Letting Go

by Morningstar Ashley

  He heard rustling through the line before Alex, with a much less sleepy voice, said, “You want me to meet your best friends?”

  “Why is that a surprise to you? You already know David. Meeting River and Peter…it’s important. They’re always going to be my friends, and you’re my Alex.”

  “Your Alex, huh?” He could hear the laughter in his voice.

  “Yes, my Alex. So, whaddya say? Wanna meet them?”

  “Absolutely. We just need to find the time. Between our work schedules and Evie’s after-school activities, nights are booked. But we’ll find the time. Okay?”

  “Sounds good. I’ll let you go. Sleep well.”

  “You too, Kelley.” Alex’s voice held a note of affection when he spoke those words giving hope that maybe things were turning a corner for them.

  “Goodnight, baby.”

  Alex had been walking around the last couple of days with a sense that the other shoe was going to drop. Things just didn’t go that well for that long in his life without some fuck up or fall out. It was a certainty that he lived with for years now.

  It could also be that he was a cynical asshole, but he’d rather blame fate.

  Again, nearly every free moment they had Kelley and Alex were together. On days they knew nights weren’t possible, they would meet up for lunch and Kelley would sit across from him with that scrunched-up nose because Alex refused to eat all that weird healthy food he liked to eat.

  On nights they had free, they would veg on the couch while Evie watched TV or played her games. She often roped Kelley into whatever quirky thing she wanted to videotape herself doing. Kelley had a ton more patience than Alex could ever hope for.

  But on the nights or afternoons where Evie wasn’t home for a few hours or a whole evening, they would fuck, eat, sleep, and repeat. In the bedroom at Alex’s or every fucking surface Kelley could find at his house. Kelley had definitely made the most of the time they had. And there was no way Alex would complain. He could swear that all he needed to get turned on now was the sound of Kelley’s voice or that damned smirk he used to tell Alex his thoughts were dirty.

  Evie had gone to Ivy’s after school since they had a birthday party to go to for a friend and Mrs. Tran had offered to bring her since she was going anyway. He really needed to buy that woman some flowers or one of those edible flower arrangements.

  The plan was for Alex to go over as soon as he got done with that current stage of the project, of course, the stubborn guy insisted on supplying the food so that they could hang out. And Alex would not ever say no to going to Kelley’s because he had that gorgeous balcony they often ate out on. Sometimes, or he should say most times, that led to other more fun activities.

  But again. Things were going too good. He wanted to keep looking around the next corner with caution so that he could be prepared for whatever would happen.

  He hated tainting his time with Kelley with his crappy outlook on life because spending time wrapped up in that world, in his arms, was the best place he could ever find to be.

  Alex knew when he started that with Kelley his idea was everything in its separate box, knowing he had no time in his life for a boyfriend. But Kelley just fit. He molded into their lives so easily, that even on the days when Alex would sit on the couch with his laptop working away, Kelley would just sit by him quietly working as well.

  Evie had even grown so used to him being there to play with, eat with, and cuddle with. The first time she had asked for Kelley to tuck her in Alex was shocked. She had that one solid routine, and no one helped her with it but Alex, minus the two times he couldn’t. Change was not something that came easy for her, but just like with everything else, Kelley fell right into it like he’d always been there.

  And each time the thought would pass Alex would get these happy butterflies followed by fear of what he would do when it all ended.

  Shaking those thoughts from his head, Alex walked up the path to Kelley’s door and walked inside. Not finding Kelley in any of the rooms on the first floor he checked the deck.

  There lying on one of the loungers they often congregated to was Kelley. Head tipped back letting the rays of sunlight coming through the trees hit his gorgeous face. His eyes were closed, but Alex wasn’t sure if he was sleeping or not.

  He walked over and stood at the end of the lounger and had the sudden urge to crawl up on the seat, curl up next to him and just be. That was what Kelley often gave him. That sense of safety, warmth, and the ability to just be. Ignore the nagging worries and stress of everything and just lie there in those big arms. Safe.

