In Search of Satisfaction

by J. California Cooper

  “Naw, ain’t nothin I can do. They just … hang there.”

  “You been using them whether you know it or not. You ought to try some real exercise with em.”

  “They ain’t gonna be no good.”

  “Lovey, you given up before you try.”

  “Tell me bout the city again. Tell me bout Washington, D.C.”

  “Oh, Lovey, a city isn’t anything but a whole lot more people than there is in the country all together in one place. It’s a lot of brains, all working in their own way. Thinking up things to do to survive. All kinds of brains think of all kinds of things. Some think how to survive on their own, some think of how to get somebody else to help them survive. Some think of how to go into business, somehow to get rich. But lots think of how to steal, how to lie, even how to kill. The whole thing is all wrapped around money, even the churches, seem like to me. Some of them city people even come to you, want you to sell your body.”

  Lovey shook her head. “Wouldn’t nobody come to me to sell my body.”

  Hosanna nodded her head back. “They probably love you to death, ’cause some of them brains are twisted and broken.”

  Lovey put her hand out, reaching out to Hosanna. “You mean ain’t nobody gonna want me less their brain is twisted and broke?”

  Hosanna reached out for Lovey. “Oh, no, Lovey. I just mean you thinking about love. Their twisted brain ain’t thinking bout no love. They thinking about another kind of satisfaction, what ain’t really no satisfaction for nobody but them.”

  Lovey turned back to her work. “Maybe I don’t really want to go to no city. Maybe I just want to be in love and have a man someday.”

  Hosanna turned to her own work. “Well, I ain’t … haven’t been here long, but I just know the country got a little bit of everything the city got. Cause that’s where most all people in the city come from … the country! Wasn’t no cities when everybody first came here! You all got some of the same kinda minds here in the country! Sick! And you have plenty time to think about love, child, you haven’t even grown up yet!”

  Lovey’s voice was so low, Hosanna almost didn’t hear it when she said, “Ain’t nobody gonna love me like I am noway. I just be dreamin.”

  Then they worked in silence until Lovey found another question and Hosanna tried to answer all her questions the best way Lovey’s youth could understand.

  hosanna helped Luke when he worked in their own garden for the food for the family. He wanted to know about the city, too. He would rise from digging around a cabbage or some such thing and ask, “What kinda men they in them cities? I bet you got them men what makes money and take care they famly and everybody be happy. Goin to school … and then colleges. And workin in them offices and even ownin they own business.”

  Hosanna bent over, digging, too. “I saw some was going to college. Small college. Big college. I heard of some was taking care the family, planning for their own children. Not too many. White or colored. I know a man named Butler, was a good man, and he liked other men.”

  Luke’s head shot up. Hosanna kept talking, “He didn’t have no family to take care of but that man of his, but he was a kind man. He was good to me. I ain’t met everybody, but I never met none like you are a man. Staying here, taking care your daddy and mama’s land and your sisters. Hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t have no place to come home to. That’s what you done for me … for them. I remember it was you who wouldn’t let Uncle sell this land. You decided to stay here and try to make it work! You stood up for that and you wasn’t grown then. Look what you have done. You have done it!”

  Luke grinned, his body moved in the pleasure of her words and thoughts. She made him proud. “Awww, I ain’t done nothin. We all done done it!”

  Hosanna knew his pleasure. It gave her pleasure. “Yeah, but you stayed. You are the man of the place. The only one. You could’a done … You could have left here already and sent some money home. That money might not’a meant what it means to have you here. Leading em. Being a rock or something they can count on. I can count on. You have helped my sisters use the strength they have.”

  Luke was silent then. Thinking. After a little while of plucking, raking and digging, he spoke, “I know what you sayin … and I’m glad, proud I been here … but they ain’t doin so good. They ain’t happy, ain’t satisfied. Course, ain’t nothin here to be satisfied bout! Lettie, she in love and can’t go get married up with him even if he would marry her, which I don’t know bout. But he a fast young man, nothin don’t seem to grow under his feet. Lovey … well … Lovey probly goin be here all our life … all her life. Hosanna, I don’t want you thinkin hard of me, but … do I want to … I can’t go nowhere. I ain’t got no freedom. I can’t afford my sisters right … less alone a wife.”

