Not That Kind of Love

by K. S. Martin

  I stepped back when the doctor came in and stayed out of the way. Jamie’s parents came in shortly after, his Dad as exuberant as ever. I took my laptop and went home without saying goodbye. I didn’t feel like visiting, I felt like crying. He wasn’t glad to see me, he was angry with me. He never told me about him and Jenny, I didn’t know that he had feelings for her. Was it a dream or a memory? If it were a memory did he wish that it had been me that drowned? Had he dove in to save her and not me after all? Did he think of her when he was with me? It was more than I could deal with. I caught a cab home. I was still a little freaked out about driving.

  I called in sick the next day and spent most of the day in bed. I couldn’t face the world, not today. My cell rang but I didn’t answer it. I let it ring. If it weren’t for the incessant beeping to let me know that there was a message, I wouldn’t have gotten up at all. The hospital had called, Jamie was asking for me. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. Hannah texted and told me to ‘feel better.’ I ran my laundry and straightened the apartment. If he were coming home, I would have to take care of him. I wasn’t sure if that were a good idea, maybe it would be better if he went to his Mom’s. She could give him more attention. She didn’t work and would enjoy spoiling him. I missed my friend. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks. My phone rang again. I answered it this time. It was Fran. I sniffled then balled then apologized.

  “Hey, buck up! There is no time for tears bitchy Michy.” She used to call me that when we were much younger but I hadn’t heard it in years. “Jamie is awake, you can bring him home, wear him as cologne and you guys can get married and I can wear the awesome fucking dress that I picked out.”

  “I dunno Fran. He wasn’t happy to see me when he woke up. He was actually really nasty to me. He’s never treated me like that before. I think he blames me for the accident. I think it’s best if I stay away for now. I can’t bear to see him.”

  “What the fuck Mich? Nobody blames you, you saved his fucking life, and we all know that. Jamie loves you.”

  “I gotta go Fran.”

  “No!” She screeched at me. “Jesus H. Christ Mich, you get your skinny fucking ass to the fucking hospital right fucking now. He’s been asking for you all fucking day. What is your fucking problem?” I had to smile. Fran had a way with words.

  “Really, Fran. I’m going to stay here tonight. I’ll see you later.”

  “If you aren’t dressed, get dressed. I am on my fucking way right fucking now, I will be there in less than ten damn minutes and I have no fucking problem dragging your naked ass across town and down to that fucking hospital to see my sick fucking brother. He told me to bring you and I am fucking bringing you Michelle. Be in front of the fucking building, don’t be a cunt and make me fucking wait either and seriously, don’t make me come the fuck up. It will not be fucking pretty.” The line disconnected. I got up and got dressed. Fran was mad at me too. No matter what she said, I know what I saw in his face and what I heard in his voice.

  Her black 1983 Z28 roared and squealed to a halt at the curb in front of me. The door creaked noisily as I opened it. The inside smelled like cigarettes, old oil, exhaust and pine. “When are you going to get something to drive from this century?” I put the window down a couple of inches. Fran lit a cigarette and dragged deeply blowing smoke out of the missing T top on her side.

  “I love this piece of shit.” She floored the pedal and I was pinned to my seat. “Nothing moves like this. It’s pure power. You can’t beat eight cylinders vibrating your clit whenever you drive. It’s the world’s biggest sex toy Mich. Now what’s this about Jamie being nasty to you? He wouldn’t know how to be nasty to you. The sun rises and sets in your ass.” I turned my head toward the window and sank down into my seat hugging myself and holding back more tears. She pulled over and dug in her purse. I glanced over but went back to looking out at the street. “Here.” She lit something and was shoving it in my face. “Here Mich. It will help.” I looked over at the joint. I hadn’t smoked marijuana since college and then it was two drags one time. Jamie hated drugs and if he found out, he would really be pissed at me. I took it out of spite and let the harsh smoke fill my lungs. “Fucking-A.” She laughed nodding her head. She put the car in drive and drove the speed limit the rest of the way to the hospital. I did feel better. We sat in the underground garage for twenty minutes before going up. It was dark outside now.

  “He said that he talked to Jenny.” I stared out of the windshield.

