Beacon

by Michelle Irwin

Her words struck me. Did the girls look like Phoebe when she was their age? Would they grow up to look like Phoebe? I’d never seen many baby photos of Phoebe, other than the few hangin’ around her parents’ house. I had none of myself. It left me with no comparison to figure out whether there was any truth in Angel’s words.

  “They look like Nikki,” Phoebe said. Even when she spoke, she didn’t tear her eyes away from Abby. “They’re so beautiful.” She lifted Abby up to her nose and sniffed. “I’ve always loved that new baby smell,” she added when she caught me grinnin’ at the action.

  Angel laughed. “It’s highly addictive.”

  “They should bottle it,” Phoebe agreed.

  “Can I get some photos?” Angel asked. “I think I already have a few thousand of the girls, but I want some with you and Beau in them too.”

  Phoebe grinned at her, the smile confirming how happy she was despite the course things had taken. “Of course.”

  Angel lifted Emma out of her capsule and passed her to me, and I sat as close to Phoebe as I could get without makin’ her move. It wasn’t long before Angel was rollin’ out a list of instructions and positions for us to sit in. Despite it takin’ some time, I didn’t issue a single complaint. I knew exactly what Angel was doin’, and it was exactly what I needed—somethin’ that would last as long as the memories. Givin’ the girls a chance of havin’ some photos of them with their mama.

  For the last few pictures, I helped Phoebe set up with a baby in each arm. The smile on her face, the expression that told me for her it was all worth it, almost broke me. I had to breathe heavier to stop the tears.

  Phoebe whispered something to the pair, and I although I didn’t try to overhear, it was impossible not to pick up some of the words. She was tellin’ them how lucky they were to be goin’ home with me, and how much she loved them. When her voice thickened, I moved forward ready to help her with the pair.

  “I just wish I could be there to see you two grow up,” she murmured, and I had to turn away. “But I’ll be watching over you. I promise. I’ll always be there for you.”

  I cleared my throat and struggled against my tears. “It’s just about time for the girls to have another feed. I can see whether the nurse here can heat up some water for the formula if ya wanna feed them.”

  “I would love that.”

  “I’ll go,” Angel offered.

  “No, let me,” I said. “I wanna follow-up on something anyway.”

  “If you’re sure.”

  I nodded as I grabbed the bottles we’d brought from home out of the diaper bag we’d packed before leavin’ the house.

  As soon as I stepped out of the room, I released the sigh I’d been holdin’ in. After a moment and a few deep breaths, I went to the patient lounge to heat up the water in the bottles. Once I’d set the microwave, I headed to the nurses’ station and tried to find out what time Phoebe’s specialist was doin’ rounds. I wanted to let them know I had everythin’ ready to go at home. All it would take was a couple of phone calls, and we’d have the equipment on its way and a private nurse doin’ rounds once every day.

  Once I had a timeline, I planned the rest of my day. I debated gettin’ Angel to take the twins home but decided against it in the end. Not only would it give Phoebe a bit of time with them but it would give us the chance to be together.

  I grabbed the warmed bottles and took them back to the room before mixin’ in the powder the way the nurses had shown me. Once I’d mixed them enough and double-checked the temperature, I offered one to Phoebe and the other to Angel.

  While Phoebe fed Abby, she glanced from the baby in her arms, back up to me, grinnin’ like a bobcat the whole time.

  Because Phoebe had helped her parents so much with her siblings, she was a natural at the baby care. Angel had been doin’ it to help us out for long enough that she had it all in hand too. After a while, both the girls were asleep again—one in Angel’s arms and one in Phoebe’s. I shifted to help Phoebe when it became apparent that she was struggling to maintain her hold on Abby.

  “I’ve got her,” she reassured me.

  I didn’t listen though, helping her to move Abby from her arm to her lap.

  “I thought you were going to take her away,” Phoebe admitted. “I’m not ready for them to leave yet. I don’t want to stay here while you all go home without me.”

  “No one’s goin’ anywhere yet.”