  For the first time in years, Alex listened to that urge and did exactly as it said.

  “Hey, baby,” Kelley said without ever opening his eyes.

  “Hey.”

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah. I…I just want to lie here if that’s okay.”

  “Anytime you want. My arms are yours to use.” Kelley had wrapped him in his arms, squeezing him briefly, and for the next hour, Alex lay in those arms, his hand over Kelley’s clothed chest.

  Between the warmth of the sun and Kelley’s heat, Alex had easily slipped into sleep. He felt the pull, and instead of fighting it he let it take him away.

  It felt as though no sooner that he fell asleep, he was jolted awake. Not sure what had woken him up but his chest felt heavy with an overwhelming sense of sadness, and Alex had the press of tears in his eyes. And just like that he remembered the dream he was having, the one where Kelley was walking away, and no matter how many times or how loud Alex was, it was like he couldn’t hear him.

  “Alex? You awake?”

  He opened his eyes to see Kelley’s beautiful bright green eyes staring down at him. Again, following one of those urges Alex reached his hand up and caressed that face. Knowing one day that dream would come true.

  “Hey. You were having a nightmare. Thrashing about. Almost gave me a bruise.” Kelley winked as he always did when he was trying to lighten the mood.

  “Yeah. Sorry, I’ve been having a few of them recently. Must be all the stress.”

  “You still think it’s just the stress causing these episodes and nightmares?”

  “Kelley. I told you I’m fine. People get stressed, and our bodies react in all different ways. Once I get past this busy period at work, I’ll take a break and decompress.”

  “Alex, you know I care about you. And you know if you need to talk I am here to listen. But you can’t move forward if you don’t talk about the past. You are locking it all up so tight, but it’s leaking out no matter how hard you try to stop it.”

  Alex was so frustrated. Kelley usually didn’t push on things, but that seemed to be one subject that he became unrelenting on.

  Sitting up and putting some distance between them, Alex responded, “No, that’s where you’re wrong, Kelley. Talking about it, the past, the pain, the loss; it does nothing but make it worse. Now please let it go.”

  Calm as ever, Kelley said, “How do you know unless you try? Has bottling it up all this time helped you? Hasn’t Evie been going to counseling just for this very reason?”

  “You don’t know!” Alex yelled, the pain clogging his throat. The panic was building with every word spoken. He needed it to stop. Getting up Alex started to pace the deck. The sun no longer enough to warm him up.

  Nearly whispering that time, he continued, “You don’t know what either of us has been through. You think you know about losing our mom but what Evie actually went through, what she witnessed firsthand. No. No one can know what that pain was like especially for her.”

  Alex could see the pain in Kelley’s eyes. He was aware that he was the cause yet again and that was why Alex always kept people at a distance. He either hurt them with his own pain or they caused him more pain.

  “I’m sorry, baby. You’re right, I don’t, but I’d like to think I can help by listening. Give you that someone to talk to that might help you deal with the pain.”

  Alex wanted to laugh, b
ut it wasn’t funny because Kelley was so wrong. Talking about it never helped. He tried in the beginning. With Ben. He just couldn’t understand the why or even get his thoughts in order to get the words out. And then it made no sense even to bother.

  Not when Evie needed him.

  “Kelley, I know you want to help, but I’ve tried this talking thing before. The past should stay in the past. It’s just better that way. Let it go.”

  He turned away then and paced the deck. He was starting to feel trapped. He knew he should’ve left and gone home as soon as the words came out of Kelley’s mouth.

  Kelley got up from the lounge and moved toward him. Alex put up his hand to stop him from getting too close.

  “I’m not going to touch you, Alex, unless you ask me to but I can’t let this go. Every time we see each other I see this pain that lives inside you. I know talking about it hurts but I think you know it’s what you need to do. How much longer can you keep going with all this weighing you down?”

  Alex was angry now. Really and truly angry.

