Fighting to Start

by S. L. Ziegler

  ME: Be there in 10

  “Laura I gotta go, emergency. Text me the details of what you think needs to change, and make sure you put a bonus in it for all you guys.” Laura nods and smiles at me the minute she hears bonus.

  Ten minutes later, I walk into some dirt bar called Docs and see one very hot and very messed up girl dancing on top of the bar with a group of guys drooling over her. I walk over to the bartender and ask, “How much did she have to drink?”

  He shrugs. “No clue. I came here about thirty minutes ago and she was already trashed. She’s never been like this, and Hadley’s been coming here long enough that I know if someone doesn’t get her away from here, she will hate herself tomorrow. Heads up though, she was hanging out with some sleezeballs that do heavier shit than just drink, if you know what I mean.”

  I nod, pissed at Hadley for even being around them. She’s swaying side-to-side with music that I can only guess she hears in her head.

  Hadley jumps off the bar and downs two brown looking shots one of the guys holds for her. “Shit, she’s on Jäger? No wonder she is like this, she gets crazy on this shit.”

  Walking up behind Hadley, I whisper into her ear, “Hey, sexy, what are you up to?”

  She turns around, wearing a huge smile on her face. If only it were genuine. “Reed! What are you doing here? Guys, this is Reed, the ex I was telling you about. Reed, you want to have fun with me?” Hadley slurs.

  She picks up another shot from the bar and takes it. Obviously, she’s fucking tanked and at this point, she can go one way or the other. Hadley on Jäger is a fucking ticking time bomb. If she’s mixed it with any other shit…who knows? By how red and big her eyes are, she is definitely on something.

  “You want me to take you home, Hads?”

  “Pshh. No way! I’m a staying here. I want to drink some more. WOOP WOOP!” Hadley lifts up her hands, waving them around.

  “Fuck that, you’re coming with me, end of story. The way you are talking, babe, you had enough of that piss already.” I hand Hadley her purse, trying to push her to the door.

  “Wait, Reed. I needed another shot.” She pouts and crosses her arms over her chest, pushing those damn tits of hers up. “You know what, Reed? You, mister, used to be way more fun. You are way hotter now, though. Maybe that’s what happened. Yep, that’s it.” She slaps me on the chest, her face dancing with excitement like she just found the cure for AIDS. “Your hotness took your fun-ness away. Really, I’ve been wondering something for a while. Is your dick going to fall off because of all the places you stuck it the last couple of years? I mean, was there a porn star out there you didn’t fuck? Oh, and could you actually feel it when you stuck it in or was it like fucking air? Come on, they fuck for a living—they have to be loose as a goose, right? And Crotch Rot Krystal…really, she is a hooker right? Do you get it? Crotch Rot? I mean, that’s totally what I have been calling her. Fucking Crotch Rot Krystal!”

  Hadley clasps her hands over her mouth and her eyes pop out. “Shit, that wasn’t supposed to come out of here.” Hadley points to her mouth and starts giggling. “Oh, you know what I miss, Reed? Tim Hortons! I could so go for a bacon egg wrap and an iced cappuccino. Why don’t they have that down here? They should totally bring it down south, because I would eat there all the time. But they do have Zaxbys down here. Have you tried it? They have this chicken…” Wow…yep… Crotch rot—that’s all I got out of everything she said.

  “Shit, babe, come on. I’m getting you out of here.” What else is she going to come up with?

  “Why don’t we paper, scissor, rock-it to see who wins?” Jesus, Hadley.

  “Hads, it’s rock, paper, scissors.” Fuck my life.

  “No, Reeeeedddd. It’s paper, scissor, rock-it, duuuhhhh. Because you want to rock-it. You get it? Rock that shit.” She’s getting worse by the minute.

  “Hadley Marie Thomas, you are coming right now or so help me God, I’ll carry your ass out of this fucking bar.”

  “Oh, big bad boy Reed Assmuncher Collins, using the full name this time. Watch out, guys, my parents are in the HOUSE!” Jesus Christ Almighty.

  “I’m going to fucking start counting.”

  “But I’m having fun. Don’t you wanna hang out with me?” Hadley says, sticking her damn lip out.

