Letting Go

by Morningstar Ashley

  One huge problem waited for them in the apartment. Evie. Kelley was sure before the name slipped from Alex in a breathy whisper that he would never want Evie to see him that way. His best bet was to get her out of the room as fast as possible and into bed.

  And that’s what he did. As soon as he was in the apartment, Alex quickly got himself to his room, and Kelley gave excuses to Mrs. Tran. Once she was gone, he turned to find Evie speedily making her way down the hall toward Alex’s room. He cut her off before she could enter.

  “Hey, kiddo. Alex is exhausted and isn’t feeling very well.”

  “What’s wrong with him? Does he need a doctor?”

  “It was probably just something at the restaurant that upset him,” he said, which wasn’t a lie. “Let’s just let him rest for the night, and he’ll feel right as rain tomorrow.”

  She was sad and upset, but Kelley didn’t know what else to do. Thankfully she allowed him to help her get ready for bed and tuck her in, quickly and without much fuss.

  He made his way into Alex’s room to find him sitting on the floor rocking back and forth with his arms around his knees murmuring what sounded like him counting. Kelley quickly grabbed the blanket that had been draped across the foot of the bed, sat behind Alex, wrapping him in his arms and the blanket. As Alex leaned on him, he leaned against the wall. Much like the first night he had found him having a panic attack, he stayed with him all the way through, whispering words of encouragement and breathing with him.

  Ten minutes later Alex lay relaxed and fragile in his hold, head on Kelley’s chest and eyes closed. Kelley knew he had to get him to see a therapist about the attacks and getting him to do that was not going to be easy. The first step was to get him to recognize them as panic attacks and not just stress-induced episodes, as he liked to call them.

  All too soon Alex was pulling away, finally back to himself. He stood on unsteady legs, and when Kelley reached out to steady him, Alex shook him off, taking a few steps away from him.

  “How are you feeling, baby? You need anything?”

  “I’m great,” was the terse reply that he got. He shouldn’t be surprised. Two steps forward one step back.

  “Alex, we need to talk about these panic attacks.”

  “They are not panic attacks,” Alex growled out before taking a deep breath, calming himself. “They are just from stress. Obviously, I was stressed after Ben’s behavior tonight.”

  “I don’t doubt you were stressed. What Ben did was unforgivable, but, Alex the reasonable response to that is anger, maybe hurt, not what just happened to you.”

  Alex’s face filled with pain and anger at his words. He knew that it was going to be a tough road, but he wasn’t giving up. Kelley cared too much for him to do that.

  “You don’t know anything about me. You don’t know what I think or what I feel to make that judgment. I’m done talking about this.” Alex stormed past him toward the bathroom.

  Kelley stepped in his way willing to try one more time to get him to talk to him. Alex’s words hurt. It went right to the core of one of Kelley’s greatest fears. That he didn’t know Alex. He had so many rules in his head and walls around his heart that Kelley felt ill-equipped sometimes to break it down, to get through to him.

  “Please, baby. At least talk to me,” Kelley said in a quiet, pleading voice.

  For a minute, Alex stood and stared at him. Not moving, but searching Kelley’s face for something. He left his face and emotions wide open at the moment hoping Alex saw something that would get him to trust and open up to him. Alex took a step back, shook his head and spoke. “Go home, Kelley. I don’t need or want your help in this. And I don’t need or want to talk to you about this.”

  The pain that sliced through his heart was fierce and speedy. Alex pushed past him into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

  Kelley stood there frozen. Listening as the shower started, listening as the sound of the water moved and splashed as Alex washed up. Realizing that he needed to leave because there was no way that he was going to show his pain and hurt to the man who had so carelessly inflicted it.

  He was an asshole.

  It had taken two days for him to admit that to himself. Now he needed to say it to Kelley. How could he have treated him that way?

