This Courage of Mine

by Amanda Bennett

  “Fine. Your time starts now.”

  “I know how you feel about me, and with good reason, but you have to understand where I was coming from. When our dad left, I was the one who had to take over as the man of the house. I tried to keep my mom sane and help raise Cami all at the same time. So when you two decided to get married, I just assumed that Cami would want me to walk her down the aisle. When she didn’t ask, I got mad. After everything I had done for her, I thought we had a special relationship, but it turns out I was just the annoying big brother. I know how stupid this all must sound to you, but it’s the truth. I was planning on calling Cami the other day to apologize and make things right with her. Then my mom called me, and that’s when I decided to just get on a plane as opposed to calling. She’s my little sister and she means the world to me. All I ask, is that you take care of her and make her happy.”

  “Are you finished?” I growled.

  “I guess so, yeah.”

  “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For being a man and talkin’ to me about all of this. I get where you’re comin’ from, but we never set out to hurt your feelings or your mom’s. That wasn’t our intention when we decided to get married the way we did. I just wish you would have told your sister before now.”

  “Me too. Thanks for understanding, and for listening to my side. We cool?”

  “Yeah man, we’re cool.” I stood up and shook Mike’s hand. “I gotta wake up your sister now. Big day.” I raised my eyebrows in mock excitement.

  “I’ll go get Mom up and get ready. See ya in a bit.” And just like that, I had a feelin’ that Mike and I were gonna be close friends.

  ****

  An hour later, we were pullin’ up to the hospital and parking the car. I knew I was gonna be nervous, but my nerves were shot by the time we were actually walkin’ through the doors that lead to the surgery wing. If I was feeling like this, I could only imagine how Cami was feelin’. I reached for her hand and tucked it tightly into mine, as I held it against my chest.

  As we walked into the surgical waiting room we ran into some of our favorite people. Kayla and Madison stood to greet us, along with Joey and my parents. Kayla walked straight to Cami, pulling her into a giant bear hug. I said hi to Madison and Joey, and then made my way over to my parents.

  “What are you guys doin’ here?” I gave my dad a quick hug, and then my mom.

  “Do you really think we wouldn’t be here for our daughter-in-law? We love her like she was one of our own. That, and we wanted to be here for moral support for you. We wouldn’t let you go through this alone.”

  “Thank you so much for being here. It means a lot to me. This is Cami’s mom Olivia, and her brother Mike. These are my parents, Joe and Nina.”

  “It’s nice to finally meet you both.” Olivia sounded sincere for the first time in a long time.

  “You as well. We’ve heard a lot about the two of you from Cami. You have an amazing daughter.”

  “Thank you, and thank you for being here for them like this.”

  “There’s nowhere else we would be. We’re just glad we could be here to help with whatever anyone needs.”

  “Hey buddy, how are ya doin’?” Joey came up behind me, puttin’ me in a headlock.

  “Joey, this is Cami’s mom and her brother. Olivia and Mike, this is my brother Joey.”

  Joey quickly let go of me and straightened out his shirt. “Ah, so you’re the asshole brother?”

  I slapped Joey across the back of the head. “Jo, dude shut up.”

  “Yeah, I’m the asshole brother.” Mike was actually being really cool about the whole thing and it kinda made me respect him more.

  “Well, now that everyone is acquainted with everyone else, it’s time for me to go back. Thank you all for being here. It seriously means so much to me. I’ll see everyone soon enough. I love you all.” Cami gave a small nervous wave to everyone, and then I held her hand and let her lead the way.

  We walked back through a long gray corridor that eventually led to a round desk where we had to check in. “Morning, Mrs. Green. I just need you to fill these out for me, and then we will take you back to your room.”

  Cami nodded and we both sat at the table across the way. “You hangin’ in there, baby?”

  “Yeah, I’m actually doing better than I thought I would be. It was nice that everyone showed up. It meant a lot to know that they all love me so much. I have to say, I was pretty shocked to see your parents here.”

  “Why? You know they love you like you were their own daughter.”

