No Matter What

by Michelle Betham

  It was a cold January day and India could remember days like this, when she and Charley had taken ages to get ready for work because they could never find anything warm enough to wear that still made them look good. She remembered those days like they’d happened only yesterday.

  People were few and far between as India got out of the car, locking it and walking round to Kenny, who was putting his dark glasses back on.

  “So …” he said, looking around him, “... where are we?”

  “This is a place called Tynemouth. We used to come here during the school summer holidays, me and Terry. Mum used to bring us sometimes, but it was mostly our Nan. The beach always used to be packed here in the summer. You couldn’t get moved for people ... come on ...”

  She took his hand and they ran across the road, down over the grass verge and onto the footpath overlooking the beach and the North Sea, taking shelter behind the small row of shops and the amusement arcade. She so badly wanted him to put his arms around her and let her snuggle into him but maybe that wouldn’t be wise, given the circumstances.

  “Down there, on that beach, is where my brother honed those football skills of his,” India said, looking at Kenny and smiling. “Ok, soccer skills, I keep forgetting.”

  “I can see you as a bit of a tomboy growing up,” Kenny said, his hands in his pockets, his shoulders hunched against the cold breeze.

  “Well, having a football mad brother meant I was never far away from anything sports related, and Terry used to use me as goalkeeper a lot. I guess I was never really a girlie-girl. It was never me. Not then, anyway. I’m kind of getting used to the dresses a lot more now though.”

  They walked along the path above the beach until they came to some steps that led down onto the sand. The biting wind was so far away from the warmth of L.A., the place India now called home, but she’d never forget her roots. So many people made that mistake and she was determined not to do that. This was where she’d grown up, where she had memories and history and it had been too long since she’d been back. It had been far too long.

  Kenny took her hand and helped her down the last couple of steps, reluctant to let her go, even when they reached the bottom. The only other people on the beach were much farther up the coastline, walking dogs; surely they wouldn’t even get a second glance. They just looked like any other couple taking a winter morning’s walk. So he kept hold of her hand and she seemed in no hurry to let go.

  “Do you ever wonder about your dad?” Kenny asked. “Your real dad, I mean. Do you ever wonder what he’s like? Where he is?”

  India stared straight ahead of her, hundreds of memories of summers spent here in this place suddenly flooding her head. Despite the more than dysfunctional family she’d grown up in they’d had some happy times too. And the man she’d called dad for all of her life had been a good man, most of the time, even if he wasn’t her biological father. Things hadn’t been so easy as her and Terry had grown older though. The relationship between him and their mother had deteriorated steadily as the years had gone on, and they’d eventually ceased to really care about their kids, leaving Terry and India to fend for themselves but that hadn’t been a bad thing in the long run. They’d learnt to stand on their own two feet fairly early on, giving them the confidence to make something of themselves and not follow in their parents’ messed up footsteps.

  If she thought about it, in the past few years, she had sometimes wondered where her real father was. Did she look like him? Did she have any of his personality? Was he even still alive? Just fleeting thoughts, every now and again, and probably due to the fact she’d been embarking on this whole new life she now had. She’d thought about a lot of things over the past few years. Her real father was just one of them.

  “I suppose I have thought about him, now and again.” She looked out to sea, focusing on a boat way out in the distance. “If he’s out there, though, and he knows who he is, why hasn’t he come looking for me?”

  “Would you see him? If he did try to get in contact?”

  She looked at Kenny and shrugged. “I don’t know. I hadn’t really ever given it any serious thought before. I mean, you hear so many stories about people getting in touch just because you’re now famous and wanting you back in their life, don’t you? Just because of what you can give them. It’s such a minefield, Kenny. Especially now, but ...”

  They stopped walking and he turned her round to face her. “But what?”

  “Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”

  “No, come on, India. Part of the reason I’m here is because you wanted to talk and I’m here to listen. I know you’ve got a lot on your mind right now, so, maybe it’ll help just to get it out there.”

  She sighed. “With the baby and everything ... oh Jesus, I can’t talk about this baby, Kenny. I can’t even think about it.”

  “It’d be nice to have a dad around though, wouldn’t it? At a time like this?” He tilted her face up and kissed her quickly. He didn’t really want to think about the fact that she was pregnant either but it wasn’t going to go away. There was so much they both had to face up to and it scared the hell out of him.

  “I can’t even begin to think about finding somebody I don’t have the first idea about, Kenny. I have no clue about him. Nobody ever told me anything and right now I’m not into looking for needles in haystacks. There’s too much going on without adding to it.”

  He let his arm fall around her shoulders as they continued walking along the damp sand, moving closer to the waters edge, and she clung onto his waist, leaning into him as they walked. She remembered how bleak this place could look in the winter, but as the sun suddenly came out from behind the dark clouds that had threatened rain, it cast a light across the sea that seemed to instantly brighten everything up and she found herself shielding her eyes from the glare.

  “You said you didn’t want to think about this baby, India. Why?”

  “Because I’m scared.”

