite what she thought, there was probably a puzzle piece that fit her a lot better than I did. Someone full of life and energy and optimism. Someone worthy of her. Because Hailey Shaw was perfect. Way too perfect for me.

  ***

  It took all my strength not to look back at her. If I did, I wouldn't be able to walk out the door. I placed the envelope down on the dresser and walked out into the hallway, closing the door as quietly as I could.

  The decision was in her hands. I wasn't good enough for her. She deserved so much more than I could give her. But I still hoped she'd choose me. Because I was selfish. I wanted the world even though I deserved none of it.

  I exhaled loudly as I walked out the front door of the motel. The seagulls called in the early morning. The sun was just rising over the mountains in the distance.

  I stole a glance at the window that I knew Hailey was sleeping behind. And then I drove away. Leaving my heart behind in a crappy motel in Santa Monica. A motel room that in my head was even grander than a room at the Bellagio.

  Chapter 47

  Hailey

  Friday

  I reached out expecting to find Tyler, but I only felt empty sheets. I slowly opened my eyes. "Tyler?" I sat up and looked around the room. He wasn't there. He was gone.

  I had a sinking feeling in my stomach as I threw the sheets off of me. He left without saying goodbye? No. I quickly pulled on a tank top and shorts. He couldn't leave without saying goodbye. I needed to tell him that I loved him again. I needed him to know that I truly meant it. That I'd wait for him. That I wouldn't hurt him.

  Before I grabbed the doorknob of the hotel room, I noticed an envelope with my name on it on the dresser.

  I quickly tore it open. There was a plane ticket back to Indiana, a picture, and a note. I swallowed hard. He left without saying goodbye. Why would he do that? I sat down on the edge of the bed and looked down at the picture. It was of us in front of the Santa Monica Route 66 sign. He looked so happy. The sun was setting in the picture, casting a glow around us. It made the picture look like it was from an old scrap book that my dad had from when I was a
baby. I wasn't sure how something could look so faded yet vibrant at the same time. I stared down at Tyler's handsome features. Why did it already feel like he was so far away? I slid the photo of Tyler into my pocket. Maybe that would make him feel closer.

  I slowly unfolded the letter. Part of me didn't want to read it. I had this awful feeling that yesterday had been a lie. That he pitied me. That maybe he would be telling me the truth in this letter. I took a deep breath and stared down at the words.

  Hails,

  When we first met, I was broken. I wasn't looking for someone to put the pieces of my life back together, but you did. I don't know how I can ever thank you for that. All I really have to give you in return is my heart. And that's what I'm giving you. I love you, Hailey Shaw. I love you with everything that I am.

  Before I met you, I thought I knew what love was, but I was wrong. I promise I have never felt the way I feel about you with anyone else. Because I love the warmth of your brown eyes and the freckles on your nose. And I love your laugh. Your real one, the one that bubbles up from your stomach and makes your eyes twinkle. I love how stubborn and determined you are. I love how you always tell it like it is. I love how strong you are, not just for yourself but for the ones you love. And most of all, I love that you see goodness in the world in spite of everything. That you see goodness in me.

  Unlike in our song, I wasn't doing just fine before I met you. Because before I met you, I had given up. I signed up for the marines with the intention of starting over. But really, I think deep down, maybe I thought it might be the end. As much as I wish that wasn't true, that thought was there. The idea that I could at least go out in a way I could be proud of. That maybe people would remember me better than I was. But I don't want to die. Not now. Not now that I've found you. You saved me.

  But I need you to think about what being together would mean. I love that you make rash decisions like climbing into strangers cars. But I don't want you to make a rash decision about being with me. This is going to be hard. You'd be making an incredible sacrifice, one I can't ask you to make. But it's your choice. I hope that you make the right one for you. I'm all in though, Hails. I need you to know that if you choose me, that's it for me. You're it for me.