Not That Kind of Love

by K. S. Martin

  My cell alarm went off the next morning waking me in my place on the couch. I’d fallen asleep staring out the window waiting for him to find me. Every part of me was stiff and complaining. I turned the coffee pot on and got into the shower to repeat my ever repetitive day. I brought Hannah flowers and asked her to come into my office. “That was awful.” I spoke quietly, conspiratorially. Her eyes were very wide. “He’s been married twice before and has a few kids with an assortment of women. I had already decided not to be number three when Jamie showed up.” Hannah gasped and leaned closer, her mouth hung open and her eyes were big and round. “They were going to fight so I got out of there. I watched out the window but I never saw Jamie drive by my house. Oh, shit Hannah. What if Liam told him where I work?”

  “Michelle. If we need to change jobs again, we will. I will follow you anywhere. You’re the best boss that I ever had and I won’t leave you if I can help it. Meantime, why not ask Liam what happened after you left? I can call his secretary and get a heads up when he gets here and then you can call him and ask him.” I nodded. “Or, maybe you should call Jamie and talk to him.” She encouraged me. “You guys were together so long and you loved each other so much, maybe you should just talk to him, get closure for both of you and you both can move on. I’m sure he’s probably sick with worry about it.”

  “He didn’t look sick with worry last night. He looked pissed. I’ve never seen him so angry Hannah. I’ve never seen his eyes so flat and gray, so dead and so angry at the same time. He’s never looked that way Hannah, not in twenty years. It was frightening, there was so much…rage.”

  “Maybe you could call his sister, what was her name?” I smiled then.

  “Fran, talk like a sailor Fran. I miss her. I really loved Fran, just like a sister. I mean we weren’t tight like Jamie and I but I always loved Fran. She was there when I needed her more than once. There was a soft knock on my office door. Hannah went to open it and let Liam in as she went out and shut the door behind her.

  “Hi.” Liam said. I drew in a long breath. “You’re boyfriend is a nice guy.” I wasn’t sure if he was being sarcastic or honest. “I should’ve left when he told me to.” He grimaced and sat down.

  “Look Liam, I’m really sorry if he did anything to hurt you.” He shook his head. “I have to ask you if you told him anything about me. Did you tell him where I work or anything like that?”

  “No. I didn’t tell him anything. He threatened me, shoved me a little but no harm done and no hard feelings. He didn’t ask me anything about you. There was an old Z28 sitting outside of my house all night but there was a blonde girl inside it. I don’t know if she was watching my house or the house across the street. What’s that guy’s deal anyway?” He rested his foot on his knee and leaned back in the chair.

  “We were together for a long time, we were never married but we were engaged then split up and I left. Actually, I disappeared. It’s the first time that he’s seen me in a few months or so. Are you sure you didn’t mention anything about me?” Liam shook his head. “I’m not sure that I want to be found.”

  “Where would you like to go to dinner tonight?” He smiled that gentle smile that was so attractive. “This time maybe we can avoid the show.”

  “I’m sorry Liam. I don’t think it’s a good idea for this to continue. I had a nice time and you are a really nice guy but I don’t really like all of the baggage that you have to carry. I want to be someone’s first wife, not the third.”

  “Fourth.” He chuckled. “I understand. Thank you for being honest with me. I had a very nice time Michelle. If you change your mind, let me know, I think you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.” I flushed crimson. He held his hand out to shake mine. I let him and watched him leave. Hannah brought me more coffee and a yogurt. I thanked her and moved on with the pile of paper that waited on my desk. I’d worked through most of it when Hannah brought in more.

  “Mr. Robichaux would like you to reconcile, analyze and chart this. He said that he needs it today.” My eyebrows shot up as I glanced at the clock. No lunch for me. I finished the project just after six o’clock. Hannah had stayed working quietly at her desk after everyone else left. I sent the work to Mr. Robichaux’s email. He immediately shot back a ‘thank you, you saved my butt!’ Hannah and I packed up and went down in the elevator together. When the doors opened she went one way and I went the other. I unlocked the truck, the noise echoing off the garage walls. When I got closer, it seemed to be leaning a little. I prayed that I didn’t have a flat tire. It was a long day and I was out of patience and energy. I just wanted dinner and bed. I looked at the tires on the passenger side and the driver’s side, all fine. I went to the door and opened it. Jamie hopped out of the bed and I screamed. He wrapped me in his arms quickly and rubbed my back from nape to base, soothing me.

