Missing Pieces

by Ivy Smoak

  "Hon..." Anna touched my arm.

  I shook her off again.

  "Someone do something! He has four months! Do something!"

  "Oh, Hailey." Anna tried to embrace me in a hug but I brushed past her.

  "Dad." I grabbed his hand again. "Dad, wake up."

  "Miss Shaw, the time of death was..."

  "No. Please. Dad. You can't leave me." I squeezed his hand. "I need you. Daddy I need you. Please." Someone touched my shoulder and this time I didn't push them off.

  There were so many things I hadn't gotten to say. I held his hand even tighter and leaned my forehead against his arm. I love you. You were all I ever needed. You were enough for me too. I couldn't seem to stop my sobbing. I saw the Grand Canyon, Dad. And the Pacific Ocean. I faced my fears. And I fell in love with a boy. I opened my heart just like you wanted me to. But I'd take it all back. I'd redo all of it if I could have one more week with you.

  Chapter 50

  Tyler

  Friday

  My stomach was twisted in knots. I was terrified. But for the first time since I had enlisted, I felt a small amount of excitement too. The reasons I had signed up were real. I wanted my grandfather to be proud of me. I wanted my dad to be proud of the person that I had become. I could do all that here. Even though a piece of me was in Indiana, I needed to do this. I didn't regret my choice to enlist. And I could survive this. I would fight and I would come home. For Hails. For my mom. For myself.

  I took a deep breath and pushed through the front doors. There were a few men sitting behind a desk along the far side of the wall. I looked around the room. No one else was in sight. I walked over to them.

  "Name?" one of them asked without looking up. He started thumbing through his clipboard.

  "Tyler Stevens."

  He immediately looked up at me and glanced at the man sitting next to him. He cleared his throat and set the clipboard down on top of the desk. "Right, we've been expecting you." He opened up a drawer in the desk and pulled out a file with my name on it. "Follow me, please." He stood up and started walking down a hallway.

  I almost had to jog to keep up with him.

  He opened up a door and gestured for me to go inside. "If you don't mind taking a seat, someone will be right with you."

  "Of course." I stepped inside.

  The man immediately closed the door and I swear I heard it lock. I grabbed the handle and, sure enough, it wouldn't budge. I looked back at the room. There was an empty metal desk in the middle of the room and two chairs, one on either side of it. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought I was in an interrogation room. Maybe I was. Maybe this was their way of intimidating recruits or something. I should have done some research this morning about what to expect. Instead I had spent the day trying to remind myself that I had made the right decision. Or maybe I was just trying to convince myself that I hadn't made the biggest mistake of my life.

  After a few minutes of standing by the door, I walked over to one of the chairs and sat down.

  ***

  "Tyler Stevens?"

  I lifted my head off the desk. I had completely lost all sense of time. But my neck hurt and my back was stiff. I must have fallen asleep. I cleared my throat. "Yes?" This wasn't what I had been expecting at all. I immediately stood up when he didn't respond. I'm supposed to do that, right?

  He eyed me coolly. "I'm Lieutenant Colonel John Williams."

  I thought he might shake my hand but he continued to size me up. I just stood there awkwardly.

  "Please, sit down."

  I guess I wasn't supposed to stand. I sat back down in the metal chair under his scrutiny.

  He opened up the file with my name on it. "Tyler Stevens." His eyes darted across the page. "Current residence of New York City. You grew up in Delaware. One living parent. No siblings. Not in a relationship. You are the perfect candidate for the Marine Corps."

  Why did he sound so angry? "That's good, right?"

  "It would be. Except for the fact that we obviously do background checks." He ripped the file with my name on it in half and tossed it into the trash as he sat down across from me at the table.

  "What are you talking about?"

  "Many people that enlist are trying to escape from their problems. We help people find themselves. We help them discover their full potential. But not criminals."

  "I'm not a criminal."

  "You have a warrant out for your arrest. For your refusal to appear for your questioning in regards to the ongoing investigation of James Hunter's shooting. With immediate request to be transferred to New York City."

  "It's not ongoing. They just arrested Isabella Hunter for that. She was behind everything."

  He lowered his eyebrows. "Isabella Hunter is dead. She died at 0200 Eastern Standard Time. The investigation is being reopened. And your original charges are being reinstated."

  Isabella was dead? I wasn't sure what time it was, but I had just talked to Penny. Everything was fine. What the hell had happened? "Original charges?"

  "You have been officially un-enlisted from the United States Marine Corps effective immediately."

  "What original charges?"

  Lieutenant Colonel John Williams stood up as a police officer walked into the room.

  Shit. What the hell was happening?

  The police officer grabbed my shoulder and pulled me to my feet. "Tyler Stevens, you are under arrest for blackmail and conspiracy to commit murder. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law..."

  I drowned out the rest of his words. Blackmail? Conspiracy to commit murder? What the fuck?

  He pushed me against the wall and cuffed my hands behind my back.

  Chapter 51

  Hailey

  Saturday

  I tried to focus on my breathing. In and out. Slower. Inhale, exhale.

