Winter’s Awakening

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  “Now everyone knows?”

  “They’re starting to. I seem to be telling everyone I know these days.”

  “I bet you feel better now.”

  Lilly looked at her in some shock. “You know what, I think pretty soon I just might. I think when I’m done crying and feeling sorry for myself I might start to realize that what matters is that I can look in the mirror now. I’m happy with my choice. I feel freer.”

  “I’ll feel better when I know what to do about Joshua. Sometimes we argue.”

  “That’s perfectly normal. All couples argue at least a little bit.”

  “Well, I don’t want to be like that. See, my parents, they haven’t gotten along too well in years.”

  “I don’t know Josh like you do. But I have gotten the impression that he’s the kind of person who says what he means. He seems to share his feelings with care, but I don’t think he’s the cold, silent type. Maybe your arguments with him won’t be too bad.”

  Gretta’s eyes widened. “I never thought about his silences as anything but a bad thing. Lately, I’ve been mistaking Roland’s ways as better. But it might be far better to know what Joshua is thinking instead of imagining that Roland is never upset.”

  “That would be easier for me to take,” said Lilly. “Plus Josh is so cute.”

  Gretta’s lips twitched. “Lilly Allen! You said you didn’t think of him that way.”

  “I don’t want him as a boyfriend, but I’m not blind. He really is handsome.”

  “I have always admired his looks,” Gretta mused.

  “Guess what? I have a feeling that Joshua Graber has always liked your looks, too. And your heart and loving nature. In fact, I think he likes a lot of things about you. He’s said he admires your steadiness, Gretta.”

  “I hope so.”

  “Listen, your hug made my day. If I was Joshua, I’d want to grab hold of a person who could make me feel good and never let her go.”

  Gretta stared at her new friend. Such fervent words were mildly shocking, but they made her happy, too. Recalling Judith Graber’s words, about heat and passion, Gretta supposed she’d feel sad if that was never a part of her life. If she’d given it all up for safety’s sake.

  At four o’clock, Josh dropped by. Gretta was making a batch of sour cream cookies when the front door opened with a little jingle. Like a deer in the glade, she stared at him, frozen.

  “What do I do?” she murmured to Lilly who was making a new pot of coffee.

  “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of this,” Lilly volunteered. And before Gretta could say another word about it, Lilly had walked around the counter with the day’s pies on a neatly written list. “Hi, Josh.”

  “Hi.” Cheeks flushed, Joshua was all tense. “I’m here to see Gretta.”

  Gretta gasped. Oh, but Joshua looked so determined!

  Beside her, Miriam giggled.

  Out in the dining room, Lilly acted cool as a cucumber. “Why don’t you go have a seat? I’ll go check to see if she’s available.”

  Joshua looked extremely ill at ease when he placed his elbows on the table.

  “Do you want to see Josh?” Lilly asked when she entered the kitchen again. “If you don’t, I’ll go tell him you’re too busy.”

  “I’m not too busy.” In spite of her doubts, Gretta was eager to see him, too. She dusted her hands on her apron and walked out to the dining room. She smiled a greeting before pulling out a chair. “Hello, Joshua. It’s nice to see you.”

  “I’m glad you think that. Lately, I haven’t known whether to approach you or not.”

  “I’ve just been busy,” she lied.

  “But you have some time now for me?”

  If she’d learned anything over the past few weeks, it was to not be too eager. “I’ve got a little bit,” she said offhandedly.

  He cleared his throat. “So, how’s the kitchen today?”

  “The same as yesterday, busy. I made some sweet bread and berry pies, too. And you? Has the store been crowded?”

  “Some.”

  “And your family? How are they?”

  “They’re fine.” He sighed. “Gretta, I keep hoping things will get better between us, but I don’t know how to do that.”

  “It takes two of us, yes?”

