Heart Broken

by Sarah Alabaster

  “Nothing. I’ll talk with you later,” he said with a sharp tone.

  “We’re still working on the program tonight, right?”

  “Yeah, unless you made other plans.”

  What’s his problem?

  “Hey, is there something wrong?” Up until this point, I had thought everything was fine between us. I had thought we were good. I mean, the whole Friday night thing was a bit much, but I hadn’t thought too much about it. Heck, I hadn’t heard from him all weekend, so I had just figured that he was busy working on the program or something. “Did I do something?”

  “Nope, you did nothing.”

  Uh-oh, that didn’t sound good. Apparently, I was in trouble for some reason I couldn’t fathom.

  “Look, I gotta go. We’ll catch up later, okay?”

  Nodding my response, I wasn’t sure I wanted to say anymore since he seemed so upset with me. I decided to get through the day before tackling whatever his issue was with me. Grabbing my coffee and my treat, I made my way to class, on time for once. Then I took my seat, exhaling the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. Aside from Roger’s attitude, today had been fantastic.

  Ugh, this was what I’d been trying to avoid, and why I’d only wanted to hang out instead of getting involved with someone.

  ***

  Later, I walked toward our meeting place, not sure I really wanted to do this anymore. It was fun when we were synching and having a great time, but now with all this apprehension, I no longer felt like this was such a good idea. I needed to concentrate on school, not the drama involved in a relationship. As I approached our table, Roger sat with his laptop open, fully engaged in whatever it was he was doing, unaware of my presence.

  “Hi.”

  I wanted to try and keep myself as invisible as possible, unsure what the next few minutes would mean for us and the work we were trying to do. After we finished this, how hard would it be to work on the project? How would I get the credit for doing all this when we were no longer able to work together?

  I couldn’t stop the flow of emotions overwhelming me as I breathed out the simplest of words to him. It sounded so stupid, but I had the urge to run in the opposite direction. Then I decided against it, as this needed to be done. I had to put this to rest so I didn’t have to keep worrying over something that shouldn’t have started in the first place.

  To my surprise, instead of the cold greeting I was expecting, he sprung up from his seat and engulfed me in the biggest hug I’d ever been given from him, or anyone in my life. It was as though we hadn’t seen each other in years. His strange hug solidified my uncertainty. Apprehension and confusion took over, and I was awestruck to the point I couldn’t move, let alone return the hug.

  My arms pinned to my side, I stood there receiving genuine longing from someone I found myself caring about, way more than I probably should. Letting me go was not an option as his hot breath caressed my ear.

  “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “Sorry for everything. Please forgive me.”

  I was taken aback with his apology. Maybe I’d been overreacting to our earlier encounter. Then I heard myself apologizing back.

  “It’s okay, I’m sorry, too.”

  I wasn’t sure what I was sorry, exactly, but I just wanted to make this end. The fighting, the uncertainty, the not knowing. I just wanted it all to stop, and get back to the place we were before. That bubble where we had lived, enjoying each other without a care in the world. Maybe it was because I had just spent the whole weekend without him. Maybe it was because I hadn’t called all weekend. Maybe that was what had made him so unhappy with me. Whatever it was, we seemed to be making up now, so I let go of the questions clouding my mind and relished the feeling of him close to me once again. Chalking it up to some sort of miscommunication, I reminded myself to try harder so we wouldn’t have these issues in the future. Because somehow I knew it was me and not him that caused the tension between us.

  He seemed to have the ability to read my mind as he responded to my inner thoughts.

  “It was just that I missed you so much over the weekend. I really thought I’d hear from you, and when I didn’t, it devastated me.”

  See, that’s all it had been: a miscommunication. It was actually sweet that he had missed me so much. I’d have to remember to not disappoint him again.

  “Are you ready to work on the program?” he asked after several minutes passed with me in his arms.

  My mood had changed considerably from when I had first walked in to meet with him.

  “Yes, of course. Let’s get started.”

  I blinked back the tears threatening to fall and took a seat near him at the table.

  Removing my laptop from my bag, I began by opening my email to respond to any correspondences. Roger helped me with the responses today, which was different than usual, but he seemed to need the connection by doing this mundane task, so I took it for what it was and didn’t make a fuss over it. Normally I would have, but I could now see what he needed from me in order to keep us both happy.

  After several hours, we finished our work for the day, parting with a long, passionate kiss. We had a chance for a better tomorrow now, I was sure of it. One of beginnings and endings, one of great potential.

  With that one kiss, though, I was scared to death about what tomorrow might hold for me.

  Chapter Five

  By Friday I was looking forward to talking things over with Bethany. Things with Roger just didn’t seem right to me. He was off in ways I couldn’t pinpoint exactly, but I felt it whenever we were together. Though on the outside our relationship was all-sweet, on the inside I was worried about the way he’d acted last weekend—as well as the following Monday. Something wasn’t quite right with him, and I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, but I was pretty sure Bethany would know. She’s dated a lot more than I had, and seemed to have a real read on Roger by the way she’d warned me after he left.