  I lifted my head off the kitchen table. The house was eerily quiet. All day people had buzzed around me. I just kept nodding my head, not really hearing anything anyone said. By the end of the day there was a for sale sign sticking out of the middle of our yard. It felt like I had signed my life away. But what did it matter? My life here was my dad. Without him, there was nothing left.

  But I couldn't listen to anyone say how wonderful my dad was one more time or I was going to scream. I knew that he was wonderful. I knew him better than anyone else in the world. And all I could feel was his loss. This huge hole in my heart. Yet, when I looked around the kitchen I could still feel his presence. I could see him making pancakes for me on Saturday mornings. I could hear him whistling. I could see him reading the paper while I did dishes after dinner.

  It hurt. It hurt so fucking much. Inhale. Exhale. I just needed to keep breathing.

  I closed my eyes tight. What I really needed was to hear Tyler's voice. He should have gotten my letter by now. He should know that I chose him. Could he feel that I needed him right now? I tried to remember the touch of his skin. The smell of him. Anything. But I just felt alone. I felt myself getting swallowed whole by my grief.

  I wiped my tears from my eyes and pulled out my phone. I could find his number online. Everything could be found online. I typed his name into Google but there were thousands of results. Apparently Tyler Stevens was a very common name.

  If I linked his name to one that was famous, that would certainly give me the results I wanted. I slowly typed in Penny Taylor after his name. The first thing that came up was a tabloid from earlier this year. The headline read, "Penny Taylor having affair with college sweetheart?" There was a picture of Penny holding Tyler's arm, laughing. He was smiling at her. There was so much adoration on his face. Obviously it wasn't real. Tabloids were meant to provoke people. But Tyler's feelings clearly were real. I thought that seeing something like this might upset me. But I think I was already as low as I could possibly be. I closed out of the internet browser.

  Why was I purposely torturing myself anyway? I was already in a dark place, there was no reason to add
fuel to the fire. I could have kept searching for Tyler's number, but instead I set my phone down. Tyler had his own things to face right now. Even if I found his number, he probably wouldn't have time to answer. No one could help me feel better right now. I had to face this myself. I looked down at the check Tyler had left me. I could have used it to save my house. I could have used it to save the bar. But that wasn't what it was for. Tyler gave it to me to save my dad. And what was the point of having the house and the bar if my dad wasn't here to share it with me? I tore the check in half.

  I needed something to hold on to. But it felt like I had nothing. Despite what Tyler had promised, I did feel alone. My dad was dead. Tyler was halfway across the country. And I was here. Alone in my grief.

  The more I stared at the picture Tyler had given me, the less real it seemed. The edges were already worn from me keeping it in my pocket all the time. I thought that looking at it would give me strength, like Tyler so often did in person. But a picture wasn't the same. This picture didn't speak a thousand words. It was just a reminder that I was alone.

  I pulled out a sheet of paper and confessed my darkest thoughts. I wrote pages and pages of how much I regretted not staying with my dad. How much I regretted not being there for him during his final days. And then I balled it up and threw it in the trash. Because I couldn't put that on Tyler. I couldn't let him see how much I needed him when he couldn't be here. He told me I was strong. My dad told me I was strong. So I was going to fucking be strong.

  I sat back down and wrote a short note to Tyler saying that I needed to speak to him. I left him my number and asked him to call me. That it was important. That I needed to hear his voice. And then I sealed it and put it out in the mailbox. He promised he'd write me back. No matter what, I'd be hearing from him soon. It was hard to have faith in a time like this. But somehow I still had faith in him. We were worlds apart, but I knew he was out there thinking of me too.

  Chapter 52

  Hailey

  Monday

  A pat on the back. A kiss on the cheek. A squeeze of the shoulder. There were tons of people around me. So why did I feel so alone? It was like I couldn't feel anything but my aching heart.

  I dropped the first handful of dirt on top of my father's coffin. It made this horrible thud. That sickening sound was the cue for everyone to leave. But I continued to stand there long after everyone else was gone. Long after the rest of the dirt had been shoveled onto his grave. Long after the last look of pity.

  It was the middle of summer but I was freezing cold. I wrapped my arms around myself.

  People were heading back to the house, but I couldn't bear to follow them. And I didn't want to leave my dad. I didn't want him to be alone. I knelt down in the dirt by his grave and touched the headstone.

  "Dad," I whispered. "I miss you." I let my hand fall from the stone and clutched it around myself again. "I don't know how to keep going without you."

  I lay down beside his grave. "It's not the same here without you." I pressed my hand against the dirt and let my tears fall. I closed my eyes and thought about out last conversation. He had told me I was bigger than this town. But this was my home. Where else would I go?

  ***

  "Hon."

  I opened my eyes. I hadn't realized that it had grown dark. "Anna."

  There were tears in her eyes as she knelt down beside me.

  I had been pushing her away ever since I had come home. And I wasn't even sure why. She was the closest thing I had left to family. I had known her since I was a kid.

  "Everyone's waiting for you." She put her hand on my shoulder.

  "I can't. I don't want to leave him alone."

  "He'll never be alone. Your father is in all of our hearts."

  I wiped the tears off my cheeks as I slowly sat up. "Anna, I'm so sorry."