  “For real?” Her clear blue eyes were wide and round. She looked like she was ten again.

  “He said that they were skating and that she just asked him to the eighth grade dance. Did she ask him?” I looked at Fran now. She shrugged and made a face. He wouldn’t have told Fran, he would’ve told me, if things were different.

  “Fuck, don’t move there goes Mom and Dad, if they catch us smoking we’re dead.” She ducked down in the seat. I got a case of the giggles, I couldn’t help it. Fran peeped through the steering wheel over the dash to watch their minivan leave the underground parking. “Fuck that was close. Did you know that she has a nose like a fucking bloodhound?” I giggled again. I leaned over and hugged Fran. “Hey don’t go all fruity on me.” She said and I laughed again. “Come on. You look way fucking better than you did. Let’s go see Jamie.” I pushed the heavy screeching door open and climbed out. I stopped to buy him a balloon in the gift shop and went up to his floor. His room was dark and I assumed that he was sleeping. Fran sat out in the hall and let me go in by myself. I sat in the chair next to his bed and let the balloon float to the ceiling. It bobbed along the ceiling tiles, the air conditioning from the vent pushing it along.

  “Where have you been?” He asked without opening his eyes.

  “At home.” I answered.

  “I missed you.” He said.

  “I missed you too.” I answered.

  “They told me about the accident. I guess you saved my life?” I didn’t answer. “That’s weird huh? I guess we’re even.” I didn’t answer again. “Mich, are you mad at me?” He touched my arm.

  I took a slow deep breath. “You said that you talked to Jenny and that she had just asked you to the eighth grade dance? Was that a dream Jamie or a memory? Did Jenny ask you to the dance?” He nodded. “And she kissed you?” He nodded again. I took a shaky breath. I pulled the diamond from my finger and put it in his hand. “I gotta go. See you around.”

  “What the hell Michelle?” He struggled to sit up and turned a light on.

  “I think that you’ve been substituting me for her all this time Jamie.” My breath hitched. “I think that even though you would never admit it, you wish that you had dragged her out of that pond instead of me. I can’t marry you knowing that.” I hurried from the room, I could hear him screaming my name but I just ran faster. I passed the elevator and took the stairs down as fast as my feet would carry me. By the time I got to Fran’s car and she caught up to me I was sobbing. I couldn’t breathe so I bent over and hugged my knees. When I could finally talk I told her what he said and what I did.

  “Oh fuck no Michelle.” She held me while I cried. Fran patted my back then tucked me in the car. She walked me up to my door and made sure that I was okay. She didn’t talk much which was strange for Fran, but what could she say? I wasn’t going to be a Flanagan after all. I wouldn’t be family anymore. I spent the night on the balcony in the dirty white lawn chair crying.

  Chapter 9

  I bought a pickup truck without Jamie negotiating for me. It was two years old and I got a decent price according to the internet. When I’d spent the night on the balcony, I faced a few facts. I couldn’t stay with him or near him. I was too weak for him. I packed my belongings and hired a moving company for the large items. I left him the pod coffee pot, I knew he loved it more than I did. I sorted all of our belongings and put his things in his apartment and took my things. I rented a house ten miles away and found another job. If I stayed there, he would be there. I couldn’t be t
hat close to Jamie without having him, not now, not after everything that happened between us. I certainly couldn’t look out of my window and watch him with Jezebel. Hannah said she wanted to be my assistant if I could have one at the new office and if I wanted her. Of course I wanted her with me. I’d just left everyone and everything that I knew. Hannah would be the only familiar face in my new environment. She started two days after I did. Hannah was still a dream, still the best assistant that I ever had. This office was not so formal. We wore jeans on Fridays and helped with Taco Thursday once a month with virgin Margaritas. It was actually nice. I had a bigger office with a better view. There were no blondes with big boobs making eyes at my boyfriend, just a pond with a couple of swans. I missed Jamie. I missed the games we watched. I missed the easy camaraderie between us, the great sex and the way my heart jumped when I saw him. God I missed those abs. He worked so hard on them and they were so beautiful under his golden warm skin. My phone rang, Hannah was showing someone in, and there would be a lot of someone’s, because tax season was quickly approaching. I didn’t do taxes at my previous job but it was required here. At least I would be busy, and if I were drowning in numbers, I wasn’t thinking about Jamie.