  Roger hadn’t been thrilled about us parting again for the weekend. He seemed reluctant to be apart from me many times over the last several days, but I needed the girls’ nights. I needed to decompress with my best friend to figure out…me. I wasn’t sure I felt the same about the direction of this relationship with Roger. Bethany would know, though; she would guide me into the best way to handle this situation.

  As usual, our night passed by with giggles and unencumbered laughter as we poked fun at the movie playing on the television. I was so relaxed and happy that for the first time since last Friday, I didn’t feel the shackles of my relationship. I didn’t want to talk about the pressure of my uncertainty about Roger, which seemed to weigh at me most of the time. Instead I focused on the freedom the night offered and indulged in the simple happiness I felt.

  Around midnight I decided it was time to talk through my concerns about Roger with her. I wanted to get a feel for what she thought was going on. I was also hoping she could help me face the issues I felt unsure of how to handle. Resigned to talking about it, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

  “Bethany, I’m not sure about Roger, and I could really use your advice.”

  “Is this about last weekend?”

  She didn’t bat an eye, getting right to the heart of the problem.

  “Yes! That was a little weird, wasn’t it?”

  “Well, you are in a new relationship, and in the beginning, it’s all-consuming. But if you’re getting weirded out by it, then you should just tell him. That’s not the way you want things to be. Be upfront with him on how you feel the relationship should be going at this point. Remember that there are two people in this. If you’re not into the way he’s treating you now, you most certainly are not going to like it when he shows you who he really is.”

  “Really, you think I should just tell him? What would I even say?”

  “You could begin with asking him what the issue was last weekend. Have you tried that?”

  “Kinda. I mean, I asked why he was freaking out so muc
h, but he said he was just worried about my safety, and that he wanted to make sure I was okay. You know, especially with all the horrible murders going on around town.”

  “Those are miles away, and nowhere near here, but I understand. I did think it was cute how he was so concerned about you. Maybe he’s just trying too hard.”

  “You think?”

  Maybe I just wasn’t used to being with someone that cared so much about me. After all, how many relationships had I been in? Two, maybe three? And those weren’t anything close to the feelings I had for Roger.

  “Yes, maybe you should just try to make sure you guys communicate better. I’m sure that’s all it was.”

  I didn’t mention the rest of my problems with Roger as she seemed to be right about this. It had just been a miscommunication, and it was probably a fluke that we had even had a fight to begin with. Since I’d already decided to try to think more of his feelings, it now felt moot to talk any more about it. Concluding that I just wasn’t used to being with someone, we happily returned to our fun girls’ night.

  ***

  Months passed without any incidences or dramatic overreactions. I was feeling free with Roger by my side, and it seemed that my inclination toward something being wrong had clearly been a mistake. We were still together, and happier than ever. With the program updates drawing to a close and the time we spent together working on it coming to an end, a shift in the dynamics of our relationship might spell trouble, but I would just have to wait and see.

  Normally not one for patience, my thoughts still wouldn’t allow me to forget about the incident all those months ago. It seemed that no matter how much time passed, I still found it odd how he’d reacted to something so innocent. I was worried that something else was coming, and I felt it lingering in the air between us. Though his demeanor was anything but threatening, I found myself feeling the urge to run, and it was taxing in so many ways. I was jumpy now, when before I never felt skittish. I found myself constantly looking around as though I felt someone watching me, when in fact, no one was there. I just couldn’t put my finger on what had me so on edge, and it was driving me a little crazy. Maybe I should have ended the relationship a while ago, but I so enjoyed spending time with him.

  Bethany blamed my worries on my lack of experience with dating, but I thought it was more than that. It felt like more than that. I couldn’t keep waiting to see what would happen. For my own sanity, I needed to put an end to all this turmoil around me so I could function again. By the end of the week, this project would be over, and my free time spent working would come to a close as well. Our relationship would be all about us, without anything else getting in the way. All the excuses would be over and done with, and then we would see what we really were to each another. I was curious and scared to death at the same time, not sure which way this would go, but knowing one way or another it had to come to fruition and just be already.

  ***

  “How about we go to the movies on Tuesday?”

  Roger had been nothing but romantic and supportive since we’d finished the beta work on the program.

  “A movie sounds great, but I have an early class on Wednesday.”

  “Okay, how about we stay in instead and just have dinner together? I’ll cook.”

  “Really? You don’t mind?”

  Kissing me on the nose, as he smiled his brilliant megawatt smile.

  “Of course not. I love cooking, and I love spending time with you.” He tapped the tip of my nose with his finger and winked at me. “Why not combine the two?”

  I couldn’t help myself; I smiled at his playfulness, reveling in the attention he gave to only me. It was intoxicating and erotic in so many ways that I just didn’t want any of it to stop.

  I was bound and determined that the relationship would end once the program fixes ended, but that’s not at all what happened. From the moment the issues were resolved for this round of upgrades, Roger had spent every waking moment trying to spoil me rotten. He stayed in to make my favorite meals, he helped me study for my tests, and he even found the time to help me out around the apartment. Roger has become the epitome of what I’d always thought a boyfriend should be.