  Hosanna leaned on her hoe, looking at him. She spoke softly, “You love somebody? You want to get married? Bring her home here. This your home.”

  After a long moment, he answered, “I loves somebody.” He wiped the perspiration from his brow. “I love somebody. But I ain’t givin up nothin. I can’t never be with her no way no more than I am. I’m a man though. My body want to … be a husband man. But I guess I ain’t willin to give up what I got to do here. Cept for my famly, my sisters, I ain’t got nothin to give … to share.”

  Still softly, Hosanna spoke to him, “Luke, I have looked in many a face and I ain’t seen such love. I seen fear, greed … and a lusting after the flesh. But I ain … haven’t seen such love. In the city you see all kinds of people who know how to make it LOOK like love or something good. But the backbone to it ain’t there. They only got what looks like love. If you got that … real love … don’t give it up. For nothing else. You are a good man, a kind man with real love in your heart. I know you loved me and I was a long, long way away for a long time.” Hosanna thew her hoe down, ran to her brother and hugged him. “But you gotta be happy, too. You’re a man. Been a man since you were a child. I love you. You my dear brother. Mine.”

  Luke held her, then let go quickly because he wasn’t used to holding women in his hungry arms. “I feel better, sister. I feel … better.”

  “I do too, brother. I do, too. I’m home with my family. And we gonna try to do something bout this here satisfaction business. For all of us!”

  • • •

  lettie stayed a bit distant from Hosanna, and quiet. Not knowing what to say to Hosanna. Thinking Hosanna above herself. Thinking she could have stayed gone and had a different life … a good life. On the third day home, Hosanna followed Lettie out the door on her way to work. “I’m going to walk you to your job, sis. Pretty soon I’m going to have to get out here and find something for myself to do.” She caught up with Lettie.

  Lettie looked at her and kept walking. “Ain’t no sense you goin over here with me. They ain’t got no jobs to give nobody but me.”

  “Oh, I’m not goin just for a job. I just want to be with you a little bit, Lettie. I ain’t been with you in all these years and you my sister. Let’s just talk.”

  “What you come back here for? Ain’t nothin here!”

  “My family is here.”

  “We gonna be your family whether you come back or not!”

  “I want to feel my heart … so I came back cause I want to … for me. Wasn’t nothing where I was.”

  Lettie kicked the dirt in the road as she walked, “Well … it ain’t nothin here neither.”

  They walked a moment in silence, then Hosanna said, “I hear you in love. You must’a found something here.”

  In spite of herself, Lettie smiled. “He ain’t nothin.”

  “What’s his name?”

  “Boyd.”

  “What does he do?”

  “Nothin. Work like all of us. He do yard work and a little carpenter work, and a little … I don’t know. He don’t do much.”

  “You want to marry him?” Lettie sighed, “Yeaaaaaah.”

  “How is he going to take care of you, if he don’t do too much?”


  “I can work. Been workin all my life.”

  Hosanna stopped walking, Lettie didn’t. “You are going to get married thinking how you can take care of your family?” She caught up with Lettie again.

  “You don’t unnerstand. We goin to work together.”

  “He asked you … to marry him?”

  “No! Cause he know I couldn’t leave Lovey and Luke.”

  “He could join you and help, too.”

  Lettie stopped and turned to Hosanna. “Why should he?”

  Hosanna answered softly, “Cause he love you.”

  Lettie jerked herself around and started walking again. “Oh, you don’t know what you talkin bout! That man ain’t got to worry bout my problems!”

  “Well, you do! And if he loves you, then he do, too!”

  Lettie was almost in tears, but she was getting angry. “I don’t think it’s none of your bi’ness. You my sister and all, but you ain’t been here and you don’t know nothin bout roun here! Specially nothin bout me!” Her walk picked up speed.

  Hosanna didn’t let up. “Love is love. No different here than any place else in the world.”

  “Well, we diffrent here.”

  “You say you different here. But you all don’t change life. Life is the same all over the world, and if he loves you, he takes what you got.”