  “Yes, babe, I do. But why don’t we hang out away from all the guys that want to fucking get in your pants?” I grab her by the arm, trying to get her to leave with me again.

  Hadley’s light fucking switches. “What, Reed, you don’t want to be seen with me, do you? That’s why you left me, isn’t it? I wasn’t good enough to be on your arm for people to actually see me, was I? Well, boo on you, big boy. I AM NOT LEAVING WITH YOU!”

  “Trust me, that’s not why, sweetheart. We’ll have this conversation when you aren’t blowing Jäger bubbles out of your head and can actually think. Do you really think I give a shit what you say when it comes to you acting like this?” I say, picking Hadley up and swinging her over my shoulder, kicking and screaming.

  I buckle her into my front seat as she throws a fit like a damn five-year-old. When I toss her purse in the car, a clear baggie falls out on the ground and whatever shit was in it, is gone. What the hell happened to the Hadley I knew? I pick it up and push the bag in her face. “I am going to ask one time, what the fuck are you doing with this shit? Are you using?” My words barely make their way out through my clenched teeth.

  Hadley slaps my face and grabs the baggie from my hand. “What are you going to do about it, Reed, huh? You are smart, the baggie fell out of my purse. Of course it’s mine, you dumbass. And guess what? I snorted it all up my fucking nose. I’m fucking high as a motherfucking kite and loving every minute of it and I even popped a pill to top off my night.” She unbuckles the seatbelt, trying to push me out of the way. I stand my ground and put the child lock on the door before slamming it shut. Thank God I took my Audi today, because keeping her ass in the Chevelle would’ve been impossible. Hadley crosses her arms across her chest and refuses to even spare one look in my direction, which is fucking fine because looking at her isn’t on the top ten list of things I want to do tonight, either.

  “Hadley, why the hell are you even doing it? You’re so much better than this shit.” I chuck the bag out the window as I rev my engine, leaving the parking lot.

  “I don’t know, Reed. My life is going to shit and today is a day I need something a little stronger. Why do you even care? Leave me alone—you’ve done such a fabulous job at that for the last five years. What I drink, what I snort, and who I fuck doesn’t concern you anymore. Just take me home.” I swear I hear her starting to cry, but I don’t know what to say to help her. Hadley is far worse than I thought she was, too fucking gone for me to help her if she doesn’t want it.

  She starts mumbling shit that makes no sense, and we don’t make it five minutes out of the bar before her head is slouched over drool with coming out her month. Leaving her alone at her place is out of the question. She’ll be in my bed whether she likes it or not, it’s the only place I know to keep her safe.

  I gently pick her up and carry her into my bedroom—she even looks so fucking sad in her sleep. She doesn’t even move as I lay her down and change her shirt. I pull the covers over her and get right next to her, burying my head into her hair, my girl may not know what she needs, she may be too fucking gone, but she’s still my girl, in my arms, in my bed. I whisper against her, “Madly, Hadley.” She stirs and I swear I hear an “I love you” from her, but that’s probably only my mind playing tricks on me.

  Chapter 17

  Hadley

  Why did I ever decide to drink that much and why did I think Jäger and coke mixture was such a brilliant idea? I peel open my eyes and nothing about this room looks familiar. I don’t have a guy in the bed with me, but I’m in someone’s shirt and boxers. At least I am not naked. That’s a plus—well, I hope. Nothing like a night of fun you can’t remember and a morning of regret. Looking around the
room, I notice some picture frames on the end table and it looks like a couple, but I can’t tell without moving. What the hell did I do?

  I carefully sit myself up, last thing I need is to lose the contents of my stomach on some random person’s bed. Suddenly, I get hit with an all too familiar scent—Reed. What the hell did I let happen last night? I don’t remember anything, not seeing him last night, nothing. Last night is a big blank spot in my memory.

  No evidence of sex anywhere, but Lord knows Reed and I were never good with the whole protection thing. My clothes folded nicely over on his dresser, a dog bed on the floor by the door, but nothing else. Asshole went and got himself a maid, because no way he cleans anything himself—never used to at least.

