No Matter What

by Michelle Betham

  She changed into a Guns ‘n’ Roses t-shirt and jeans and sat cross-legged on the bed in her hotel room, flicking through once familiar TV channels, waiting for Kenny to arrive. She’d missed him. She missed the times they’d used to spend together, just the two of them. She missed being close to him. She shouldn’t have pushed him aside just because of her relationship with Michael because she needed her friend, maybe more than she should. She certainly needed him right now.

  A knock at the door made her jump up from the bed and she practically ran to answer it, flinging it open, and there he stood, one arm resting on the doorframe, his other hand shoved in his pocket, looking his usual scruffy but handsome self in faded jeans, heavy boots, white t-shirt and black jacket, dark glasses covering his eyes, a smile on his face.

  “You gonna let me in or not? This country is fucking freezing, no wonder you moved to L.A.”

  She smiled too, pulling him into the room and closing the door behind him. “Stop being so soft. You grew up in Canada so it’s not like you’re not used to this. Think yourself lucky it’s not snowing, this is mild, believe me.”

  He took off his dark glasses and hat and threw them onto the table, holding out his arms as she ran into them, flinging herself at him. He picked her up and swung her round, putting her down and hugging her tight. “You look tired.”

  “Thanks. You’re looking a bit rough yourself,” she replied, running her fingers over his bearded chin.

  “I’ve got an excuse, missy, I’ve not had time to do anything since being summoned here.”

  She looked at him. “You don’t mind, do you?”

  “Hey ... come on, I’m only joking, of course I don’t mind. I couldn’t get here quick enough.”

  She walked over to the window and looked out at the view of the River Tyne. Maybe a city centre hotel hadn’t been the best idea but she’d just wanted to see this city again, see it all lit up at night, see it at work during the day and remember the time when she’d been a part of it all. She needed some grounding.

  He came up behind her and gently touched her waist and she tried to ignore the jolt of electricity she’d felt as he’d done that.

  “Are you gonna talk to me now, India?”

  She turned round and walked over to the large sofas at the other end of the room, sitting down in the corner of one, hugging her knees to her chest. Kenny took his jacket off and threw it over the back of the sofa, sitting down beside her.

  Without saying a word she held out her left hand to show him the ring Michael had given her just a couple of days ago in New York. Kenny held onto her fingertips and looked at the platinum and diamond solitaire. He hadn’t even given her an engagement ring before their short marriage, there hadn’t been time. From deciding to get married to actually doing it had taken just a day for them. This was a completely different ball game here. Michael was doing things the right way and Kenny couldn’t help wondering, if maybe he’d done the same thing, would it have all been different?

  He looked at her. She really did look tired, her face pale despite the Californian tan. “Do I say congratulations?”

  She pulled her hand away and rested her chin on her knees. “I need to talk to him, I know that, Kenny. I need to tell him that I can’t do this straightaway.”

  “You don’t want to make the same mistake we did, huh?”

  She looked at him. Her handsome ex-husband. Her loyal best friend.

  “We weren’t a mistake, Kenny.”

  “Weren’t we?”

  She shook her head. “Maybe the speed at which we did things was but, us ... I don’t regret any of that. I could never regret you.”

  He looked down for a second. Everything he’d said to Terry in that bar the other night, that had all been true. There was so much he wanted to say to her but was now the right time?

  “A long engagement on the cards then, is it?” he asked, looking up at her, smiling slightly.

  She shrugged. “I don’t know. I really don’t know. When he asked me that night, when he asked me to marry him and I said yes without missing a beat I meant it, I really did, but now ... now I don’t know. It’s almost like I got caught up in all the excitement and just didn’t think about what I was actually doing.”

  “How do you feel right now?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Do you want to marry him?”

  She shrugged again. “We should have talked about it more. We haven’t really had time to talk about anything. I guess we might have done if I hadn’t come over here but ... but in a way I’m almost glad of the time on my own without him around to cloud my judgement.” She looked up at him again. “I’m really glad you’re here, Kenny.”

  He smiled, reaching out to take her hand, squeezing it gently. “I’m glad I’m here too.” If she needed him he’d always be there, no matter where she was. Or who she was with. “You know I’ll always be here if you need me. Always.”

  She looked into his dark eyes, all the confusion and uncertainty she was feeling was starting to give her a headache. Or was that the guilt? Because all of a sudden she knew exactly why she’d really asked Kenny to come here. She knew why she’d wanted to see him, so far away from everything and everyone else, and he had to know that reason too. He had to. “What are we doing, Kenny?”

  In his head he’d known all along why he was coming to Britain. He’d known what would happen; he’d hoped it would happen, even if it was the absolute wrong thing to happen. “I don’t know, India.” But he did know. They both knew.

  She should have gone back to L.A. with Michael; she should have walked away from this before it had even had a chance to get started because she was terrified that, once it did, she wouldn’t be able to stop it. She loved Michael; she loved him with all her heart, didn’t she? Yet she was about to make what could turn out to be a very stupid mistake but she was far too weak to turn her back on it. She couldn’t do it. She was scared but she just couldn’t do it. Because she didn’t really want to.

