Letting Go

by Morningstar Ashley

  “I take it this has happened before?” Kelley had never seen a child have a near panic attack before. He was also kind of upset that Alex hadn’t told him it was something he had to worry about.

  “Yeah. Didn’t Alex tell you?”

  “No, but he wasn’t feeling like himself. Let’s get going. I got us some food to eat when we get you home.”

  Evie had grabbed his hand as they made their way through the crowd to the aisle, surprising him. The only people Evie had been outwardly affectionate to were Alex and Ben, never him. It’d made him feel good when she’d done it. Both Davidsons had been stealing a piece of his heart the longer he was with Alex.

  As they entered the aisle, making their way to the door, Evie let go of his hand squeezing in front of him to bypass a small group that was standing there talking.

  “Oh, Evie. Where’s your brother?” The voice that spoke was a young woman who had a small brown-haired boy grasping tightly to her hand. She seemed to be looking around to see if Alex was there, no doubt.

  “Hi, Ms. Fairley, he’s at home sick.”

  The woman’s face fell a little at the news. Kelley thought someone might have a bit of puppy love for his Alex. He couldn’t wait to tease him about it. “Oh, that’s sad. Please tell him I hope to see him up and well at the next rehearsal.”

  “I will.” Evie turned to go, Kelley right on her heels, when Ms. Fairley noticed him, her once dimmed smile brightened right back up again. Kelley laughed on the inside ready for the flirting he knew was coming. “Oh, hello.” She held out her hand for him to shake, not letting go right away, as she continued to speak. “Are you a friend of the family? I don’t think I’ve seen you here before.”

  Before he could answer Evie spoke up. “This is Kelley. He’s my brother’s boyfriend. They’re probably going to get married someday.”

  He looked down at Evie who had the most angelic smile he’d ever seen. Kelley did all he could do not to bust out laughing at sweet little Evie. So instead he just let the biggest grin spread across his face. “That’s me. We should go, kiddo. Alex is probably worried that it’s taking so long. You know how he is.”

  Nodding to the young mom, whose eyes widened in shock to Evie’s statement, he said, “Ms. Fairley, I’ll make sure Evie passes along your message.”

  As soon as they made it outside Kelley bust out laughing. “You are as evil as Alex always says you are.”

  When Evie had opened the door, he had expected Alex to look sick, but the person lying on the couch looked nothing like his Alex. Kelley walked into the living room with his bags in hand and Evie following behind him.

  He saw Alex cuddled in a nest of blankets on the couch with his closed laptop on the coffee table and a small empty trash can on the floor next to the sofa. His hair was sticking up in odd little places, probably from having stayed lying on that one spot too long, and his face was pale and tired.

  “Oh, baby.” Kelley started toward Alex but realized he had the bags to put down first. “Hey, Kiddo, go say hi to your brother but don’t get too close, he’s probably contagious.”

  He’d left the two alone while Kelley went to the kitchen, placing the bags on the counter, and started to pull out all the food. His goal was to get some soup into Alex. At least get him to try. Not being able to keep food down for probably the last twenty or so hours wasn’t good. If anything, the ginger ale he bought would be good for him to get some hydration.

  He brought the sandwiches he bought for Evie and himself to the living room placing them on the coffee table. Then he’d gone back for the soup and ginger ale for Alex. By the time he made the two trips Alex had been sitting up on the couch still wrapped in his blankets.

  “Evie, I got you a turkey and cheese sandwich since I wasn’t sure what you like or what you’d want to eat.”

  “Thanks, Kelley. My favorite is ham and cheese, but I like turkey too.” She settled on the loveseat and started eating.

  “Alex, I got you some soup. Think you’re up to trying it?” If looks could kill, Alex’s face would be a deadly weapon. “Stop with the look, Alex. I didn’t say I was going to feed it to you. Unless that’s what you want.” Kelley winked at him.

