Moments Lost and Found

by Olivia Jake

  “I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry.” Sam was still crying, but that’s all she could say. She had never felt so much remorse, so much loss, so much sadness.

  “I know, Cheri, I know. Shhhh, shhhh.” He kept rubbing her good hand, “This isn’t your fault, Samantha.” His voice was so quiet, so calm.

  “It is.” She said in between sobs, “If I had just listened to you. If I had never accepted the account,” she started sobbing again, “you wouldn’t have left. You wouldn’t hate me. I wouldn’t hate me.” And her sobbing just increased, sniffling, “and I wouldn’t be here.” She said, horrified.

  “Samantha, stop it. I don’t hate you. Stop beating yourself up.”

  Sam actually chuckled in between the tears and interrupted, “George already did that for me.”

  Laurent did not find the humor in that. He shook his head and looked down, “I can’t believe he could do this to a woman,” he swallowed and then looked at her and asked, “Did he, did…” he couldn’t finish the sentence, but Sam knew what he was asking.

  She shook her head no, “No, Laurent, he didn’t. He tried, but I got out of there before he could.” She could see the relief as Laurent’s shoulders relaxed. “I have you and Craig to thank for that. I don’t know what might have happened if I hadn’t had those lessons. This all might have been a lot worse.” Laurent nodded and Sam knew she wasn’t just saying that to stroke Laurent’s ego or try to paint a positive picture. The reality was likely that George probably would have succeeded in what he had set out to do if Sam didn’t have the training she did. She wished she had done better, but she knew that, in this case, good enough was ok.

  Sam was thankful to see Sun Yun walk in. She didn’t want to think about what George tried to do, much less talk about it. Sun was holding a couple of syringes, smiling at her and Laurent, “How are you feeling, Sam?”

  Sam nodded, “Ok, ok.”

  “Well, I am going to put a little something for the pain into your IV before they take you down to Ortho.” Sam’s eyes went wide, Sun continued, “You’ll be ok. It’ll be over in a minute, but this will relax you, and this one will help with the pain.” she smiled. Then she looked at Laurent, “She might be a little, um, groggy when she gets back.”

  “That’s ok, I’ll be here.”

  “Laurent, you don’t have to stay. I’m sure you have better things to do.” That earned a look from him that said everything. He leaned back in his chair, folded his arms across his chest and took a deep breath. Sam smiled and then said, “But it will be nice knowing you’ll be here when I get back.” He smiled and shook his head as he rolled his eyes.

  Sun injected Sam’s IV, and almost immediately Sam felt her eye start closing, and a nice warmth come over her. She could even feel herself smile a little without pain. “Mmmmm. That feels niiicce.” She heard Laurent chuckle.

  Then he got up out of his chair and bent down to kiss her forehead, “My little druggie.” he said. She smiled thinking how cute that sounded in his French accent. She was drifting off into la-la land again. Then an orderly came in with a wheel chair, clearing his throat

  “Uh, Ms. Davis? You ready to go for a little ride down to ortho?” He was a big African American man, at least 6’ tall and he looked like a linebacker. The man was massive, but sported a huge grin.

  Sam was really feeling loopy now, “Mmmhmm” was all she could manage.

  “Ok, ma’am, my name is Andre, and I’ve got your chariot right here waitin’ for you.” he said warmly and winked at her.

  Sam, in her state said, “Andre the giant.” And he laughed out loud.

  “It’s been a while since anyone’s had the guts to call me that to my face.” He said, still chuckling.

  Laurent backed up to give Andre room. He set the wheel chair in park, then lowered the bed railing and helped Sam out. Her legs were a little wobbly, due mostly to the drugs, and she giggled as they gave out a bit. She was, as the saying goes, feeling no pain.

  Andre held her as he walked her a step over to the wheel chair. Once in, he released the brake and then turned to Laurent, “Ok Mr. Davis, we’ll have your wife back soon.” Sam giggled again as she saw the look on Laurent’s face which went from shock to amusement. But, ever the gentleman, all he said was, “Thank you, Andre. I’ll be right here waiting. Take good care of her.”

