Break Me Down

by Jennifer Domenico

  “What’s the truth?”

  “That we realized we have feelings for each other, and we’re exploring them together. We’ve mutually agreed to end your therapy. I’ll tell her I was defenseless against your charms.”

  She laughs. “You will not.”

  “I might leave off that last part.” I look at the door. “I’ll handle it. Come here.”

  She stands, letting the blanket fall away. I pull her nude body close, burying my face in her soft hair. “I’ll be back as soon as possible.”

  “Okay.” She looks up. “Just remember, no matter what she says, she can’t hurt you. You’re a strong, successful, beautiful soul in spite of what she did. You’ve devoted your life to helping hurt people. All she’s done is cause hurt.” She caresses my cheek. “And remember that you have a woman that loves you waiting for you.”

  “I won’t forget any of it.” I kiss her again. “See you soon.”

  “Bye.”

  I pull myself away and walk out to talk to Lina. I find her sitting at the dining table. That’s when I realize she’s crying.

  “Why are you crying?”

  She looks up. “Are you going to fire me?”

  “Why would I do that?” I sit in the chair next to her. “Because you came in my room?”

  “You told me never without your permission. I panicked when I went into Miss Kaia’s room, and she wasn’t there. I didn’t think. I’m so sorry.”

  I take her hand in mine. “Calm down, okay. Take a deep breath. It’s okay.”

  She sniffs and wipes her eyes with her apron. “Okay.”

  “I’m sorry that you walked in on that. You’re probably very confused about why she was there.”

  “No,” she says, shaking her head. “I’m just happy she’s safe.”

  “You’re not shocked?”

  “No.”

  “Why?”

  She smiles. “I knew she was different from the day she arrived. It’s none of my business, but I’m happy for you. It makes me smile to see you with a woman. Especially that woman.”

  “That woman?”

  “Miss Kaia is special. I can’t put my finger on what it is exactly, but she has an energy about her that I can feel. It doesn’t surprise me that you could feel it too.”

  “Yes, she does. Just so you know, we ended her therapy, and no longer maintain a professional relationship.”

  “I don’t care, Dr. Scott.” She smiles. “I know you’re a good man and a great doctor. You know what you’re doing.” She pats my hand. “Thank you for being kind to me.”

  “No, Lina, thank you.”

  “You’re going to work?”

  “No, I have a long overdue meeting to attend to. Please make sure Kaia eats breakfast, and I apologize in advance for the state of my bedroom.”

  Lina smiles. “I guess it was a good time then.”

  “The best of my life.” I wink, before putting my coat on and heading downstairs.

  Sitting in the car, I call my bedroom phone, hoping Kaia will answer. After four rings, she does.

  “Hello?”

  “I’m glad you answered.”

  “Hi.”

  “Everything’s fine with Lina. She was worried she was in trouble. I assured her she’s not.”

  “Oh good. She didn’t freak seeing me in your bed?”

  “Not at all. In fact, she said she knew you were different, and that you have an energy that other people can feel.”

  “That’s so sweet.”

  “I guess I’m not the only one pulled into your force field.”

  “I love you, Oliver.”

  “I know, baby. I’ll see you soon.”

  “Okay.”

  I hang up and lean back in the seat, trying to ignore the building knot in my stomach over what I’m about to do.

  I LOOK AROUND for my nightgown when the door opens again and Lina walks in carrying a robe for me. She hands it to me, smiling.

  “I’m sorry I barged in, Miss Kaia.”

  I take the robe, putting it on. “No apology needed. I’m sorry you were caught off guard.”

  “I was afraid you were gone or something happened to you when I didn’t see you in your room.”

  I smile. “Here I am.”

  “Yes. I’m going to clean the room so it’s ready when Dr. Scott returns.”

  I nod. “I’ll go to my room.”

  “I changed your bedding and set your breakfast out.”

  “Thank you.”

