Here Without You

by Jennifer L. Allen

  Things moved so quickly between us, they always had. Returning my attention to my phone, I typed out a response.

  Me: I don’t really know what to do here, Ryan. I need some time. Please give me that.

  His response was almost instant.

  Ryan: I’ll give you time, just don’t give up on me. Please.

  I didn’t respond. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t give him any false hope or empty promises. I also didn’t want to hurt him and I knew rushed responses often led to saying things you didn’t mean. I couldn’t think of a single response that wouldn’t do one of the above, so I said nothing.

  ***

  “It sounds like you feel he let you down,” Dr. Matson said, her face reflecting understanding. I’d just finished telling her all about my run-in on campus with Ryan.

  “He did let me down. He has a daughter! A daughter. That’s a huge piece of his life he should have shared, don’t you think? I mean, we talked about everything…shared everything…and he left that part out.”

  “How do you feel about him having a daughter?”

  Running a hand through my hair, I thought about her question. How did I feel?

  “I’m not upset about Charlotte, and I’m not jealous that he was with someone else. We were separated for years. It wasn’t like I’d hoped he spent all that time pining over me. Neither of us could have ever imagined we’d reconnect.”

  Dr. Matson nodded as I spoke. “You’re just upset he wasn’t forthcoming.”

  “Yeah…when I thought about our future, I didn’t imagine having to take a kid into consideration. I’m not even talking about long-term stuff here. Ryan being a dad will affect us going on dates, spending the night together…there’s a whole other person to factor into all sorts of decisions—big and small.”

  “So Ryan having a daughter has put a kink in your plans?”

  “It sounds so selfish when you put it that way, but yes. I don’t have any negative feelings towards her. She seemed like a sweetheart when I met her at the airport. I’m sure she’s a good kid, and she’s part of Ryan so I have no doubt I could love her, but I’m just not sure I’m in a place in my life where it would be wise to bring a child into the picture.”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  I studied my keyboard as I answered. “I’m crazy, right? Who wants their kid around a crazy person?”

  “Anna, you’re not crazy. You’re far from it. You experienced a trauma, you had an emotional reaction to that trauma, and you’re working on getting past it. That doesn’t sound like a crazy person to me—which, by the way, is not an appropriate psychological term—it sounds like a strong person, a person who knows what she wants and is working to achieve it.”

  “I am trying to achieve it,” I said quietly, still looking at the QWERTY line of the keyboard.

  “You still can—you are. Anna, haven’t you noticed all the positive changes you’ve made in your life? You are very different from the girl who returned home last December. You’ve achieved the goals you set for yourself. You’re in college now and you’re thriving outside of your comfort zone. You’re doing well in your classes…what about that makes you think you’re crazy?”

  “None of it, I guess. But this is a big thing, Dr. Matson. It’s not like he forgot to tell me he was a part-time stripper. He has a child.”

  “It is a big thing. You did say he planned on telling you, right?”

  “He said he wanted to tell me in person so we could talk about it,” I answered.

  “But you two haven’t talked about it yet, not really.”

  “No. I didn’t want to talk to him when I saw him, so he texted me.”

  “From what you told me about his messages, they didn’t really address your main concerns.”

  “No. I mean, I feel better because I know he wasn’t cheating on me—or her.”

  “But you’re still unsure about how you want to move forward with him.”

  “Yes.”

  “Whenever we’ve talked about Ryan, you always mention your history. You’re comfortable with him because he’s familiar. You love him because he listens to you, and you feel as though he genuinely cares about you. He makes you laugh, and he takes care of you in a way that doesn’t feel patronizing. Have any of those things changed since you found out about Charlotte?”

  “Not really, no. All the history and the feelings are still there.”

  “So it’s just the future that has changed.”

  “Yes,” I responded, not sure where she was going with this.

  “Have you and Ryan talked about the future?”

  “Nothing major, I guess. Just how we couldn’t wait to see each other, and that we’d see each other while he was on leave. We may have said some other vague things about doing stuff together in the future.”

  “So he did see a future with you?”

  “Yes.”

  “And he didn’t seem concerned about you being in Charlotte’s life? Surely, he was thinking about it; he’s her dad. If he’s so good at taking care of you, he’s probably good at taking care of her, too, don’t you think?”

  “I guess so,” I said, noncommittally.

  “You have a lot to think about here, Anna. I don’t think you should make a rash decision. Seriously consider your options, okay?” She waited for me to nod before continuing. “What’s your next move?”

  “I guess we should talk.”

  “Communication is extremely important in any relationship, as you both now know.”

  I refrained from rolling my eyes, and instead smiled and thanked Dr. Matson for the impromptu video session.

  Picking up my cell phone, I typed out a quick text to Ryan before I chickened out.

  Me: Let’s talk.

  ~ 36 ~

  Anna

  I was all nerves as I waited on a bench in a small park just off campus. I bounced my foot, watching children play in a nearby playground and wondering if Ryan ever took Charlotte to the park. Of course he did. Ryan was probably Superdad, with a big red S on his spandex-covered chest.