  “Yes, sir.” Andre replied and winked at Laurent. He was an equal opportunity winker, Sam thought, and then giggled again to herself. She was definitely going to have to ask for some of these drugs. They would have helped her a lot in the last month or so…

  Ortho was backed up with an emergency, so what should have taken an hour or two took half the day. Not that Sam really had any sense of time, or anywhere she could go, but once they finally got back to her room and saw that Laurent wasn’t there, her heart sank. The happy drugs had mostly worn off and she was sober enough for reality to set in. He wasn’t going to wait for her, and she didn’t blame him. He left her. Again. Perhaps, it was only because of the drugs that she had imagined his warmth and tenderness.

  A different orderly helped her back into her bed, this one wasn’t nearly as friendly as Andre, and Sam started to question whether any of the good that she had felt in the last 24 hours had happened at all. She adjusted herself as best she could with one arm. Her bad arm was now in a sling, a dull throbbing pain in her shoulder that turned sharp every time she moved. She thought about turning on the TV, but the thought of watching daytime television depressed her even more. All she wanted to do was sleep so that she could escape her mind. Still somewhat groggy, sleep wasn’t far off as she closed her one eye and drifted into a fitful limbo feeling sad and alone.

  Once again, Sam’s dreams were unsettling. She dreamt that she was on one side of a huge stone wall, taller and wider than she could see. It was dark and cold and damp on her side and she knew that it was light and sunny and warm on the other. There was a voice that yelled from the other side, “I’ll help you get to this side, let me help you.” but Sam couldn’t speak, she couldn’t accept their help, so she tried to climb the wall, tried to look for a way around it, but every time she started to climb she would only get a few feet up and then fall back down. There was no one on her side to help her. Every time she fell she kept falling on the same shoulder, and it was throbbing, and throbbing and throbbing… and finally she woke up, moaning.

  “Cheri, what can I get you? Should I call the nurse?” Sam heard Laurent’s voice, but she knew this must still be part of the dream. He was gone. She struggled to open her eye, and when she did, she blinked again, it couldn’t be real. Why was he here? He had left her.

  “You’re here? I thought you left me.” She said wondering if any of this was real.

  “Of course I’m here, Cheri. I just left for a little bit to go take care of Max and Ben. The nurse told me you’d be down in Ortho for a few hours, so I went to your house to walk and feed them.” He smiled at her and then bent down to kiss her forehead.

  “You did that for me?” Sam hated how pathetic she sounded but she was stunned. Once again, she felt tears well up.

  Laurent shook his head and got that stern look on his face, “Samantha, we really need to talk.” And on hearing that, Sam chastised herself for getting her hopes up. How could she really think that he would come back to her after everything. He was just being nice, even that she didn’t know why. But she knew what the “talk” was going to be. She swallowed and blinked back her tears, trying to straighten herself and brace for what was to come.

  “I know, Laurent. You don’t have to say anything. I understand. You’re just being nice while I’m in here. Don’t worry, I get it. I’m sorry I sounded so, uh, needy. Look, they say I should be out of here tomorrow, and I can get Steve to check on the boys tonight, so really, don’t worry about it. I appreciate everything you’ve already done.”

  Laurent crossed his arms, shook his head, rolled his eyes and exhaled. “I swear to God, Samantha, when you get better, and that arm is out
of its sling, I am going to take you over my knee and spank you until you get some things through that incredibly thick head of yours.”

  Hearing him talk like that made Sam blush, smile and feel tingling down in her core. She was shocked she could actually feel that way given everything. She cleared her throat, “What type of things?”

  “Samantha, we need to talk about everything. Everything.” He looked down and ran his hands through his hair, then looked back up at her.

  Her questioning look made him answer, “Us, Cheri.” Us, she wondered? By now she really was in a state of confusion, not knowing what was real, what was the drugs. She wanted to believe that what she was hearing was real and true. And then, he continued.

