Sin's Flower

by Carlene Love Flores

  If she’d have been able to see, or feel her fingers, she’d have searched for a rock to bust her window, desperate for warmth. But the only rocks she’d find out here were probably in that frozen creek which she wasn’t too keen on dipping into again.

  What choice did she have though? Was she gonna hoof it back to the highway? Not out here in the frozen pitch black of night with the critters. Without a single house light on this stretch of road, her only choice was back to the creek to find a rock. She had to get herself inside something if she wanted her jaw to stop trembling and her blood flow to return to her hands.

  You can do this, girl. Come on now, Lily.

  Shaking, she forced herself back to the trickling ice and began fumbling around. She didn’t know where the thought came from, but in her mind, all she could hear was the rationale that the stabbing sensation gouging her frozen skin was painful but it wouldn’t kill her. How many times had she walked to school on wintery mornings, hand in hand with Tris saying that very thing in her ear?

  “It ain’t that bad, Lily. Folks live with pain all the time. Just think of something warm.”

  As Lily continued dragging her hands through the creek in search of her rock, she couldn’t help but feel that somehow, someway, her big sis was there with her, trying to help her out. She also couldn’t help but think of something warm. An image of standing on the beach, wrapped up in Jaxon’s hug, did cruel yet warm things to her heart. A second later, her fingers scraped over a solid, rough chunk wedged into the sandy creek’s bottom. She’d found her rock.

  Now she had to muster up the will to go and smash it through her window. Guess it was a blessing she couldn’t feel her hands.

  * * * *

  The more minutes ticked off the clock, the closer Jaxon got to alerting the sheriff. He’d wasted precious minutes assuming Lily had gone inside to quietly slink into her room to bed down for the night. But when he’d entered, he didn’t find Lily. Then he’d peeked in to the nursery and she wasn’t in there either. The only one on the couch was Benny. Lucky had come out to ask if Jaxon had found Lily and assuming he had, Jaxon told him yes. It was after he’d gone to see if she was with Grace that he saw her car was not pulled in behind his.

  And that’s when he realized what a fool he’d been not leaving his car at the bar and driving with her.

  Before, he realized he’d hurt her. Now, he realized just how badly he’d done it.

  He called her phone from his number, Benny’s, and then Trissy’s land line. Nothing.

  Benny, Grace, Lucky and Trissy now stood around the kitchen with him, saturating it with their combined worry. Everyone had a suggestion, a possible place she could have gone to. The inaction was starting to piss him off. This was his doing. But he was going to need help. A clear plan finally ripped through his mind.

  “Benny, you go back to Slangers. Lucky, you’re more familiar with the drive-in theater, you check there. Trissy and Grace, please stay by your phones in case she calls. I’ve been to the dress shop enough times I can get myself there. Everyone check in once you get to your places.”

  Lucky caressed Trissy’s face, planting kisses on her forehead before letting her go to grab the keys to his truck and toss Benny the set to Trissy’s car.

  Jaxon was almost out the door when Trissy made her way to him. “When you find her, tell her I was wrong. And I’m sorry.”

  Jaxon nodded, understanding her every word and then squeezed her in a short hug.

  “Let’s go.”

  The three of them headed out. God help them find his woman who didn’t want to be found. Fuck everything else, the moment he had her in his sights, he was telling her how much he loved and needed her. There would never be another woman for him.

  Jaxon pulled out after Lucky and Benny and made his way following the caravan until they came to that damn fork in the road where’d he’d gotten hung up before. The guys had each made that turn in front of him, on their way north to their particular destinations. Jaxon was supposed to make that turn as well to head to the dress shop. Listening to his gut in the past had nearly always led him into deeper and darker realms of hell. But the house he’d gone to look at earlier that day had been to the south. At the last second, Jaxon went with his gut and made a right turn. In the daytime, he’d noticed how remote but peaceful a drive it had been. He’d been thinking the whole way how much Lily would love making the trip from their new country home to the dress shop, with the cows and the creek so close to the road.

  He hadn’t gone more than five miles when his high beams showed her car parked off to the side. The window driver side window was busted out.

  “Oh shit, no,” he said in a panic as he pulled up alongside her car and scrambled out. “Lily,” he called. But there was no answer. He scanned the car inside and out but all he found was her dead cell phone. He pulled the car door open and sat in her seat, trying to think and see what she might have seen sitting there. He picked up her phone even though it was useless. That was when he felt the moisture. When he dropped it to look at what had smeared into the palm of his hand, he saw the blood. And then it started showing up everywhere. On the steering wheel, all over the remaining pieces of window glass, on the keys that were stuck in the ignition.

  His head hit his forearms which hit the steering wheel. Jaxon cried out. “No, not her. Not her God dammit! Lily, where are you, baby?”

  * * * *

  “I’m over here,” she called out but knew it hadn’t been loud enough for him to hear. Funny how his voice motivated her up from the creek’s edge when freezing to death hadn’t. Even though it hurt like hell, she lurched up onto her knees and coddled the bloodied club that was her probably broken hand to her chest. “Here,” she said faintly, crawling as best she could. If she could just make it back up to the road’s shoulder, he’d see her.