  How dare Kelley invade his life like that? How dare Kelley think he knew more than Alex knew about how to handle it? It was his life, damn it! And Alex was there for Evie after every nightmare, every panic attack, and every counseling session.

  “You want to know, Kelley? Do you want to know the sound of a child’s scream from absolute terror? You want to know what she looked like after the accident. How broken her poor little body was and her mind. Nothing can prepare you for a child who watched their mother die, no matter their age. They feel it deep inside even when they don’t understand. She was nothing like the girl you know now.”

  Kelley remained silent. The space felt oppressive like they were in a sauna instead of out on Kelley’s balcony.

  “These visions were still burned in Evie’s brain, playing loop after loop of the flames, the smoke, and the blood. And the worst part, the part that used to wake me up at night…” Alex had to stop to take a deep breath. This is too hard. I can’t do it. Just say it! “It was the scream of our mother. She heard it, lived it every night, over and over again. And by extension, I had to hear her cries whenever she relived it.”

  Alex looked over at Kelley with unshed tears in his eyes and every line of his face etched with anguish and pain.

  “Can you imagine what that sound does to someone so young? Hearing the voice that you only ever associated with love and comfort, with lullabies, and I love you’s etched with fear and pain. I can’t. In the beginning, I tried. I tried to put myself there over and over hoping that by doing that maybe, just maybe, I could take some of her pain away. It didn’t work. It made it worse because then I was so lost in that hollow place that sits at my core that I couldn’t be there for her the way she needed. The way I promised to be. I had to lock it up. Put it away so it couldn’t touch either of us again. I had to be strong for her.”

  Alex took another breath feeling the hitch in it. Knowing he was close to breaking down.

  “No one can take her pain away. Or mine. It’s always there suffocating until it’s hard to breathe and you feel like you’re being crushed.”

  Kelley stepped toward him again, hand extended and he knew that he could not handle that touch even if he thought it might help him. It would also hurt because that man had the ability to crack him open. Break every barrier Alex had.

  “I’m so sorry, Alex. I can’t say I know what you are going through. I couldn’t even say that I can imagine that kind of heartache.”

  Alex knew Kelley was trying to be understanding, but no one would ever get the pain that Evie suffered every day. The pain that Alex locked away because it was the only way he could take care of his sweet little sister who needed him. The only way to keep his promise.

  “You know what makes it even worse? The guy? The one that ripped our mother from Evie? He got six years in prison. Six years. I mean she was a mother who worked hard, and Evie has permanent emotional damage and yet, because it was his first offense of drunk driving, he got six years. His punishment is nothing compared to the punishment he’s given Evie.”

  At those words, the tears he never gave permission to fall did exactly that. Kelley opened his arms but stood a few feet away. Letting him know he was there yet again for Alex, not pushing but waiting for him to decide. But Alex knew he’d find the solace in those arms that he needed right now to lock his emotions back behind his walls. But was it worth the risk of everything he held in?

  He walked into Kelley’s arms without another thought, burying his face in the crook of his neck as those amazingly strong arms wrapped him up warding away all the evil in Alex’s life.

  Kelley placed soothing kisses on his forehead down to his cheeks over and over until he could feel his body start to relax. Losing piece by piece of the tension that had radiated through his body. He knew Kelley had that effect on him, but still, every time it happened he was in awe, no one else had ever had that influence on his body let alone his mind.

  He was his own person, he controlled his emotions, he controlled what his body did. But now it seems that man, who Alex hadn’t even wanted to want, had the same impact.

  Alex never thought he would feel that type of connection to another person again. Not after Ryan and the pain and feeling of loss that replaced all the love Alex once had for the man.

  But he did.

  Alex felt it in his gut, his head, and his…heart. The last place he wanted to feel anything for any man. Kelley had become part of his and Evie’s life, for better or worse, but the worst part was the unknown part that settled in his mind.

  How much of himself could he give to Kelley?

