Fighting to Start

by S. L. Ziegler

  I push away from Reed’s hold, because I can’t do this, not now, maybe not ever. Who knew a ton of fucking miscommunication could ruin my life?

  I grab my keys and purse off his kitchen counter, and walk toward the door. “Reed, by the way, I guess you deserve to know since you weren’t there when it happened, probably off fucking Krystal that night, too. Yesterday would have been our baby’s fourth birthday—if I had carried her to term. But I was too fucking upset about you leaving that I lost her because I couldn’t even take care of myself…because you decided to disappear.” Instantly, I feel guilty because I believe Reed. I believe he didn’t touch anyone until long after I lost the baby. But I want him to fucking hurt, too—I want to gut him. However, no matter what Reed did, he never deserved to find out about the loss of our baby like that. I turn my head to speak again. “I think we are chasing memories and that isn’t how I want to live my life anymore, Reed. Goodbye.”

  Reed pulls me from the door. “Fuck, Hads! Why didn’t you find me? I would have been there in a fucking heartbeat. Love you madly, Hads, and fucking nothing you just said here changes it. I’ll find a way to prove it, no matter how hard or how long it takes, because what we have won’t happen again. This shit is once in a lifetime—for both of us. And you damn well know it. Actions, babe, and mine will have you never doubting them.”

  “Reed, what just fucking came out of your mouth is laughable. How would I find you, huh? Send you a fucking telegram because all communication wasn’t cut off by me. You changed your number, email, closed everything down. What did you want me to do? Hire a private investigator to find you? Hell no! You left me, not the other way around. This shit is on you and always will be. You can change your whole life and those actions will never be enough, you arrogant asshole.”

  “Hadley, that baby was as much mine to know about losing as yours. I didn’t get a chance to even know about it,” Reed says barely holding it together.

  “Because you fucking left me! You didn’t deserve to fucking know anything about my daughter. Losing her is your fault because if you didn’t leave me, I wouldn’t have been too depressed not to take care of her inside of me. She would be here with me now and I would have made sure you never met her because she would have been all mine!” I look at Reed, really look at him, and know he’s wrecked, but I can’t stop. For the first time, I can put the blame on someone else.

  “Reed, we are done. You walked away, you chose your path, and now it’s my turn.”

  I take a chance, looking at Reed once more before I walk out, and he’s gripping the counter, head down, tears rolling down his face. I can’t make myself go to him. I want him to feel this pain—I need him to feel this pain—because he’s earned it all. He needs to take it from me.

  I go straight home and call someone I know will help me this time.

  It’s been two weeks since my meltdown at Reed’s. It’s strange talking to someone that was so close to Bennett, but James is on the outside looking in, someone that knows me only post Reed. I never felt comfortable going to see a therapist, and James is the next best thing. He makes me feel better, more sane. I’ve come to a point in my life where I need someone to look out for just me, nothing else surrounding me. Our coffee dates are becoming my much-needed therapy. His favorite quote is, “There are three sides to every story: yours, his, and the truth somewhere in the middle.” So true, but how can I find the middle ground? He wants me to sit down with Reed to get my closure just like Courtney says, but when he says it I know I do. I just need time to figure it all out in my head before pulling Reed back into my crazy, messed up life. I know Reed still loves me, I can see it, I even felt it last time we talked. I don’t think I ever doubted that, even with everything, but it isn’t about if he loves me—I know he always has. It’s whether he loves me enough for the both of us now.

  Reed is my Achilles heel, the vodka to my limes, my kryptonite, all wrapped in one delicious, hot, tattooed package. I know James is right, Courtney’s right—hell, even I know what my mom says needs to be dealt with. What my pride is having the hardest time with is knowing that what Reed said has some truth, too. And those things I’ve said, he deserved none of it. It’s not his fault I lost our baby. If I had been stronger to deal with life, if I hadn’t been so weak…but I’ll never really know now. I should have gone to him because now I feel like I am no better than him for walking away when he needed me. But he has to deal with what happened and I need him to do that alone. The question now is if we can have closure with everything in the air between us. How do I open myself back up to him, knowing I can lose so much more if he decides not to need me anymore?