  Grudgingly Alex took the soup. They all sat and ate quietly for a while. Alex took small bites, but he had finished about a quarter before he put it down on the table. Kelley had enjoyed the silence as they ate. It was nice to be with them, better than eating alone in his house.

  “Evie, why don’t you bring out your homework and I can help you with it, okay?”

  “Okay, Alex.” Evie was the quietest he’d ever seen her. She’d gone to her backpack, grabbed her books and sat back on the floor at the coffee table to do her work. Alex had helped a little when it came to her writing a story but soon got tired, his eyes slipping closed.

  Kelley stepped in after that guiding her along, not that she needed much help. It seemed she was brighter than Alex put on. In a short time, she went, on her own, took her shower and came back out dressed in her pj’s, ready to watch some TV.

  Kelley saw that Alex was still napping so he had her watch some videos on her tablet with headphones instead. He sat next to her on the loveseat watching the videos he couldn’t hear, but enjoying the silly cartoons all the same.

  He could get used to it. Being with these two settled something in him, filled a part that he hadn’t even realized had been missing. And it wasn’t just the being needed or having someone to take care of that had given him that feeling. He was certain it was just them. Something special about them that he couldn’t put into words made him feel whole.

  It surprised him that it took until he was forty years old to find that missing piece but he was damn well going to hang on to it.

  Kelley glanced over at Alex to check on him to see that he’d been staring at him. Kelley smiled. He couldn’t help it. He knew that wasn’t easy for Alex. Kelley knew that there were lots about these two that he didn’t know, but he wasn’t going anywhere. Some day he would know it all.

  Patience wasn’t always something that came easily for him, but for the guy that had been bringing him so much happiness, he could do it.

  “Can you tell her it’s time for bed?” Alex’s quiet voice broke the silence.

  Nodding his head Kelley turned to Evie, tapping her shoulder to gain her attention. Once she paused her show and took off the headphones he told her what Alex said. “Big brother is being a party pooper and said it’s time for bed, kiddo.”

  And just like that she was up and doing her routine for her bedtime. Kelley knew she wasn’t always that good. He’d been on the phone with Alex for some of the rougher bedtimes. But her brother being sick had shown her sweeter side and she was doing as she was told.

  Kelley tucked her in, feeling awkward and out of his element, since it was a task he had never done and never thought he would’ve been doing. But it was one thing he could now check off his bucket list. He’d survived a child’s bedtime.

  Since Alex had still been awake after all that Kelley went back into the living room, plopped his ass on the coffee table and waited.

  He had no problem waiting for Alex to get his thoughts together to speak. Particularly today when he had to lean on Kelley so much. He knew the change of having to watch someone other than himself, but most especially Kelley, put Evie to bed on top of having to ask for help in getting her home, was hard for him.

  “I know I’m not the easiest person, worse when I’m sick, which thankfully doesn’t happen often. But I, uh, want to thank you for being so helpful today. I know you don’t mind, which is an understatement, but I do, and it was hard to rely on you to do things that are mine to do.”

  “You’re welcome. And yes, I do love helping those I care for in my life, but today it was more about being there for you. It made me feel complete in a way that hadn’t happened before. Besides, that kid in there is a riot.”

  “I’m afraid to ask.”

  “I’ll tell you without you asking.” And
Kelley told him about how Ms. Fairley had been so crushed about him not being there plus her message for Alex, how protective Evie had told her that Kelley was Alex’s boyfriend, and how they were probably going to get married someday. Kelley laughed quite a bit in the retelling, making a ten-minute story into a full reenactment that brought out that sleepy sexy smile of Alex’s that he loved so much.

  It was the smile that stirred his lust and made his need to taste it on his lips explode. Too bad the man was untouchable until that damn stomach flu went away. He shook his head to clear that thought away since it would do him no good.

  “I told you she’s evil. No one believes me with that angel face she has, but she is.”

  “Oh, I no longer doubt you, baby. She is pure evil genius through and through.”

