I Can't Let Go

by Chenell Parker

  Kimora was back home in Carmel now, but she didn’t fly in alone. Her baby’s father and his mother had come back with her. Hassan had met them the day after they flew in because they came to the house to get Santina. Tino looked like a typical pretty boy and Tina looked just like that nigga. Hassan didn’t usually date women with kids, but he made an exception for Kimora only because her baby’s father wasn’t in her life. Now, he felt like he had to compete with another nigga and that was something that he wasn’t used to. He was in love with Kimora and he wasn’t about to share her time and attention with another man.

  “I just want to see my baby open up her gifts on Christmas,” Kimora said, pulling his thoughts back to the present.

  “She can do that here, just like she’s been doing,” Hassan selfishly replied.

  “This will be her first Christmas with her father and his family, and I’ve already agreed to let her stay with them,” Kimora said, trying not to get annoyed with the conversation.

  Although it hadn’t been very long, Kimora felt comfortable with Tino having Santina without her always being around. He was putty in his daughter’s hands and he did whatever she told him to. She cried whenever Kimora tried to make her come home and so did Val. Kimora gave up and started letting her stay with them at their rented home. They even went to the City Hall building so that he could be added onto her birth certificate and change her last name. He had already been teaching her how to say and spell her new last name, even though it wasn’t official yet.

  “What does that mean for me?” Hassan arrogantly asked.

  “This is not about you, Hassan. It’s not about me either. I’m doing what any mother would do and I’m putting the needs of my daughter first. Now, I’ve spent every holiday for the last few years with you and your family. Will it kill you to spend one holiday with mine?” Kimora countered.

  “Are you seriously inviting me to spend the holidays with your baby’s father and his family?” Hassan questioned incredulously.

  “No because I’m not spending the holidays with them either. My grandmother is doing Christmas at her house and that’s where I’ll be. I’m only going to watch my baby open her gifts. Tina is spending the day with her family and I’m spending the day with mine. I know I said that I was undecided but I’m not. I’m spending Christmas in New Orleans,” Kimora replied.

  She was so happy when she was back in New Orleans. Everything was so familiar to her and she didn’t realize how much she missed it. She missed her family and friends more than anything. She hated being in Carmel and not really having any friends. She tried to make some, but it was harder than she thought.

  “I guess it’s just fuck me and what I want.” Hassan frowned as he pulled up to his cousin’s restaurant.

  “Just remember that you said it.” Kimora shrugged as she got out of the car.

  She was starving and she didn’t have time for a grown ass man and his temper tantrums. Hassan was used to getting his way, but he had the right one. People in Carmel bowed to him because of his father’s connections. As for Kimora, she didn’t even vote for Hudson’s arrogant ass. She was hoping that he lost the election, just so that he could be knocked off his high horse. He seemed to bully his way into everything, and she was just noticing that Hassan was the exact same way.

  “Are we gonna discuss this Kimora? When did we start making decisions without talking it out first?” Hassan asked as he stopped her before she entered the restaurant.

  “Did we ever talk it out when you decided what we were going to do before? You made the plans and I never complained. I went to bullshit ass campaign dinners and never uttered a word. I’m sorry but this is not up for discussion. I want you to come with me but I’m going with or without you,” Kimora argued.

  When they walked into the restaurant, Kimora paused when she saw Hassan’s former secretary and her former friend, Sydnee, sitting there. She hadn’t seen Sydnee in months, and she assumed she’d left Carmel altogether. Sydnee looked like she wanted to speak but she decided against it. She wasn’t even finished eating her food, but she stood up and prepared to leave.

  “Are you leaving so soon Sydnee? You haven’t even finished eating yet,” Shakira said as she walked over to her table. She knew the other woman very well because she used to come to the restaurant for lunch all the time.

  “Yeah, I have to get going,” Sydnee nervously replied.

  “Do you want me to box your food up? It’ll only take me a minute,” Shakira offered.

  “No, that’s okay. Thanks for everything,” Sydnee said as she rushed out of there.

  “What the hell is up with her?” Kimora wondered out loud.

  “I don’t know baby. I told you that she started acting weird right before she just up and quit on me. I heard that some nigga that she was messing with got her hooked on something. She can’t even find a job nowhere,” Hassan replied while shaking his head.

  He didn’t wait for them to be seated. He grabbed Kimora’s hand and led her over to their favorite table. Shakira was annoyed but she didn’t say anything. Her husband would die if she offended his favorite cousin. Hassan was who made it possible for them to even have their restaurant, as he often reminded her.

  “What would y’all like to drink?” Shakira asked when she walked over.

  “A coke for me and lemon water for her,” Hassan replied, like Kimora couldn’t speak for herself. Shakira nodded before she walked away. She came back a few minutes later and placed their drinks in front of them.

  “Are y’all ready to order?” Shakira asked.