  “I know. We just don’t see them that often anymore, I thought maybe they would be mad.”

  “Never.” I kissed Cami’s lips before she could object, then sat back and smiled. “I love you.”

  A few minutes later, Cami was done and the nurse at the desk was leading us back to the room where Cami would get ready for surgery. Dr. Thomas came in and went over the entire procedure with us. The only time she actually got upset was when he gave her the option to shave her entire head, or half of it right down the middle. Needless to say, she went with the whole head. I believe she said, “Now I can wear those amazing wigs I see in the mall.” Even in the face of sadness, she could still make me laugh. Another ten minutes and they were wheeling her back to the OR. I got to go along for the ride until we reached the doors.

  “This is where you have to say good-bye.” The nurse gave me a pointed look, warning me not to take too long with my good-byes.

  I turned to Cami and leaned over the railing of her bed. “I love you more than anything in this world, baby. I’ll be right here waiting for you when you get out.” I cupped her face in my hands, as I gently pressed my lips to hers.

  “I love you too, Glenn. You are my entire world, and I can’t wait to see you when I wake up.”

  We kissed one more time and then they rolled her away. I stood there in the hallway like a statue, unable to move. My mind kept repeating the last words we exchanged with one another, over and over again. I would’ve stayed there the entire time, but a nurse suddenly appeared to escort me out. She deposited me in the waiting room, where my family and friends were all waiting with open arms.

  Chapter 32

  Cami

  “Cami, can you hear me?” I could vaguely hear Dr. Thomas’ voice, but I could still hear it nonetheless. “Cami if you can hear me, squeeze my hand.”

  I tried as hard as I could to do what he was asking of me. “Am I doing it?” The sound of my voice shocked Dr. Thomas just as much as it did me.

  “Cami, can you open your eyes?”

  I could feel my eyes fluttering, but they felt entirely too heavy to open. “I want to, but I’m pretty sure it’s not going to happen.” Dr. Thomas and whoever was in the room with him, started to laugh. “Can you open them for me?” I tried to laugh at my own joke, but my throat was far too dry.

  “Okay, let’s get her sipping on some water and maybe eating some ice chips if the water proves to be a challenge. Now Cami, what is your pain level?”

  “A lot.” I mumbled.

  “Okay, we’ll get you feeling a little bit more comfortable, and then you can start having visitors as soon as you can open your eyes. Sound like a deal?”

  “Hmmm, pain medicine. Okay, sounds good.”

  Dr. Thomas patted my arm. “The nurse is giving something to you now. Now here is the control for your medication pump. The other one next to it, is for the nurse.” I could feel him place something in my right hand, but I was too out of it to care. “If you feel any sort of pain at all, press this button and it will dispense small doses of medicine for you. I’ll be back in to check on you in about an hour. Get some rest.”

  I nodded my head, or at least thought I did. The next thing I knew, I could hear Glenn’s voice loud and clear. “Glenn?” I was trying my damndest to open my eyes, but everything was extremely hazy. “Glenn, is that you?” I could still hear his voice, but he wasn’t answering me.


  I felt someone grab my hand, but I was too weak to pull away. “Cami? Cami it’s Sarah, your nurse. Honey, your husband hasn’t been back to see you yet. Do you think you’re feelin’ up to seein’ him?”

  “Yes.” I half-whispered.

  “Okay, but I need you to open your eyes. Can you do that for me?”

  I nodded and opened my eyes as wide as they would go. My vision was still hazy, but I didn’t want to say anything just in case that was the determining factor in whether or not I got to see Glenn. “Now can I see him?”

  “I’ll go grab him. I’ll be right back.”

  It felt like hours had passed when Glenn finally came to see me. His sexy voice filled the room, and I started to cry. “Baby, come here.”

  “Oh babe, I was so scared. Seriously the worst six hours of my life. I love you so much.” He kissed me on the forehead, and then clutched tightly onto my hand. “How are you feelin’?”

