Clarity

by Gabbie S. Duran

  Nick begins rubbing my back, trying to further soothe me.

  “We were at a bonfire in the woods when it happened. Everyone was drinking and I’d started drinking, too. I’ve been around a drunk all my life and I’m no stranger to how it affects your actions, but I didn’t want to disappoint him. After a couple of hours he must have grown bored. So when he asked for us to leave, I thought he intended for us to go home, but he had other intentions.”

  By now, the tears are slowly starting to trickle down my cheeks.

  “He took us further into the woods and the alcohol was already impairing my judgment. I didn’t put up too much of a fight at first when he started kissing me. It wasn’t until I was being lowered to the ground that the alarms in my head started going off. I kept asking him to stop, but he wouldn’t listen.

  “By the time I realized his intention, it was too late. He had me pinned underneath him with no way out. He was so heavy, no matter how much I tried pushing him off, I couldn’t. I remember it hurting so much,” I whimper. “After a while I realized he wasn’t going to stop so I just gave up the fight and prayed he’d finish quickly,” I say, now silently crying. “When he was done, he took me home and the entire time he acted as if it were no big deal. I was so disgusted with myself after it happened. I still am. That was the last night I ever saw him. I heard a couple of days later that he’d left to go visit some relatives in the south for the summer before leaving for college. But at that point, I could not have cared less. The farther away from me he was, the better.”

  “Please tell me you reported the fucker.”

  His question has rendered me silent.

  “Taylor.” The demand in my name has me flinching.

  “No,” I croak out. Feeling the need to put distance between us, I stand.

  “You let him get away with it?”

  I’ve become accustomed to hearing the same question. It came first from my therapist, when I first sought help for my nightmares, and then again from Katie. But I never regretted letting it happen until now.

  “I would have left town the next day, but I had no money.”

  Nick stands up and begins to pace around the room. He’s furious. Turning to face me, he stalks his way over. His actions have me recoiling as he nears me, but the sincerity in his eyes conveys it isn’t me he’s angry at.

  “You shouldn’t have had to run away, Taylor. He had no right to do what he did. He should have paid for his actions.”

  “Even if I would have tried reporting him, no one would have believed me. His family is one of the richest in town and has a lot of connections. They would have convinced everyone to believe his word over mine.”

  He stiffens. “You don’t know that, Taylor. You should have tried.” Having him point out my mistake is wounding. “Did you tell your parents?” he asks, further twisting the knife into the wound.

  Shaking my head again, I say, “I only had my mother and she didn’t care.”

  “How would you know?” He practically shouts in her defense.

  I’m now furious as he reminds me of that dreadful moment she came to my room. “She knew what happened after I came home,” I explain, remembering my mom’s exact words from that night. “She would have preferred I end up pregnant so she could make money off of me.”

  My stomach is turning in disgust from having to admit the words. Nick’s eyes go wide, but just as quickly return to looking sympathetic.

  “It’s my fault, anyway. I shouldn’t have been drinking in the first place.”

  His hand on my hip tightens, as if angered. “Taylor, it wasn’t your fault,” he says, scorn in his face. “You told him no and he didn’t listen. Drunk or not, he knew what he was doing. He took advantage of you!”

  I wipe away the tear falling down my cheek. “It doesn’t matter anymore, Nick.” He looks directly into my eyes, and it’s not sympathy I see, but concern. “It’s never too late to try, Taylor. He deserves to pay for what he did to you. You don’t deserve to pay for something that isn’t your fault. ” His statement is not a plea, but a demand I do something more.

  “No.” The one word has him furiously staring back at me. “Pressing charges against him would mean having to face him. I refuse to return to my past. It’s my life, Nick.”

  “So I’m just supposed to continue being with you knowing someone else has violated you and that you refuse to do anything about it?”

  He plunges the dagger still lingering in my shattered soul deeper into its wound. I was already broken before having to admit my faults to him.