  “Is Ben in the kitchen? I need him to hook me up something special,” Hassan said as he got up and walked away.

  “Asshole,” Shakira mumbled once he was gone..

  “I heard you,” Kimora smirked as she looked over at her.

  “At this point, I really don’t give a damn,” Shakira snapped, feeling fed up.

  “You got a problem with me, Shakira? If so, let’s settle this shit right here and now. I don’t give a fuck that our men are related, and I care even less about this being your restaurant. I’m not your enemy boo,” Kimora said as she stood up and got in her face.

  “I’m not yours either. That title is reserved for the nigga that you’re sleeping with,” Shakira replied, right as Hassan was walking back over to them.

  “What was that about?” Hassan asked once Shakira had walked away.

  “Recipes,” Kimora replied.

  “Recipes?” he questioned skeptically.

  “Yeah, she was asking me about a gumbo recipe. You know nobody does it better than New Orleans,” Kimora lied with a believable smile.

  She wasn’t naïve enough to tell Hassan what the conversation was really about. Obviously, Shakira knew something about her man that she didn’t. Kimora didn’t know how but she was going to get Shakira alone to see what was up. She loved Hassan but she wouldn’t hesitate to leave his ass. She loved Tino way more and she didn’t think twice when it came to leaving him either. That’s

  I t was two days before Christmas and Kimora had just arrived in New Orleans. She rented a car at the airport and dropped Tino, Val and Santina off at Val’s house before heading over to Prince and Al’s house. Hassan was still in his feelings as if she gave a fuck. He tried to appear unaffected, but Kimora could tell that it was all an act. He had a lot of gifts for her and Santina under the tree, but he told her that he would hold them until they got back.

  “Hey y’all,” Kimora said when she used her key and walked into the house. Prince was sitting on the sofa and Al was sleeping in the recliner right next to it. Nita was in the kitchen cooking just like always.

  “What’s up sis? Where’s my niece?” Prince asked.

  “She’s with Tino,” Kimora replied.

  “That nigga is happy as fuck. I saw them in the mall right before y’all went back to Carmel. His whole face lights up when he looks at her. The same way it does when he looks at you,” Prince noted.

  “You mean wh
en he used to look at me,” Kimora corrected.

  “Don’t try to correct me. I know what I said. That nigga is still in love with you and you still love him too,” Prince said, calling her out.

  “But anyway,” Kimora said while rolling her eyes. “What’s new since I left?”

  “Not a damn thing. Did you and Tino handle that business yet?” Prince asked her.

  “Yep, she’s officially Santina Dixon now,” Kimora replied as she stood up and walked into the kitchen by her mother.

  “Hey baby. Are you hungry? I just finished the red beans and chicken,” Nita said.

  “Hell yeah I’m hungry,” Kimora replied. Her mother fixed her a plate before she fixed one for Prince. Once Nita fixed her own food, she sat down at the kitchen table to catch up with her daughter.

  “I just got off the phone with Miko right before you came,” Nita said.

  “I know. She told me that she was about to call you when before we hung up. She just stopped being mad with me. Dirty got on her ass about keeping secrets from him. I hate that I put her in that position.,” Kimora replied remorsefully.

  “That’s okay. Everything is resolved now. I’m happy that Tina is getting to know her family.” Nita smiled.

  “So am I. How is Al?” Kimora asked.

  “Besides the cast on his arm, he’s good. He got the staples out of his stomach the other day,” Nita answered.

  “That’s good. When are you going back home?” Kimora asked.

  “I’m not,” Nita replied, making her pause midair with her fork.

  “What do you mean?” Kimora questioned.

  “I’m done Kimora. New Orleans is home, and this is where I’m staying. There is nothing in Carmel for me.”

  “What about your husband?” Kimora asked.

  “I’m done with him too. It’s one thing for him not to give a fuck about me but I don’t play when it comes to y’all. Our son could have lost his life and he didn’t even feel the need to come see about him. He’s called me several times since I’ve been here, and he hasn’t asked about Al once. I always told him what was going on with him, but he never inquired. I get it, y’all didn’t do exactly what he wanted y’all to do but what kid does? He’s a selfish, inconsiderate bastard and I should have left his ass a long time ago,” Nita snapped.

  “Well damn. Tell me how you really feel,” Kimora laughed.

  “I just did. That’s exactly why I didn’t want to sell the house. The tenants who are in there now will be moved out by the first of the year and I’m moving back in. I just talked to Miko about it and she’s happy.”

  “I’m happy too but I’m sad at the same time. You were really the only person that I had in Carmel. Besides daddy, I won’t have any family there.”

  Her father didn’t have any family at all besides them. He was an only child and his parents were deceased. That’s why Kimora didn’t understand his attitude. She thought he would have been happy to have a family of his own. Nita always told them that he was never close with his own family and maybe that was why.