  I open the front door of my parents’ house and my whole family is sitting in the living room. I look at each of their faces, and deep in my heart, I know my mother took a turn for the worse. Dad sees me first and pulls me into a bear hug.

  “Baby girl, Mom isn’t doing well at all. Her body is rejecting everything now. It’s only a matter of time before she passes on. She wanted to wait for you to get here before we gave her any more of her morphine. Mom is in a lot of pain, but she wanted to talk to all of us before they give her the stronger meds.”

  I grab a hold of my father’s hand, and walk in to see my mother for the final time.

  She sees me and her face lights up in a smile. She looks far worse than what she looked like even yesterday when I visited. I know if Mom saw herself in the mirror, she would freak: no makeup, no wig on—but still my beautiful mom. “Hey, Mommy, Daddy said that you aren’t eating anything. I know you really want to get into those sample sizes but this isn’t the way to do it.”

  She laughs, but shortly, her laugh turns to a hard coughing. I get a cup of water off her table, giving her a sip of it. Mom gestures for me to take her hand. I let go of my dad’s and step closer so I can hold hers.

  “Oh, my wonderful, amazing, beautiful daughter. You were my surprise baby, the baby girl we got to pick and I thank God every day for you. Our family wasn’t complete until you came into it. I want you to promise a few things to me, okay? I want you to take care of your brothers and promise to keep Matt out of trouble. Make sure he finds a good girl, a girl to marry and that’ll give me grandbabies I can watch from heaven. Make sure your dad only golfs once a week and watch out for what he eats. He’s only allowed red meat on Sundays, and keep fruits and veggies in the fridge. Keep annoying Mark and Sarah about when they will have babies. I won’t be here to do it and—you’ll be the lady of this family—it’s your job to keep them on their toes. And there is not a doubt in my mind you can be the one to do it.”

  Mom looks around to my brothers and father and smiles. “And you, my Hadley, I know this will be hard on you the most. You were always like me; strong, yet super emotional. You have to promise me that you won’t lose your faith. Faith in God, faith in life and, baby, I know it’s the hardest for you, but your faith in love. Life is a roller coaster—twists, turns, highs, and lows—it all happens whether you are ready for it or not. Before you know it, it’s over and you are just left with the memories of the ride.”

  She takes a long breath and continues. “Choices—right or wrong—are what we have left, and that’s what you have with you when you die. Please, let love into your heart. I know you can do it. Some things will come after I am gone that I won’t be here to explain, so make sure you remember that. You forgot miracles can happen, Hadley, but they are everywhere. All you have to do is look.” Mom takes another hard breath

  “Mom, I’m going to miss you so much.”

  “Well good, baby girl, that means I left my mark on you.”

  She looks around to all of us. “I love you all to pieces and please, don’t be so sad for me. I’m going to be watching you all and no matter what, I know you will be with each other, and that makes all this mess peacefully beautiful.”

  I lean down and kiss Mom on the head, my lips linger on her cool skin. I hug her so tight, knowing it’s the last hug I will ever give her, and feel h
er tiny arms hug me back. She whispers softly in my ear, “Baby girl, you do what you think is best, but know that it’s okay to feel again.” I let go slowly, not wanting to stop, but everyone else needs their chance to say goodbye, too.

  My brothers and Sarah come over next to say their goodbyes and then, finally, my dad comes over. Looking at them say goodbye pulls at my heart—they are still crazy in love. Forty years of marriage and they still dance in the living room at night. Hold hands because they want to, not because they feel like they have to, and steal kisses when no one is looking. I idolize them. I sit here and know with everything in me that my mom is right. I want to feel again, even if it doesn’t last, even knowing I could dig deeper because nothing is ever promised.