  Chapter 10

  “Shush Mich, it’s just me. It’s okay.” I shook all over. He’d scared the crap out of me. “Shush, it’s okay.” I couldn’t help but melt into him. His chest was hard and comforting under my cheek, his arms were so warm and comforting around me. I started to cry, I couldn’t help it and I couldn’t stop. He just held me. It was the same as always, he held me and made all of it go away. All of the loneliness, tension and desperation that I’d been feeling dissipated under his wonderful warm hands. “Sweetheart? Are you okay now?” He asked when I stopped blubbering. I nodded against his chest. My cheeks were wet and my eyes closed. Jamie leaned down and kissed my forehead, my eyelids, cheeks and finally my mouth. It was sweet and full of promise not passionate, but exactly what I needed. I was just sorry that I couldn’t be her for him. “We need to talk Mich. Will you come home with me and talk?” I thought about what Hannah said earlier and agreed. “Can you drive?” I nodded again. “May I ride with you?” I motioned for him to get in. I heard an engine start and rev, a really big one, I knew without looking who would be piloting that engine. I turned and waved at Fran. She pulled the Z28 close to where I was parked and waved me over. I went and leaned in her window. Fran leaned up and kissed my cheek.

  “Shell, we’ve spent every day and night looking for you since he got out of the hospital. Please listen to Jamie’s side and give him a chance. He’s been sick without you, he loves you so much.” Her eyes were moist. “It’s like I’ve lost a sister Shell, and to him, it’s been like part of him died or something. Please hear him out. Okay? For me?” She pleaded with a desperation that I’d never heard in Fran’s voice before and I nodded.

  “You didn’t cuss once during that whole speech Fran, are you okay?” I patted her hand. She shook her head.

  “We miss you, we all miss you. The whole family has been looking off and on and we’re all just sick about it. It’s taken its toll on me, I’ve had to endure a lot more of Mom and it’s really put a damper on my speech pattern.” I squeezed her hand and she smiled the same lopsided smile that Jamie had sometimes. I loved her for it.

  “Don’t worry, it will be okay. I promise.” I winked and she smiled brighter. I walked back to the truck and got in the driver’s side, Jamie was in the passenger seat looking stoic. Fran pulled out of the garage and went left, I went right. Jamie sat there stonily. We said nothing to each other during the whole drive, it was weird and uncomfortable. I pulled into my parking place. I was still paying rent until the lease was up in a couple of months. Jamie got out when I parked and went to the elevator. I followed. I nearly turned and ran when the bell dinged but I took a deep breath and followed him into the elevator. He stopped at his door and unlocked it glancing at mine. I wondered how many times he’d done that since I left, I knew the answer. Every time. I hesitated but followed him in. He went to the fridge and got two beers out popping the tops off of them and throwing the small metal circles in the direction of the trash, both of them landing on the floor near several others. He handed one to me. I sipped. Dishes were piled in the sink. Clothes were strewn about and the bed was unmade. He’d quit taking care of anything when I left. I’
d noticed the stubble on his face but didn’t mention it. He was thin, almost scrawny. His hair was longer than usual and even his fingernails were unkempt.

  “Sit.” He pulled his jacket off and threw it into a chair. I picked up the clothes in the living room and tossed them into his already full laundry basket. “Mich. I don’t know where to start.” He took a long pull from his beer finishing it. He tossed that into the recycle bin, at least it made it. He went for another beer and tossed the cap and missing again. He leaned on the counter, his hands braced on the edge. I watched him. It was a hard thing to do because he was like a wounded animal. I could see that he was miserable, but what could I do? I wasn’t Jenny, I never would be. When he looked at me again, his eyes were wet. I started toward him. He held his hand up and waved me away. “Why did you leave me?” He asked quietly.

