Clarity

by Gabbie S. Duran

  The words hit me like an arrow straight to my heart, leaving me breathless and indecisive of what I should do. Believe him and forgive him, or walk completely away while I still have the chance? Oddly enough, I follow my heart and forgive.

  “Don’t lie to me anymore,” I demand.

  “Never again,” he declares before pulling me forward and fusing our mouths together. His kiss is gentle, as if he’s conveying his promise with just this one kiss.

  My arms automatically wrap around his neck. His hands gently tug at my hips, lifting me towards him. Understanding his request, I straddle his hips, our lips never severing their contact. The kiss instantly takes away all the worry I had arrived with earlier.

  I can feel my heart speeding with every second passing, growing excited with knowing I’m allowing myself to let go. Just as quickly, it comes to an end when the doorbell rings. Startled, I break our kiss as I blankly look down at Nick.

  He looks toward the door with confusion as his housekeeper—who is apparently still here—greets the visitor. My wayward mind had completely forgotten she was still in the apartment. I’m embarrassed at the thought of how indecent we must have looked just a moment ago.

  My mind doesn’t have a moment to register the thought before there is bellowing coming from the foyer. “Nick is always willing to see me,” says a female voice.

  Jumping as fast as I can to climb off Nick, he’s already standing to leave me sitting on the couch. Turning to see what he is so anxious to get to, a blonde is already lunging herself at Nick, pulling at his neck and kissing him fully on the lips. From where I’m watching, he doesn’t make any attempt to push her away, only stopping when she pulls away with a satisfied smile on her lips. “I’ve missed you so much.” Her softened purr disgusts me.

  “What are you doing here, Tracie?” Nick asks her.

  “I just got back from Europe and was lonely,” she says, running her hand down his chest towards his groin. It’s taking all my willpower to not gag up my dinner. Nick looks down to her, seemingly confused for a moment, but just as quickly his head is snapping in my direction.

  I’m shocked, unable to move as both their faces are now looking at me.

  “Who is she?” the girl demands, her eyes shooting daggers at me.

  “Nobody,” I declare, finding the strength needed to make myself move. Marching my way towards the door, Nick attempts to grab me, but I side step around his hand and hastily walk straight out the door.

  “TAYLOR!” I SHOUT after her, but Tracie is firmly holding onto me with her arms still wrapped around my neck. Struggling to detangle myself from her arms, I watch Taylor walk out my front door, furious.

  “Tracie, you have to leave,” I announce, hating myself for taking so long to come to my senses.

  “Who is she?” she repeats.

  Using all my force, I finally manage to dislodge myself from Tracie’s hold. Looking between the door and Tracie, who is still looking at me for an answer, I’m baffled.

  “She’s a . . . friend.”

  Tracie snickers. “Whatever. I should have known you wouldn’t keep it in your pants while I was gone.”

  “There isn’t anything going on between us!”

  “I would hope so. The last thing I need is another cheating boyfriend.”

  Growling in frustration, I remember a girlfriend is the last thing I want at this moment. The words hit me like a brick, awakening my senses. They’re the words I constantly repeat to myself to avoid this type of situation, but I know what I want now, and it’s already walked out the door.

  Without a backwards glance, I run out my front door and rush into the hallway. Slamming on the button for the elevator, it takes its sweet ass time to open. Looking up to see it’s moving downwards, most likely with Taylor in it, I’m running to the stairs in hopes of catching her.

  While rushing down the steps a dreadful feeling spreads in the pit of my stomach, knowing I won’t catch Taylor in time at this rate. I pull out my cell phone and call the doorman, ordering him to stop Taylor before she can exit the building. Twelve flights of stairs on a still sensitive ankle takes longer than I would have expected. By the time I reach the lobby, it’s empty. Running outside, Taylor is nowhere in sight. Frustrated, I walk back into the building, already taking my anger out on the doorman. “Why didn’t you stop her like I told you to?”

  “I tried, sir, but by the time I got your phone call she was rushing past me.”