  “You’re not happy there Kimora. You need to bring your ass back home too. Tino knows about Santina now, so you don’t have a reason to stay. I know that you were scared after he got shot but that was a long time ago,” Nita said, pulling her away from her thoughts.

  “My life is in Carmel now. I can’t just pack up and leave like that,” Kimora reasoned.

  “Why not? You packed up and moved out there,” Nita pointed out, right as Kimora’s phone rang. She started not to answer when she saw Hassan’s picture pop up, but she did it anyway.

  “Hey baby, how was your flight?” Hassan asked her when she picked up.

  “It was fine. The airport was crowded as hell but that was to be expected,” Kimora replied.

  “Well, I guess I better get prepared for that too,” Hassan replied.

  “What do you mean?” Kimora asked in confusion.

  “I’ll be there at ten in the morning,” Hassan replied.

  “Really? Aww boo, that’s so sweet,” Kimora gushed.

  “Yeah, I couldn’t spend another holiday away from you. I just packed up you and Santina’s gifts and had them sent there overnight.”

  “To where? I didn’t give you anybody’s address,” Kimora noted.

  “It’s going to the Airbnb that I rented. I got a refill on my meds and I can’t wait to see you,” Hassan said excitedly.

  “I can’t wait to show you my city. I guarantee you’re gonna gain weight before you go back to Carmel,” Kimora laughed.

  “I’m looking forward to it. Let me finish packing baby. I’ll call you back a little later. I love you,” Hassan said.

  “I love you too,” Kimora replied before she hung up.

  “I’m good baby. As long as I can sit back and relax, I’ll be okay,” Hassan said as he laid across the bed in his rented space.

  It was Christmas morning and he was feeling like shit. Taking his medicine to please Kimora did more harm than good, but he didn’t regret it. They’d gone at it for hours when he got there and hadn’t stopped until early that morning. Now, he was paying the ultimate price. When he tried to get up to go to the bathroom, the entire room was spinning. He was nauseated and scared to eat anything. He really didn’t want to get out of bed, but he didn’t want to ruin Kimora’s Christmas.

  “Hassan, no. Just lay down and relax. I’ll bring you some food from my grandmother’s house, just in case you get hungry later,” Kimora replied. He had met her entire family the day before, so it wasn’t a big deal if he didn’t show up.

  “I’m sorry love,” Hassan sighed.

  “Stop apologizing. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’ll try not to be gone too long. Tina keeps getting her grandmother to call me so she can open her gifts,” Kimora replied.

  “I want her to open the gifts that I got for her too,” Hassan said.

  “I’ll bring her back here before we go by my grandma. Let me go over there before she drives me crazy.”

  “Okay. I hope I start to feel better,” Hassan said, right before she left.

  As soon as she got into the car, Val called but she ignored her. She already knew what she wanted. More than likely, Santina was bothering them too. A few minutes later, an unknown number started calling and she ignored that call too. When Kimora pulled up, Tino was standing on the porch talking with Dirty.

  “Why you been ignoring my niece like that girl?” Dirty asked as he hugged Kimora.

  “Because she’s getting on my nerves,” Kimora laughed.

  “Where is my gift?” Tino asked her.

  “You better call and ask Venus. I’m sure she got you the best gift that social security can buy,” Kimora replied, making them laugh.

  “I’ll be back later. I’m going spend a few hours with my wife,” Dirty said.

  “I didn’t know that Miko had visits today,” Kimora replied.

  “Only because it’s Christmas. Special visit for kids and spouses,” Dirty noted before he walked away and got into his car.

  “Mommy!” Santina yelled when she walked out of the house and saw her mother.

  “Merry Christmas baby.” Kimora smiled as she picked her up and kissed her.

  “Can I get one too?” Tino stepped up to her and asked.

  He was shocked when Kimora puckered up and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. He was all smiles when they walked into the house. Santina jumped out of Kimora’s arms and ran to the kitchen.

  “Look mommy. My daddy got me a phone. I called you,” Santina said excitedly as she showed her mother her brand new iPhone. Kimora now knew who the unknown number that called her belonged to.

  “Why did you buy her a phone Santino?” Kimora asked.

  “Because she wanted one. My baby said you be taking your phone from her,” Tino replied.

  “I do if I have to use it,” Kimora pointed out.

  “Okay, well she got her own now.” Tino shrugged.

  Kimora sat there and watched as Santina opened
over thirty presents. Between Tino and his parents, she had way more than a child her age needed. Val had her a room set up at her house, so Kimora and Tino took all her gifts and put them away. Afterwards, Kimora gave her daughter a bath and got her dressed. Val’s party wasn’t starting until later and Kimora wanted Tina to go with her by her grandmother for a little while. Nita had some gifts for her too and everybody wanted to see her.

  “Aww, don’t cry my sweet baby. You’ll be back soon,” Val said as she comforted Santina. She was crying because she didn’t want to go with her mother, but Kimora wasn’t giving her a choice.