  “But she is right, you know?” Alex cast his eyes down, cheeks blushed. Whatever thought brought that on Kelley had to know.

  “What was she right about?” Kelley asked.

  “That we’re boyfriends. It may have been a while since I’ve done this but I think we’ve made it past the just-dating stage. Don’t you?”

  Just those words coming out of Alex’s mouth created a symphony of fireworks to go off inside of him. He wanted to jump and shout and dance around with how happy he was. He couldn’t. Kelley knew Alex enough that that would just scare him or freak him out. So, he kept it inside and smiled.

  “I think we are whatever we say we are. If labeling us boyfriends isn’t something you’re comfortable with, I’m good with any name you give us as long as there is an us,” Kelley stated.

  “You’re right, of course. It’s not about what anyone else does. But…I…let’s just say that I trust you. As much as I can ever trust anyone, which probably isn’t as much as a normal person but it’s all I can give. I don’t know why but I do. And today, you’ve proven yet again that I can trust that you’ll be there.”

  “Anytime you need me, baby. I’m here. I know you won’t be asking a lot or maybe never again and I won’t push, but I will ask and remind you I’m here for you. That goes for sex too.”

  And at the end of the day his smile, his laugh, and his trust were one of the best gifts Kelley could ever ask for.

  Alex had had the best weekend. Something he never thought he would say when it had nothing to do with work. He worked a lot since work was at home. Evie had long hours where she would play in her room, watch TV, record herself playing with her toys. Yeah, that one Alex had always thought was weird.

  But for the first time in forever, he hadn’t worked. And he wasn’t upset by it.

  Being sick for nearly three days had been the worst. Made a little better with Kelley coming over to care for him. Not that he’d ever tell him that. It would only go to his head.

  But then when he’d finally felt better on Friday they’d spent the day at Kelley’s gorgeous house that he was super jealous of. Not because it was nicer than his apartment, he loved his apartment, but the area surrounding that house was beautiful. Even though out on the balcony you could still see the other houses, the trees that encircled the area around the house made you feel like you were somewhere else besides Portland.

  Evie was supposed to have gone over with him, but she got invited to Ivy’s and decided that was much more fun than hanging out with her brother and his boyfriend, in her words. Alex was okay with that.

  He liked spending time with Kelley. It was always fun.

  They had spent much of their time fucking and talking and laughing. All the things Alex hoped to get out of their relationship. He could relax and just be. Alex trusted him, as much as that thought scared him. He wasn’t sure where it could go from here, but he would be happy if things never changed.

  And god that man’s lips were going to kill him.

  Saturday had been great too. Alex had gone home early that morning, greeting Evie home shortly after he arrived. Then Kelley followed by lunch, and they spent the day out going to a park, lunch, a movie, then dinner.

  And Evie was happy.

  Kelley and Alex had even made out that night on his couch after Evie had gone to bed. It was hot, and with how nervous Alex had been about Evie waking up and catching them they ended up acting like a bunch of teenagers expecting to get caught by their parents. It once again ended with them giggling like loons. Yeah, giggling. Alex couldn’t believe that as a grown man he’d been reduced to giggling.

  But he was glad because that weekend had been the thing that they needed. He hadn’t told Kelley, didn’t want to honestly, but today was the four-year anniversary of their mom’s death.

  They had always tried to make it a celebration. That didn’t mean Alex and Evie never cried or got down about it, they did. That’s why that weekend had been the best, it had distracted them both, especially his sister from the emotional rollercoaster today was going to be.

  Their mom had been their core, their home. She had a warmth that she could spread to those around her. As strict as she was with rules, there had always been love in her eyes when she grounded him or reprimanded a younger Evie.

  And she loved their father.

  “Love is worth it,” his mom would always tell him. She believed that there was a power and intensity in love, that love endured all things. Love could get you through so much but also bring you down if it wasn’t taken care of, she would always tell Alex.

  She would regale him time and time again of stories of her and his father falling in love. He had believed in her words and felt the truth of them to his core.

