Letting Go

by Morningstar Ashley

  Once it was all done, the kitchen was destroyed. Alex was sure there was syrup from the french toast bake on the floor, but he chose to ignore that while they sat on the floor in front of the coffee table watching old home videos of Evie as a baby.

  A tough thing to do but his little sister loved seeing herself as a baby, so Alex made sure to pick the ones that had just her in them to watch. Maybe when she was older and more stable in her emotions, he would pull out the other ones.

  The ones he hadn’t watched in years.

  The ones with his dad getting sicker and sicker from cancer while his mom’s belly, filled with Evie, had been growing in each video.

  That saving grace for his sanity as well.

  Bellies full and video time over they took care of their plates, ignored the messy kitchen and sat on the couch in the living room.

  “Can we do the stories now instead of after cookies, Alex?”

  “What, no playground or walk around the city first?” Alex questioned. It was their usual breakfast with old home-made videos, window shopping or the playground, then back to bake cookies then they would unwind with old stories Alex could tell her.

  “Yeah. We can change it a little, right? It’s our celebration. We make the rules.”

  And of course, she was right. “Okay, you pick which one I’ll tell you.”

  “How about my favorite one.” Alex knew what was coming next before she said it. “When Mommy taught me to walk.” One that he had told her numerous times.

  “You mean when you up and walked and stole her thunder?” Alex winked at her when she giggled. He was sure that was why it was her favorite story. Then he went on to tell how their mom had worked so hard to teach her every day, but all it took was one moment of decision at nearly one-year-old for Evie to get up and walk. And it was made worse because she walked toward Alex who hadn’t even been paying attention to her. In the end, his mom was just happy that Evie had met her milestone within “acceptable” range for all those pamphlets and books she had. His mom had been like that with him, but he was sure it had been worse with Evie because she had had her so late in life.

  They had laughed and giggled through the whole thing. Evie adding in running commentary on what she would’ve said had she been able to talk. Next, he went on to talk about her first day at pre-K when Mom had stood outside her classroom door listening to her cry, desperately wanting to go back and steal her away no matter what all the books had said.

  The day had been good. With food, stories, baking, and a quick trip to get flowers, they made their way to the grave. That had always been the hardest part of the day. To know their beloved warm mother was there in the cold hard ground. Gone from them. Evie not getting to know her the way Alex had been able to.

  They sat on the ground in front of her gravestone in silence for more than an hour. Evie had spoken quietly about some of her fondest memories. The scent of her hair, the feel of her hugs, and the sound of her laughter.

  The therapist thought that those memories and the ones that Alex told her would one day obliterate the terrors from that night. They were in tears as they sat and talked. He knew that would never stop.

  But like always as sadness crept in they used their love for her to push it back out.

  Back at home, they sat on the couch bingeing on cookies and Disney movies. Letting the day they had lost their mom become a day to celebrate her love for them and theirs for her.

  By dark that night Evie was nearly asleep on the couch, so he sent her off to get ready for bed as he cleaned up the kitchen and living room from the mess they had made that day. A few minutes later he was sitting on the edge of her bed tucking her in for the night.

  “Thank you,” Evie whispered.

  “For what, sweet girl?”

  “For being a great big brother and always doing so much for me. Today was good. I was sad, but my heart hurt less with you there.”

  He could feel a lump form in his throat, tears prickle his eyes. He was so overwhelmed with love for her. And that more than anything showed him he had made the right decisions for them both. He was keeping his promise. Nothing would stop him.

  “Today was a good day. And you helped me the same way, Evie.”

  Back out in the living room as he straightened some more he thought back on the last four years. He was sure that first year that turning their loss into a celebration of their mother had been the wrong choice. No matter what Evie’s therapist said. But now he was glad he listened and let his stubborn pride take a backseat when it came to his sister.

  After making sure the door was locked he made his way into his bedroom closing the door behind him. He had thought about working but knew his mind was not in the right place to do that.