  My toes touch the soft carpet on the edge of his bed and my eyes linger to the pictures beside it. Shock courses through my veins, they are all of us, one he took when he left so long ago and some just of me. I pick up the one closest to me, running my fingers over it. It’s one of the last pictures of us taken together. We went to my parents’ house in Vail during a break from Reed’s training only a couple of weeks before he left me. I have held on to my memories of that weekend for so long. The love we shared, the laughs, the touches between each other—like always, we couldn’t get enough of one another. We had talked for hours outside, as we looked from the mountain, about what our future held together, dreams we had. Thinking back to all the talking Reed did, I thought his plan had included me, but how wrong was I? The doubts he had, the tension, his unhappiness, all of it, I didn’t listen to any of it, I didn’t want to. I was too blind with my love for him to want to hear anything else.

  I wonder if there was really just us. I wonder if it was just my heart that wanted to hear his words. All I do is wonder. But what has that wondering got me?

  I place the picture back on the end table, wishing I had the courage to throw it at the wall, but my heart won’t let me. I go straight to the bathroom—this place, this bed, this scent is all too much, I need out and need out fast. My eyes squint when the light hits the mirror, and I see that look even worse than I feel: mascara runs down my face, my hair filled with knots, eyes bloodshot—shit. I splash water on my face, pull the hair tie from my wrist to put my hair in a messy bun, steal Reed’s toothpaste, and with my finger, get rid of the awful breath I have. A cab is what I need, and quickly before Reed decides to grace me with his presence. I quietly run downstairs and notice my purse and my keys on the kitchen island. Score one; no cab needed. Next to them is a note from some girl named Laura, saying she found my car where Reed said it was. Wonder if this Laura chick took over for Crotch Rot. My shoes are by the door, and as I slip my feet in them, a very sweaty Reed walks in the side door.

  “Oh good, you’re up. Want me to make you breakfast, or I can take you somewhere? I hear you can devour some Waffle House like no one’s business. Let me hop in the shower quick and we can go there. I know I can go for some.” Reed brushes against my arm on his way to the refrigerator to get a water.

  “Reed, I’m not sure what really happened last night, but whatever it was shouldn’t have. Sorry, but it doesn’t change anything between us.”

  Reed chokes on his water, spewing it on the floor. “Hadley, nothing happened last night. You got shitfaced, fucking coked out, and said you popped a pill which is probably why you were dead to the world. I picked you up because Courtney and Lance went somewhere too far away to come and get you. You fucking embarrassed yourself and then passed out in my car. I couldn’t take you to your house because I haven’t been granted the privilege of knowing where you live. Even if I did, you were too fucking gone to be by yourself. I put you in my room to sleep after I changed you—I’d like to add I only took a quick peek at your goods. I slept on one side of the bed, you slept on the other, and you only tried to grope me a couple times—don’t worry, I’m still not into sleeping with people that can’t form words.”

  Oh thank you, sweet baby Jesus! Relief floods over me. I know a drunken sexcapade with Reed would complicate shit so much more. “God, Reed, thanks for that. I’ve been going through some stuff and I just wanted to have fun, guess maybe I had a little too much of it.”

  “Fuck, Hadley, I know we aren’t even close to being in the best place right now, but if you need someone to talk to, I’m here. Don’t go and get drunk like that again. And don’t get into anything like you did last night—that stuff can fucking ruin you. I saw it with my dad. You are too good for that shit. Lance said this morning that Courtney is worried about how you’re handling things.”

  “You are certainly right, Reed. We aren’t in the best place. Thanks for your concern, but I really don’t need it. I got drunk last night and I didn’t do a lot of coke, just a couple of lines, and I don’t remember a pill. It’s no big deal.”

  “No, Hadley, it’s a huge fucking deal. You were at the bar where any Tom, Dick, or Harry could have taken you home last night. You woke up not remembering any of that shit. If you don’t think that’s a big deal, I’m not sure what the fuck is. Please, for me, if you want to get like that again, just take someone with you.” After all this time, he has no right to worry about me and the shit I do.

  “Reed, I guess I need to remind you yet once again that just because you came here doesn’t mean I am letting you back into my life. Been there, done that, got the fucking T-shirt and heartbreak to show for it. Last night won’t happen again.”