  He stopped walking again and looked at her. “That’s only to be expected, but there’s more to it than just being scared, isn’t there?”

  She looked up at him, knowing he shouldn’t be here, she shouldn’t be here, she should be back home in L.A. with her fiancé, back in the house they shared, making plans for this child, for their wedding, but suddenly the thought of all that just made her want to run. Terrified didn’t even begin to describe it. How could everything have changed so quickly? In the blink of an eye her whole perspective had changed, or that’s what it felt like, anyway.

  “I just don’t know if I’m ready for it all, Kenny. And being a mum ... it’s all going too fast and I should have spoken to Michael before now, before it got this far, but … how can I do that to him?”

  “Do what?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. How can I let him know that I’m not as excited as he is about becoming a parent? I thought I was. I really did. When Dr Goldman told me I was pregnant I really thought that was it, my life was sorted, I had it all. But nothing’s ever that simple, is it? Things never work out the way you think they will.”

  “And what about marrying Michael?”

  “I don’t know, Kenny. I just don’t know anymore.”

  “Have I made it worse? Coming over here, seeing you ... have I made it worse?”

  “No!” She looked at him again. “No, Kenny, no. I asked you to come here, I wanted you here.”

  “And you knew what would happen if I came. Didn’t you?”

  She said nothing for a second, looking past him to the vast expanse of sea behind them, the sun skimming off the surface, making her squint slightly.

  “India?”

  She pulled his dark glasses off his face and looked into his eyes. “You knew too, Kenny. You knew what would happen just as much as I did.”

  “And I wanted it to happen,” he said quietly. “I wanted this to happen and I’m sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “For messing up your life.”

  “Kenny ...”<
br />
  “No, it’s wrong, India. This is wrong.”

  “So walk away. Go on, walk away. Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t want this and we’ll forget about it. It stops right here if you can look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t want me.”

  He looked at her, every ounce of him wanting to do the right thing and stop it dead, right now, just like he should be doing but he couldn’t. If he looked her in the eyes and told her he felt nothing, if he told her he didn’t want this, if he told her he didn’t want to touch her or kiss her, if he told her he didn’t want to make love to her - if he told her any of that he’d be lying. And she’d know it.

  He shook his head. “I can’t do that.”

  She reached up to touch his face. “You’re freezing.”

  He put his hand over hers, looking deep into her eyes. He’d never stopped loving her, not really. He wasn’t sure he ever would. And what they were getting into here was going to hurt so much but if neither of them had the strength to walk away then what could they do?

  “You do understand what we’re doing here, don’t you, India?”

  She nodded, still looking up at him, his hand holding tightly onto hers.

  “And you understand that I can’t leave Michael. I won’t leave him. But I can’t do without you.”

  He knew that, he knew all of that and it hurt like hell but he knew it. “I know.”

  “You’ll always be in my life, Kenny. You’re the one constant thing that I know will always be there and that won’t change. Whatever happens, please don’t let that change.”

  He pulled her close, wishing things were different but knowing reality wasn’t always that fair. “I will never be out of your life, India. I’ll never, ever leave your life. And that’s a promise.”

  “No matter what?”

  “No matter what,” he smiled, and she smiled back, a smile that hid just how frightened she really was about what she’d just walked into. Kenny wasn’t safe, he wasn’t reliable, he wasn’t anything Michael was but she needed him so much right now and she couldn’t give him up. Not yet, anyway.

  “Come on,” she said, her hand still clinging onto his. “Now the sun’s out it’s not so bad here, is it?”

  He smiled too. “No. It’s not. Does it ever get warm though?”

  “Sometimes,” she laughed.

  They started walking back up the beach, towards another set of steps leading back up onto the footpath.

  “Here ...” India said, handing Kenny his dark glasses. “Put these back on.”

  Without them it was easier to tell who he was and she wanted to avoid that if they could help it. He slipped them back on and squeezed her hand.

  “Did you ever think about becoming an actress? Before all of this, I mean? Had it ever been something you’d wanted to do?”

  “It wasn’t the kind of job they guided us into in our school careers sessions.” She looked at him out the corner of her eye, smiling slightly. “Mind you, there was one particular movie of yours where both me and Charley wouldn’t have minded being your leading lady.”

  He smirked. “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah, and that’s all the info you’re getting. Your ego’s big enough as it is.”

  He put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her in next to him. “When we get home, that’s when it really starts to get difficult, doesn’t it?”

  She nodded, resting her head on his shoulder as they walked, her arm tight around his waist. She didn’t really want to think about it, she didn’t want to know how she’d feel when she saw Michael again, when she’d have to pretend that this baby was the most important thing in the world to her when she wasn’t sure that she’d ever feel that way. She was mixed up, confused and tired with the sudden weight of everything that had landed on her shoulders and all she really wanted to do was curl up in a corner and hide away from it all.

  She stopped and looked at Kenny. They had so little time left alone now and she wanted to spend that time with him in a way she may never get the chance to do once they were back in L.A.

  “Let’s go back to the hotel.”