  “Hey,” his voice came out of nowhere, and I startled. “Sorry.” He stood beside the bench with his hands in the pockets of his jeans, and his shirt stretched tightly against his chest. He was hot, even in a plain white t-shirt.

  “Hi.” I scooted over on the bench so he could sit.

  “Thanks.” He took the seat beside me, rested his elbows on his knees and gazed over to the playground.

  “Do you have one of those near your place for Charlotte?” I asked, hoping to let him know I was open to talking about her.

  A small smile graced his face. “Yeah. There’s a small jungle gym in our apartment complex, and there’s a park nearby, too.”

  “Do you and Kelsey live together?” I asked. He’d said “our apartment complex,” and I had to know what he meant.

  “No. I live with Rogers. Kelsey and Charlotte have an apartment in the same building. We work it out that way so we’re always close.”

  “She moves with you?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the answer to that question. I understood the concept of knowledge being power, but I was beginning to get a sense of just how close his relationship—friendship—with Kelsey was, and it was making me uneasy.

  “Yeah. She works from home doing web design so she can pretty much work from anywhere. We agreed early on that as long as she could, she’d live wherever the Navy took me so Charlotte would grow up with her dad in her life. If she didn’t…well, who knows when I’d see her with deployments and relocations? I couldn’t just see my kid on leave, you know? She’d never remember me. Kelsey has sacrificed a lot for me, living the life of a military wife without many of the benefits.”

  “Why aren’t there benefits?”

  He gave me a weird look but answered anyway. “We’re not married, so she doesn’t really have access to the support network military spouses do. She has to pay for her own insurance—Charlotte’s on mine. Other stuff like that.”

  Those
weren’t the kinds of benefits I’d been thinking about, and he knew it. Now I understood the weird look he’d given me.

  “There’s really nothing between you two?”

  “No. There’s absolutely nothing between us. We’re just friends. Good friends. We have to be to raise Charlotte the way we’ve been.” He took a deep breath and blew it out, still looking out at the playground. “I’m sorry I kept it from you.”

  “I know.” I believed him, I did. It was easy to see he was sorry by the way his usually commanding posture was sunken. “I’m sorry I avoided you when I found out, I just…I didn’t know how to process what I’d seen.”

  We were silent for a few long moments before he spoke. “So…are you not ignoring me now?”

  I glanced over at him just as he peeked at me, and I giggled. It felt like ninth grade art class all over again, butterflies and all.

  “I’m not ignoring you anymore.”

  He leaned back against the bench and reached for my hand. “Good, because I missed you.”

  “I missed you, too.” Yep, butterflies.

  It was easy to confess that. It was Ryan, after all. He was the guy. My guy. Was he the same guy I thought I knew, though? I glanced at his face, then down to where our hands were still intertwined. He still looked the same, sounded the same, felt the same…but he was different. He had a daughter. He was a dad. I didn’t begrudge him that, not now that I knew the truth and knew he hadn’t been cheating, but was this something I wanted to be part of? I still didn’t know.

  Anger brewed inside me, once again, as I thought about him taking that choice away from me. For ruining what had developed between us.

  “You’re still upset,” he observed.

  Damn right I was.

  Communication is extremely important in any relationship. Dr. Matson’s words repeated in my head.

  “You let me fall in love with you without informing me you were—are—a package deal. I have my own set of issues, what right do I have to bring those into the life of a child? By not telling me, you didn’t let me decide if this was something I want for myself…for my life.”

  “Anna, I’m not asking you to be a mother to Charlotte.”

  I snatched my hand away from him and stood from the bench, clenching my fists by my sides before I turned to him. “I know that. My point is, you took away my choice, Ryan. Part of my therapy has been taking charge of my own life and making my own decisions…owning them. You took that away from me. I called you my boyfriend, thinking the most complicated part of planning our dates would be picking what restaurant to eat at, not wondering if it was your time with Charlotte or if you could get a babysitter. It’s not a big deal to me that you have a daughter, Ryan. What’s a big deal is that you brought me into your life without telling me about something—someone—big enough to make an impact on our relationship. You blindsided me.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry. I should have told you from the beginning. I know that. I was wrong. Nothing has to change--”

  “Are you nuts? Everything has changed!” I yelled at him.

  He was standing now, too, his hands raised in a “calm down” gesture. People in the park were looking at us, but I didn’t care.

  “I’m still the same guy, Anna. I’m still the guy you met in art class. The guy who held your hair back while you threw up after Sandy Martin’s party your sophomore year. Who you laid with under the stars countless nights and who you planned your future with.”

  I shook my head. “But you’re not that same guy, Ryan. Not really. You’re a dad, and that will always come first. And that’s okay; it’s the way it should be. I’m just not sure I fit in your world right now.”

  His eyes searched mine desperately. “Of course you do. I know all about your—as you put it—issues, and I don’t think they’re as big a problem as you’re making them out to be. I’ve seen you grow as a person since you came back, and I’m not worried. You’re a good person with a huge heart. If that’s your main concern, we can work through it.”