  “Fuck!” I growl, fisting my hair in my hands.

  Knowing she’s most likely heading home, I hastily return to my apartment, taking the elevator this time. After knocking on the door, Julia opens it with apologetic eyes.

  “I’m sorry, sir. She pushed her way through, even after I told her you were unavailable.”

  “It’s okay, Julia. She left, though, right?” I ask, already making my way over to the counter to retrieve my keys and wallet.

  “No, sir. She’s in your bedroom,” she answers. Shockingly looking at her, her eyes are refusing to meet mine. Stalking my way over to my bedroom, I find Tracie sprawled out naked on my bed, her legs wide open and her hands already pleasuring herself.

  “Get out!” I bellow.

  Stunned, she sits up, shocked at my demand. Gathering up her clothes, I throw them at her. “Put your fucking clothes on, Tracie, and get out!”

  Grabbing for her clothes, her mouth is gaping open. “What is wrong with you?”

  “I don’t want you here.”

  “Why are you acting like this all of a sudden? Is it because of that girl?”

  “How many times do I have to tell you? There is nothing going on between us. Never has. Never will be.”

  She looks at me as if I’ve lost my mind. “Why in the hell would you keep inviting me back to fuck you, then?”

  “Exactly that. To fuck you. Nothing more.”

  Her eyes are welling up with tears and my heart fills with sympathy at the sight. “Tracie, I’m sorry if you thought otherwise, but you’re not what I really want.”

  She looks towards my doorway as realization crosses her face. “You’ve slumped pretty low if that’s what you’re choosing over me,” she argues, pointing at my door. I’m angered by her judgment of Taylor, but elect to keep silent instead of spewing my hateful words at her. I know I’ve done enough damage from the tears rolling down her cheeks. “Don’t come crying to me when you realize your mistake!” she whimpers.

  “I’ll make sure not to,” I announce, watching her dress, refusing to leave her alone. I’d rather escort her out, to guarantee she wouldn’t be here when I return, than chance her still being here. Angrily, she stomps from my room and straight out my front door.

  I don’t follow the path she takes. Climbing into my car, I dig through my pocket in search of my phone. Looking through my contacts, it then occurs to me I don’t have Taylor’s number.

  Shit!

  There hasn’t been a chance for me to ask for it.

  The drive to Taylor’s feels like the longest I’ve ever made. The traffic lights are adding to my frustration. The entire time my mind is thinking of ways to apologize to Taylor, how to reconcile yet another fucking mistake I’ve made with her. When I reach her apartment, I rush up the stairs and to her door, urgently banging on it. I’m determined to speak with her, regardless of how pissed I know she is with me. Instead of Taylor answering the door, it’s a confused looking Katie staring back at me.

  “Where’s Taylor?” I ask, pushing my way around her and into the apartment. I can’t risk Katie denying me the chance to see Taylor. Rushing my way to her room, I find it empty. Turning around, I see Katie scowling at me with her hands on her hips.

  “What did do you do?”

  “I fucked up,” I answer, raking my hand through my hair.

  Katie’s eyes go wide. “You didn’t try having sex with her, did you?”

  “What? No!”

  What demons does Taylor have that would warrant Katie championing her this way? Kati
e’s question and Taylor’s past references, leaves me to believe it has something to do with sex. It’s probably why she wouldn’t let me anywhere near her at first. Still worried from not finding her, I ask Katie, “Do you have her number?”

  Katie’s brow arches as she considers my question. Instead of giving it to me, she turns to walk away, leaving me standing in the room alone.

  What the fuck?

  Quickly following her, she’s now in the kitchen searching through her phone and then raising it to her ear. I’m silently watching her, praying Taylor will answer. The disappointment on her face worries me.

  “She didn’t answer,” she says, attempting to call again, but from the disappointed sigh she most likely received the same results. “She always answers my calls. It’s a rule between us,” she explains.