  “So that’s it? You’re just going to let him win?” His question is full of fury, reminding me of the reason why I’ve always pushed every potential suitor away.

  “I’m damaged and broken, Nick. I will always be. If you can’t accept me for how I am, then it isn’t worth wasting your time on. My decision will never change.”

  “Somehow I’m beginning to believe you’ve given up.”

  “You’ve already seen what it’s doing to me. I have nightmares from it! Imagine what would happen if I had to face him again. Is that what you want? For me to go completely insane, because that’s exactly what would happen, Nick. I don’t want to have to remember what happened. I just want to forget!”

  Tears are cascading down my cheeks now. The pain and sorrow of speaking about it has taken over. Admitting I want nothing more than to forget should have me feeling shameful for giving up, but instead the admission has me feeling some sense of relief for standing up for myself. It’s all I ever wanted from the moment I left that small town. To forget and never look back.

  “So he just wins?”

  “He only wins if I let the action of what he did to me rule my life.”

  “It should have never happened,” Nick repeats.

  “This is why you need to walk away, Nick.”

  We both remain silent after I state the words. A grim atmosphere overtakes the entire room for the next several minutes. My heart has always been broken, but knowing Nick may heed my words and walk away has me dreadfully holding my breath, preparing myself for the heartache to come.

  “Is he why you’ve been pushing me away? Because you think that way of yourself?”

  “Yes,” I rasp out. “Trust is still the hardest thing for me to do. It’s easier to not trust, than to have it broken,” I announce to him, trying to swallow the lump that is sitting in my throat.

  “That’s all you’ve ever expected from me, isn’t it? For me to break your trust?”

  Closing my eyes, I laugh humorlessly. “You’ve already done it several times.” He seems puzzled as he takes in my answer. “You don’t take orders very well,” I remind him.

  He grins, the simple turn of his lips lightening the despair surrounding us.

  “That was before I realized just how important you are.” His confession has the dark walls surrounding my heart slowly shattering. “I’m a determined man, Taylor, and I’m determined to earn your trust,” he declares.

  “Why?”

  Placing his hand on my cheek, he says, “I can’t explain it, Taylor, but since the day I met you I knew you were different. You were someone I knew I couldn’t let go of.”

  My once shattered heart is slowly mending. The sympathy he was giving is replaced with affection, and suddenly I want to fight to hold onto it.

  “All I ask is that you give me a chance to earn your trust, Taylor,” he repeats, bringing his lips to my temple. “I don’t expect anything more until you’re ready.”

  Quivering, the tears threaten to once again emerge. Instead of tears of despair, they’re of bliss. Leaning in, I kiss him to push away the despair I’ve been harboring from that night. If it were possible, I’d use his lips to push my shame away as well. When he kisses me, I forget who I am. With one kiss the demons of my past cease to exist.

  His arms are securely wrapped around me, making me feel protected, a feeling I wish to hold onto forever. My hands grip at his shirt, scared he’ll change his mind a
nd leave. Him doing so would only add to my nightmare.

  Seconds later, my fear of the nightmare becoming a reality may come true when goes rigid. He pulls his head back and I dreadfully open my eyes. “Taylor, we better stop,” he says, my heart sinking to the pit of my stomach.

  Forcing myself to push the lump from my throat, I ask, “Did I do something wrong?” My heart begins to race, afraid he’s changed his mind.

  He looks at me with his eyebrows drawn down in confusion. “No, Taylor, why would you think you did something wrong?”

  “Because you stopped,” I say. He shakes his head slowly before kissing me gently. “I only stopped because I promised not to rush things with you.” His answer leaves me satisfied and able to breathe again. I lay my head back down on his chest as he says, “You don’t know how badly I want you right now and it feels wrong,” he adds, running his hand up and down my back.

  The disappointment of knowing how scared I am of his declaration is pitiful.

  “Taylor?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Can I kiss you again?”

  The request makes me chuckle. The thought that he’s asking permission to do something as simple as kiss me makes me light up inside. Pulling my head from his chest, I shyly blush at him with a smile. “Yes, but don’t ever expect me to ask if I can kiss you,” I reply.