  “I don’t know that we can. I’m sorry, Ryan, but I don’t think I can do this, not right now.”

  “What are you saying? You need more time to think?”

  “I’m saying…” My heart broke as I thought the words. But I wasn’t ready to do this, not really. Like with everything else involving Ryan, I jumped right in. I still needed time to think, to process. And it wasn’t fair to just drag him along while I did that. “I think I need to focus more on me right now.”

  His shoulders slumped as defeat spread across his face. “And what does that mean for us?”

  “There is no us.”

  ~ 37 ~

  Ryan

  There is no us.

  Her words haunted me hours after our confrontation in the park.

  She was right about everything. In hindsight, I realized that. I never took into consideration the fact that I hadn’t let Anna decide whether she wanted to be in a relationship with a father. I’d treated my own daughter like an accessory and not a person. Of course she was a big deal—the biggest—and I minimized her existence.

  I was a shit.

  Ignoring the knock on my apartment door, I took another pull from my beer. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone.

  There is no us.

  I heard a key enter and turn the lock and groaned. Kelsey. She was the only one beside Rogers who had a key, and he wouldn’t have knocked first. I wasn’t in the mood for her “I told you so” bullshit. In the years we’d been raising Charlotte, Kelsey and I never fought, but if she walked in and mouthed off about Anna, it would happen now.

  “You haven’t answered your phone,” she said once inside. She was alone because Charlotte was in daycare until 4:00 so Kelsey could work from home and actually get things done.

  “I don’t want to talk.”

  She cocked her head to the side. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” Everything.

  “Ryan,” she said, using her mom tone on me. Wouldn’t work. “Is this about Anna? Did you finally talk to her?”

  Kelsey knew I hadn’t been able to get in touch with Anna, but she didn’t know why. She didn’t know Anna had seen us at the airport and thought we were a family. She didn’t know about our…fight…whatever it was. She didn’t know that we were over.

  “Ry, what’s this about? You’re acting broody and drinking beer at 2:00 in the afternoon. What’s going on?”

  “If I tell you, you better not say you told me so,” I warned her.

  She nodded understandingly and took a seat on the couch beside me, tucking her legs underneath her. “Tell me,” she said.

  So I did. Everything from the airport to the campus to the park. I told her how she’d been right all along, and I admitted that I should have listened to her and told Anna about Charlotte a long time ago.

  “Wow…so she’s here,” she said, and it wasn’t a question.

  “She is, and she’s pissed and hurt and I don’t know what to do about it.”

  “She has the right to be upset, Ryan.”

  “I know that. I admitted I was wrong, okay?”

  “Don’t get testy with me because you dug yourself a hole so deep you can’t get out of it.”

  Fuck.

  “Sorry, Kels.”

  “It’s not me you should be apologizing to.”

  “I already apologized to Anna, and she won’t accept. She’s not even pissed at me for hiding Charlotte. She’s pissed at me for taking away her choice.”

  Kelsey was silent for a full minute before she spoke. “Well, it sounds like she needs to be in control, or at least feel like she’s in control, and you took that away from her. You need to find a way to give that control back.”

  “I don’t know how to do that,” I said, running my hand through my short hair.

  “Me either. But you’re probably going to need to take a few steps back. You guys were near the finish line together, but now she’s back at the starting line and you’re still at t
he end. You need to move yourself back to where she is. This is a whole new ball game for her. Nothing has changed for you, but everything has changed for her.”

  Damn it. She was absolutely right. Of course it wouldn’t be easy for Anna to simply move forward after having a three year old bomb dropped on her.

  “Is it selfish of me to say I don’t want to move backwards? I want to keep moving forward?”

  Kelsey sighed, resting back into the cushions of the couch. “It is selfish, but it makes sense for you to feel that way. You just have to have patience, Ry.”

  Patience. Right. Not my strong suit. Not after spending years apart and finally being back in a comfortable place with Anna.

  “Patience,” Kelsey repeated.

  I laid my head back on the couch and closed my eyes.

  Now, I waited.

  ***

  Kelsey left a few minutes later, after I assured her I wasn’t going to have anything else to drink so she could drop Charlotte off with me after daycare. She had to finish a big project for work, and wouldn’t be able to do it with Charlotte under foot.

  I hadn’t even drunk half of my beer, so I poured it down the drain and cleaned up around the apartment while I waited for my daughter. Rogers was a pig, but he was my best friend and otherwise an easy roommate, so I let it pass.

  At 4:15 on the dot, the apartment door burst open, and my little ray of sunshine burst in.

  “Daddy!” she squealed, jumping into my arms. It never got old. I could see her every day for a week, and she was always this excited.

  “Hey, princess. How was your day?”

  As I listened to Charlotte tell me everything about the finger-painting they did today, I waved goodbye to Kelsey as she snuck out the door. As excited as Charlotte was to see me, she still didn’t like for her mother to leave her.