  “Merde, I don’t even know if you’re going to remember this conversation later, but, ugh, do you really want to have this discussion now?” he asked, exasperated. Sam just nodded. She wasn’t sure what ‘this conversation’ was exactly, but whatever it was, she had all the time in the world and she figured, it was better to get it over with sooner than later.

  “I know your work is your priority, Samantha. But I need to be a priority too. Period. I won’t accept anything less. You’re a smart woman, Samantha. You can figure out how to juggle both things…if you want me in your life. But if you don’t put me at the top, along with your career, not instead of, but on par with, if you don’t do that then no, there is nothing to talk about.”

  Sam was stunned. Was he really willing to give her another chance? “You still want to be with me?”

  He laughed and said, “Like I said before, sometimes you make it very difficult, Cheri.”

  “But you like a challenge?” Sam asked hopefully.

  He laughed out loud, “Samantha, a challenge is putting it mildly. You, Cheri, are, ugh.” He shook his head and then his smile turned serious, “Samantha, I have told you what I want. I have shown you what I want. But I won’t ever again feel the way I’ve felt this last month without you. I won’t allow it.”

  Sam shook her head, “I know, Laurent. You deserve better.”

  “Samantha, stop saying that! I know what I deserve. And I know what you can give me.” He was angry now. “Can you give me what I want?”

  “I can try.” Sam said softly.

  “That’s not good enough, Samantha.” He said, and he was right. He had put all of his cards on the table.

  “You’re right. I’m not good enough. I’ve proven that to you. I’ve proven that to myself. I ruined everything.”

  “MERDE!” Laurent yelled. He was not the type of man who yelled. His meaning was typically crystal clear, even in the softest of voices. So on the few occasions that Sam had heard him yell, it startled her.

  He saw that she flinched and he regained his composure. “Where did all this self-doubt come from?”

  Sam could feel the tears forming again. There was no point in trying to stop them. So she talked as they tumbled down her cheeks. “When I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me. When I chose that account over you. When you walked out of that hotel room on me. When my days went from happiness and exhilaration and joy to emptiness and dread.” Sam could feel the steady stream of tears, stinging her swollen eye, along with the snot that was coming out of her nose. Her heart was pounding and her breathing was shuddering with what was now turning from crying into sobbing.

  “I have never, ever felt what I feel when I’m with you, Laurent. And I hate myself more than you can imagine for throwing it away, for not cherishing it. I hate that I not only hurt myself, because that I can handle, eventually. But the thought that I hurt you too is more than I can bear.” She was trying to catch her breath in between sobs but now the sobbing just took over. She couldn’t speak. She could barely see. And she hurt so much.

  She had to get it all out. This was her chance to finally talk with him, after all this time.

  “Laurent, before you came into my life, I never, ever imagined that I could feel so much love and joy and happiness with anyone, or because of anyone. I never knew it was even possible.”

  Sam continued to cry and they just sat there together until her crying finally subsided, even though the tears continued. Laurent passed her tissues and she blew her nose, noisily, thinking to herself, this is just one more thing that will turn him off, but what else do I have to lose now? He broke her from her defeatist thoughts.

  “Samantha, do you want to be with me?” he asked softly.

  “More than anything.” She tried to smile but she couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

  “So why won’t you let yourself?”

  “Because I’m afraid I’ll screw it up again. I’m afraid I’ll hurt you again. And I’m afraid I’ll lose you again. I can’t go through feeling the way I’ve felt the last month ever again. I can’t, Laurent. I can’t put myself through that again.” Just the thought of it made Sam feel that empty knot in her stomach.

  “So you’d rather just walk away because you’re afraid of what might happen?” he was being so patient with her.

  For once in her life, she knew that safe wasn’t the way to go. She couldn’t pretend that she didn’t know what loving him was like. She had a chance to be with him, and if she threw it away this time, she knew it would be gone forever. And then she would truly hate herself.

  “No.” she said softly.

  “No, what?” he asked. The conversation was taking so many twists and turns he wasn’t sure if she was saying no to him or to what.