  “Lily? Oh God, oh baby…” That was all she heard before she realized he’d picked her up and was carrying her back to the car. Her entire body had become numb instead of just the broken bloody hand she’d held in the creek water. “You’re so cold baby. Fuck, I’m so sorry. This is all my fault. I'm gonna take care of you. I’m gonna make it up to you.”

  He just kept repeating those things over and over. There had been no chance for her to tell him she loved him too.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  The mailbox that was made to look like a mini-red barn made her smile.

  God that was a beautiful thing to see after the night they’d had. He had spent his last reserves of sanity insisting her nurse take another look because there was no way Lily could have bled that much from a simple gash. He was convinced she’d severed an artery. But no, it had been a very bad cut that was cleaned, stitched and bandaged and a broken hand that was set in a cast. In fact, the biggest concern had been how low her body temperature had measured upon their arrival. But once that had risen to normal, they’d gotten the okay to leave the nearly deserted ER.

  That was when Jaxon had asked Lily if he could take her somewhere quiet to talk, just the two of them and the rising sun.

  Quietly, she agreed.

  This would have been the perfect place for them. The least he hoped to get out of Lily after his explanation and apology was her acceptance of his gift. He still wanted her to have it. Her own place to do with whatever she wanted.

  “Jaxon, I don’t understand. Why did you bring me here?”

  He adjusted in his seat so he could see her. The last complete sentence he’d punished her with had been his order at the hospital that she promise never to pull another stunt like that again.

  “I owe you an explanation. And I feel better about telling it to you here.”

  “Here? Parked outside some empty house at the crack of dawn? You know this is the back hills country of Tennessee. The neighbors could shoot us for trespassing and it wouldn’t even make the news.”

  The neighbors wouldn’t do any such thing. He’d met them the day before when Benny and he had driven out to take a look
at the place. He’d wanted to see it before making an offer. In a matter of days, the for sale sign would be gone and either Lily would be calling it home or it would be his empty country home, in name only, if she refused.

  “Jaxon, last night, why did you think I was in danger? Do you know something I don’t?”

  Yes, he did. That there had been a package left on the steps last night from her ex. It was a copy the jerk had apparently made of the final divorce judgment papers and a cryptic note that said he hoped everything worked out for her in Bugscuffle. Jaxon didn’t believe for one second that the ass had written that as a peace offering. No one who humiliated a girl the many ways Tom had did anything out of the kindness of his heart.

  After the things life had shown Jaxon, he wasn’t putting a single ounce of good faith in Lily’s ex.

  Not to mention that any ole drunk, rowdy, no good guy out with his buddies last night at the bar could have hurt her in that parking lot. “Lily, whatever you heard me saying to your sister last night, you couldn’t have heard it all. You have to have missed some very crucial parts. I, I want you to promise to hear me out now and then my promise to you is that whatever you decide, I will respect it. But yes, I had my reasons for being out of my mind about your safety last night.”

  Her tongue was working the side of her cheek like she couldn’t believe the shit flying out of his mouth. He could tell his use of the word respect was grating on her. Which meant she felt he didn’t have any for her. Sad, considering she’d earned his admiration within hours of their first meeting.

  “Well, you might feel cozy parked out here but I don’t. Please just say what you need to say.”

  “Fair enough.” He huffed out a breath, remembering how much physical pain she had to still be in. This was it. “A little less than three years ago, your sister was still working for me but she’d met Lucky and realized it was time for her to part ways with me and the band. She didn’t know how to do that because I had her so wrapped up in what I needed. We ended up driving out to this venue we’d played at earlier that night for some privacy; it was very late. She needed to talk and I thought I was doing the right thing by listening. Well, because of my stupidity, we ended up getting attacked by this group of sadistic pricks who wanted me to do things to Trissy while they watched.”

  “What things?” Her expression shifted from pained to concerned.

  “They wanted me to have sex with her on the hood of the car, Lily.”

  “Oh, my God. You guys couldn’t fight them off or get away? Or just stay locked in the car?”

  “That’s where my ego screwed us. I got out of the car because I only saw two of them at first and I could have handled that. But it turned out much differently. They, uh, they…” He fingered the scar bisecting his brow. “They messed me up pretty good with their metal poles. And then it turned out there were five of them. Your sister was a tough girl but at that time, she was in such a bad place. She’d recently met Lucky on a trip to visit your mum’s grave but going back to Oklahoma really hurt her. When we got stuck out there in that field, her mind slipped away and I couldn’t fight all five of them on my own. I had to go along with their sick game because I was afraid they’d gang rape her if I got myself knocked out.”

  “So, you had to do it?” Lily’s voice crept out of her mouth, surely afraid to hear his answer.

  “I had to try. But I couldn’t go through with it. I just couldn’t. She was like my baby sis.”

  “Did, did they rape her, Jaxon?”