  He tilted her chin up and kissed her mouth gently. “I like that idea.”

  She smiled, both of them knowing these last few hours were precious. Wrong, but precious. But grabbing them with both hands was the only option left before reality hit them right between the eyes. Kenny Ross was back in her life. And India had no idea what that now meant. She had no idea at all.

  CHAPTER23

  “You’ve got to speak to her, Reece. You’ve got to tell her you’re her father, for fuck’s sake, you can’t keep it quiet forever! It’s getting ridiculous! And you’ve got to speak to her about Kenny.”

  Reece looked up at Terry, who was leaning against the wall of his on-set trailer, his arms folded, an agitated look on his face.

  “I can’t speak to her until I see her, Terry. And why have I got to talk to her about Kenny?”

  “Because he was over there in Britain with her.”

  “He was?”

  Terry nodded.

  “But, Michael ...”

  “Michael’s back here, I know.”

  Reece turned round in his chair and looked at Terry. “Ok, I’m slightly confused now. What’s going on?”

  “I know as much as you ... I mean, I don’t know for sure, but I think Kenny still wants my sister. I know he still loves her because he told me ...”

  Reece held his hands up. “Ok, ok! Will you slow down now, please?”

  Terry was up to his eyes in stress. Not only was he worried about just what India was getting herself into, but he’d also managed to track Charley down to the house she shared with Jimmy Cash, thanks to one of Kenny’s contacts who’d let him know she’d regularly been seen leaving a large, gated estate high in the Hollywood Hills. So Terry had driven over there, parked his car outside the house he’d been led to believe she was living in and waited to see if he could catch a glimpse of her. And he’d managed to catch the very briefest of glimpses when a black Chevrolet had driven out of the gates with the back window open. He hadn’t seen her close up but he’d known it was her, even with the blonde hair. He’d known that was Charley.

  He’d followed the car as it had driven into L.A., into a part of the city he wasn’t familiar with and didn’t feel altogether comfortable in, but he’d wanted – he’d needed to see where she was going.

  The car had stopped outside a row of what looked like old and disused garage buildings but it had been obvious something was happening there due to the amount of vehicles parked outside, and he’d watched from across the street as she’d got out of the car, a tall, dark haired, big built man taking her arm and almost dragging her inside. Terry guessed they were filming in there.

  He’d been back every day for the past couple of days. He now knew where she was, and he wasn’t about to lose track of her again.

  “Terry?”

  Reece’s voice shook him back to reality.

  “India and Kenny ... what’s the story? What’s going on?”

  “Why else would she want him over there, Reece? When Michael’s over here? Why else would she want Michael out of the way?”

  Reece sighed. It seemed as though his life was just one huge line-up of complications at the minute. “I don’t know, Terry. I was kind of hoping you were going to tell me.”

  Terry just looked at him as though the answer should be obvious. “I think it’s kicking off again, Reece. India and Kenny. I think it’s all starting up again.”

  Reece got up and walked over to the sink in the kitchen area, picking up a glass from the draining board and filling it with water from the cooler.

  “They’re friends, Terry. Those two have got a relationship that we’ll never understand so, maybe you’re just jumping to conclusions.”

  “So why doesn’t she want Michael to know he’s been over there with her?”

  Reece just shrugged, but he had a bad feeling about this. Something had never felt right
about her relationship with Michael. He’d never been able to put his finger on exactly what but if Terry was right, and Kenny was with her to offer more than just friendship, then this was going to be one big mess India had got herself into. And he couldn’t stand by and let that happen.

  “She’s pregnant. She wouldn’t do anything stupid.” Reece took a drink and put the empty glass back down on the draining board, hoping he was right.

  Terry just raised an eyebrow. “This is Kenny Ross we’re talking about here.”

  Reece looked at his watch. He had to be back on set any time now and he could do without this on his mind. “Isn’t India due home today?”

  “She’s probably back already,” Terry replied, checking the clock on the wall opposite. “And I know that Kenny’s arriving on a flight later tonight.”

  Reece looked surprised. “They’re not flying back together?”

  “No. They’re not flying back together. If they had nothing to hide, why take separate flights, huh?”

  Reece pushed a hand through his hair. He was sure he was going greyer by the day with the amount of crap he had on his mind.

  “Couldn’t it just be that she doesn’t want Michael to jump to any conclusions?”

  “Bullshit! She could have just told Michael that Kenny was coming over to the U.K., she could have just said she wanted to spend some time with her friend but instead she’s gone all cloak and dagger. Will you talk to her? She’ll just accuse me of nagging, she always does, but she’ll listen to you.”

  “You think?”

  “I just don’t want to see her hurt again, Reece. I mean, Kenny’s a mate now and I like him, I like hanging out with him but ... he’s hurt her once and I don’t want him to do it again.”

  “No, neither do I,” Reece sighed. “Ok, I’ll talk to her. I’ll pop over and see her later.”

  “And the other thing?”

  “Let’s just see how it goes, alright? Too much thrown at her at once might not be the best idea.”