Winter’s Awakening

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  She looked Josh’s way again, but felt the lump in her throat build when he still seemed shell-shocked. Recalling how he’d spilled his secrets to her about Gretta, Lilly knew he was feeling like she’d been less than truthful with him.

  Tentatively, she said, “Josh, I really am sorry I didn’t tell you the other day. But being pregnant is a really hard thing to talk about. Especially to you.”

  “Why me?”

  “You’re the first friend I’ve made here, and I didn’t want to ruin things. I knew you’d be shocked. I was afraid you’d hate me, and then I’d be all alone again.”

  “I am surprised, that is true,” he said slowly. “But I could never hate you, Lilly. I could never do that.”

  “I’m glad you don’t hate me.” Relief and her old friend, guilt, washed over her. When were things going to settle down?

  When you start being honest with yourself and other people.

  Hearing that voice guiding her—advising her—made Lilly lift her chin. Yes, she’d been slow to accept the Lord’s will, but now that she was embracing the truth, she did feel a little bit better.

  After studying her carefully, Mrs. Graber patted her on the shoulder. “Well, now we have no secrets, do we? You’ll have to come over more often so we can hear how the baby’s doing. Please say you will.”

  “I’d like that, but I assumed you didn’t want me and Josh to be friends.”

  Looking from Lilly to Josh, Elsa Graber nodded. “It is true that I’ve been worried about my eldest. I didn’t like to think of his eyes straying. I wanted to hold him tight to our ways, thinking if I put up boundaries then he would never be tempted to cross them. But that was a mistake, ain’t so, Joshua?”

  Slowly, he nodded. “I’m old enough to know my mind, and to know my needs. Telling me to not do something that I know is right isn’t going to stop me from doing it.”

  Judith smiled. “Well said, Joshua.”

  Mrs. Graber continued. “Maybe I, too, have been needin’ some learning. Your being here has reminded me about the importance of relationships and friendship, too, Lilly. Nothing’s so bad when you have friends to support you. I’ve been so anxious that I might lose Joshua, that he was gonna stray from everything I believe in that I gave no room for other ideas.” She sighed. “To my shame, I even let my worries stray to your family, Lilly Allen. I didn’t want to get to know your kin. I didn’t want to make friends with your mamm, even though she’s invited me over for coffee. I do feel bad about that.”

  “Please don’t,” Lilly said. “I know my parents have been worried about things between Josh and me, too. They don’t trust my judgment anymore. They thought I would never look to a boy simply in friendship.”

  “And that’s all Lilly and me have been, Mamm,” Josh said softly. “Just friends. I didn’t want to stray from our way of life. I still do not.”

  “I think I am understanding that now. Now that we’re all getting to know one another, I see my mistakes. And I have noticed that there, indeed, is something between the two of you that is strong and solid. But now I see that the something is friendship, yes?”

  “Yes,” said Lilly. “I’m really thankful for Josh’s friendship.”

  “I think he appreciates you. I’m sorry to say I let my fears close to my heart. I had a mother’s worry that your friendship was going to change things. That he would jump the fence and I’d lose him. But I think differently now. I think you need us, Lilly Allen. And once more, I think maybe we need you.”

  She was shocked. “You might need me?”

  “Oh, yes. I need you to remind me about how strong a mother’s love is. How it’s okay to make mistakes.” With a lovely smile she added, “And I do so love babies.”

  “Now that I’ve told you all, I wish I’d told my parents the truth, too.”

  “You should tell them today, yes?”

  Lilly stared at Mrs. Graber, touched by the acceptance in the woman’s eyes. Oh, if only things with her parents were that easy. “I should tell them, but I’m afraid.”

  “You should just sit them down and tell them what you’re feeling in your heart. They’ll understand.”

  “It’s just not that simple. I don’t know how to tell them everything I’ve been thinking,” Lilly admitted. “Through all of this, my parents really have been trying to make things better for me. They think by contacting the adoption agency, moving away from our old neighborhood, and keeping everything a secret, they’ve helped me.”

