Defending Dani

by Kat Mizera

  She wouldn’t look at him but finally asked, “Sergei, how do you do this?”

  “Do what, sweetheart?”

  “How do you breathe when your heart is broken?”

  He swallowed. “You just put one foot in front of the other, day after day. One day you realize it stopped hurting at some point.”

  “That sounds awful.”

  “It is.”

  “And you’re doing it to me anyway.”

  “I’m doing it to protect you, baby. Please believe that.”

  “I don’t. I can’t. ’Cause then my heart would be broken for you, too.”

  “I don’t deserve your sympathy.” He pulled her against him and she buried her face in the hollow of his shoulder. He waved away the waitress when she came by to get their order, keeping Dani close to him.

  They sat at the restaurant for a long time, ordering drinks but neither of them had much appetite. Talking didn’t seem necessary and Dani didn’t move from where she’d had her head on his shoulder for a long time. Sergei kept one arm around her, wondering how stupid a man had to be to let a woman like her go. It would be better for her in the long run, but it sucked right now. Hopefully, hockey and her family would distract her.

  26

  Toli and Tessa had taken the kids somewhere and were still gone when they got home and Dani went up to their room. She stood in the doorway looking around sadly, memories of the last six days washing over her like a light summer breeze. She didn’t know if she wanted to kiss him or smack him, but then his arms were around her and she squeezed her eyes shut tightly. As if that would somehow make the pain of leaving him less acute.

  “What do you want to do?” he whispered.

  “I have to move my shit across the street to my brother’s, but I’d rather do that after you and Niko are gone.”

  “Okay. I think Toli is grilling tonight so everyone will be here and we can tell them what we’ve decided together.”

  “What you’ve decided.”

  He nodded. “Yes, but you said that’s not our story.”

  “I don’t even care about the story at this point,” she muttered, running her hand through her hair.

  “Would you rather I spent tonight at a hotel?”

  “No.” Her eyes puddled with tears.

  “Ah, baby, this is what I was afraid of, that no matter how honest we were, I was going to hurt you.”

  “It’s not hurt so much as…loneliness? I’m excited about my future, but without you and Niko, it feels a little empty.”

  “It won’t for long.” He rested his chin on her shoulder. “You’re going to be busy, and within a few weeks, you won’t have time to miss us. You’ll be working harder than you’ve ever worked in your life as far as hockey is concerned, making new friends, and getting ready for the Olympics.”

  “Feelings don’t just disappear because you’re busy.”

  “I know, baby. Believe me, if anyone knows that, it’s me.”

  They were quiet.

  “Let’s just get through tonight,” she said at last.

  “What do you want me to do?”

  “I want you to make love to me,” she said, slowly pulling her shirt over her head.

  “Honey…”

  “We’re alone. You’re leaving tomorrow. I need this. You asked what I wanted; that’s what I want.”

  He pulled off his shirt as well. “Then I’m in.”

  * * *

  The next morning, Sergei called the airline to delay his departure by a day and transfer Dani’s ticket to Sara. Dani had been gone before he woke up and he hadn’t heard from her yet today. Toli told him she was working out but it had been hours and there hadn’t been any sign of her.

  “You going to tell me the truth about what’s going on?” Toli asked when the kids were taking their afternoon naps and Tessa was upstairs doing laundry.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Dani didn’t decide she wanted to stay here because she missed her family. What did you do to make her not want to live with you in Anchorage anymore?”

  “I told her we had no future, that I wasn’t capable of loving anyone ever again.”

  Toli reached out and smacked him on the back of the head, cursing a blue streak in Russian, Italian, and German. “Are you fucking stupid?” he finally asked in English.

  Sergei scowled. “Don’t, okay? I’m doing what’s best for her, not for myself. It would be easy to let her get caught up in the romance, the fun, all the presents I can buy her and let her give up her dreams to raise my kid while I fly off all over the continent playing hockey. In what universe is that fair to her?”

  “The universe where you go home and love her back. The universe where she and your children are waiting at the door when you come in and their smiles light up your life. That universe.”

  “That’s your universe, big brother, and Dani isn’t Tessa. There’s nothing wrong with Tessa, but she wanted a man to take care of, to make babies with… Dani’s going to the Olympics and then she’s going to work for the Sidewinders. I’m not taking that away from her the way I did both Maria and Tanya.”

  Toli shook his head. “You took nothing from them. They loved you and they chose to go. Maria was never good for you, and you know it. Moving her to Russia didn’t end your marriage; the fact that she wasn’t the right woman for you did. And Tanya made choices, Sergei. We’ve never talked about this because it seemed wrong to speak ill of the dead, but dammit, she made the choices she made. By the time she got caught up in her father’s mob lifestyle, I was already in the NHL making a lot of money. I may not have been the perfect boyfriend, but she could have come to me. I would have taken her out of Russia and paid for her to go to medical school here. She chose to stay and get revenge on her father instead of walking away. It wasn’t until she got pregnant that she put someone before herself and agreed to move to the U.S.”

  “What the hell are you trying to say?” Sergei furrowed his forehead in anger.

  “I’m trying to say she did what she wanted and it had nothing to do with you. Not really.”