  Deciding to shower to wash away the day, he walked into the bathroom removing clothes as he went. The bathroom wasn’t huge by any means, but the shower was the modern version of one in his parents old house made a little bit bigger, with a glass panel next to a glass door and light gray and white tiles.

  Alex stepped in under the rain showerhead, put his head down, chin to chest, and just let the hot water rush over him, taking all the day’s grime and stress with it. God, he loved that shower.

  As he washed and shampooed his mind wandered to Kelley. Alex was still unsure the decision to date him, if being boyfriends was the right one. It felt good, and he hadn’t been that happy in a long time. But it kept coming back to the idea that one day it was all going to blow up in his face and he’d be left once again to pick up the pieces.

  He should stop going back to that. Harping on it in his head did no one any good. And if he kept thinking it he might as well end it which was the last thing he wanted to do.

  Stepping out of his shower Alex grabbed his towel off the heated towel rack, wrapping it around his waist just as his cell rang in his room. He ran to pick it up.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi.” And just like that Kelley’s voice made him feel like he could breathe and sent shivers down his spine.

  “Hey. I wasn’t expecting your call,” Alex said as he sat down on his bed.

  “I missed hearing that sexy voice of yours all day. What have you been up to?”

  He hesitated for a moment before answering. “Not much. Just had a day with Evie.” Alex wasn’t sure why he didn’t tell Kelley what today was. It’s not like he didn’t know about his mom. Alex had plenty of opportunity yesterday and even now when he asked.

  He had heard Kelley sigh before he spoke making him even more aware that he disappointed him. “Okay, Alex. Let’s talk about something you will talk about. Our double date. You remember it’s this Friday, right?”

  “Yeah. Don’t remind me. How did we get roped into that again?”

  “Kinsley, remember? She wanted the four of us to get together. Have you spoken about what’s going on between you and Ben?”

  “No, I don’t intend to either. Part of me hopes he will just let his arrogance and ego go and just be happy, but the other part wants to call him out on his shit. I know if I start this argument with him again I’ll say something I cannot take back. He’s being an asshole right now, but he’s my best friend. I don’t want to lose him.” And he was afraid that no matter what he did he would lose Ben.

  “I hear you. I don’t know him well, so I hope he’ll do the former. I’ve got your back, either way, you know that, right?”

  “Yeah, Kelley, I know, but I don’t need you rescuing me.”

  “Maybe not but you have me anyway. Now, are you ready to tell me what’s up with you? Yesterday, there were times you seemed lost in thought. Today I didn’t hear from you all day and then when we do speak you sound distant and sad.”

  “I don’t know what you mean,” Alex replied softly already thinking that maybe just maybe he could just talk to him about this. That’s what friends and boyfriends were for, right?

  “Someday, baby, I hope you let me in. Trust that I can just listen, if that’s what you need, or maybe let me c
omfort you on the tough days. We all need that sometimes.”

  Alex could hear the pain in Kelley’s voice. Alex was hurting him by not trusting him. Not letting Kelley see who he really is. Alex may never be ready for that, but he could share that part. He could trust him. Taking a deep breath, Alex told him about his day with Evie. The importance of it, the memories they shared, and most importantly to Alex the words Evie had said to him before she fell asleep.

  “That is quite the little girl you’re bring up, Alex. You should be proud. I wish I could’ve done more for you today, but thank you. Thank you for letting down a little piece of that steel wall you’ve built around yourself.”

  After that he put Kelley on speaker phone while he got ready for bed, crawling beneath the covers. They talked for another hour about their plans for the week like getting together in two days while Evie was at rehearsal, Kelley’s work, and all things food since Kelley was obsessed with him eating.

  Enjoying the relief he felt of having someone to share things with, Alex let all his muscles relax as he lay back on his pillows. He missed that over the years. Sharing worries, opening up to someone so that he didn’t feel so alone.