  Lettie laughed, “I want to give him what I got, alright.”

  “And he give you what he got.”

  “Sho will.” Lettie smiled.

  “Which is nothing.”

  Lettie got angry again. “Oh, you don’t know everything! Just cause you been to a big city!”

  “Do you know how to read, Lettie?”

  “A little.”

  “Do you know how to write?”

  “A little.”

  “Then that’s just how you are always gonna live … a little.”

  Lettie turned to her again. “How you livin? Who you?”

  “I’m not through learning.”

  Lettie turned, walking faster. “Well, you done learned your way. I’m gonna live my way.”

  Hosanna put her hand on Lettie’s arm, they were walking so fast. “I love you, Lettie.”

  “Well, I guess I love you, too, but I KNOW I love Boyd!”

  Hosanna just wouldn’t give up. “Why? What are you going to give your babies? Don’t you remember Mama and Daddy?”

  Lettie spun around. “Do I remember? You gotdamned right I do! I remember you left. WE stayed here. WE worked, while you laid on your ass somewhere in the city of Washington, D.C. WE kept everything goin here and now you home, callin it your home cause you sent a few dollars once a year or somethin. You ain’t done nothin for us! We done somethin for you! Now you want to come tell me what’s gonna make me happy! Who are you? You ain’t done nothin for me!”

  Hosanna’s voice was tiny, coming from the tears in her throat, “I will try to. I am tryin to.”

  “You so smart, Miss Lady! You don’t know nothin bout my heart or what’s in my head. You so smart, why ain’t you satisfied? Work on your own life!” Then Lettie ran away from her sister’s outstretched arm. She ran the rest of the way to her job. Hosanna watched her as she dissapeared.

  hosanna went back home, sat down, cried a little and did a lot of thinking about her money she still had pinned to the brassiere she had not taken off except to bathe and then put right back on. “Butler said put it in a bank till I know what I’m gonna do. Save it, add to it or need to spend it.” She divided the money in her mind. “Some for a cow, we need milk. A roof repair. An extra bed, small. And if I’m gonna be in my own business, like he said, I need a better cookstove. That ought to leave about a hundred dollars to go to the bank.”

  Hosanna walked to the bank, had never been to one before. She stood looking through the big window at the man sitting at a desk way in the back of the bank under a sign that said “Bank Officer.” She frowned, “Lord, what am I doing here?” The man looked up now and again, smiled at her and went back to his papers. At last she went in. He stood, holding his hand out to shake her hand.

  “Good morning. I’m Russell Moore.

  Nervous, Hosanna answered, “I’m Hosanna Jones.”

  “And what may we do for you?”

  “I want to talk about a bank saving account.”

  “Fine. I’ll be glad to help.” Russell was good, kind and helpful. He gave her all the information, took her hundred dollar bill, wondering where she had gotten it, and opened a savings account for her, repeating again and again, “Yes, you can take it out whenever you want it.” Satisfied, with her savings book in her brassiere, she started home and decided to stop by Yin’s house.

  Ellen and Yin were doing fine and little Joseph Richard Befoe Krupt was a well taken care of baby. Yin was preparing herself for a guest. “The baby’s father,” she whispered to Hosanna. Her bed was fresh, her gown fluffy, ruffled and lacy. The baby was prepared in a like manner. His skin tone had darkened ever so slightly, his hair curled smoothly around his head. He smiled at Hosanna, but then she did not know he smiled at everything. He was a happy baby. Ellen looked happy, too. One thing, she was full and she was smiling.

  Yin was working on her hair when Hosanna came. She smiled over her shoulder at Hosanna. “Well, Miss Doctor, how are you doing? Was your family glad to see you? I know they were! Listen, why don’t you need a job? You got money hidden somewhere?” Yin laughed, but she was thinking of that empty shack she had gone to, way back on her land. There had been no gold there, nor a diamond ring.

  Hosanna sat down on one of the little satin seats. “Not a lot. I saved some up on my jobs in Washington, but I can see it ain’t going far here!”

  Yin turned to her. “You know, I paid you too much money the other night, just because I was in extreme pain. You took advantage of me.” She was not smiling, so Hosanna did not know if she was serious or not, but she treated it seriously.