  “You’re saying she didn’t love me.”

  “On the contrary. I’m saying you and Niko were the only things she loved more than her need to get revenge on her father. She may not have ever realized it if you hadn’t gotten her pregnant.”

  “That was an accident.”

  “I know.”

  “Dammit, Toli, I don’t know what you want from me!” He got out of his chair and stalked outside even though it was a thousand degrees and he was already uncomfortable.

  Toli followed him slowly, leaning against the wall of the house and folding his arms across his chest.

  “All I want is for you to not make this mistake with Dani. She loves you. It’s all over her face. I thought her skin was going to crack from how hard she was trying to convince us last night that her staying here was her idea.”

  “The convincing was her idea, not mine.”

  “So you’re just going to leave her here?” Toli was shaking his head. “Sergei, I—”

  “It’s the right thing to do,” Sergei said firmly. “I’m not going to make her choose. Not again. Both of the women I’ve loved in my life got hurt because of me and I love Dani enough—”

  “So you do love her.”

  Sergei nearly growled at him. “Weren’t you the one who let Tessa go back to her husband because she had to come to terms with her failed marriage before she could truly be with you? I have to let Dani go, and I’m tired of having to convince people I’m right.”

  “Who else have you had to convince? Dani?”

  “Yes, Dani. And now Niko, although it’ll be a different type of conversation with him.”

  “You’re my kid brother and I love you,” Toli said slowly, “but you’re an idiot.”

  “Thanks.” He made an impatient motion with his hand. “Maybe in a few years I’ll retire from hockey, but until she’s had a chance to live, I’m not tying her down to my life,
my schedule.”

  “You’re thirty-three. You’re not retiring any time soon.”

  “Not all of us are you. I don’t want to play until I’m forty.”

  “I love the game, I make a lot of money, and I’m healthy. Why would I stop?”

  “I guess it’s different because you have someone at home helping you. I’m doing this alone now and it’s exhausting, even with a good nanny. Niko needs me, not a nanny.”

  “Which is why you need Dani.”

  “That’s not going to happen, so let it go, okay? And please, don’t mention this to Zakk. She’ll kill me. She asked me to allow her to retain some dignity with her family, so she’s not the girl who got dumped by her first and only boyfriend.”

  “Her first…” Toli narrowed his eyes. “You were her first boyfriend?”

  Sergei pursed his lips, unwilling to say anything else so personal and intimate about Dani. “Guys were intimidated by her and she was picky, so yeah, first adult boyfriend.”

  “Indeed.” Toli didn’t say anything other than, “Of course I won’t tell Zakk. I don’t want him to kill you.”

  * * *

  Dani took Sergei, Sara and Niko to the airport the following day. She’d kept her distance yesterday as he’d made arrangements for Sara and they sorted out the details, but she’d wanted to drive them today. She’d been too busy helping Sara pack and get organized to think much about what she would do when they were gone, but now that they were actually leaving, she wanted to be close to him for as long as possible. This wasn’t what she’d thought a breakup would feel like, because he wasn’t telling her he didn’t care about her. He just didn’t think he cared about her enough, which made no sense, because no matter how he tried to quantify his feelings, she always came to the same conclusion: Whatever he felt right now was enough to make her happy. Maybe he didn’t have it in him to tell her he loved her in words, but she felt it every time he touched her, every time they were together.

  “Why don’t we drop Sara and Niko at the terminal with the luggage and then go park so we can talk for a minute?” she suggested lightly.

  Sergei didn’t respond but nodded. He unloaded the stroller and luggage, unhooked the car seat and then got back in the car as Sara and Niko waited on the sidewalk. Dani drove to the hourly parking area and pulled into a spot, putting the SUV in park but unable to look at him.

  “What’s on your mind, honey?” he asked softly.

  “Is this it? We just go our separate ways like there was never anything between us?”

  “I think that would be easier for you, but Niko is going to take it hard.”

  “I know.” She sniffed, horrified she would cry in front of him. Again.

  “Damn.” He pulled her close.

  “If this is the right thing to do, why does it feel so wrong?”

  “Because I’m broken and I break everything around me.”

  “You’re not broken,” she whispered. “You’re not.”

  “Ah, baby, you’re too good for me.”

  When he kissed her she almost melted, her mouth opening under his and giving him everything she had. This was all that was left; he was really going back to Anchorage without her.

  He pulled away slowly and their eyes locked.

  “Don’t stay,” he whispered against her lips. “I’ll walk to the terminal and tell Sara you said goodbye. I’ll call you tonight so you can talk to Niko.”

  “Are we still letting him think I’m playing hockey now?”

  He nodded.

  “I can’t stand the thought that we’ll never see each other again,” she admitted sadly.

  “I know.” He stroked her hair, gently pushing it away from her face. “God, you’re beautiful, Maryanne.”

  She blinked away tears, managing a small smile. “You’re not too bad yourself, Wayne.”

  “I’ll call you tonight, see how you’re doing, and let you talk to Niko.”

  “Fly safe,” she whispered.

  He pressed his lips to hers one last time, hard, and then he was gone, jogging through the parking garage towards the terminal.