  She pushed herself up off the sofa and walked over to the window, knowing he’d follow and wanting him to. This was a game now, a dangerous game that neither of them should start playing but it was too late. It had already started; it was too late to stop.

  She closed her eyes as his hand rested on her hip and he slowly turned her round, making her look at him. She knew what she was about to get into but she needed something to take her away from the questions and confusion spinning round inside her head, although she should have realised that this was only going to add to that. She’d just suddenly become very good at ignoring things.

  He was about to say something but she shook her head, putting her fingers on his lips. His eyes were asking the same questions as hers, knowing as well as she did that taking this last step was going to take them past that point of no return and there’d be no going back from that and he should walk away, he knew that. He knew he should do that, he should turn around and just leave her but he was as weak as she was.

  “If we speak we can talk ourselves out of this, Kenny.”

  “Is that what you want?”

  She didn’t say anything. She couldn’t, because she didn’t know the answer. A few weeks ago she’d thought she’d had it all mapped out in front of her but now, well, things were different. She was pregnant and engaged and feeling as though everything was suddenly spiralling out of her control.

  She leaned back against the wall, keeping her eyes fixed on his all the time, putting one hand up beside her head as his fingers entwined with hers and all those old feelings came rushing back like a tidal wave, like someone had just opened the floodgates to her heart. All those feelings of excitement, of being turned on beyond belief as his eyes stared deep into hers, they all came flooding back until her head spun and her heart ached for all the wrong things she was about to do, for the pain she could cause with this selfish act but Kenny was like a drug she couldn’t give up. She’d tried, she’d gone cold turkey and she’d thought it had worked but he
was like an addiction that wouldn’t go away and she needed a fix, she needed a shot to take all the confusion away. A shot that only he could give her.

  And even as his mouth moved closer to hers, even as she could feel his breath on her face, his body pushing against hers, she was shaking her head, one last attempt to try and stop this from happening but it was too late. The game had already begun.

  His fingers tightened around hers as their mouths touched, the jolt it sent through her entire body almost making her jump as she felt him already hard against her leg, that familiar, almost rough kiss sending shivers up and down her spine.

  With his mouth still on hers he lifted her up onto the sideboard next to them, stopping the kiss only to pull off her t-shirt, loosening his own clothes with a desperation he couldn’t explain. He was scared to stop, scared to take his time incase this was just some unkind dream that would end if he slowed down.

  She lifted herself up slightly as he pulled down her jeans, slipping them down over her tanned legs which he then pushed open with some force, wanting to look at her, wanting to take in that body that had once been his but he was so desperate to get inside her that he couldn’t hold on any longer.

  He stopped only for a brief second; one fleeting second just to look into her eyes, just to make sure, just to know that she was needing this too, and then it was like coming home. She was warm and so ready for him, her legs wrapping around him as she threw her head back, his mouth brushing the base of her neck with lingering kisses before moving down to touch her breasts, his hands holding onto her waist as she arched her back.

  This was wrong, it was so wrong. She loved Michael, she did, but how could she love him like she thought she did if she was letting Kenny do this to her?

  But, as he moved slowly inside her, as she felt his mouth touch her skin, his fingers in the small of her back pushing her down onto him, she felt a feeling of calm wash over her. She had her fix, but now she knew there’d be consequences and the realisation hit her like a speeding truck. She was addicted, again. She’d let her weakness take over, that nagging voice inside her head had won, and she was back on a drug she should never have touched again. She was engaged to one of the most famous men in Hollywood, she was expecting his baby yet she was here, having sex with Kenny Ross – her best friend, her ex-husband; a man it was quite evident she couldn’t leave alone.

  She closed her eyes for a second. She just wanted to enjoy the feel of him there, wanting the kiss he was giving her to last just a few seconds more before the full weight of the guilt hit her. They’d crossed a line now and they couldn’t go back.

  He rested his forehead against hers, his hand resting on the back of her neck, her legs still wrapped around him. Whatever they’d just done there was no way to take it back now. But from the very minute he’d put the ‘phone down on her in L.A. yesterday he’d known this was going to happen. In the back of his mind, he’d known. And he could have stopped it from happening, by not coming over here, by being strong, but just the thought of touching her again had been too much for him. All the way over on the flight, every time he’d closed his eyes to try and sleep, the only thought going round in his head had been the thought that he could feel her naked body against his once more, just one more time, that’s all he’d wanted. Or so he’d thought. Now once just wasn’t going to be enough.

  She reached over and grabbed her t-shirt, getting up and retrieving her jeans from the floor. For a few seconds she couldn’t look at him. The guilt was too much.

  “India ...”

  “I shouldn’t be doing this to him, Kenny. It isn’t his fault.” She turned round and finally looked at him. “It’s not fair.”

  “I don’t know what to say, baby.”

  “There’s nothing to say.”

  He walked over and reached out for her hand, pulling her into his arms, his hands on either side of her face, making her look at him.