  "It's okay." She pulled my head to her shoulder as she let me cry.

  She didn't mention going to the house again. Instead she just silently lay down beside me and we both stared up at the stars. I used to do this all the time with my dad. He'd point out constellations and I'd usually pretend I saw them too. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't see them, though. Maybe it was because I so easily got lost in the vastness of the sky. What had he always said was in the sky in the middle of summer? I searched the stars. Why couldn't I remember? Why couldn't I see it?

  "Scorpius is out tonight," Anna said and pointed to the sky.

  And for some reason, the realization hit me hard. Anna was a single mom. She came over to our house all the time. I considered her kind of an unofficial Aunt. But it was more than that. I wasn't sure why I didn't see it before. I felt a million years older after the past few days. How long had my dad and her been more than friends? I had been so blind. About my dad being sick. About this. I bit the inside of my cheek. "Did you love him?" I asked.

  She sniffled beside me. "With all my heart."

  I grabbed Anna's hand in the cold grass. "Thank you for being there for him when I wasn't."

  She squeezed my hand. "He wanted you to go out there and live your life. He was happy that you were doing that, even though he did miss you."

  The stars blurred in the sky.

  "And he certainly didn't want you to stop living your life after his ended. You need to go out there and live."

  I don't have anywhere to go.

  Chapter 53

  Hailey

  Wednesday

  I ran to the bathroom and threw up everything I had left in my stomach. I sat down on the cold tile floor next to the toilet. Even getting sick made me cry. Because when I was little my dad was always there with me. I rested my head against the vanity and closed my eyes.

  Adding a stomach bug to the list of ways I was falling apart didn't make a difference. I took a few deep breaths and slowly stood up. I had found out that it was better for my sanity if I didn't sit for too long. Sitting made me cry. Which made me curl up in a ball with a blanket and not move for hours at a time. But I had just slept. And I still had a lot to pack. The realtor wanted to start showing the house. I thought it was best if there wasn't someone crying in a corner with boxes everywhere. In the meantime, I'd sleep in my dad's office at the bar. Apparently that was going to be a harder sell, so I'd have some time to crash there.

  I walked down the hall and stopped at the doorway into the kitchen. I ran my hand up the lines marking my height as I grew up. Last night I had gotten lost in photo albums. I remembered everything, but I couldn't stop looking. It was good that I had to get out of here. Because I could lose myself in the house. In the memories.

  A knock on the door made me jump. People had been stopping by all week giving me condolences. But I'm pretty sure Anna had just been sending them to check up on me. I knew she was worried about me. No matter what she said, I felt guilty for not being here with him. He had specifically asked me not to go to Elena's. And he was right. Nothing had come from it.

  Except Tyler. But I hadn't heard from him since he left without saying goodbye in Santa Monica. That was starting to weigh on me too. Not because I doubted his feelings. But because I was worried about him. I had written him at least a dozen letters now. It was starting to become a nervous tick. Whenever I was struggling the most, I just grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down everything that I was struggling with. Then I would throw that paper out and write something a lot calmer that I actually would send him. So that he wouldn't worry about me. But I always ended the letters the same way. Telling him that I needed to hear his voice. It was probably desperate. But I was desperate. I couldn't hide that fact. Was he not writing me back because I was being too obsessive? Just thinking about it made me want to write to him again.

  I slowly walked over to the door, wondering who had been sent to check on me this time. I was more than a little surprised to see my best friend from when I was little standing there with a casserole dish in her hand.

  "Hey." I tried to hide the surprise in my voice.

  She smiled weakly.
"Hails." She moved the dish to her side, revealing her huge pregnant stomach, as she leaned in for a hug. "Hails, I'm so, so sorry about your dad."

  I patted her back awkwardly. "Thanks." I thought the next time we spoke that maybe she'd apologize for kissing my boyfriend in high school. She had apologized before, but she never sounded that sincere. Or maybe I just didn't forgive very easily.

  She pulled back. The small smile was still on her face. "Can I come in?" She didn't really wait for an answer. Instead, she just stepped beside me into the house. "I spent so much time here when I was little," she said as she made her way to the kitchen.

  "That was a long time ago."

  "Yeah. It really was." She set the dish down on the table. "I made you tuna casserole. I know how much you used to love your dad's. Do you want me to warm it up?"

  I immediately shook my head. "No, I have a stomach bug or something. I'm not going to be eating anything for a while."

  "Sure you don't just have morning sickness?" She laughed at her own joke as she touched her stomach. "God, morning sickness was the worst. Luckily I'm past that now."

  Shit. Am I pregnant? No. There's no way. "No."

  "You hesitated."

  "I didn't hesitate."

  "Hails."

  I shook my head, but didn't say anything for a moment. "Congrats on the baby, by the way. You must be so excited."

  She just stared back at me.

  "What?"

  "Do you still feel sick?"

  "I mean, no not really. I feel a lot better now. Because I just threw up whatever it was that was making me sick probably."

  "Well, do you have a temperature?"

  "I don't know, I don't think so."

  "Have you had sex recently?"

  "Claire!"

  She smiled. "It's just like old times."