  I walk past her, but she stops me, lightly touching my arm. “Can I tell you something, Miss Kaia?”

  “Of course.”

  “Dr. Scott is,” she pauses, looking for the words. “He is a very intense man. In five years, I could maybe count on one hand the times I’ve heard him laugh.” I nod as she continues. “I’ve wondered many times why such a handsome successful man couldn’t find love, and I realized I don’t think he wanted it.” She takes my hand. “Then you came here and everything changed. He sleeps more, he eats breakfast, his voice is softer when he speaks to me. His eyes are kinder. You changed him. I hope you’ll never leave.”

  I smile. “Thank you, Lina. I don’t want to leave, but we haven’t talked about anything in the future yet. It’s all so new and unexpected still.”

  “Yes. I hope though.”

  “Me too.” I take a deep breath. “I’ll be in my room.”

  “Yes, Miss Kaia.”

  I walk down the hall and enter my room, flopping down on the bed. I’m worried sick about his meeting today. I know it was the right thing to do. He taught me that. I just hope he doesn't hate me for ripping the scab off.

  I SIGN MY NAME IN and wait for the guard to lead me to the visitor room. I don't know how it’s going to feel to see her after all these years. Sitting at the table, I fold my hands and wait. Thirty minutes pass before the door opens and a woman I don’t recognize enters. That can’t be her. Can it?

  She walks toward me and only when she’s close and I see her eyes, do I realize it’s her. The years have etched deep lines in her face, and her once vibrant blonde hair is white and thin. She's heavy now, her slim figure long gone. She sits across from me with a blank expression on her face.

  “Denise,” I say, calmly.

  She stares at me, and I wonder if she understands that it’s me. Then a tear trickles down her cheek.

  “I can't believe it’s you,” she says, quietly. “After all these years you came.”

  I nod. “It was time.”

  “How old are you now?”

  I blink slowly. “That doesn’t matter.”

  She nods. “Why did you come?”

  I clench my jaw together. She will not see me cry. She doesn’t deserve it. “I want answers.” I lean forward. “How could you look at a five year old boy and shove his face between your legs?”

  Denise flinches at my words and looks down at the table. “Because I was sick. I am sick.”

  “Sick?”

  “I’m a pedophile, Oliver,” she says, as tears cloud her eyes.

  “Obviously.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You’re sorry?” I practically spit the words. “Do you understand the damage that you did? You tore me away from my father, the only family I had. You made me do things no child should ever see, much less do. You wounded me. You may as well have stuck a knife in my heart.”

  More tears fall down her cheeks. “I couldn’t control it. I didn't mean to hurt you.”

  “Well you fucking did.” I stand and pace the table as the guard eyes me. I lift my hand to calm him. “You know why I’m here, Denise? I’m here because I met a woman that loves me so much she wants me to heal. I’m here in the hope that once I do this, I will find the capacity in my heart to love her back.” I lean my hands on the table. “I have suffered my entire life because of what you did to me. Does that mean anything to you?”

  She nods, wiping her eyes. “I can't take it back. I would if I could. I swear I would.” She tries
to touch my hand, but I pull it away. “I wrote you so many letters, but they all came back unopened.”

  “I don’t want your words.”

  “What do you want?”

  I stare hard at her. What do I want? Why did I come here? I sit back down and lower my head, remembering what I know to be true.

  “I came here to forgive you.”

  Denise gasps, covering her mouth.

  “Not because you deserve it, but because I don’t deserve to live with this anymore. Forgiveness isn't for the offender. It’s for the victim. I forgive you for taking my innocence from me.” I watch as she breaks down completely sobbing. “I forgive you for ruining my father’s life and creating the pain that tore us apart. I forgive you for all the children you harmed. Because of you, I help people that have been hurt by people like you. Because of you…” I pause, my words choking on the emotion clogging my throat. I swallow and regain my composure. “Because of you, I have an amazing woman in my life. So what you destroyed with your actions, also led me to the one person who will never hurt me.”