  Throwing his head back to laugh, the sound replaces the silence of the room. “Yes, ma’am,” he replies before slamming his lips against mine.

  Trust is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to give, but with Nick, it finally feels worth trying for.

  The darkness is surrounding me. The air smells of a man I’m unfamiliar with, but the feeling of his hard body is always pushing against me. Using every ounce of strength inside me, I push with all my might. This time, I’m determined to push him off, refusing to let him continue.

  The sound of a loud thump triggers me to open my eyes, forcing them to adjust to the glow illuminating from the TV. turned on in my room. Taking in my surroundings, my mind registers I’m not in the woods of my dream, but my own bedroom. An unfamiliar groan comes from the floor near the side of my bed and I panic, my lungs letting out an excruciating scream. The opening of my door as Katie looks into the bedroom frightens me even more. Another groan comes from the floor, this time quieter than before, causing both our heads to turn into that direction. My eyes go wide as I take in Nick’s form shielding his eyes from the bright light entering from the hallway.

  “What the hell happened?” Katie questions, looking between Nick and me.

  “I was tossed off the bed,” Nick answers, rubbing at the back of his head. “It’s okay, the floor broke my fall.”

  I gasp when I realize where the thump came from. “I’m so sorry!” I exclaim, already climbing off the bed to help him up. He’s looking up at me with concern. “You okay?” he asks when deep inside I’m the one full of guilt.

  “Did you have another nightmare?” Katie’s voice demands our attention.

  Sighing, I nod my head as I remember what I was dreaming of before I’d woken up. “I’m fine now, though,” I tell her, knowing how worried she can get when they occur. Giving me a short nod, she closes the door, leaving me alone with Nick. Eyeing him as I kneel down at his side, he’s still rubbing at the back of his head.

  “I really am sorry. I don’t know what happened.”

  He chuckles before sitting up and smiling back at me. “You’re just rough in bed,” he jokes, as if knowing how embarrassed I feel. He laughs along with me as he tugs me to sit between his legs. Engulfing me in his arms, he enfolds me tight against his chest, his lips kiss at my temple, sending a flutter down my spine. “Are they always that bad?” he worriedly asks, his voice low and full of concern.

  Deeply sighing, I say, “Yes.” The arms wrapped around my waist tighten as I lean my head back onto his shoulder. “You’re still here,” I point out, looking straight at the TV as it displays a commercial.

  He chuckles again. “Yeah, I must have fallen asleep, too.”

  I can’t resist smiling at the thought. After my confession in the living room, I’d asked Nick to stay just a little bit longer, deciding to watch TV in my room. We’d climbed onto my bed, and at first it felt odd to have him lying next to me. After a couple of minutes of simply lying next to him, I began to relax and must have fallen asleep. It could have also been that he chose to watch a game and I quickly grew bored.

  “I better get going,” he voices, making me go rigid. I don’t want him to leave. It feels so good being in his arms, even if we’re both sitting on a hard floor. “Do you have to?” I bravely ask.

  His nose nuzzles in my hair and I feel him inhale. “I don’t want to, if that’s what you’re asking, but I don’t want to make you have another nightmare,” he says, his voice low and full of sadness. “I felt you pushing me away from you, Taylor. It was because of me you were probably having the dream.”

  Sorrow has taken over the fluttering. For some reason, the fact that he knows why I’ve reacted angers myself.

  “I hate this.”

  I hadn’t realized I’d said the words out loud until Nick gently turns my face to look directly at him. “I don’t have to leave if you don’t want me to.”

  “Please stay,” I courageously answer. He replies by gently kissing me before giving me a wide smile.

  “Should we take our chances back on the bed or would it be safer down here? I don’t know if my body can take another beating tonight.” The statement makes my eyes go wide. Leaning my head forward and burying my face into my hands, I let out a small groan. His laughter rumbles through his chest and against my back.