  Alex knew that Kelley had just wanted to help. Not that he needed help. Alex had the episodes under control. Mostly. His fear was that things were getting worse, that he wouldn’t be able to handle them soon. But he refused to keep thinking that way. He knew how to handle them. He did. And it’s not like Friday had been his first. Shit, he’d had two the days leading up to that day.

  He just had to find ways to reduce his stress.

  Not answering Ben the Bastards calls was one way he’d been doing just that. He had no intention of talking to him after the shit he pulled. Especially doing it in front of Kelley.

  He’d just wanted the date to go well, have his friends like Kelley. But no, Ben had to ruin everything with his ego.

  And then Alex had further ruined it when he treated Kelley like shit. Kelley knew him, probably more than Alex was comfortable with. But saying those things to hurt him was wrong. And now having to say he was sorry, that was the hardest part. It was easy to admit wrongdoing to yourself but to admit it to the person you hurt, not so easy.

  Alex had been sitting at his desk trying to get some work done, taking advantage of the quiet of the apartment on a Sunday since Evie had dress rehearsal early that day since the play went live that night. He had gotten barely anything done. His mind so focused on what to say to Kelley.

  How to fix what he’d fucked up.

  He’d already called him to ask him to come over. Apologizing over the phone was not the best way to fix it. That would probably take some begging.

  He had about twenty minutes before Kelley arrived, so he shut down his work, locked his computer, and went to the kitchen for a drink. He had all that nervous energy running through him that he needed to try to calm before he got here.

  Not that that would happen.

  Right on time, as usual, the doorbell rang. Alex opened the door to see a not smiling Kelley standing there. That didn’t happen often. Alex wasn’t sure if he should be relieved that Kelley didn’t look pissed off or scared that he looked sad.

  Sometimes hurt was harder to get over.

  Alex hoped he could fix it.

  “Hi,” Alex said as he opened the door and stepped back to let Kelley inside.

  “Hey.” Kelley’s whole demeanor was standoffish.

  Kelley followed him into the living room and sat on the opposite end of the couch as Alex. For a while, they just sat in uncomfortable silence not addressing the elephant in the room. Alex knew he was waiting for him to speak first.

  He should speak first. But he hadn’t yet decided on what to start with.

  Maybe simple and to the point was best.

  “I’m sorry, Kelley. I was a total asshole for saying those things to you.”

  “That’s true.”

  Kelley crossed his arms over his chest. Alex could feel the distance between them.

  “I…I’m not used to having people wanting to help, and I had a bad night. I took all of it and threw it at you as though it was your fault. That was unfair.”

  “Yeah, it was,” Kelley replied. His voice still terse and formal compared to how he normally spoke to him. That voice didn’t calm him. That voice made him think of everything he had to lose.

  “I’d understand if you can’t forgive me. But I hope you know that I know I was wrong and I’ll do better.”

  “Why do I get the feeling you’ve already made up your mind on how this is going to go?”

  “Typically, my asshole behavior pushes people away. This was well beyond my typical, so I have no doubts the outcome will not be a happy one.”

  “Do you remember what I told you about me, Alex?” His eyes softened a bit, and Alex’s hopes rose.

  God knows why since luck had
never been on his side.

  “About you? No?”

  “I’m not like everyone else. Yes, you hurt me. I won’t lie about that but what kind of person would I be if I just walked away after one fight? How could I tell you I’ll be there for you whenever you need me then let you fall?”

  Alex was an idiot. He let his insecurities and issues not see that about Kelley. Because it’s more than what he had told him, it’s what his actions said every time Alex tried to push him away or acted like a complete prick.

  Alex sighed at himself. Would he ever learn?

  “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

  “Stop. I accept your apology but please start thinking about others before you go off on them like you did me.” Kelley paused, locked eyes with him. “You really hurt me.”

  “I know, and I’m so—” Kelley smiled at him. “I promise to try harder.”

  “That sounds fair.” Kelley paused looking like there was something else to say.

  “Whatever it is just say it. I promise not to bite your head off.”

  Still sounding hesitant, he said, “Do you want to talk about the attacks you’ve been having?”