  “We can end it right here if you want to, India. We can say that was it, it happened, but it’s over. We can do that. I can walk away and we can go back to L.A. and carry on like we were before.”

  But, even as he said the words, he knew that wasn’t going to happen. What they’d done had brought old feelings back to the surface and to close the door on them now was an act that would take a strength neither of them had right now.

  “You know we can’t do that, Kenny.”

  It was no use fighting it. She was right.

  “I’m so scared,” she whispered, and she was, she was terrified. Terrified of what was going to happen now. In a matter of days she’d become a mess for reasons she wasn’t sure she could explain and letting Kenny Ross back into her life like this could be the worst thing she’d ever done. No, it was the worst thing she’d ever done. They worked as friends but this way they were dangerous, they shouldn’t be anywhere near each other like this. And they both knew that.

  He could see the stress in her face, the hours of thinking things over that must have been going through her head was so evident in her eyes and he hated that things had to be this way. All he wanted to do was love her and yet that was such a complicated thing to do.

  He kissed her open mouth gently, loving the taste of her. He’d never forgotten that taste. She reached up and touched his face, her fingers running over his rough, bearded jaw line, his dark hair falling down over his eyes.

  “I just want to be with you, Kenny. That’s all. I just want to be with you.”

  And, for the time being, that was all she was going to do.

  CHAPTER 22

  Michael had called her as soon as he’d got back to L.A. and just hearing his voice had made her feel sick with guilt. There was no way she didn’t love that man, no way he didn’t mean the world to her and she just hoped that he hadn’t picked up on the stress in her voice. How could she do this to him? How could she hurt him so badly when all he’d done was love her? And if he found out about Kenny being here - she didn’t even want to think about that eventuality.

  Almost as soon as Michael was off the ‘phone she got a call from Terry.

  “What are you playing at, India?”

  “Hello to you too.”

  He sighed. “I’m sorry ... are you ok?”

  “I’m fine thanks.”

  “Why’s Kenny over there?”

  “Does it matter?”

  “Not to me personally, no. But I think you should know how this is going to look if Michael finds out.”

  “And are you going to tell him?”

  “No. Of course I’m not. I’m not really intending to bump into him if I can help it. But there’s something you should know, India. Kenny ... he’s still in love with you. He told me as much. And I really think you should know that.”

  India didn’t say anything. Maybe she’d always known he still loved her but to have somebody tell you that he’d actually said the words ...

  “India ... what’s going on over there? I’m your brother, I know you, I know this isn’t normal behaviour for you. Why didn’t you just come back with Michael?”

  “I wanted to spend a bit of time here, Terry. It’s been good, seeing the old place.”

  “You’re spouting crap again, sis. You and Kenny ... what’s going on?”

  She looked up as Kenny came out of the bathroom. He hadn’t stayed the night. Neither of them had thought that was a particularly good idea, even if they were both staying in the same hotel. But he’d come to her room almost as soon as the sun was up.

  “India?”

  “There’s nothing going on, Terry.”

  She looked at Kenny as he leaned back against the wall, pushing his dark hair back off his face.

  “I’ve got to go.” She wasn’t really in the mood for the Spanish inquisition from her brother. That could wait until she got back to L.A.

  “Look, India ... just take care, will you? And be careful. Please. Whatever you’re doing ... just be careful. I love you, sis.”

  “I love you too, Terry.” She put the �
�phone down and looked at Kenny again.

  “He knows, doesn’t he?” Kenny asked.

  “I think he’s got a fairly good idea, yes.” She got up and went over to him, kissing him quickly. “Look, he’ll be distracted by this Charley business, he won’t care what we’re up to, not really.”

  Kenny circled her waist with his arm, pulling her closer. “It’s not really Terry we should be worried about though, is it?”

  “He won’t say anything to Michael. They’ll be lucky if they even see each other in the next few days.” She reached up to kiss him quickly again, then tried to walk away, but he pulled her back for a longer, deeper kiss.

  “Are you sure you want to get into this, baby?”

  He slid his hand up under her t-shirt, touching her skin, the feel of his fingers making her break out in goosebumps. “I don’t think we’ve got much choice, Kenny. Do you?”

  He shook his head. “No. I don’t think we have.”

  She pulled away from him and went over to the wardrobe, grabbing her coat, hat and gloves. “Come on. I haven’t come back to the North East of England to sit in a hotel room.” She smiled at him. “Even if I am with you.” She threw his jacket and hat at him, still smiling. “Come on, put those on. You’re going to need them, because I’m about to show you my life before L.A.”

  ***

  Both of them were about as disguised as they could be and in a way they were grateful for the freezing cold weather because it meant more layers to hide behind. Kenny wore black jeans and army boots, a black jacket, a hat pulled down until it almost hit the top of his dark glasses and a scarf wrapped around his neck and, because of the beard he was sporting at the minute, he was practically unrecognisable. India was dressed in combat pants and biker boots, a khaki three-quarter length parka jacket, her hair pulled back into a low ponytail and a black beanie hat covering her head. She had on very little make-up, which made her look much younger than she actually was. Maybe they’d just about get away with this.