  27

  Dani got up and ran with Toli and Zakk every morning at five. It was better to run before the sun was up or it got too hot, so they did it early. Toli and Zakk normally ran every other day, but since Dani had gone on her own on their off days, they’d started going every day. Hockey season would start for them in a month anyway, so they didn’t mind ramping up their workout regimens. Dani worked harder, though, running every morning, weightlifting every other afternoon, and getting the old gang together to play hockey as often as they were available. Sometimes she ran at night, too, after the sun went down. Pushing herself physically was the only way to fight through the emotions she was dealing with and it was the easiest way to distract herself.

  It also kept her out of the house. She loved Zakk, Tiff, and the kids, but they were their own family, one that she wasn’t truly a part of. Zakk and Tiff often put the kids to bed and then went up to bed themselves, lost in whatever they did when they were alone together. She knew they had a great sex life because Tiff talked about it a lot, but she didn’t like to think about her brother having sex. Hell, she didn’t want to think about anyone else having sex right now because she missed it.

  She missed sex, she missed Niko, she missed Sara, and she practically ached for Sergei. Her mind, her body, her very soul longed for his touch, and if she hadn’t been living it, she would’ve laughed at anyone who said something like that aloud. She didn’t, of course. She usually told Sara those types of things, but not in the current situation. She didn’t dare tell Tessa or Tiff, because it would get back to Zakk, who thought she was fine and simply getting ready for hockey. No one knew how her heart broke a little more each day she didn’t hear from Sergei. Though she often spoke to Niko, it was through Sara and her contact with Sergei had dwindled down to almost nothing in the two weeks since he’d been gone. Sara said he was quiet too, keeping to himself a lot except when he worked out with Aaron. Otherwise, he spent time with Niko and went to bed when he did.

  Sara was lonely, too, but for different reasons. She said Sergei was polite but kept his distance unless it had to do with Niko, so she didn’t have anyone to talk to either.

  It sucked for all of them, Dani thought as she jogged home from her late-night run. She’d been restless tonight, so it was nearly ten o’clock and she was just getting back from a five-mile run. It probably wouldn’t be a good idea to get up at five to run yet again, but she wasn’t sure what else to do. Pushing her body was the only thing keeping her from losing her mind emotionally.

  “Hey.” Zakk’s deep voice resonated through the kitchen as she came in through the garage and she stopped, still breathing hard.

  “Hey. Why are you still up?”

  “Came down for a drink and noticed your bedroom door open. Tiff said you’ve been running a lot at night. Are you running in the morning and again at night, Dani?”

  She nodded. “Yeah, sometimes.”

  “You’ve been working out seven days a week for the last two weeks and you know as well as I do your body needs time to recover and heal.”

  “I’m heading into training,” she said lightly, grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge. “I’m fine.”

  “Don’t bullshit me, Dani. What’s going on?”

  “Nothing. It’s the Olympics, Zakk. I need to be in the shape of my life.”

  “You said you wanted to stay in Vegas because you missed everyone so much, yet we never see you unless we need help with the kids. Royce said he called to see if you wanted to go play pool with him and Tore and you said no.” Royce and Tore were his teammates on the Sidewinders, and Dani was close to them.

  “Tore wants to sleep with me and Royce uses me as a stand-in so girls leave him alone. I don’t have time for either of those things right now.”

  “Other than working out, what else do you do? Didn’t you stay so you could spend time with us? Your family and
friends?”

  “Yeah, of course, but—”

  “Oh, just stop.” He put up a hand, palm out. “What happened between you and Sergei?”

  “Nothing.”

  He shook his head. “I don’t believe he just randomly broke up with you, knowing you were leaving in a month anyway. A guy in his situation, where we’re all friends and practically family, wouldn’t do that. He would let you leave and then say the relationship fell apart because of the distance. Unless you cheated on him or something, but I’d bet my left nut you didn’t, so tell me.”

  “Zakk, I’m an adult and this is my personal life. Please leave it alone.”

  “Either you tell me or I’ll ask him,” he called after her as she headed for the stairs.

  “He’ll tell you to mind your own business too,” she called back.

  As soon as she got upstairs, she texted Sergei:

  My brother is fishing for info about what’s going on with us, so if he really does call you (he threatened to), tell him to mind his own business. Thanks. D.

  She got in the shower and let the lukewarm water course over her. It felt good. Her muscles were sore after going so hard the last two weeks. Zaak was right; she needed to give herself a day of rest, so she’d sleep in tomorrow and spend time in the pool with the kids. Maybe have a beer or two, watch a movie. It would be a good day to think of nothing. Especially not Sergei.

  After pulling on an oversized T-shirt and clean panties, she sat cross-legged on her bed and grabbed her phone.

  Three missed calls from Sergei and then a text:

  If you don’t pick up I’ll call Zakk myself.

  She called him back, shaking her head.

  “Dani?”

  “I was in the shower,” she said mildly. “I’d gone for a run.”

  “Why does Zakk want to talk to me?”

  “Because he thinks I’m working out too hard and you must’ve done something pretty bad for me not to want to go back to Anchorage with you.”