  Alex should’ve known he’d bring it back up. “They aren’t attacks. I told you it’s just stress. I’m working on it. That’s all I want to say about it.”

  “Okay. I won’t push. But I’ll say it again. I’m here for you anytime you need me.”

  “Thank you.” And he was more grateful that Kelley was willing to let it go than words could say.

  A couple of hours later Alex found himself and Kelley standing side by side in Evie’s school auditorium applauding a group of third graders on their play. But mostly his little sister who kicked ass as a king. Not that he was surprised she tended to act like royalty at home, so she had good practice.

  Kelley leaned over and spoke into his ear since it was so loud with all the parents clapping and cheering for their kids. “She did so well! You must be proud.”

  And he was of course! Nodding in acknowledgment to Kelley he turned back to see the kids file off the stage to the back. Evie had told him to meet her in the lobby after it was over since they had to change out of their costumes, so they made their way through the crowd.

  Alex was greeted by many of the other parents and teachers that were there that night. He had a sense of pride introducing someone like Kelley. Accomplished and sexy, who wouldn’t.

  The more Alex stared, the more his thoughts turned dirty. He hadn’t felt like that toward someone in ages. Just looking at Kelley remembering all the times he had his hands and lips on him, all the times he had Kelley inside of him, the sound of his gruff, deep voice when he told him what he was going to do to him had a tug of lust in the pit of his stomach.

  Probably not the best time, surrounded by all these people.

  Shutting those thoughts down, they found a corner to wait for Evie when Mrs. Tran came over to them. They exchanged small talk as she waited for Ivy to come out.

  Twenty minutes later they heard the happy chatter as the two girls approached, blabbing away about the play and all the excitement of getting the applause. It took Alex’s breath away to see Evie so happy, so relaxed in a crowd. He honestly thought he would never see the day.

  “Okay, sweet girl, we’re going to go. Remember we’re having dinner at Kelley’s tonight.”

  “Alex. Please stop calling me that in front of people,” Evie mumbled with her face close to his ear so the others couldn’t hear her. He gave her a squeeze to say he was sorry.

  “Okay, you ready to go then?” Alex asked.

  “Mr. Davidson, can Evie spend the night at my house?”

  Alex looked to Ivy’s mom to make sure it was something she was okay with, she nodded so now it was up to him. He wanted her to come with them to Kelley’s. He liked the time alone with him, but it made him feel a little bit more whole when they were all together. “Are you sure you’d rather do that than come to Kelley’s?”

  “Yeah, I mean I love going to Kelley’s, but I want to play with Ivy and this way you guys can kiss if you want,” Evie replied with the biggest grin on her face while he was sure his face was scarlet.

  “Okay, kiddo, since you’ve sufficiently embarrassed your brother we’ll leave you to your friend. Mrs. Tran and Ivy, it was wonderful to meet you,” Kelley said with laughter in his voice. The bastard.

  A few hugs and goodbyes later they were in Kelley’s truck on their way to his house. Alone.

  And just like that, all the thoughts from earlier came flooding back. Alex’s dick liked that direction even if he was a bit disappointed Evie hadn’t come with them.

  By the time they arrived at Kelley’s his cock was already thick with need and leaking in his dress pants. Alex could have sworn that Kelley had known what his train of thought was because at one point in the drive he reached over placing his hand on his thigh, which hadn’t been that bad. It was his hand steadily going higher and higher, the caressing of his inner thigh with his fingers that had driven Alex mad. It was just friction, teasing but just enough to ramp him up.

  By the end of the trip Alex was squirming, he was so turned on. He sat on his hands to stop himself from reaching out, taking out Kelley’s cock just so he could make him go fucking crazy like he was.

  Alex felt like he had a live wire under his skin, bringing to life every nerve ending. All of them reaching out wanting to touch and lick and do everything to that man.

  As they walked through the gate and all the way into the house Alex kept waiting for Kelley to push him against the wall of the house or inside against the door. But nothing. The big, mean, teasing prick did fucking nothing.