  Yin continued, “You know, I could have done it alone, after all. Aunt Ellen says I didn’t have the same kind of trouble some women do.”

  Hosanna found something to stare at on her knee. “But you didn’t do it alone. I helped.”

  “Your help wouldn’t have cost a hundred dollars!”

  “My help … would cost whatever I think my time is worth.”

  “You should give some of it back to me.”

  “Give me my time back.”

  Yin turned away from the mirror to Hosanna. “Well, what are you thinking of talking to me like that?!”

  Hosanna looked at her. “I’m trying to think of how much more you owe me. I thought of Aunt Ellen. You couldn’t think of anyone. I went to get Aunt Ellen for you, too. You owe me. Friend forever.” The last two words were spoken with irony.

  Yin made a little gasp, but smiled. “Why, you’re just a child. What would you need all that money for?”

  “I’m colored. I’m a woman. And everybody needs some money in this world.”

  The mood was past and Hosanna had Yin’s respect. Yin turned back to the mirror, primping. “Then why don’t you want a job? I know where I can get one for you. At the Befoes. Can you cook? Sew?”

  “I can cook most anything. I learned under somebody that loved French food, some Italian food and German food. I can do it all, especially desserts. I specially learned how to care for lingerie. That’s about all what I expect to do right now.”

  Yin stared at Hosanna with appreciation. “Lordy, girl, your future is made. Any of these ladies around here would take you on in a minute!”

  Hosanna smiled. “Well, I have a plan. I don’t want to work for anyone. I want to work for myself. I know I do what I do, good. Very good. I will cook and direct service for any special time, be paid and go home. People can send their lingerie to me or I can pick it up for a small charge, and I will charge them by the number of things they send. But not like they pay these other people round here. I know good lingerie costs good money and they need special care. I can do that. But I am going to work fo
r myself. I don’t want to belong to nobody again.”

  Yin looked at Hosanna very thoughtfully. “I wish I had thought like you when I was your age. I’d be … way better off now.”

  Aunt Ellen spoke, “I wish I’d a had that much sense myself. But I really didn’t know how to do all them things she talkin bout!”

  Yin got up, smoothing over her nightgown. “Alright. Now I know. I still think I can do you some good. I’ll speak to a few people I know. We’ll get you some money.”

  Hosanna smiled, gratefully. “Thank you.”

  “I need to go in business with you. You’re smart. But you’re going at getting rich the hard way.” Yin leaned back on the freshened bed.

  Hosanna rose to leave. “Yea, but there ain’t no trouble in it.”

  Yin raised up. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean I can’t get in no trouble cooking food and washing clothes. Friend forever.” She started out the bedroom door. “I’ll let myself out, Aunt Ellen.”

  Yin called after her, “Hosanna? Do you know someone round here named Ruth?”

  “There must be lotsa Ruths. My mama was named Ruth.”

  “Your mama?”

  “Why?”

  “Nothing. Nothing right now. Alright. Does Aunt Ellen know where to find you if I need you?”

  “Ask anybody for the Jones residence.” Hosanna called back.

  “Good-bye, Hosanna. Friend forever.” Yin laughed, but was satisfied. She did like Hosanna, very much.

  luke and Hosanna bought a cow. Mr. Creed was paid to repair the roof, Luke helped him so to save money. Hosanna borrowed Yin’s carriage to go to Mythville to get a real stove. Wood-burning, but ever so much more modern than the one they had. She bought two mattresses on sale. Gave Luke the one Lovey had had. “Well, at least I can sleep good,” she thought to herself as she counted the money she had left to spend. She thought of Lovey making a living someday, so she bought a second-hand sewing machine. “We’ll learn together.”

  She bought Lettie some pretty combs for her hair and a small bottle of dime-store perfume, all she could afford. When she gave them to Lettie, Lettie was silent as she looked down at the pretty thoughts. She cried. Hosanna hugged her tightly, saying softly, “I love you, Lettie.” Lettie sniffed, “I love you, too.” Feeling relief, Hosanna thought, “Maybe I think she is silly about that man, but it is her business. God help me with my family.”