  Sitting here, saying goodbye to her, something deep inside me knows I need to give Reed a chance to prove it to me. If I turn my back on it, I know I will never get a chance to love, to be loved like the way we loved, again.

  When my dad nods to Margret, she injects the pain medicine in Mom’s IV, and a minute later, my mom’s whole body deflates as the pain leaves her body, looking peaceful.

  Five hours later, with each of us surrounding her, my wonderful mother gives the world her last breath and leaves us, joining my daughter in heaven.

  Chapter 18

  Reed

  I stand there with my hands tightly gripping the counter, desperately holding on to what’s left of me. We would’ve had a four-year-old little girl running around. I picture her with Hads’ perfect eyes, sassing me like her mother always did, and loving every fucking minute of it. But I’ll never get that. I left my girl so fucking broken she couldn’t take care of herself and lost a piece of us we made together. I don’t know how many fuck ups I did in my life, but this one is the worst. The tears fall out of my eyes faster than I can wipe them away.

  I hear the door close and look up to see Hadley’s car leave my driveway. And more tears fall down my face. She fucking walked out on me, left me alone. If this is even half of what she felt five years ago, then I get her anger, I get the hate, I get all of it. But she can’t close the door to us, because no one will ever love her like I do. It’s fucking time for me to show her what she means to me. My girl is right and I can’t do anything to change the shit I did, but I’ll be damned if she walked out of my life forever. But how the fuck do I do it when she’s closed herself?

  Seconds, minutes, hours…I have no clue how long I stand there crying like a little girl before Lance walks in.

  “Rike, you okay?”

  I don’t say anything because a huge part of me wants to beat his ass again. I want to blame him for this. But, honestly, this shit isn’t his to take. If I had my shit together in the first place, if I had my fucking eyes open to the love Hadley had for me, I would have never fucking left her. I would have dragged her anywhere with me. But I was a fucking weak-ass bastard and masked what I was doing. I’m not any fucking better now than I was five years ago, maybe worse with the baggage I have. But I’ll be that man, that man Hadley always thought I was. I will be the fucking best I ever can be, for Hadley, for the baby we lost…for me.

  “Hadley was pregnant when I left, and she lost it.” My heart fucking rips open as I choke out the words. Hadley’s fucking face with tears covering every inch of it, me holding her while sobs take over her body, that image is fucking stuck in my head.

  “Fuck, I didn’t know. Courtney never said anything. Man, I would have told you that shit.”

  “I know. I just don’t have a fucking clue how to fix it anymore.”

  We don’t say anything else to each other until I grab my keys to the bike. “Thanks, Lance. I’m heading to the gym—I need to clear my head. Lock up when you leave.”

  I spend fourteen days fucking stalking Hadley, making sure she’s holding it together. I won’t go to her until I get my shit together, but I will be damned if I don’t make sure she is okay.

  A little after midnight, I hear my doorbell ring. I swear, over the course of the last couple of weeks, this door has gotten a lot more action than me. Courtney and Lance are outside as I open the door. Her face is red and wet with tears.

  “What is wrong? Is it Hadley?” It’s the first thought that pops into my head when I see her best friend cry.

  Courtney only nods and my chest tightens. “It’s not like that, Hadley’s mom passed away and she won’t talk to anyone but you. Will you come with us?”

  I don’t think twice. I run upstairs to change and then come downstairs while putting my hat on and buttoning my jeans. “You guys just tell me where, I’m taking my bike there.”

  I pull into the dark, quiet cemetery, thinking the bike may have not been the best thought, but all I could think about was when Hadley was upset, nothing helped make her think straighter than being on the back of my bike. I spot Hadley’s tiny frame lit by the moonlight, sitting at an empty plot with her knees to her chest and her head down.

  “You know, our baby has a marker here. It’s right here, next to where my mom will be buried.” Hads talks to me, but her face is locked on the marker.

  I sit down next to her and get a chance to read it.

  Baby Astra Collins

  April 5, 2008

  Born into the arms of Angels

  Till we meet again in Heaven

  “You named her?”