  Kelley could see Alex was done. He stopped pacing after he had taken him into his arms. The tension just fell away as he wrapped him up in hopes that he could help take some of that pain away. They were both in the house, and Alex was now just sitting in the corner of the couch curled up staring out at the dark sky.

  Pushing Alex was a risk. Alex couldn’t keep going as he was, on empty. Every time Kelley looked into his eyes, he saw pain and sadness that dwelled just under the surface. Alex thought he locked that away, and sometimes Kelley was sure that he succeeded. His emotions were fraying his control and eroding Alex’s mind. One day there would be nothing left of the vibrant and vivacious man he held in his arms.

  Kelley thought sometimes he saw more in those eyes on occasion when Alex looked at him, but that was probably just his high hopes.

  Listening to Alex talk about that had not at all been easy. His heart constricted painfully when he’d spoken about the things sweet little Evie lived through. And Alex was right; he couldn’t possibly grasp what that was like.

  Kelley sat next to Alex on the couch pulling him into his arms. Alex turned, shifting to put his head on Kelley’s chest. Although Alex lay there cuddled to him, he felt as stiff as a board. All the tightness that had fallen away from the hug had come back with a vengeance it seemed.

  Kelley knew that the conversation had most likely put Alex into a headspace that he was trying to work himself out of.

  Kelley needed to do something.

  As much as Kelley loved the feeling of his guy tight against his body the tension that was running through him was putting Kelley on edge. He felt unsettled with the need to comfort Alex.

  “Hey, you okay?” Kelley lifted Alex’s chin with his finger. Once those eyes locked on him, Kelley could see the fight Alex was putting himself through. His gaze muted like he was lost in another world. A world where Alex was building up the walls that Kelley had been trying to knock down.

  Right before his eyes, Alex’s face went from grim and down to clear and bright. Too bright.

  Before Kelley could do or say anything Alex straightened up and smashed his lips to his with a kiss so fierce it was all teeth clinking, tongues tangling, lips bruising. A moan slipped unbidden from Kelley’s throat.

  Kelley was struggling for air as he was struggling with what to do. Let that continue with Alex
in so much pain for a moment of pleasure or stop it, so Alex didn’t have anything to regret tomorrow when he was no longer clouded by his grief.

  His conscience had won out, he pulled back from the kiss. Alex, eyes still closed, tried to chase his lips but Kelley pushed a hand to his chest to hold him off. “Baby, talk to me,” Kelley pleaded in a low voice.

  “No, no more talking. Please, Kelley.” His eyes now open, locked on Kelley’s. His voice sounding needy.

  “I don’t think this is what you need, Alex. Maybe we should just go upstairs and go to sleep.”

  “No. Please. I just want the hurt to stop,” Alex whispered. “I just want to forget. You make me forget. You make me feel safe.” Turning his pleading eyes onto Kelley.

  “Are you sure?” he asked, wanting nothing more than to give him the comfort he was asking for but needing to make sure that it was truly what he wanted.

  “Yes,” Alex whispered.

  That time, when their lips came together, Kelley controlled it. Slowing them down, licking at Alex’s lips slowly from corner to corner until he heard a whimper leave his lips. Not giving in to the need to possess Alex’s mouth just yet, he bit at his lips slowly making him go crazy.

  Alex’s right hand was holding fiercely to Kelley’s shoulder, fingers digging into his shirt. Kelley’s hand was cupping Alex’s cheek, gentle but firm so he knew who was the one in control. They made out slowly tightly pressed together.

  Alex was writhing and groaning, their tongues clashing together. He was clearly trying to send the message of more, more, more. So, Kelley gave him more.

  Pushing him back on the couch Kelley straddled Alex’s body, using his weight to hold the squirmy man in place. Kelley put his hands on Alex’s abs, his spread fingers at his sides.

  Alex lifted enough to give room for Kelley to pull the shirt off, dropping it to the floor. Attacking his nipples and chest with teeth and tongue making Alex whimper and moan. Fuck! Hearing those sounds just turned him inside out. Turning the heat up to lava level.