  “But it’s hard to help when you don’t listen, yes?” murmured Mrs. Graber.

  “Exactly. Every time I try to talk about my future they start talking about their dreams for me. I hear their words and then feel terrible. Because their dreams are great. I hate to disappoint them.”

  “Now you will have dreams for your own child,” Judith interjected. “You will be a mother with hopes and dreams, too.”

  “That’s true.” A sense of wonder filled her as she contemplated the miracle that had been happening inside of her, but she’d been too blind to see. “Those thoughts will be so nice. But maybe they won’t all come true either.”

  Mrs. Graber chuckled. “I can promise you that they won’t all come true, Lilly. Kinner have a way of growing up and speaking their minds.”

  “I’m going to do it. I’m going to tell my parents the truth. Tonight.”

  Nodding in approval, Mrs. Graber said, “Getting things out in the open is the best. Even if at first things are hard.”

  “Oh, this will be hard. I’m sure of it.” Standing up again, she scooted out her chair and picked up her coat. “Well, wish me luck. I’m off to go tell my parents the truth before I lose my nerve.”

  “Good luck, Lilly,” Josh said as he stood up and walked her to the door.

  “Yes, good luck,” Mrs. Graber said with a smile. “But I have a feeling you won’t be needin’ any of our good wishes at all. The truth is the best thing. With the truth, everything will work out like it’s supposed to.”

  “I hope you’re right,” Lilly said before she slipped on her coat. “I certainly hope you’re right about this.”

  When Lilly got home, Charlie was still out, but her parents were sitting in the living room. Her father was on the couch with a paper spread across his lap and her mom was sitting at the bench of their upright piano. Both turned her way when she entered the room.

  “Where have you been?” her mom asked.

  “Over at the neighbors’ house.”

  “The Grabers? What for?”

  “I was waiting for Josh. We talked for a while, then he invited me over and we drank hot chocolate.”

  Her parents exchanged glances.

  “I see,” her dad said. “Lilly, I thought you understood our worries about you and that Amish boy. We really don’t want you getting too close to him.”

  Since their words of caution were so much like Mrs. Graber’s, Lilly smiled. “It’s too late for that warning. We’re already close. Really close.”

  Her mother closed the cover of the piano keys and walked to the couch. “Oh, for heaven’s sakes.”

  Her father picked up the thread. “Lilly, don’t you see? You’re in no condition to start a new relationship. And even if you were, I think it’s a mistake, timing wise. You’ll be in college before you know it.”

  There was that word again. Condition. Her irritation at the euphemism gave her all the courage she needed to finally say what was on her mind. “This condition is called pregnancy. I’m pregnant, Dad. And, well, I’ve decided that I’m not going to go to college anytime soon.”

  “You’ll feel differently after you deliver,” her mom said. “Once you pick a family for the adoption and have the baby, you’ll be thinking about all kinds of new challenges.”

  “Next year I’ll…I’ll be raising the baby myself,” she stated, flushing because she heard herself stutter. Straightening up a bit, she tried to instill some control over herself. “I—I mean I’ve decided not to give it up.”

&nb
sp; With a heavy sigh, her dad rubbed his head like she was giving him a headache. “Lilly, we’ve been through this before.”

  “No, we haven’t. You’ve told me what to do and think and I agreed with you because I didn’t want to make you mad. But…I can’t do it. I tried to see things your way, but I can’t. And once more, I don’t think I should have to. I’m keeping the baby.”

  “Did all this thinking come from Josh? Did he tell you that giving your baby to a deserving home was a sin or something?”

  “He didn’t tell me anything! He and his mom listened when I told them and said they were glad I’d made my decision and was at peace with it.”

  “You’ve already told the Graber family? You told them before you told us?” The injured look in her mother’s eyes matched her tone.

  “It just came out. I’ve been meaning to tell you what I decided, but I was too nervous. I knew we’d start arguing.”

  “Stating our opinions isn’t arguing.”

  “I don’t think we need to talk much about it, anyway. I’ve made my choice and I’m sticking to it.”