  He licked his lips with his no good, dry tongue and tried to swallow. “No, luckily Stefan and Lucky figured out where we were and showed up and the coward bastards ran off, back into the woods, but not before leaving Trissy and me beaten and bloodied. Your sister finally saw that life with me and the guys was no good for her. She left and that was that.”

  “That was the last time you two saw each other since that night?”

  “Not exactly. Trissy and Lucky came to that show we did this summer in Nashville.”

  “The one where I ran into her.”

  “Yeah, that one. I saw her briefly afterwards but it wasn’t the time to talk.”

  “So you two have never talked about that night, have you?”

  “Not until you walked in and heard what you heard last night.” He turned more to face her even more dead on. His hands were dying to caress her cheek but he couldn’t interfere in any decision she made regarding him. “I’m so sorry that happened like that. Lily, you have no idea how badly I wish I could have had that conversation with you first like I’d planned.”

  “You planned to tell me yourself?”

  “I did. But then everything got out of whack during our gift exchange and Lucky said your sis needed to talk to me pretty badly. And, um, I don’t mean to disrespect you, but I think I’m having a hard time accepting Maryellie’s mother is gone.”

  Lily slunk back into the seat, breaking their face to face connection.

  “That’s why you hated being at the drive-in movies. Why you refused to take Maryella,” she said while looking out the front window.

  “Yes.”

  “And when you looked so scared last night in the parking lot.”

  How did he tell her that was what he looked like broken hearted and terrified?

  How did he explain that as they sat here having this talk, with her seeming to accept what he was saying, and desperately needing her forgiveness, it was also the thing that scared him most?

  “I understand that I overreact, but I can’t help it. I just want you and Maryellie and Trissy to be safe. I guess that’s all.” He sat on his hands to keep from wiping that tear that had escaped and rolled down her cheek.

  * * * *

  That was a start, but that didn’t explain why he’d brought her to this vacant house or the other things she’d heard him and her sister talking about.

  “Jaxon.” She finally looked up at him. “I’m truly, with every fiber of my being, sorry you went through that. And even worse, you’ve been living with this horrible thing hanging over your head. I clearly misunderstood that part of your conversation with Tris. And I’m very sorry for that too.”

  “You’re not the one who’s supposed to be apologizing out here, Lily.”

  “Well, I’m not perfect. I get it wrong just like everybody else from time to time. But there are some things I’m very sure about. And I think that’s the part of what I overheard that hurts me most.” She bit her lips together, sealing them shut from the inside so she wouldn’t cry out loud to go with that tear that had fallen. Her lips quivered, her nostrils quivered, everything did. She pulled in a shaky breath through her nose. “What do I have to do to prove I wasn’t abused by my father?”

  “Lily, I want to do my best by you. With the accident you had at my house that weekend and the way you’ve been uncomfortable with your body...Baby, I didn’t know what to think.”

  She shot him a sharp warning. “Please…don’t call me that.” It hurt her worse than her throbbing hand because up until last night, she’d hung on that one word every minute of every day.

  It stung him. She may have well have slapped his cheek. “Okay.”

  “Did you know that I’ve had bladder infections my whole life and there’s a medical reason for it? Okay, it’s just something that I and thousands of other women deal with as adults. It doesn’t mean I was abused by my father but in an unfamiliar place, apparently it means I may occasionally wet the bed. Which is completely embarrassing and something I could have explained if you’d have talked to me and not my sister.”

  Her breath hitched and frustration routed through her sore, recovering muscles, twisting them into tight knots while shame latched itself over that. It was exactly the way Jaxon had probably felt and she’d paid no mind to that. All she’d cared about was her need to hear him say it out loud.

  “Okay, well I didn’t know that and with Trissy’s childhood history and then all the shit I did to fuck her up even worse, I was scared,
Lily. Scared I was going to hurt you, too. Is it so hard to believe that I honestly just didn’t know how to approach you with all this?”

  She put herself in his shoes and yes, she could see his glaring point. She just wished he’d found a way to her first, even if it had taken him more time.

  “I don’t know what else to say,” he told her, keeping his hands in his lap.

  “Me neither.”

  Her mouth might have reached its limit, but her heart sure hadn’t. She laid her hand out palm side up on her knee. He noticed but only stared down in that direction.

  Now she knew what it meant when people said not to wish for things because they might actually come true. Where did they go from here? The angry firestorm, that had burned so intense she honestly hadn’t wanted anything to do with him, had fizzled to a scalding burn. He hadn’t reached for her hand yet. All night she’d been pissed that he hadn’t trusted her enough to come to her first.

  “Jaxon, for what it’s worth, I do have one more thing to say.”

  His teal blue eyes locked on her, waiting. “What is it?”

  “Thank you.”

  A laugh escaped his throat. “What for?”

  “Even though I looked like a complete idiot on that dance floor, for a few songs, I actually felt pretty. And pissed, but pretty too. That was only possible because of you.”

  Now he was the one sealing his lips with his teeth from the inside. What was he not telling her?