  They stared at each other for a moment longer. Gretta found herself admiring his eyes, not because of their depth of color but because of the new faint lines that had formed around them. They’d given him some character, and showed that he wasn’t perfect, not like she used to think he was, anyway.

  “Yes,” he said softly. “It does take two of us. And I’m willing to try, if you are.”

  This was her time. This was her choice. Help me, Lord, she prayed silently. Help me know what is right.

  As if someone was directing her mouth, she heard herself saying the right words. The words coming from her heart. “I think I am,” she murmured.

  “That’s wonderful, yes?”

  “Yes,” she said hesitantly. “Just don’t push too hard, Joshua.”

  Pleasure flashed in his eyes before he hid it again. “Have…have I told you about what Maggie said when she was helping Daed with the horses?”

  “I can only imagine.”

  “She said that poor old Jim was a right lucky horse, since he was getting new shoes and all.”

  Oh, but she did love his sweet little sister! She could imagine the scene with Maggie and Mr. Graber so clearly—just as if she’d been there, too. “That Maggie always makes me smile,” she said fondly. “Tell me another story about her. What else has she been doing?”

  Joshua grinned. “Everything you can imagine. She’s been following Carrie around and fussing with her things.” He paused. “I don’t have another story about Maggie, but I do have news about Toby. He’s finally talking and has been repeating everything Caleb says. It’s driving Caleb crazy, of course.”

  Leaning back, Gretta chuckled. She was so happy to be talking about usual things. So happy to have things almost back to normal.

  Chapter 18

  “Lilly, finally, you’re home!” her mother said the moment Lilly opened the kitchen door after work.

  “Is something wrong?” Automatically, she started looking for Ty. Her mom had the kind of panicked look that only came when someone was seriously hurt. Had her little brother gotten into some kind of accident?

  “No, nothing’s wrong. It’s just that your father and I have been waiting to speak with you.” After taking a deep breath, she added, “Come into the living room and speak to us before you go change.”

  As worry fled, a new emotion surrounded her. Aggravation. They’d been planning her life again.

  After serving food all afternoon, all Lilly wanted to do was take a shower and relax. She definitely did not want to have a serious discussion about her future. Her decision had been made, and if her parents weren’t happy about it, they were going to have to learn to accept it. On leaden feet, she entered the living room. “Is there any way we can do this tomorrow? I’m really tired.”

  “What we have to tell you won’t take long,” her father said. “Please sit down for a few minutes.”

  When she hesitated, still in no hurry to subject herself to another interrogation, they looked at each other in a pained way. Like their world was about to end. Obviously, something more was on their minds than her recent decision.

  Now curious, she sank into a chair. “What do you need to tell me?”

  Her mother looked at her father for a long moment. After he nodded, she spoke. “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll be blunt. Lilly, I got pregnant out of wedlock, too.”

  “What?”

  “I got pregnant with Charlie before your dad and I were married. It…it was unplanned.”

  With some shock she remembered their last anniversary. “No, wait a minute. That doesn’t make sense at all. You just celebrated your twentieth anniversary and Charlie’s just nineteen.”

  With a shrug, her mom
said, “We lied.”

  “You’ve been lying to us? All this time?” Lilly felt dizzy. How much grief would have been saved if her parents had unbent enough to share this news with her! All this guilt, and they’d gone through the same thing! They’d acted like they were so perfect, that she was the biggest fool in the world.

  It was unbelievable.

  “We got married pretty quickly.” With another look at her husband, regret floated across her mother’s face. “Actually, we were forced to get married extremely quickly. My family was very angry.”

  “I don’t think they’ve ever forgiven me for ruining your mom’s future,” her dad added with a grimace. “Even after all these years.”

  Lilly tried to recall the last time her grandparents had spent any time at their house. She couldn’t. Putting it all together she said, “Is that why they never come over for holidays? Because they’re still upset with you?”

  “I don’t know if that’s the reason…or if it’s because we proved them wrong.”

  “Wrong, how?”