  “That’s wonderful.” She sniffs. “I know you won’t believe me, but I pray for you every day.”

  “Save it.”

  “No, I do. I pray that you find it in your heart to release the pain I put there. I’m so sorry, Oliver. I know they’re just words, but I don't have anything else to give you.”

  I stare at the trembling woman in front of me. All of a sudden the rage and disgust I felt just minutes earlier is gone. She’s pathetic, a sick person that preys on children who can’t defend themselves. I don’t have to ask to know that she was molested, too. Hurt people, hurt people.

  “Like I said, I’m letting it go.”

  “I’m glad. I can die knowing at least you’re not suffering anymore.”

  “Die?”

  She nods. “I have lung cancer. Thirty years of chain smoking will do that.” She looks at her hands. “They say it’ll be any day now.”

  “I see.”

  “Your father came about six months ago.”

  “He did?”

  “Yeah. We had a similar conversation except, I don’t think he’s forgiven himself for how he handled it. I know he’d like to hear from you.”

  “I don't know where he is.”

  “California.”

  “Oh.”

  “I’ve encouraged him to contact you, but he doesn't think he deserves you in his life. Just food for thought, Oliver, but I know more than anyone how precious life is. I’ve lived here for so many years, I've lost track of time. I’ll die here having forgotten what life was like before. Life is shorter than you think. Don’t let what I did keep you apart.”

  “I’ll consider it.”

  “I know you didn’t come here to make me feel better. I get that. I just hope that someday you’ll look back on this meeting and realize that you did the right thing.”

  I nod stoically.

  “I’ve heard all about you. I watch you on talk shows, and I even read one of your books. I’m happy you’ve had success in your life.”

  “Professionally.”

  She smiles. “Look at you and the man you’ve become. I know I took a lot away from you, Oliver. Too much, and it could never be given back. I’m disgusted that I was ever that person.”

  “And?”

  “And it takes a strong person to rise above it and make something of themselves. I hope you know that.”

  “Of course I know that.”

  She nods. “Take care of yourself, Oliver, and this woman that loves you.”

  “I will.”

  “Thank you for coming here today.”

  I nod and wave for the guard to lead Denise to her cell. She turns back and looks at me as tears continue to stream down her face. I don’t hate her anymore. All those years of pain and now it’s just over.

  I need Kaia, but first, I need to do one more thing. I need to talk to the one person, besides Kaia, who knows everything. Standing outside, waiting for the car, I pick up my phone and dial.

  “Hello?”

  “Professor Dixon? It’s Oliver Scott.”

  “Oliver,” he says, with a smile in his voice. “How the heck are you?”

  “Uh, I’ve been better.”

  “Oh no. Did you relapse?”

  “No, it’s worse than that.”

  “What could be worse than that?”

  “I think I fell in love with my client.”

  AN HOUR LATER, the car pulls up in front of Professor Dixon’s house. I knock on the door and wait. When he opens it, he smiles and lets me in.

  “It’s good to see you,” he says. “I can’t wait to hear what’s going on.”

  “I finally found a woman that gets me, but I’m scared to fuck it up.”

  “Let’s get some coffee and talk about it.”

  I nod, following him to the study. After sitting and greeting his wife, I rub my forehead. “I didn't know who else to call. I just need to talk.”

  “You know I’m always here for you.”

  “I know.”

  “Why don’t we start from the beginning.”

  I nod. “Okay.” I tell him how we met, why, and how the evolution of our relationship occurred.

  “What is it that makes you feel like you might be in love?”

  “I just have these intense feelings every time I see her face. At first, it was physical, definitely. She’s stunning. She’s…” I pause searching for the best words. “She’s so beautiful, and sweet, and funny. She’s emotional and raw. Her eyes can break your heart and heal it all with the same glance. I realized quickly that she saw through my bullshit. She knew it was a front, and she called me on it. One day at a time she chipped away at the stone covering my heart.” I stare into my coffee cup. “She told me that she’s the sun, and she would cover me with her warmth forever.” I look up. “I have to remind myself every day that it’s not just a dream.”