  Her mother’s lips pursed. “Well, we’ll see how you feel when Ms. Vonn stops by on Friday.”

  “Actually, she’s not coming. I called her a few days ago and told her that I was keeping the baby.”

  Her mother threw up her hands. “Who else knows this big, monumental decision? The folks at the corner market? All your old friends?”

  “Only you and the Grabers and Alec.”

  “You’ve already called Alec?” her dad blurted, his voice raising. “What did he say?”

  “He pretty much said he didn’t care. I don’t think he will either. I mean, as long as he doesn’t have to pay for the baby.”

  After a moment’s silence, her parents exchanged long glances. “Somehow that doesn’t surprise me,” her dad said.

  Lilly hovered next to the chair across from them. In her dreams, they held out their hands and offered her hugs. In her dreams, they told her that they loved her no matter what. That they understood.

  But obviously, those dreams were as much a fantasy as fairy tales.

  Both looked mad as could be, and hurt, too. “I’m sorry,” she murmured. “I’m sorry I told other people before you. I’m sorry you’re disappointed in my decisions.”

  A bitter laugh escaped her mom. “You’re sorry. I can’t even talk about this with you right now. You might as well just go to your room or go back over to Josh’s house, or do whatever you want since that’s what you’re doing, anyway.”

  “You don’t want me here?” Lilly felt her bottom lip tremble. She knew they’d argue. She knew her parents would be upset. But she’d never imagined that they wouldn’t even want to see her.

  “We want you. But I’m in no hurry to talk to you right now.” Glaring at Lilly, her mother said, “You know what that’s like, don’t you?”

  Lilly turned away. Behind her, she heard only the strained silence of her parents. Their disapproval seemed to burn into her back.

  And that made her angry. Turning around again, she said, “You know, all these decisions were never about you. It was never about Josh or the Grabers or even about all our friends in Cleveland. It’s been about me and what I can live with.”

  Glaring at them both, she continued. “Whether you two want to believe it or not, in thirteen years, I’m going to have a teenager of my own. I’m going to have to help him or her with all kinds of things. But at least I’ll be able to look at my child in the eye and say that I know all about hard decisions and following your heart. Because if I only know one thing—it’s that there’s no way I’m ever going to be able to look at some kid in the eye and say that I just didn’t want to give up my college dreams for him.” Glaring at them both, she whispered, “I’m never going to be able to do that.”

  When she turned back around and started up the stairs to her room, Lilly finally let the tears fall.

  Elsa Graber had been right. The truth was all that really mattered. She was hurting and mad and disappointed. But the heavy weight that had plagued her for the last three months was gone.

  The truth had set her free.

  Chapter 17

  The restaurant was full and there was a waiting list for tables when Lilly arrived for work the next day.

  “I hope you’ve got your track shoes on,” Mrs. Kent teased as she gave Lilly directions. “A bus load of tourists is here for lunch and we need them seated, served, and sent on their way as quickly as possible.”

  “I’ll do my best,” Lilly promised, thankful for the full dining room. She needed as much work as possible so she wouldn’t think about the previous evening.

  After leaving her fuming parents, she’d gotten ready for bed. Then she’d succumbed to a crying jag, which left her body exhausted but her mind full of worries. She’d woken up early, feeling tired and achy.

  Now, though, she felt like an Energizer bunny, eager to get as many tasks accomplished as possible. She liked being at work; it was a welcome break from all the drama in her life.

  As the tourists ordered chicken soup, looked at maps, and commented on how cute and quaint Sugarcreek was, Lilly took their orders, served them piping hot bowls of soup and plates of pies, then handed them their checks the moment they were finished.

  Back and forth she went, fetching coffee, iced tea, hot rolls, and treats. Each time she passed the kitchen, she saw Gretta and Miriam hard at work on pecan pies and batches of peanut butter cookies.

  By three o’clock, the tourists were on their way and the regulars had come and gone. Feeling worn out again, Lilly stopped at each empty table to refill sugar containers and wipe down chairs. Wonderful smells emitted from the kitchen made her stomach growl.