  “No, I don’t want to walk away. I want to be with you. I want to share a life with you. I want a future with you. I want to grow old and grey with you.” Sam had never before said anything like that, or even had thoughts like that.

  Laurent smiled the most tender smiles, and then laughed, “I am already salt and pepper, as you say. Grey might not be that far away.”

  Sam was still crying, but smiling now. And then she started laughing.

  “Cheri, what’s so funny?”

  “I was just thinking that it seems hospitals bring us back together. They’re not usually such a happy place.” Sam sniffled and then said, “But if it’s all the same to you, I’d like to try to find another happy place that’s ours, ok?”

  Laurent nodded and laughed, “Yes, Cheri. We will have our own happy place. Not a hospital.”

  Sam couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing. Laurent was there, with her, talking about them having their own happy place. She wasn’t sure if this was real or the drugs, or perhaps even a dream. So much had happened in the last 24 hours, she wouldn’t have been surprised to wake up to find out that it was all in her mind. But one thing she did know was that she no longer had anything to lose. She had put her heart on a railroad track and the express train had crushed it. If there was the slightest possibility at all that all of this was real, then now was her chance to try to show Laurent, to try to prove to him how much she regretted what she did. How much she still loved him and still wanted to be with him.

  “Will you please hand me my purse, Laurent?” Sam motioned over to where her bag lay on the table. He looked puzzled but retrieved it for her.

  “What do you need? I can get it.” He asked as he set the bag down. Sam shook her head and with her good arm dug through the bag until she found what she was looking for, thankful that it was still there, in the bottom of her bag. With her arm still in the bag, Laurent shook his head and rolled his eyes at her stubbornness, even still, not asking for help in her compromised situation. But she knew what she was looking for and wanted to be the one to find it. She pulled out the small black velvet box and looked up at him.

  “I never opened it.” She said softly as new tears started down her face again, but these were happy tears.

  “Why not, Cheri?” he asked so tenderly as he stroked her cheek, trying to wipe away the tears.

  “I was afraid of what I would find.” Her voice was so small.

  “And now, Cheri? Are you still afraid?” his eyes showed that he still wasn’t sure of her
answer.

  Sam shook her head, “No.” she broke into a smile, “Now I hope that’s what I think it is.”

  Laurent’s expression subtly changed from tender to flirty, “Oh really? And what might that be?”

  “You’re going to make me ask for it?” Sam said with trepidation.

  He chuckled and shook his head, “No, Samantha. Not this. Other things, you know I like to hear you tell me, but this, no.” he winked and then took the box from her. He pulled her bag from her lap and put it back on the table. Then he lowered the bed railing so that nothing was separating them. His movements were slow and deliberate and Sam watched him feeling the emotion well up in her. Damn if she didn’t feel like a leaky faucet, she just couldn’t stop crying.

  Laurent lowered himself to one knee, taking her hand in his. It was her right hand since her left one was in a sling, but it would have to do. He looked up at her, swallowed, and said, “Samantha Davis, since the moment I met you, I have thought of no one but you. I can still see you standing in my conference room, the beautiful Pacific ocean behind you, framing you. So strong and confident and beautiful. From that moment, I wanted you in my life. And then I got to know you,” he paused and chuckled, “and the more time we spent together, the more I wanted to be with you. Only you.”

  “Cheri, you are the most challenging, infuriating woman I have ever met.” Sam shrugged a little, “And the fact that I am down on one knee in a hospital of all places,” he paused again and shook his head smiling, “I hope that tells you how much I love you and how much I want to be with you, forever, Cheri.” Now the waterworks really started flowing, Sam tried to hold it together, but she never imagined she’d ever hear these words.

  “Samantha Davis, will you marry me?” Laurent asked and all she could do was nod at first and then he said in his low, commanding voice, “This, Samantha, I am going to insist I hear you say.”

  “Yes, Laurent. Yes I will marry you.” Sam said through her tears. He opened the box to reveal the most stunning marquise cut diamond ring. She held out her hand and then said tearfully, “It’s the wrong hand.”