  “But you will. Soon you’ll have no choice. You’ll have to go on without me.”

  I heard the accidental slip in her words, but I didn’t wanna call her out on it. If I did, she’d think I hated her for her decision to push forward with the pregnancy. How could I though? It was the sort of decision I’d expect from the strong woman I loved, the one who’d been buried by fear for so long.

  Instead, I nestled in beside her and told her about the things that had been goin’ on at home—not that much had happened between our hospital visits.

  When it came closer to the time when her doctor would arrive, I watched the door. The instant that I saw him, I made my excuses and slid out of the room to speak to him.

  After our greetin’, I told him I’d organized everythin’ I needed to be able to bring Phoebe home. I didn’t need to confirm anythin’ else with him about the situation. We both knew the truth and what it would mean for Phoebe. It was for the best, even if it didn’t feel like it.

  “I’ll talk to her to confirm her wishes,” he said.

  “Just don’t tell her I discussed this with ya please? It don’t really matter, but she’s likely to get upset if she thinks I’ve been goin’ behind her back. I just don’t want her to be uncomfortable and lonely for a day more than she needs to be.”

  “How soon can you have the set-up in place?”

  “Everythin’ is on standby, and everyone is just waitin’ on my call.”

  “I wish everyone in this situation had someone like you.”

  I could only nod, unable to take his praise because I didn’t deserve it. All I’d done was what any good husband would do, especially when faced with losin’ his wife—paid attention to her needs and put them ahead of my own desires.

  “Your doctor is here,” I said to Phoebe when I headed back into her room. “We’re just gonna give you some privacy for a while.”

  Angel and I each took one of the babies with us and headed to the waitin’ room.

  “We’re not just going home?” Angel asked.

  “Not just yet. The doctor is gonna talk to Phoebe about going home.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah.”

  Angel ground her jaw. “This fucking sucks.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Maybe there’s still a miracle waiting in the wings.” Her voice was so full of hope.

  “Maybe.” I couldn’t shatter it even though I knew the truth after goin’ through it with Abby, so I just nodded. “Are you gonna be all right with the girls for a moment?”

  After Angel had confirmed she would be fine, I headed back to Phoebe’s hospital room. The doctor had left, and Phoebe was half-reclined and starin’ at her hands.

  “Howdy, darlin’.”

  “You’re still here.”

  I gave her a smile that I wished could be more genuine. “Yeah, I wanted to see what the doctor had to say.”

  “He said I can go home whenever I want to.” Her voice sounded happy, but the tears swimming in her eyes belied the truth we both knew. She was goin’ home to die. We might have days, or weeks—months if we got damned lucky—but there was nothin’ more the hospital could do for her that she couldn’t get from a home nurse and visitin’ doctor.

  A moment of silence passed between us, and I tried to force my smile to lock in place. If she was willing to pretend to be happy for me, I was going to return the favor.

  “Are you okay?” she asked.

  I fought through the emotions choking me and nodded. “I’m great. I’m just happy you’re . . . comin’ home.” My voice broke as I tried to s
ay the words.

  The tremor in my tone proved too much for her and the tears spilled from her eyes and down her cheeks. She held out her arms for me, and I took the invitation, drawing her into my hold while she sobbed against my chest.

  “When can you go?” I whispered as I brushed my hand over her hair.

  “How soon can you organize everything?”

  I didn’t even need to think about it. “By tomorrow.”

  She pulled back. “Really? That soon?”

  I didn’t want to answer her because answerin’ would be tellin’ her I’d been preparin’ for this eventuality.

  As if she could read my mind, her tears started again, and she nuzzled my neck. “I’m sorry,” she whispered against my throat.

  I shushed her as I brushed my hand over her hair. There wasn’t anything for her to apologize for. “Let me make a few phone calls, you find the doc, and we’ll see if we can spring ya from this place sooner.”

  “You mean I might be able to go home with the girls.”

  “We might need to get them home sooner, but I can come back for a jailbreak.”

  “I’ll get to spend their first night at home with them though?”