  “That definitely sounds like love,” Professor Dixon says smiling. “Why are you concerned?”

  “I’ve never been in love. I don’t know how to do it.”

  “Do you think there’s a manual, Oliver?” He shakes his head. “We all learn just by doing.”

  I nod. “That’s what she said.” I rub my hands together. “I guess I don’t know how to transition from here. She can’t just stay hidden in my house forever. I’m worried people, especially her father, will think the wrong thing.”

  “You’re worried they’ll think your relationship with her is inappropriate?”

  “Right, and sometimes I wonder if it is. What if I did cross the line? What if she’s not really in love with me, but just thinks she is?”

  “Do you really believe that, Oliver? Or is that just your fear talking?”

  “I don't know anymore.”

  “Want to know my take?”

  “I do.”

  “I’ve known you a long time, a decade at least. I’ve seen you at your best and your very worst. What I’ve never seen, until today, is you in love. I don't know how Kaia feels about anything, but I know you very well. You need to talk to her about how to handle the future. The only way you're gonna know how she feels, is to ask her. Wouldn’t you rather be planning your future with her than sitting here with an old man and a cup of coffee that’s getting cold?”

  I smile and nod. “Yeah, that would be better.”

  “Good.” Professor Dixon smiles. “I wish Kaia had been a student of mine. Sounds like she shares your aptitude for understanding people’s souls.”

  “She’s a natural.”

  “Let me know what happens.”

  “I will. Thanks for talking.”

  “Anytime. You know that.”

  I nod and shake his hand. Standing outside, I look up at the sky as it starts to snow. I can see the glow of the sun trying to fight through the clouds, and it brings a smile to my lips. I know what to do now.

  MY DOOR OPENS, and I turn around to see Oliver. He walks towards me quickly, and wh
en he reaches me, he takes me by the wrist pulling me into him. He squeezes me so tightly all I can do is hold him.

  “Oliver?”

  He doesn’t answer me and just continues to hold me in his arms. Several minutes later, he finally loosens his grip on me and gazes into my eyes.

  “Kaia…”

  “What is it, baby? You can tell me anything.”

  He nods. “I know.” He cups my face and kisses me softly. “I’ve told you before that I wouldn’t recognize love, but that isn’t true. I do. I feel it all the way down in my bones, and I was fighting just because I was scared.” I smile as he continues. “You told me that love would teach me how to love back. Do you remember that?”

  “Of course.”

  “I hope you were right. You deserve an amazing man, and I want to be that for you. Kaia, I love you.”

  Tears flood my eyes as he smothers my face in kisses.

  “I love you, and it’s the first time in my life I’ve known what that is and what it’s supposed to look like. It’s the first time I could define the way you make me feel when I see your face, when you smile, when you laugh, and the way my heart races when your eyes meet mine. I’m sorry it took me so long to get here. I’m afraid you think I don’t love you back.”

  “I knew you loved me even without the words. Your actions have always shown me. I wanted your words though. I wanted them so you knew what I’ve known all along.” I kiss him softly. “How did it go? Are you okay?”

  “I am. It was weird. She’s old now and dying of cancer.”

  “Oh wow.”

  “She said it could be any day now. It was so strange to see her face again. At first I was so angry and all of it came to the surface. Then I remembered all the advice I’ve given to other people in this situation over the years. I said what I had to say and nothing she said made any difference to me. I just needed to get my own words out. I needed to forgive, and I was shocked that it was easy. On my way there, I thought there’s no way I’m walking out of there feeling good about this, but on the way home, I wished I had done it sooner.”

  “You weren’t ready sooner.”

  “Good point.”

  “So, better now?”

  “Better now.” She caresses my cheek. “After that, I went to visit with Professor Dixon, my mentor.”