  “We’ve been happy,” her mom said. “See, Lilly, being a stay-at-home mom was never what my parents had planned for me. They had pretty high expectations.”

  “Like what?”

  “Your mother was a literary scholar,” her dad interjected. “She could have been a college professor. Could have gotten her PhD. Colleges everywhere were recruiting her to study with them.”

  “But instead you got married and had Charlie.”

  “Yes. I’ve never regretted my decision either. Nowadays, women try to do it all. But back then, it wasn’t the case. Girls had to choose.”

  “And you chose motherhood.”

  “I did. But I have to admit that I didn’t always have an easy time of it. There were moments when Charlie was a baby and your dad was in night school, and I was so tired—so tired I didn’t think I could stand up straight—that I would have wished to go back in time.”

  “Why didn’t you ever tell us?”

  “I didn’t want you to make the same decisions I did.”

  Her dad continued. “And we never wanted Charlie to ever feel like he was at fault for the choices we made.”

  “And it’s not something I was proud of,” her mom added, a faint blush staining her cheeks. “Anyway, we just thought you should see our side of things. Why we’ve been really wanting you to give up the baby for adoption.”

  Their side of things. Lilly’s mind was running in circles. When she thought of all the tears she’d cried, always because she’d thought she’d shocked her parents, and had disappointed them so much, well, she could hardly think straight now.

  Slowly she said, “When you realized that your parents didn’t want to forgive you, how did that make you feel?”

  With a puzzled frown, her mother replied. “Angry, of course. Sad. And alone. I was an only child, you know.”

  “I bet you felt like a failure, too.”

  Reaching out, her mother gripped her hand and nodded.

  “Because that’s how I’ve been feeling. I made a really dumb decision, Mom. I knew I didn’t love Alec, but I thought I could. And one night, everything just…happened.”

  Her father’s lips pursed. Lilly knew she was hurting him. She knew he didn’t want to hear the things she was saying. But now she knew that the truth was better than lie after lie. “I didn’t want to get pregnant. And I sure don’t want to marry Alec.”

  “On that, we can agree.”

  “But Mom, Dad, I can’t give up this baby. I know I should. I know I should want to do all kinds of wonderful things with my life without a baby by my side…but I can’t. That’s why I called Alec and Ms. Vonn the other day and told them the news.”

  “Don’t you think you could have involved us in the decision?” her father asked. “You really hurt us when you shut us out.”

  She knew she had. And she was sorry about it. But she also was a realist. “Actually, I don’t think I could have talked to you about it at all. Besides knowing that you would have tried to talk me out of it—I knew it was a decision I needed to make for myself.”

  “I suppose you did,” his mother said after an awkward moment.

  “I did.” Though they’d probably never believe it, hearing about their struggles had made her feel even stronger. And had made her feel even more comfortable with her decision.

  Her parents traded uneasy glances with each other. “We didn’t tell you this so you would throw your life away.”

  “Did getting married and having Charlie mean you threw your life away?”

  “Of course not. But things are different now.”

  “Are they?” Lilly doubted it. Now, more than ever, she felt as if they weren’t treating her as an adult—just a child who had done a stupid thing.

  “Very much so. You’re not a failure, Lilly. And I promise that you’re not alone.” Her mother flushed. “Despite what we said last night, we do want to help you.”

  “Do you? Lately, it sure hasn’t felt that way. Now that I know about Charlie, I’m even more surprised by the things you’ve been saying. Especially since you know about the things I’ve been going through.”

  “We do know. But we also know that deciding to keep your baby won’t be easy,” her mother warned. “You’ll lose some of your friends from high school.”

  “I’ll lose the friends who weren’t true friends. And if I do, that’s okay, anyway. I’m making new friends here.”

  Her dad’s eyes narrowed. “Friends like Joshua Graber?”

  “Yes,” she replied, daring them to find fault. “Like Josh.”

  “He’s never going to accept a woman who had a baby out of wedlock. Not for marriage.”