  I swallowed down the lump in my throat. “Yeah. Ya can spend the night with them and every day after.”

  Our gazes met, and hers said the same things that were running through my head. Until the last one.

  “Beau . . . Thank you. I know this hasn’t been easy on you, but you’ve been unfailing in your support.”

  After a muttered excuse, I stepped outside of the hospital room and leaned against the wall to take a moment to compose myself. Every time I thought I was comin’ to terms with everythin’—with the fact that I had to say goodbye soon—something else came along to knock the breath from me.

  I went back to Angel and let her know it was time to go. “She’s comin’ home.”

  There was no joy in Angel’s voice when she asked, “When?”

  “Today if I can arrange it.” While we spoke, we made our way toward the parkin’ lot.

  “What do you need me to do?”

  “Get the girls home and look after them for a while. Stay there for deliveries. I’m gonna make some calls and see what I can work out.”

  “Will you need me to come back and pick you up?”

  “If Phoebe comes home, she’ll need to take an ambulance anyway. If not, I’ll get a taxi.”

  She patted my arm. “Let me know if you need anything.”

  “Will do.” After a moment, I had another thought. I didn’t want Angel to have to stress out over transporting and moving both babies when she got home. “I’ll see if Lys can meet ya at home too.”

  “I’ll be all right with them, Beau.”

  “I don’t wanna take no chances.”

  “Okay, if you say so, Daddy.” She offered a friendly smile. “Good luck and I hope you can get things arranged to bring her home. She’ll be much happier there.”

  Before Angel had even driven out of the parkin’ lot, I had my phone at my ear arrangin’ for Alyssa to help her out for a few hours. Once I’d hung up, I got straight onto the medical suppliers to arrange delivery of the equipment—and offerin’ to pay any cost to make it happen that afternoon. After I’d had confirmation that the equipment was all under control, I called the most important person—the home nurse. When she confirmed she could come around later that night for her first shift if we needed her, the last piece fell into place.

  When I walked into Phoebe’s room again, the smile on my face wasn’t entirely faked. “Are ya ready for a jailbreak?”

  “I’ve got to get the doctor to sign off on my release first.”

  “Let me find him then.”

  I left her to find her doctor. Now that I had the promise of her comin’ home burnin’ in me, I wanted it. I needed it. Although she was likely comin’ home to face the end, I wanted her to be comfortable and happy.

  After huntin’ down the doctor, and gettin’ the sign-off for Phoebe, I spoke to the nurses about organizin’ a nonemergency ambulance to take her home.

  Home. The word meant so much, and might soon mean so li’l.

  While Phoebe and I waited for her transport, I helped her pack the things that she had accumulated in her time in the hospital. The cards and stuffed animals that had resided around her bed. We’d leave the flowers because there were too many to bring.

  “Are ya excited to be goin’ home?”

  “Of course. I just hope I’m not making a mistake.”

  I frowned. “Why would ya be makin’ a mistake?”

  Her lips twisted. “What if I get sicker faster at home?”

  “I can leave ya here if you really want?”

  She narrowed her eyes. “Don’t you dare. You’ve dangled the promise of the night with my girls in front of me, you have to deliver on that now, buddy.” The life in her voice as she teased me choked my heart because of the reason behind her trip home.

  I offered her my hand. “Dance with me, darlin’?”

  “What here?”

  “Where else?”

  She placed her hand in mine and stood. With her head on my shoulder, we swayed back and forth as I sang to her. The words were on my lips and had been ever since I’d learned what was happenin’ with Phoebe’s health.

  “One more day,” Phoebe murmured as her tears wet my shoulder. “You would sing that.”

  “It’s all I want in the world right now. One more, and then another.”

  “I used to think that song was so hopeful.”

  “It still gives me hope,” I whispered in her ear before leaning my lips against her cheek. “Hope that I’ll get one more day. That ya ain’t gonna leave me just yet.”

  “Would you sing that at my funeral?”

  “Darlin’—”

  “Just say yes.”