  I drove home after work and let myself into the small house. I put my sports bra and sweats on. I needed to run and to clear my head. I put the ear buds on and turned the music up loud. Train was singing “Drive By” as I ran. I hit a four minute mile quickly. I’d been running for my life since high school. Jamie got me interested but would never run with me after college, he would never admit it but I ran faster than he did. Jamie was more long distance. A marathon runner, I would crash at eight miles but he could go for twenty, the rabbit and the turtle. I smiled at the thought. My legs swallowed the pavement. I passed dog walkers, baby walkers and other joggers. I had a favorite park to run through, and since it was nearby I just ran there, and then hit the track around the park. I could only estimate the distance since part of the way was through the park but not on the jogging path. All said it felt like seven miles. It was dark when I got home. I heated a microwave dinner and ate it at the small table. I showered when I finished, paid some bills, and went to bed. I repeated this pattern most days. I didn’t update my social networking page anymore. I changed my email address, my cell number and I don’t think witness protection could’ve done a better job of hiding me than I did. I visited my parents once since I’d moved and told them that Jamie and I broke up. I pulled into the yard where the Flanagan’s wouldn’t see my truck while I was there. I didn’t give them a forwarding address and only gave my cell number to my Dad after swearing him to secrecy. He wouldn’t tell. He was good at keeping my secrets. What I’d done to Jamie probably wasn’t fair. What he’d done to me wasn’t either. All of this time, he’d wished that I was her. All of this time, he’d wished it was her that he pulled out. I couldn’t live with that. All this time it was her that he was making love to in his head. I wouldn’t live with that. It was over. It was bad enough knowing that my own mother wished that I was her.

  “Hi there.” A very nice looking man was in my office doorway. “My name is Liam, I work upstairs and someone said that maybe you could help me.” He had papers with him. This is an inheritance case that we are working on. It’s still in probate but when probate ends, this client will need to arrange for estimated taxes and the like.” He was at least six inches taller than me and had very dark hair and a very nice tan. His green eyes had flecks of amber through them that almost sparkled. There was a tiny mole beside his right eye that I had an urge to kiss. I swallowed hard and leaned forward to look at the paperwork.

  “I’m sorry. I think someone has confused me with someone else. I don’t know the first thing off the top of my head about this.” I grimaced and shrugged. “I would have to do a lot of research.”

  “I thought this was your area. Aren’t you Lisa?” I laughed.

  “I’m Michelle O’Brien, sorry. Lisa is at the other end of the office.” I pointed in her direction. “You can’t miss her. She’s a very cute redhead.” He smiled showing very white and very straight teeth.

  “Hmm, that’s too bad. I prefer brunettes. Are you single Michelle O’Brien?” I smiled with only half of my mouth and bit my bottom lip. He looked very interested and watched my mouth, his gaze was intense.

  “I am. What do you have in mind?” I knotted my fingers in front of me and stilled my hands on the desk.

  “Dinner? After work, are you available?” He reached across the desk and put his large hand over both of mine. A strange tingle shot through me.

  “Sure, why not? I’d love to.” He gave my hands a squeeze.

  “Great. I’m going to go find Lisa now, but I will meet you in the garage at say five o’clock? What do you drive?” He didn’t get up.

  “A bright red pickup truck.” He looked surprised.

  “I’ve noticed that truck, I’ll meet you there.” He squeezed my hands again gently. Liam rose from the chair across from me and walked out of my office. I watched the khaki pants, he had a great rear end, and he looked over his shoulder back at me and smiled. Hannah hurried in.

  “He was very handsome Michelle, did he ask you out? I nodded. She filled my coffee cup. “The ladies all want to date him, I’ve heard them talking. He is quite the stud from what I understand. It’s good that he wandered into your office huh?” I nodded again looking past her to watch him go into Lisa’s office through the window next to the door.

  “Close my door Hannah.” She did as she was told staying inside with me. I picked up a stack of paper and fanned myself. “I am not going to feel guilty about this. I am going to have a nice time.” Hannah was grinning like a school girl.