  “I don’t want to marry him, Dad. I just want him as my friend.”

  “You think you two can just be friends?”

  “I know we can. Because we already are.”

  For a moment, the three of them stared in silence, then her father got to his feet. Lilly stood up, too, and within seconds he reached for her. As soon as she stepped closer, he pulled her into the warmest, most comforting of hugs. Reminding Lilly that he still cared. “I love you, Lilly,” he murmured.

  “You won’t be disappointed in me any longer?”

  “No. I was never disappointed in you, just worried. But no matter what I will always love you.”

  “And the baby, too?”

  To her surprise, his hug tightened as he pressed his lips to the top of her head. “Yes, sweetheart. Yes, Lillian Rose. We will always love you…and the baby, too.”

  The words were such a relief, she started crying. Not sweet, little girl tears, big sobs erupted from her chest.

  “It’s okay,” he murmured, gently patting her back. “It will be okay. I promise.”

  Lilly closed her eyes and sighed. Finally she felt clean. Of mind and spirit.

  And though a baby all her own was growing inside of her, once again she felt part of her family. Part of the family that until very recently, she’d always taken for granted.

  Margaret was sitting on Beth’s bed again, being a pest. “Why do you always come in here?” Gretta asked. “You’ve got a room of your own, you know.”

  “It’s lonely in there.”

  “And it’s better in here?” Gretta knew she sounded sharp, but she was so tired and anxious to be alone. After her busy day at the restaurant, she’d come home to a dozen chores. Each one had felt eternal because of her mother’s constant nagging.

  “Yes.” Lowering her voice, Margaret added, “Besides, you can’t hear Mamm and Daed talk in here.”

  A thin line of dread flew up her spine. She’d had no idea Margaret was bothered by their parents’ constant arguments as well. Taking a seat beside her sister, she brushed a long strand of hair off her brow. “What do you mean?”

  “My bedroom is right over the sitting room. When Mamm and Daed argue, I hear their words through the vents.” Looking pained, she whispered, “It’s hard.”

  “I wo
uld imagine it is.” Shocked, Gretta turned to her. “Margaret, I didn’t realize you’ve heard them arguing.”

  “How could I not?” Wrinkling her nose, she added, “I don’t think they know I can hear them through the air vents, but I don’t know if they’d stop even if they knew I could. Some days nothing seems to matter, you know?”

  “I know.” Living with their parents was difficult. Some days, Gretta was tempted to count the months until she could leave their home’s frosty confines. But to her shame, she’d never considered that her sister was thinking the same thing. For some reason, Margaret’s usual happy mood had lulled Gretta into thinking that she was unaware of the constant tension between their parents. “I’m sorry I was so cross. You may come in any time you want. Are they arguing right now?” Gretta couldn’t remember if the dinner’s conversation had been especially strained.

  “Oh, no. I just was feeling lonely. Thinking about when you go get married and I’ll be here all by myself.”

  Dismayed, Gretta felt her cheeks heat with embarrassment. Lately, she’d been only thinking of herself and her problems. “Wherever I am, you can come visit. Always.”

  “I’m grateful for that, but it won’t be the same.”

  “No, I don’t imagine it will,” Gretta agreed, curving an arm around her sister. “I’m sorry that one day I’ll be leaving you. But I promise I will try and have you over as much as possible.”

  As Margaret cuddled closer, she pushed aside her long brown hair, hair almost the exact shade as Gretta’s. “So, who are you going to marry? Is it Roland now?”

  “No one’s asked me to marry, Margaret.”

  “I bet they would if you made a choice. We all thought you were going to want Joshua. Not just Mamm and Daed and me. Everyone I knew thought you were right for each other.”

  “I thought so, too.”

  “But now you like Roland?”

  Her answer was instantaneous. “No.” Gretta felt her pulse jump as she heard herself. “I mean, I like Roland verra much, but I don’t think he’s the one for me.”