  “You better tell me what the fuck you did to her to make her ignore my calls,” she demands with angered eyes.

  The fury in her voice adds to the guilt I’ve been carrying since the moment I went running after her.

  “We were talking and a girl showed up.” With the look she’s giving me, she can tell I’m not being fully truthful. “She just showed up at my apartment and started kissing me while Taylor was in the room. I never intended for it to happen. Tracie sort of caught me off guard and I was confused as hell.”

  “You’re an asshole!”

  Sighing in defeat, I cannot argue with her. I feel like an asshole.

  “Do you know where she might be?”

  She’s still glaring at me with narrowed eyes as she answers, “No. Taylor is . . . sensitive. That’s the easiest way to put it. It’s taken me forever to get her to trust a guy, and you go and do something to fuck it up.”

  “Why wouldn’t she trust me?”

  She opens her mouth as if she’s about to explain, but shakes her head at me. “It’s not my secret to tell. But I’m warning you,” she glares at me, “you hurt her, and I will kill you!”

  Her phones rings and I grow excited, thinking it’s Taylor. Katie looks down at her phone. “It’s not her. It’s my date,” she informs me before answering the call.

  At that moment, the door opens and in walks Taylor. She still looks furious as she notices me in the room. Unable to resist, I rush over to her, engulfing her in my arms, her body immediately going rigid as I hug her.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell her.

  She pushes me away without looking at me. “That seems to be all you’re ever saying lately.”

  “Why didn’t you answer my phone calls?” Katie reprimands as Taylor walks away and straight into the kitchen. She’s expressionless the entire walk over, as if nothing has occurred.

  She pours herself a glass of water before she replies. “I don’t have my phone. It’s in my purse that’s in Nick’s car.”

  “How did you get home?”

  Not looking at me but at Katie, as she answers, “I was lucky there weren’t any cops on the L tonight,” she nonchalantly answers.

  Shit. It hadn’t occurred to me that her purse could be in my car. The guilt is now overpowering every ounce of my blood.

  “Didn’t you have a date tonight?” she asks Katie, still looking blank as she takes a sip from her cup.

  “I do, but I don’t know if I should go now.” Katie glares in my direction.

  Taylor gives her an encouraging wave of her hand. “Go. I’m fine.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah, I already know he can’t do anything to hurt me.”

  What the hell is that supposed to mean?

  Katie returns to staring daggers at me. “I’ve warned you,” she says, reminding me of her threat before grabbing her purse and exiting the apartment.

  “What are you doing here, Nick? I would have expected you to still be back in your apartment.”

  “It’s not what you think, Taylor.”

  Arching her brow in question at me, she says, “And what is it exactly that I’m thinking, Nick? Please, enlighten me.”

  Her reaction is both terrifying and confusing. Never in my life has a girl responded like she’s currently doing. Take Tracie for example, she was still raging when she’d left my apartment. Taylor’s reaction is the opposite, calm as if she’s shutting herself off of all emotion.

  “She’s nothing to me. I swear.”

  She snickers at me. I’ll accept it. It’s better than nothing.

  “It’s clear she’s more than nothing, Nick. She wouldn’t have been throwing herself at you like that if she wasn’t,” she simplifies.

  Sighing, I take a moment to choose the words for my explanation. “She’s just a girl I had a couple of one night stands with. She’s the one that wouldn’t get it through her head that that’s all they were.”

  “Poor girl,” she replies.

  “Taylor, what is wrong with you?”

  She now looks taken aback. “What’s wrong with me?” she asks.

  “I mean. You’re standing there acting like this was no big deal.”

  “How the fuck do you expect me to act? Do you want me yelling at you?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why? It wouldn’t change anything between us. There was never anything at all.”

  Stepping forward only makes her retreat. The fearful doe eyes I’m beginning to become familiar with are now on her face. It makes me stop, fearful of frightening her. Anger I will happily accept at this moment. Fear, never.