  “Alex?”

  Startled he turned toward Kelley realizing he’d been staring at the door like it held all the answers. “What?”

  “You’re staring at my door.” And didn’t that big mean teasing prick have on that fucking smirk of his too, only if that smirk didn’t turn Alex on as well.

  “Yeah, sorry, lost in thought.”

  “I asked if you wanted some wine. We can sit on my balcony upstairs. It’s a nice night out to have the fire pit going.”

  “Sure, we can do that,” Alex grumbled. Clearly, Alex was going straight into pouting mode.

  Alex wished he was the more aggressive type. Being able to initiate the sex between them, tease Kelley like he always did to him. But it just wasn’t in him. He had never been that way with any of the guys he had sex with. It was one of the reasons random hookups had never been something he was into. He didn’t need the emotional connection with someone but even putting himself out there for just sex was too much for him.

  Ryan had always been the aggressor in their relationship. The one that had come up to him that first day, the one to start nearly every time they had sex. Finding that in him had been what worked so well for them.

  Alex wasn’t one to have a type of guy he was attracted too. Tall or short, lean or built didn’t matter to him. Alex’s only type was top. Ryan had been both shorter and slimmer than he was, but all top in the bedroom. It had worked well for them.

  Kelley, oh, that man was all dominant top in the bedroom and outside a little bit too. He was rough and demanding, and until Alex had been under him, he’d no idea he would love it so much.

  But now, as they sat on the loungers outside on the balcony sipping wine, the fire burning in the metal and stone fire pit, and dim outdoor lights hanging from the trellis, they were going over the night and the play, he was anything but being dominant. Now he was just being a tease.

  Alex and Kelley had sat on the same double lounge chair as the first night they had sex three weeks earlier. And now all Alex could think about was that night.

  Of course, Kelley hadn’t been keeping his hands to himself. Again, he’d been touching him, and to most it would seem like affectionate touches. Maybe they were, but Alex’s body had changed the channel to Skinemax, so every touch turned into something more. Kelley’s large hands had been grip
ping his neck, then gently caressing his thigh, then running his fingers through Alex’s hair.

  Alex had no doubt Kelley knew what he was doing, the big mean teasing prick. Finally, he must’ve gone far enough because as soon as the first moan had slipped out of Alex’s throat Kelley’s mouth was on his. Kelley’s hand had pulled him against him, keeping hold as not to let him escape. Like Alex would try.

  Just like all the kisses they shared that one amped up their fever to get close as soon as possible. In between kisses Alex spoke, his voice coming out raspy and rough. “You’re such a fucking tease.”

  Kelley laughed as he replied, “You love it so shut up.”

  Oh, he so did.

  Alex had his hands fisted in the back of Kelley’s shirt trying to pull him closer, holding him as tight as he could. It was awkward with the way they were seated, so Alex moved, straddling Kelley’s legs like he had done to Alex the last time they were there. The feeling of being held tight chest to chest, even with their shirts on, had Alex groaning. His hands no longer able to grab hold of Kelley’s shirt, he burrowed his fingers into his silky hair.

  Kelley’s hands moved to his ass pulling him in, so Alex rocked his cock against Kelley’s. The friction had a shudder running through his body with how good it felt. Letting go of Kelley’s hair, Alex reached down pulling up at the bottom of his shirt so he could get to Kelley’s skin. The feel of his skin under Alex’s fingertips was fucking incredible. He could spend all night just doing that, running his hands over and over learning every bit of that man.

  At the touch of his hands, Kelley started to remove Alex’s clothes as well. Shirts went flying to the deck, they both attacked the other with licks and bites to any place they could reach. Pants and boxers were next, then they were skin to skin with Alex lying on top of Kelley, touching from knee to chest.

  He wanted to touch and be touched, but Alex needed to taste Kelley, to memorize every inch and to bring him pleasure like he was always doing to Alex.