  Reed grabs my arm, placing a hand on my neck. His touch makes my heart jump faster by the second. “Will you please listen to me, Hadley? I tried hundreds of times to do what I thought was right, it fucking wasn’t. I made the damn excuse in my head that you walked away, that you deserved better than only a fighter like me and damn, Hadley, I don’t think anyone will ever be good enough. But I will always love you. With every fucking breath I take I will. I’ll spend the rest of my damned life making up for those mistakes. But please, just don’t push me away. I only want to help, that’s it.”

  He doesn’t get it and I don’t think he ever did. “Reed, you don’t understand. While you were off screwing every hot girl that would open her legs for you, I was broken, damaged—hell, I was lost, so gone, Reed—and I can’t let myself go back there. I won’t do it to myself. Did you have any clue how much I loved you, how much you dumping me would kill me? God, Reed, my sun fucking rose and set on you. I would have given it all up for you, every single fucking dollar, my career, my family. Just to be with you. That’s how much I loved you, how much faith I had in you. And you know what that love and faith got me? It got me crying on Courtney’s shoulder when Lance walked away with your stuff, it made me isolate myself from everything, everyone that cared. It made me lose everything. But you never even gave me a choice on any of it. You took all that away from me. You just walked the fuck away and didn’t even talk to me about what you wanted, not one ounce of communication. Hell, I would have taken a fucking smoke signal. But nope, nothing. You even fucking sent Lance to get your stuff when that could have been you. But once again, nothing from you, Reed.

  “What fucking gutted me was you came back a couple of months after you left, and our friends saw you, our own friends, and you never even bothered to call me. That right there killed me, and it wasn’t fast, it was a knife being pushed and pulled, in and out of my heart. The fucking most stupid thing about is, I would have taken you back even after all that. I still held out hope after I talked to Doug because I thought I understood the whole thing. Until I saw you spin that whore around, exactly like you did to me after every win. You did that on national television, and guess what, they liked it so much it was on fucking slow motion when I saw. And at that moment, I knew I could hate and love someone at the same time. Because my fucking head hated every single thing about you. Every. Single. Thing. But no, my stupid fucking heart still loved you! What did I ever do to not be good enough for you, Reed? What did I do?” Before I know it, tears pour out of me and I’m wrapped up in Reed’s strong arms, sobbing, and kick myself f
or feeling protected here.

  “Hads, you didn’t do anything wrong, not one thing. I was so fucked up. My life growing up was the total opposite of yours. I never wanted you to know because of how great yours was. I didn’t want or need your pity. And at the fucking time, I thought not telling you was the right thing. I had so much I held inside because I wanted to be perfect for you, because you were perfect to me. Everything you did, I fucking loved. Everything. Don’t ever doubt that, Hads. If I told you what I grew up in, you wouldn’t have seen me like that anymore. At least in my fucked up head, that’s what I thought. Leaving you had not a damn thing to do with how much you loved me. Because, Hadley, I always knew. It had everything to do with me not loving myself. My whole fucking life, I was constantly told that I was a loser, every single goddamn day that I would never make it. And those fucking words did something to me.

  “Five years ago, I didn’t have a fucking dollar to my name, and you paid for everything without batting an eyelash, babe. God, I couldn’t even get your Christmas presents without having to take more fights underground. And you deserved so much more than a fucker like that. I would ask Lance all the time how you were doing, thinking that if you were really bad he would tell me, but he never did. He said you were handling it. God, Hadley, if I knew, I would have given up everything because me proving myself wasn’t worth what you went through. I would go back in fucking time and just say fuck it and work for your family. I would if I could, but I can’t.

  “Yes, you are right—I went back home but, Hads, it was to see you walk across that stage. I couldn’t miss that shit. I was so damn proud of you. I stalked your ass that day to see any signs that you weren’t okay. But, babe, you smiled and hugged your family and shit, I thought me leaving was for the best after that. I held onto that hope until the day I heard Lance telling my coach you were gone. I didn’t know it meant you came here, Hads, I though he meant you moved on. That day…fuck…was the first time I hooked up with Krystal. Babe, please believe me, I wouldn’t have done shit if I knew. This whole time away from you was one big fucking pile of shit I can’t change, but I wish like hell I could. But I will love you for the rest of my fucking life—believe that shit. Listen to me…please, babe, listen… I’m standing here, right in front of you, eyes only for you. And this is where I’ll be the rest of my fucking life, no matter how much you push me away.”