  “I know that’s what you think, but I swear it’s what I was trying to change. I’ve seen it in your eyes since the day I’ve met you. You’re not the type of girl who expects to be rushed. I was giving you time. I thought we were getting somewhere tonight, and then Tracie showed up and fucked it up for me. I’m going to repeat, there is nothing going on between her and me. There never was.” Her silence is heartbreaking. She looks as if she wants to say something, but is refusing to do so. “Please, Taylor, just say something,” I plead, hoping to encourage her.

  “This is why I don’t trust men. They couldn’t care less who they hurt.”

  No longer caring how she’ll react, I close the distance between us, taking her face in my hands and kissing her. For the first second she doesn’t respond, but eventually her once rigid body relaxes as she holds onto me, her lips surrendering to my kiss. When we break apart, I feel a tear gliding down the back of my hand. She opens her eyes but keeps them downcast, refusing to look at me.

  “My intention was never to hurt you, Taylor. It never will be, either.”

  Still not looking at me, she swallows. “I’m so confused right now.”

  Her confession makes me smile. It gives me hope.

  “Please, don’t push me away, Taylor,” I plead. Her eyes finally find mine, and she still looks heartbroken, but a glimmer of hope is now in her eyes.

  “I don’t want to.”

  With a wide smile, I kiss her. I need her air to help me breath. She robbed me of every ounce of breath I had as I waited for her response. Pulling away, I know I’ve accomplished my goal when I feel her chest rising and falling, her face looking flushed.

  Her lips start to tremble, causing me to worry. “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m scared, Nick,” she whimpers. “I’ve never been more scared in my life of being hurt.”

  I feel as if I’ve been pierced through the heart from her confession. Keeping her tightly embraced in my arms, my mind is demanding answers as to why she feels this way, but my conscience is telling me to not rush her, or she may just push me away. The latter wins as she silently cries in my arms. Doing nothing more than soothing her to help calm her tears, she eventually pulls away and looks up to me.

  “Oh, God,” she says, looking embarrassed. “I’m so sorry.”

  I’m chuckling at her, hoping it she doesn’t take offense. “It’s okay.” Taking a deep breath knowing I may risk her clamming up, I ask, “Taylor, can you please help me understand why you don’t want to trust me?”

  Her face goes pale and the doe eyes return.
/>   “Alright,” she sighs.

  I should be thrilled she’s agreed, but somehow the expression she’s still wearing tells me I might just regret asking.

  TAKING MY HAND, Nick leads me over to the couch, urging me to sit next to him. There’s an urge inside of me to keep him at a distance. Instead, I scoot a little farther away so I’m at one end of the couch as I draw my knees up, feeling the need to comfort myself. His silence is calming and terrifying at the same time as he patiently waits for me to speak.

  Sighing, he draws his body forward to rest his elbows on his knees, clasping his hands together. He tilts his head so he’s still looking at me. “Does it have to do with this Josh fellow you were screaming about?”

  The blood feels as if it’s completely drained from my body for the second time as I nod my head to respond. The sound of Josh’s name leaving Nick’s lips is repulsive.

  “Is it going to be the reason that always comes between us?” he asks as he looks into my eyes.

  “I hope not,” I reply before bowing my head and resting it on my knees. I’m searching for the courage to explain everything to Nick. I feel his hand reach and tug me towards him, requesting I move closer to him. I grant his request and move to sit on his lap. He pushes my hair from my face, tucking it behind my ear before he wraps his arms around my waist.

  “What did he do to you?”

  Taking in a deep breath, I attempt to center myself before I begin. “I’ve only ever had sex once. It happened the weekend after graduation. He was my boyfriend. I should have known from the beginning it was too good to be true. He was the typical jock and I the book nerd nobody looked twice at, although he claimed he didn’t see me as one while I tutored him. My infatuation of him took over and eventually we were dating. It’d only been a couple of months and I never allowed it to go any further than kissing. For some stupid reason, I believed he respected my decision,” I declare with a halfhearted chuckle. “I should have known better,” I repeat.