  “I did. She deserved a name, she deserved a life. Dad had her buried for me. I didn’t know it then, but I’m glad he did. I needed a place to go when I moved here, something to remember her by. I don’t know…sometimes it seems crazy. I was sixteen weeks along when I lost her and didn’t have a single clue I was pregnant, but I loved her so much. I saw her on the screen at the hospital and even without a heartbeat, she was perfect. Astra means the stars in Latin. It’s a fitting name for her, too. Every time I feel lost, I look up to the sky and feel a peace come over me.”

  “I love her name, beautiful. It’s perfect. Hadley, thank you for giving her my last name, with everything…it means more to me than you will ever know, babe.” I wrap an arm around her while she lays her head on my shoulder.

  “I just had to come here. I guess you know about my mom. I just had to sit here one last time and pretend my mom is still alive. Next time, both headstones will be here, two of the most important people to me will be in one place. I just don’t know anymore. But thanks for coming, Reed. I didn’t want anyone else here with me. Usually, it’s just me, but after we talked last, I knew you needed to see it before other people get a chance.”

  I don’t say anything because there is nothing really to say to make her feel any better. I just need to be there for her, and that’s just what I’m going to do. We sit there silently for a while, just staring up to the sky.

  “Let’s go take a ride.” I stand up, offering my hand to her.

  “Taking a ride sounds like the best idea right now.”

  “Oh God, Reed, I forgot about how much I loved doing that. Thanks so much. That’s exactly what I needed.” Hadley shakes out her hair from the helmet. We drove around for an hour with her hugging me and laughing at me. I sat there with one arm holding her leg—I couldn’t get enough of her. I said I would take her home, but “hell no” came from those lips before I could finish. My house it is.

  We walk into my front door and Loki, my golden retriever, comes barreling toward us going crazy. “Let me put him out.” Hadley nods while I walk over to the back door. When I turn around, she is staring at me, and desire is the only thing I see. I quickly walk to her and lift my hand to her cheek, and then Hadley leans into it. Without hesitating, I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her into me.

  “Reed, I’m done fighting against us. I want us, this, I want it all. Please.” I kiss her, and it’s the first time my lips have touched hers in five years. It’s fucking everything that I remember it being, drives me wild. She opens her mouth and I feel her tongue against mine as she moans into my mouth. I can’t take it. I push her against the wall and the need we’ve always had is
right there, taking over rational thought. My hands start traveling her whole body, feeling every inch of her.

  “Fucking shit, Hadley. Love you madly, babe. I’ve missed you so much and it fucking kills me saying this, but it’s not the right time. You just lost your mom and I can’t do it.”

  “Reed, it is, though. I need you.”

  “I know, and I’ll be there for you now, but not like this.” I drop my head to hers—I can’t be fucking selfish anymore.

  “I can’t stop it. I’m tired of turning you away, and tired of running away from my heart. I never stopped, Reed…never stop loving you, wanting this, craving this. Please, baby…it’s you—always.” She drags her hands under my shirt, scraping her nails against my skin and taking away all of my willpower.

  “Fuck, those words mean the world to me, babe.” I kiss down the side of her neck, and the only time my lips break away from her body is when she pulls my shirt off over my head, throwing it on the stairs. I unbutton her shirt and push it down her arms. Damn it, a fucking plain white bra has never looked sexier.

  As I kiss down to the top of her breasts, Hadley grabs me by my head and pulls me up until her eyes lock with mine. “If you don’t take me to your bedroom, we will be finishing it right here.”

  She doesn’t have to tell me twice. I pick her up caveman style and run two stairs at a time to my bedroom. Any other time, the wall would be where we fucked, but for the first time after so much distance has been between us, this earns the bed. I toss her down while I kick my shoes off, taking hers off and throwing them over my shoulder. Hadley rolls to her stomach and I finally see the tattoo on her shoulder blade: two sparrows moving away from each other and one toward the sky—must be for the baby we lost.