  “You know why.” I perched on the edge of the couch wondering if I could sprint past him and get out of the building before he caught me.

  “Don’t.” He could still read my mind. “I… I don’t wish you were her. It’s not true what you said. I haven’t been substituting you for her. It’s always been you that I loved Michelle.” I was shaking my head. “It’s true. I turned her down when she asked me. I wanted to go with you.” He was concentrating on my belt purposely not looking at my face.

  “I don’t believe you.” I said shaking my head. “You said she kissed you. She wouldn’t kiss you if you’d said no.”

  “She did. She said that you and I belonged together. She knew way back then, why don’t you?” His eyes studied mine now. He came over and knelt at my feet. “I love you, only you, always you, it’s never been anyone else Mich. It’s you that I want to spend my life with, it’s you that I want to have my children with. Only you.” My head was shaking again. He was leaning up toward me now. His mouth was on mine and it felt so good that I wouldn’t have stopped him if I could. My arms went around his neck. I breathed his name. “Only you, always you, I love you.” His deep voice thrummed over my nerves. We had been apart for so long and I couldn’t help the hot wetness dampening my panties.

  “Stop Jamie.” I pushed him away finally when I felt my control slipping. He sat back on his heels and dropped his head. “We didn’t go to the eighth grade dance.”

  “You didn’t ask me.” His head snapped up, his voice accusing. “It was girls ask the boys and you didn’t ask me. I was so hurt Michelle, I wanted so badly to go with you. I think when you didn’t ask is when I started looking at other girls. You went to a slumber party instead. Do you remember?” I nodded with tears welling in my eyes too.

  “I’m sorry.” I whispered and took his hands. I was sorry. All of this was my fault. All these years it’s been my fault. The blondes were my fault, the girls he’d been with in college, the woman screaming for God, they were all my fault because I chose a slumber party over this beautiful soul before me.

  “Michelle, I want you back. I still want to marry you. I still want to be with you. There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t looked for you since you left. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, my family is upset, and I can’t keep a straight thought in my head. You are what keeps me grounded Michelle and if I thought for a second that we didn’t belong together then I would let you go. But I know that’s wrong. I know that you love me. I know that we are each other’s other half.” His hands stayed in his lap, he didn’t try to force me or try to appeal to me sexually. He wanted my heart, mind and soul without influence. I could understand that. If I didn’t choose without coercion, I may change my mind later. He wanted a commitment, he wanted me totally. “I miss you so much.” He drew in a ragged breath. “I won’t ask you to stay. I want you to but I won’t ask. I won’t keep you. If you need to go and think about it, I understand. But Michelle, I meant every word that I’ve said tonight and I meant what I said before. I want to be married and if we don’t have that kind of love after all, I am going to find someone else. I know that I am ready to settle down. Do you understand?” He squeezed my knee and I nodded. “How are the dreams?” He asked without looking at me. I shrugged.

  “I get by. I don’t have any close neighbors so I don’t disturb anyone when I have them. It takes longer to get through it without you.” I smiled down at him. He nodded and got up then went to finish his beer and dropped the bottle in the recycle bin.