  Alex refused to get ahead of himself and dive head first. But sharing little pieces with Kelley had him sagging into his bed listening to that calm, warm voice.

  Before he fell asleep, wishing for the first time he wasn’t alone in it, the last thing he heard was from that soft, warm voice. “Sleep well, baby.”

  After one of the longest, busiest weeks of his life, having either worked late or taken work home or to Alex’s nearly every night, it was finally Friday. That week had been filled with all the intern proposal work with his team, meeting after meeting with the HR team to figure out the steps in implementing the rollout of the expansion. Something he knew he could leave to his team, but he wanted to have his hand in that part because it was the one part that could fail the whole project, and then going through interview after interview to hire a new marketing and design staff with Ian.

  And it was Friday.

  That thought had gotten him through the day with some last-minute issues popping up that he had to handle and the inquiry from Bret about where he was on the proposal. Kelley was a laid-back guy, calm and focused, but having someone watch over him like Bret seemed to be doing sent waves of irritation over him. He tried not to let it, but even his feathers could get ruffled. Not that he’d told anyone that secret.

  One thing that he wasn’t concerned about that night was the double date. Kelley thought it was an excellent opportunity for Ben and Alex to heal some of the divides that had been built between them. He hadn’t seen them together, seen how Ben acted when he spoke to Alex, but he had hope tonight would do some good.

  Alex needed that.

  He needed a little happy, a little life put back into his, and a lot of love. Alex wasn’t sad, but he did seem lonely. Kelley didn’t want that for him, not if he could help it.

  A couple of hours later Alex was in the passenger seat of his car shifting nervously beside him. Kelley reached over and grabbed his hand pulling it onto his lap, hoping it would help settle him a little.

  “Why are you so nervous, baby?”

  Alex took a deep breath then released it. “I guess it’s the whole Ben being an asshole thing. I want us to have a good time. And…I…uh…shit.” His head was down chin to chest, staring at his lap like he was trying to find the words to what he needed to say.

  “You can say anything to me. Remember that, Alex.”

  “Yeah,” Alex grumbled, and his next words were said so low that had they been in a noisier place there was no way he would’ve heard them. “I want my friends to like you.” Sometimes the simplest of words can make a person the happiest they’ve ever been. Alex just did that for him in seven words.

  Deciding that making a big deal out of it would only draw those walls back up he chose not to acknowledge it other than to say, “I want them to like me too.”

  They arrived at the restaurant and waited in line at the hostess desk of Silent Vine to tell them Ben and Kinsley were already seated. The text from Ben had come through just minutes before they parked his car.

  Once again, Kelley found himself out on the patio, at the same place he had reconnected with Alex, being introduced to one of the most important people in Alex’s life. He had already fallen head over heels for little Evie, and his hope was that Ben showed him the guy that had stuck by Alex all those years, not the one who let his big head get in the way of that friendship.

  After introductions and ordering drinks they had settled in for some small talk. Kelley could do that part all day. It was part of being in his position at Vivid. Small talk and charm to win over the ear of clients and other executives.

  Unfortunately, the tension between Ben and Alex was off the charts, but Ben was either blind to it or didn’t care. Kelley was hoping it was the former since the latter made him a bigger prick than he wanted to see.

  Kinsley was lovely, and between the two of them, they had kept the conversation going. She asked about his work which gave him plenty to say, but it was nice that Alex jumped in talking about some of the stuff Kelley was doing with the intern proposal with a sound of pride in his voice over what he wanted to do.

  All he could do was stare at him, his eyes and face showing clearly what Kelley had him feeling since when he glanced away from Alex, he caught the small smirk on Kinsley’s face. But that was where the fun had ended.

  It started with little digs from Ben like “Aren’t you happier now that you listened to me?” Tension would radiate off Alex, but he wouldn’t address the comment at all.

  Kelley knew he hoped that Ben would get the idea but then another one would come. “I don’t understand why you denied doing this for so long.”