  “Are you worried?” I shook my head. “Good.” She turned and lifted a black dress from the hanger on the back of my door. “You should wear this. You are really, what do they say? Hot in it.”

  “Do you think?” Her eyebrows rose as she wolf whistled at me. I did conveniently have black pumps on today. I could pull it off without a problem. I decided to go for it and damn Jamie anyway. I should be able to go out with a great looking man without thinking about Jamie Flanagan.

  I changed in my office and fixed my hair and makeup in the ladies room then calmly rode the elevator down to the garage. He was waiting in a black luxury crossover in the parking space next to my truck. “You can follow me to the restaurant, okay?” He’d stepped out to walk over to me and helped me into my truck.

  “Sure. Where are we going?” I put my suit on the passenger side of the truck in the dry-cleaning bag that the dress had come out of.

  “Do you like French, or Italian?” I thought about it for a second and chose French. “Follow me ma Cherie.” He put on a perfect French accent which sounded a little corny. I parallel parked at the curb and fed the meter. He did the same and took my elbow. We went inside and were seated in a quiet corner near the front windows. Liam ordered Zinfandel while I looked the menu over. “What do you think so far?”

  “It’s very nice.” I sipped my wine. He told me about his first wife, there was a shocker. I had a niggling question in the back of my head, why was he divorced? Then he told me about his second wife. I was starting to wonder how old this guy was exactly and had already decided that I did not want to be next in line. I let him do most of the talking, smiled in all of the appropriate places, and sipped my wine very slowly because he was not giving me a ride home. The dinner finished late with mint ice cream, which was the best part of the meal, I didn’t really like French after all except for the ice cream. To be fair though it could’ve been the company, I probably would’ve liked it better if Jamie were eating it with me. Everything tasted better when he was around. Damn him, why did he keep sneaking into my thoughts? I silently chastised myself. Eventually, I would have a day without him sneaking in there to harass me. Liam was nice enough but not for me, as pretty as he was, he was not for me at all. He took my elbow to guide me out of the restaurant and I let him. Liam was ver
y polite and quite the gentleman but really not for me. When we got outside into the cool early spring air, I shivered.

  “Cold?” I shook my head but he wrapped me in his arms. “I’ll keep you warm. Did you have a nice time?”

  “It was lovely.” I said quietly, his face was too close to mine and even though I knew what was coming, I really didn’t want it to. I would keep it brief, light and move on with my life. Just as he leaned in, he was jerked backwards and away from me. That’s when I saw the angry gray eyes. Jamie, shit! My mind screamed.

  “Get in your truck Michelle.” He ripped the zipper of his hoodie down and tore it off. “Put that on before you get sick.” He threw the jacket at me. I shoved my arms in the sleeves, I don’t know why. I just do what Jamie says, it was habit. “Get in your car Mister and we won’t have any trouble.” Jamie hissed. “She’s mine, always was, and always will be.” He shoved Liam toward his SUV but Liam didn’t move very far. Liam is just as big as Jamie. “What are you doing Michelle?” He glanced over his shoulder at me. “What the hell is going on?” Liam came back at Jamie from behind but Jamie spun on him. “This is your last chance to save yourself, mister. If you don’t drive away right now I will seriously mess you up.” I got in my truck then recognizing something in Jamie that I had not seen in years, rage. The truck started as my shaking hand turned the key and I peeled away from the curb squealing the tires. I saw Fran sitting in the Z28 across the street. I pushed the pedal all the way to the floor. Let them sort it out. Fran was not the only one with eight roaring cylinders. I did not want any part of this. I only wanted dinner and some company. I sped home and put the truck in the garage closing the door quickly behind me. I didn’t know if Jamie happened on us by accident or if he knew where I lived. I kept the lights off and parked myself in the big living room window. I watched the street for over two hours waiting to see the Z28 drive by but it didn’t. I sat like that on the couch wrapped in Jamie’s gray George Mason hoodie. The intoxicating scent of him filled my senses and I wept. Who was I kidding? I would always love James Michael Flanagan. There was no way around it. I fell asleep propped up in the window. It was a shame that my name would never be Jenny.