  “You’re welcome to stay.” Jamie pulled his shirt off and dropped it as he went. I heard his shoes thud against the wall. He went into the bathroom closing the door behind him. I let myself out locking the door behind me. I unlocked my apartment and checked the cabinets and closets to see if I’d missed anything. The white plastic chairs were still on the balcony. I went to sit in one, to think, to try to make sense of what Jamie had said. He was so despondent, so skinny and still so beautiful, as bad as Jamie looked, he was still beautiful. I sat there for a long time. It was nearing midnight when I looked at my watch. I was exhausted, mentally and physically. My back hurt and my head hurt, I couldn’t decide which was worse. I let myself out of my apartment. The lock snapped as I closed the door. Jamie’s door flew open. “You’re still here.” His hand scrubbed at his face, I could see he’d been crying. I’d never seen him cry outside of a funeral and that was one or two token tears. I reached for him and held him. “Stay.” He said into my hair. “Even if it’s the last time, just let me hold you tonight. Please.” I nodded and let him pull me inside. He took my jacket and hung it over a chair. I undressed. He sucked in a deep ragged breath as he watched me with inky blue eyes. I got a tee shirt from his drawer to sleep in. I went into his bathroom and closed the door behind me. I brushed my teeth with my spare toothbrush that was still in the cabinet. I used the toilet and put my hair in a bun at the base of my neck. I turned out the light and went to the bed to lie down beside him. Jamie pulled me tightly against him. He felt so damn good holding me. His knees were behind mine, my feet rested on his, my butt fit perfectly in his crotch and his arm was around my middle like a steel band. He sprinkled kisses from my ear to my collarbone. My breaths grew heavier. My fingers laced with his and I tilted my head giving him better access. Every cell in my body screamed for him and it was impossible to ignore. Jamie brought my hand up to his mouth and put warm open mouthed kisses in my palm, on my wrist and up the inside of my arm. He went back to my ear and neck. His tongue tracing the curve of my ear, he nibbled softly on the lobe. He turned me then, his mouth searching for mine. He tasted the corners, and then raked his teeth across my lower lip. His tongue traced the bow of my top lip and finally the seam of my lips until I opened for him. His tongue caressed mine. An orgasm was slowly circling my womb growing heavier and tenser, quickening with each turn. Jamie’s warm hand covered my breast, kneading the soft flesh it found. His mouth left mine to cover my nipple through the thin tee shirt. His breath was hot and damp through it. He pulled the tee shirt out of his way and traced the circle of my areola leaving a warm moist trail, my nipples beaded for him. He placed warm open mouthed kisses down the ladder of my ribs to my belly where his tongue found and filled the well of my navel. I moaned softly. His kisses left a moist trail of fire on my skin. His lips kneaded my clitoris through my panties. It was engorged with want for him and I was ready to explode. Jamie eased my panties down carefully over my hips, like I was a fine piece of China that should be handled delicately. He dropped them over the side of the bed where I could find them later. His tongue lapped up from the well of my vagina to my clit. I moaned loudly. His tongue and lips pressed and squeezed my clit bringing me to orgasm quickly. “I want you Michelle, is it okay?” I urged him with my thigh. “I need you to say so.” He was kissing my inner thigh.

  “Yes, Jamie. Please…” I reached for him, finding his bicep in the dark and tugging at him. “I need you inside of me.” I begged. He shifted and let my hips cradle his without entering me.

  “I love you Michelle.” He said against my mouth.

  “I love you too Jamie.” He entered me then, pulling my hips up to rest against
the inside of his knees so that I was at the angle he loved so much. He leaned down and over me. His chest was warm rubbing my nipples, his mouth was on mine. His hands cradled my face as he kissed me thoroughly. Every thrust was given with a movement of his mouth on mine. It was so erotic. I lost cogent thought. I could only feel him in me, on me, and around me. My nails raked his back and he moaned into my mouth. Jamie waited for me. He brought me to orgasm twice before letting himself come. When he did, he kept kissing me, he didn’t want to ever stop, and I knew it was his heart and soul he was pouring into me. He needed me as much as I needed him. It had never seemed that way all these years, I’d always felt like I was hanging on his coat tails but he needed me too. Jamie slept wrapped around me. I wouldn’t be able to get free until he let me and I didn’t think it would be any time soon. I could see the sun was coming up behind the blinds. He was kissing my throat, my jaw, my eyes, my ear and my neck. He tightened his grip on me pulling me closer than even before. I turned to look at him, he was still asleep. My lips lifted at the corners. That was love. You could say it all you liked but until someone kisses you like that and pulls you that tightly against them while they are still asleep, you don’t know what love feels like. Suddenly, I knew that I could trust this man with every bit of my heart. He wouldn’t hurt me, he wouldn’t leave me and I really wanted to be with him.