  And no wonder, Lilly realized with a bit of a surprise. She hadn’t eaten a thing since a quick bowl of cereal at eight that morning.

  Poking her head into Mrs. Kent’s office, she said, “I’m going to take my break now.”

  “Take an extra ten minutes if you want them, Lilly. You deserve some time off your feet.”

  “Thanks.” She was just about to go search for a snack in the kitchen when Gretta met her at the door with a hearty slice of blueberry pie and a steaming mug of coffee.

  “I thought I’d save you some trouble,” she said with a tentative smile. “You like berry pies, don’tcha?”

  “I love them. Hey, want to join me?”

  “You know what? I just might.”

  When Gretta returned with a piping hot cinnamon roll and sat down across from her, Lilly said, “Can you believe how busy it was?”

  “Oh, I can! The tourists are wonderful-gut, but they cause quite a stir. They used to bother Donna so much. She found them to be too noisy and rude.”

  “I don’t mind those folks at all.” With a shrug, Lilly added, “They’re easy for me to serve. Maybe because I’m pretty much a tourist myself.”

  “You’ll get used to things soon enough, I imagine,” Gretta said. “After all, you’ve made some friends among the Amish.”

  Lilly knew what Gretta was talking about. Obviously she was worried about her relationship with Josh.

  “Listen, I promise, I don’t feel anything but friendship for Josh. And even if I did, the last thing in the world I want to have is a boyfriend.”

  Gretta still looked skeptical. “And why is that?”

  Lilly figured she might as well get it out in the open. “Because I’m pregnant.”

  “Oh my.” Eyes wide, Gretta murmured, “But…who? I mean, where is the baby’s father?”

  “His name is Alec, and well, I’m not with him anymore. I thought we were in love, but I guess we weren’t.”

  “So now?”

  “Now I’m going to be on my own.” Wincing, Lilly said, “And my parents aren’t happy about that. Actually, they’re really mad at me. Last night they sent me up to my room, like I was ten years old or something.”

  “Your eyes are red.”

  “I guess they are. I, c
r…cried myself to sleep.” As she heard her voice crack again, Lilly shook her head in frustration. “You know what? Maybe they were right to send me off to bed. I’m acting like a child, huh?”

  Instead of looking at her like she was a scarlet woman, Gretta scurried around the table and hugged her. “No, Lilly. You’re acting just fine, I think. Just fine.”

  Tears came to Lilly’s eyes when she felt the other girl’s reassuring hug. So far, Gretta was the one person who hadn’t peppered her with questions or offered her opinion about what she should do.

  After a moment’s pause, Lilly hugged her, too. “Thanks for that,” she murmured. “Thanks for not saying a thing.”

  “I haven’t been in your situation, but I do know all about arguing parents,” Gretta said. “They can be terribly hard. My parents aren’t too happy with me at the moment either.”

  “Why? You’re perfect.”

  “Oh, surely I’m not that! I don’t need to be perfect neither. But I have been in a hard way. See, I’ve been wanting a future for myself. A good future, and I’m not sure what the right choice is.”

  “I thought you liked Joshua.”

  “I do. Well, I did. But now there’s Roland, too.”

  “The other day Miriam said he was nice.”

  Gretta chuckled. “Yes, ‘nice’ is really the only way to describe Roland. He’s a safe person for me, you see. Roland never makes me feel too much.”

  Lilly understood where she was going. “And if you don’t feel too much, you won’t get hurt.”

  Blue eyes widened. “You understand!”

  “I do. But since we’re sharing so much, I’ll tell you another secret. When you protect yourself from everything, you don’t get hurt, but you don’t get anything else either. No reassurance, no help. No advice. You’re just alone.”

  Gretta looked at her in surprise. “Is that how you’ve been feeling?”

  “Yes. See, we moved to Sugarcreek because my parents wanted to keep the pregnancy a secret. I was going to have the baby, give it up for adoption, then go to college. I messed everything up when I changed my mind.”