  I sighed. “Yes. At least, if ya promise to hold on as long as ya can.”

  She didn’t respond, but there was nothin’ she needed to say. I held her close as I danced with her and started another song.

  It took nearly four hours in the end, but eventually, the ambulance pulled into the driveway at home. The home nurse was already there and helped the paramedics get Phoebe from the ambulance. She and I helped Phoebe toward the door to the house. When Phoebe struggled with a step, I swept her up into my arms.

  “I wanna carry my wife over the threshold now that she’s comin’ back home.”

  After I’d settled her in bed, I overheard Phoebe’s nurse whisperin’ that she had a good husband.

  When Phoebe whispered back, “I know,” I wished bein’ good to her was enough to keep her with me.

  CHAPTER TEN: TWIN SATISFACTION

  “THIS ONE’S ABBY, right, darlin’?” I asked Phoebe, pretending I didn’t know just to try to draw a smile. She’d been home for five days, and I’d been doin’ all I could to keep her spirits up.

  Thankfully, she had enough energy to move to the sofa most days, and she would sit with the girls and either Angel or me to help between visits from the nurse and her family and friends—all of whom wanted their moments to say goodbye ever since we learned how little time she had left. Alyssa, in particular, had come around every day. It was obvious she was trying to walk a line between supporting Phoebe and giving us our privacy while we settled the twins in at home.

  “No, silly.” Phoebe gave a small, breathless chuckle. “That’s Emma.”

  “Would it be terrible to write their names on their clothes?” I asked.

  “But then what happens when you change them?” Phoebe’s laughter was deeper, filled with a little more mirth. Like every other time I heard it lately, I wished it wouldn’t be one of the last times she would bless me with it.

  I brought Emma to Phoebe’s waiting arms. “What about writin’ it on their foreheads?”

  “You can’t write our babies’ names on their foreheads. You’ll just have to figure out a way to tell them apart.”

  I snuggled in beside
her with Abby in my hold. “How do you tell them apart?”

  She brushed her hand over Emma’s head, before surreptitiously sniffing—no doubt tryin’ to get a hit of the new baby smell she’d been cooin’ about. “Abby has more hair, but Emma’s is slightly darker. Plus there are the birthmarks.”

  “Ain’t they supposed to be identical?”

  “Yeah, but even identical twins have some tells. As they grow, you’ll have to learn theirs. After all, I won’t be there to—” She cut off mid-sentence and just stared into Emma’s eyes.

  I adjusted my hold on Abby so that Phoebe and Emma could slot in under my arm and then I held my wife as tightly as possible.

  “I won’t be there for them,” Phoebe murmured as if that one blindin’ truth had only just struck her. “Even if I double what the doctors have predicted, I’ll be gone before they can even form any memories of me.”

  “I’ll make sure they remember you,” I promised even though I couldn’t really reassure her. There was nothin’ I could say that would be set in stone. Phoebe had been makin’ her recordin’s, but she’d also made me promise to not show them to the girls if at any time it was deemed they would be detrimental to their wellbein’ or if they asked not to see them anymore, so I couldn’t even offer that as a reassurance.

  “I know. I’m sorry I gave you the burden of this. I know you probably would’ve preferred to not have the twins.”

  Despite what I’d thought when I’d first learned of Phoebe’s pregnancy, I couldn’t deny that I wanted the twins. Couldn’t refuse the pleasure I gained from somethin’ as simple as watchin’ them kick and coo. It was impossible to imagine my life without the swell of emotions that overrode every thought when it came to my girls. I didn’t want to say goodbye to Phoebe, but I didn’t regret Emma and Abby. I never could.

  “It just ain’t that simple,” I said, pressin’ my lips against Phoebe’s forehead, “and they ain’t a burden. Once upon a time, I couldn’ta ever imagined bein’ able to love anyone as much as I—” I cut off before I could say the words. Even after more than three years, it was hard for Phoebe to hear them.

  “Say it,” Phoebe said before I could continue. “Please?” She closed her eyes and held her breath as soon as her request was out.