  Urging me up, we both climb back onto the bed and strong arms wrap around me, one at my waist and the other tucked under my neck, holding me at the shoulder. I’m being pulled closer to his chest and my face now rests upon his shoulder. Closing my eyes to allow my breathing to calm, I inhale the masculine scent that is uniquely Nick’s. Behind the darkness of my closed lids, I take in his distinctive aroma, sending me to a state of relaxation.

  Minutes later, my breathing has calmed, sending me back to sleep, but somehow it seems impossible. It’s as if I would rather lie awake savoring the feeling of Nick’s body comforting me than risk returning to the nightmare.

  “You’re not asleep, are you?” Nick’s deep voice rumbles underneath my ear.

  “Somehow I can’t go back to sleep,” I reply. His arm slowly starts to rub up and down my spine, blissfully adding to my calmed state of mind.

  “Do you want to talk?”

  Opening my eyes and lifting my chin so it’s now resting on his chest, I’m able to stare into his eyes. “Depends on what you want to talk about.”

  His lips curve up into a smile, clearly understanding the message behind my reply. “What do you like to do for fun?”

  “Sleep.” He chuckles, making both our bodies shake. “Let me guess, yours is playing sports,” I mock, adding to his laughter.

  “Ironically, your idea of having fun is close to mine. I like to just relax. My life can be so crazy during the season with traveling and training, I rarely get time to myself. You’d think I’d have more of a break when the season is over, but I’m swamped with endorsement obligations to prepare for the upcoming season,” he explains with an exasperated sigh.

  “Did you always want to play baseball?”

  Silence overtakes the room for a moment before he answers.

  “I didn’t really consider it until college. I almost didn’t pursue it.”

  “Why?”

  “My parents would have preferred I take over the family business. All Hunter males are bred from the womb to follow the footsteps of the previous successful Hunter,” he grimaces. He doesn’t need to further explain for me to understand the meaning behind those words.

  “Enough about me. What were your dreams growing up? Did you always want to be a physical therapist?”

  Anxiety overtakes my entire body. Nick wanting
to know more about my past is not what I’d intended during this conversation. “No,” I curtly reply, already sitting up to leave his embrace.

  “Taylor?”

  Looking over to the clock sitting on my side table, still avoiding his gaze, it’s nearly time for me to wake up anyway. “I better start getting ready for work,” I explain, climbing off the bed. “If you don’t mind, would you please bring my purse up before you leave?” I ask, opening my door and heading to the bathroom without looking back for Nick’s reaction.

  Enclosing myself alone in the small room, my eyes shut to withhold the rising tears and the anguish from one simple question. I’ve vowed to never speak of my past, let alone allow myself to remember it, and it’s a vow I intend to keep.

  Almost an hour later, I’m ready for work and off to search for Katie so we can leave. What I don’t expect to find is Nick still in my apartment standing in the kitchen.

  “Where the hell is your coffee maker?” he asks, turning in a full circle, looking confused.

  “We don’t have one,” I answer. “What are you still doing here?”

  “What do you mean you don’t have a coffee maker?” he asks, a scowl upon his face. “Everyone has a coffee maker.”

  “Try telling Katie that. She doesn’t like the smell of coffee so I have to do without until I get to work,” I grumble back. “Where is Katie?” I ask, noticing how she isn’t in the room.

  “She left a couple of minutes ago. I told her I would give you a ride to work, but you’re going to be late because I need coffee.”

  “Me, too.”

  A smile is now replacing the scowl on his lips as he closes the distance between us, taking me in his arms. My arms automatically wrap around his waist, as if it’s always been normal. His head lowers so his face is buried in my hair, his mouth next to my ear. “I would kiss you, but I have morning breath,” his husky voice says.

  Although my nose scrunches at the comment, shivers travel down my neck and straight to my toes as I relax into his embrace. Leaning my head onto his shoulder and simply standing in the spot with him holding me, it’s almost painful to know I need to leave.