  “I’ll make my spaghetti with homemade sauce that I know you love, and you can do the dishes.”

  “No fair! I know you’re going to use every pot in the kitchen and leave me a mound of work in the process.”

  I pouted as he tried not to laugh, covering his mouth with his hand and watching me. Unable to stop himself, he gave up and started laughing.

  “That’s what cooking for someone is all about baby.”

  “Cute, but thank goodness I have a dishwasher. I’ll only have to do a few dishes instead of all of them.”

  Pulling me into his lap, he looked around the coffee shop, making sure no one was watching before slowly drawing me into a kiss that took my breath away.

  “Roger, there are people looking,” I said breathlessly against his ear, making him shiver in response.

  It was so hot knowing I could push his buttons this way.

  “I don’t care. You’re mine, and I can’t wait any longer to tell you. I love you, Clara. I love you so much.”

  “Oh Roger, I love you, too.”

  I was no longer concerned with the patrons around us. The two of us were lost in each other too much to care about the world as our passion ignited.

  Did I really care anymore? Well, kind of, but who was complaining? Certainly not me.

  “I can’t wait for Tuesday.”

  “Well, thank goodness it’s Monday then. The wait won’t be that long.”

  My lip curled ever so slightly as I took the few moments to make the connection.

  “Oh, what I want to do to your smart mouth.”

  “Why, Mr. Gentry, you are rude.”

  Bursting out laughing, I scooted off Roger’s lap, but then I noticed that he wasn’t laughing back.

  “I’m kidding.” Touching his knee he shakes his head and the cloud of something passes over his face as he regains his control. Hmm, never noticed that before.

  “I know you are. Let’s get a coffee to go and I’ll walk you back to your place.”

  Rising from the chair, I was contemplating the expression he’d had on his face, unsure what it could mean.

  Huh, maybe it is me.

  Shaking my head, I quickly caught up to him, and we made our way silently to my place. Everything seemed normal again, so I just chalked it up to another getting-to-know-him moment as I headed in for the night.

  Roger watched me go in, only leaving when I turned to wave my final goodnight.

  As I climbed the stairs, I was unable to explain the uneasy butterflies dancing in the pit of my stomach.

  ***

  Roger moved around the kitchen with ease as he prepared the spaghetti with homemade sauce, and I was simply mesmerized watching him. As predicted, he’d used more pots then I would have if I’d had prepared the meal, but that didn’t concern me because he was just so happy working away, preparing the meal. Working on the salad, he tried to coax me into finding something online to watch so we would have entertainment for later.

  Things looked and smelled wonderful, better than the finest meal we could have had going out to eat. Once the plates were set with the main course ready on the table, we looked at each other to toast our relationship. After all, this was the first time we’d said we loved each other, and we wanted to celebrate the fact that we’d found each other.

  As smoothly as things were going, nothing could have prepared for my inevitable klutziness when I accidently dropped the wine bottle, splashing the red wine across the carpet—along with both our feet. There was no getting around it. We were both drenched in red wine, our socks soaking in it as we stood there taking in the carnage that lay before us.

  “You fucking idiot!” he yelled. “What’s wrong with you?”

  “I’m sorry,” I said as I dropped to my knees, trying to grab the bottle before the entire
contents spilled out on the floor. “It was an accident.” I was trying to grab for the closest things I could clean up before the stains set in. “I didn’t mean to drop it, it just slipped out of my hands.”

  Using the napkins and kitchen towel, I blotted at the carpet, trying to soak up what I could before I grabbed the cleaner I kept in the hall closet for just this reason. I was a klutz, and I’d known this for a long time, so I always kept a running supply of cleaners to ensure I kept my deposit at the end of my lease.

  “Give me a break! I’m not buying the ‘it was an accident’ routine. You did that on purpose!”

  He continued to scream at me as he pulled his socks off.

  I couldn’t believe him right now. How could he think I would drop a bottle of wine on purpose? Who did that? What was wrong with him?

  “I didn’t drop it on purpose. As I said, it just slipped from my hand. You know how much of a klutz I am! These things happen, Roger. It’s really nothing to get so upset over. I told you I’m sorry. What more do you want me to say?”

  “The whole meal is ruined now! Why did I do all this work if you had no intention of having a good meal with me?”

  His voice was beginning to crack from the frustration he was feeling directly toward me, and I could see how mad he was getting, but I had no idea why he was being this way. The meal wasn’t ruined; I could easily just grab another bottle of wine.

  “I’m sorry.”

  Cowering while working on cleaning up, I found myself working on also settling Roger. He had make such a lovely meal, and now I guess it was ruined. I was questioning my own motives as he continued to hover over me. Of course, it had been an accident…right?

  “You did that on purpose, Clara. You just had to ruin it. Was it too good for you? I did something better than you, and you couldn’t stand it? Is that it? Is that why you had to go and ruin the meal I prepared for us?”