  Alex thought he found that with Ryan. He had poured all of himself into that relationship. Alex loved Ryan with every fiber of his being. He handed over every part of his heart and soul to him. Alex had been so sure it was forever.

  Ryan hadn’t endured the life that had been handed to them. Yes, one that neither planned on but one that Alex couldn’t have walked away from. Ryan bailed for a life with less, in Alex’s mind. An emptier life with no Evie and no Alex.

  Alex and Ryan laughed and loved and grew together. But some things can be torn apart as easy as ripping a piece of paper. They had frayed at the edges until the best part of them was gone. Torn in millions of pieces.

  The power of their love dwindled when they hadn’t recharged it and when Ryan had refused to speak up for them, to fight for them.

  Maybe Alex was unfair to Ryan. Alex knew he tried to endure, alone. Because Alex was off working, pushing to be better, to do more to provide for his sister and his boyfriend, the people that were his everything. The center of all he was.

  He had come home after long hours of work to spend time with Evie. To give stability to her world that seemed to crash around her every day since the accident that took their mom away.

  What he hadn’t done was make sure Ryan knew he was appreciated, wanted, cared for, and needed for more than just a babysitter.

  Alex had forgotten.

  Alex had let it all fall apart.

  He knew he was to blame but he sure as hell wouldn’t change what came to pass afterward. Not for his sister’s mental health and not to keep a man who didn’t want to be kept.

  The signs had been there. Alex had seen that afterward. Hindsight and all that. The new direction their life had taken, as much as Ryan loved Evie, he hadn’t wanted kids. Ryan hadn’t wanted the responsibility. He wanted fun and freedom. And honestly, Alex didn’t blame him. What twenty-one-year-old smart, cute, sexy guy wanted a ready-made family?

  But that hadn’t stopped the pain from still being there after all these years. Didn’t stop him from wondering what if, on the rare occasion that he let those thoughts enter his mind. Let the blame and guilt he carried in his heart bubble to the surface. Never for long but always long enough that the reminder of that pain and heartbreak and fear wouldn’t be forgotten easily.

  Alex needed that reminder now because as much as he liked Kelley, found him incredibly sexy, funny and light, with a strength Alex hadn’t seen since his dad was alive, he couldn’t allow himself to
get too attached. He couldn’t allow himself to…love.

  Love led to loss and pain.

  Never again.

  He could be with Kelley and not fall in love. He had to believe that, or he’d have to let Kelley go. He didn’t want that. Alex liked having him around, to laugh with, to talk to, to feel alive when their skin touched. He had been missing that for so long.

  Maybe parts of what Ben said had been true, but even if that was the case, Alex hadn’t been ready before Kelley walked into his life. He probably wasn’t ready even now, even with Kelley, especially as how jumbled everything felt sometimes. And that feeling of being rattled and off-kilter led to his episodes.

  Alex would never admit that to Kelley, or anyone.

  It was a weakness he couldn’t afford to have, because it was his job to be there for Evie. He had a promise to keep. One he had yet to break, and one he had no intention of breaking. If it came down to it and these episodes were made worse because of his relationship with Kelley, that meant not being with Kelley, then he would make that decision when it came.

  Alex had to shake off those thoughts. The day was about celebration and making sure Evie didn’t get overwrought and have a panic attack like she had two months ago.

  Thankfully that year the anniversary landed on a Sunday that way he hadn’t needed to take her out of school. Somehow in the past years when he had to do that it brought more focus to the sad part of the day and made Evie’s emotions all over the place.

  When she’d woken up, it had still been early, but that was how the day frequently went. It was like an internal clock that set off the alarm whether they wanted it to or not.

  Right then, they were both in the kitchen working on cooking their mom’s favorite breakfast. That and the cookies they’d make later were his least favorite parts because cooking was not something either had a talent for. The food never came out as good as their mom’s, but they tried every year and every year it got a little bit better.