  Kinsley had directed the conversation away from anything related to that subject, but he persisted. She was distinctly getting more uncomfortable the longer it went on. Alex was coiled so tight Kelley thought he might snap at any moment.

  And they made no rhyme or reason. They would all be talking and then Ben would spit it out like he was doing it to nudge Alex for praise or something. Kelley was getting pissed.

  But still, they all tried to move past what he was doing. Then after the main course had been cleared and they waited for the coffee to arrive the final blow had been struck. And Kelley could honestly say that he had never been more fucking mad at one person more than he was at Ben.

  “You should be thanking me. You wouldn’t have him if it wasn’t for me pushing you. But you could’ve just hooked up with him and not dated him.”

  Alex exploded standing so fast his chair scraped across the stone floor of the patio nearly tipping over as he slammed his hand down on the table. “Enough!” People around them had stopped talking at his outburst. Kelley reached over placing his hand on Alex’s back in hopes to try to calm him down. Knowing he would hate to make a scene.

  “I’ve tried to stay calm, to give you the benefit of the doubt. I’ve tried to see my best friend underneath this asshole who can’t see around his own ego. I’ve tried so god damned hard with you, Ben, but you won’t stop. I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

  And without waiting for Ben’s response, Alex turned to Kelley and said, “I’ll be waiting at the car,” then turned and left the restaurant. Kinsley sat staring at Ben with a look filled with anger and confusion. When Kelley turned to look at the man who was acting like anything other than a best friend he saw that same look. Anger and confusion.

  “Ben. I cannot believe you would treat him that way. All these months you’ve been telling me how much he means to you, how much you care and want what’s best for him. And what do you do? Instead of trying to see that he’s happy and smiling tonight you acted like the biggest prick I’ve ever met.” Ben turned to face her, plainly shocked by her words. His face was red like maybe he was embarrassed. Kelley could only hope.

  Kelley had risen from the seat by
the time Kinsley finished speaking. He had no plans to stick around and see what else the night brought. The man he cared for needed him more than he needed to be here. “I’m going to go. I need to check on Alex. Kinsley, thank you for inviting us to dinner it was wonderful to meet you. Ben, fuck you.”

  As he turned to go, Kinsley spoke to him. “I’ll be leaving with you, Kelley. Ben, you can pay the bill since your behavior caused this. Oh, and don’t call me until you get your head out of your ass.”

  He walked her outside, offering on the way to give her a ride home, but she declined, telling Kelley that he should be alone with Alex and she was a big girl, and she could take a taxi. Kelley didn’t argue.

  When he arrived at the car, that they had parked about half a block down the street, Alex had been leaning against it arms crossed over his chest scowling at nothing. He almost seemed lost in his own world. One Kelley assumed wasn’t one of rainbows and puppies right now.

  Kelley wanted to wrap him up in his arms, take away the hurt and embarrassment he was probably feeling, and make sure it never happened again. But his Alex was not one to be coddled.

  Alex’s head snapped toward him when Kelley was a few feet away. The pain etched across his face clear to anyone walking by. He said nothing as he approached and Alex just stood straight, walked around the car, and got in when Kelley unlocked it.

  The car ride was quiet, other than Alex telling him that he already called Mrs. Tran and she was bringing Evie home as they spoke.

  But soon something changed. Out of the corner of his eye, Kelley could see a shift come over him. It was slight, a small shudder of movement that unfurled over Alex’s lean frame. Within minutes after the first sign, something was going on, Alex was trembling, his breathing was shallow, and he was shaking his hands out as though that would stop the tremor.

  “Alex? Talk to me, baby.”

  All he had gotten in return was a vigorous shake of Alex’s head. And that was when Kelley knew it was another panic attack, or episode, as Alex liked to refer to them. Thankfully they arrived back at the apartment as soon as he had hit that stage of the attack. Kelley quickly parked, ran around the car, and gently helped Alex out.