  I carefully rolled my head in his direction. “I’m in a little bit of pain, but nothing too major. Did they get it all?”

  “It was a little bit more complicated than they first thought. The tumor was a bit larger than they expected, and it was very close to some blood vessels, that he had to go in a different way than previously planned. They did get it all though. You are officially tumor free, at least we hope.”

  I was fading in and out of sleep while Glenn was talking to me, but I tried to stay as focused as I could on him. “I’m so glad you’re here. I couldn’t imagine going through this without you.”

  “I would never let you go through this without me. Everyone wanted me to tell you hi, and that they all love you very much. The doctor said he would allow the rest of them to come back as soon as you are awake and somewhat functional.”

  I reached out for Glenn’s hands, pulling them to my chest. I tried to open my eyes a bit, so I could see his face but unfortunately, I couldn’t. I stuck my hand out as I felt around for his face, to bring it close to me. “Kiss me, baby.” I could see a shadowy figure coming towards my face and could only assume it was him. I let my hands be my guide and pull him towards me. His lips touched mine gently and I reveled in the fact that I could finally kiss him again.

  He quickly pulled back and his tone of voice became extremely serious. “Baby, can you see me?”

  “Yeah.” I lied.

  “Cami Renee, don’t you dare lie to me right now. This is serious, babe. Can you see me?”

  I shook my head. “No.”

  “Cami, are you kidding me right now. Give me that call button.”

  I handed him the other button that was sitting next to me. Within a few minutes, the doctor was coming into my room and asking me about a million and one questions. I answered them one hundred percent honestly this time, and I was devastated when the doctor told me what could be wrong.

  “Cami, I asked you about your eyesight for a reason. When we got in there, the tumor was far larger than we expected. Because we were working so close to the eye, we need to make sure your eyesight stays intact. Can you see anything at all right now?”

  I shook my head and could feel the tears starting to fall on my cheeks. I was terrified that I was now going to be blind, and instead of comforting me, the doctor and Glenn were making me feel worse. All I wanted when I woke up from surgery, was to see my amazing husband and have him tell me everything was gonna be okay. Instead, I was being treated like an idiot. The tears were falling faster now, and I couldn’t help but brush them away before anyone noticed.

  As my hand went up to catch a tear, I felt Glenn’s hand catch mine and move it away from my face. He had a tissue of sorts and started patting away the tears for me. “Thank you.” I whispered.

  “All right Cami. I’m going to put some drops in your eyes and then put some bandages over them. Let’s leave those in place for the next couple of hours, and then I’ll come back in and check on them. Is your pain being controlled?” I nodded in his direction. “Okay, I’ll be back in just a little while. Try to get some rest.”

  I heard Dr. Thomas leave and I immediately started searching for Glenn’s hand that had just been near me. “I’m right here, baby.”

  “I’m scared, Glenn. What if I never regain my eyesight? If that’s the case, I almost would have just lived with the tumor as long as I could. I couldn’t imagine never being able to see your face again, or never being able to see what our children would look like, if we were able to have them.”

  “I know, love. I know. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I wish I could just take it all away and ease your pain. I can’t pretend to know how you feel, but I know how I would feel. Just remember that no matter what happens, I will always be by your side. I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me.”

  I could hear the smile in his voice and I immediately smiled back. He was my shining light in the darkest of times, always. I was beyond lucky to have such an amazing husband and friend. Regardless of what happened from here on out, I knew I’d be okay, simply because I had him by my side. He was the best part of me, and nobody could take that away.

  Chapter 33

  Glenn

  After Cami fell asleep, I snuck out and made my way back out to the waitin’ room. So much had happened in so little time, and I had no idea how to deal with it all. I meant what I said to her about never leavin’ her side. I would always be there for her. She was my wife, my best friend and the one person in the world that I could see myself ever being with. She made me a better man, and I needed her like I needed air to breathe.

  I was on the brink of losin’ it when I reached the waitin’ room. I glanced up quickly at Madison and then made my way outside. There was no way I was about to lose my shit in front of everyone. I prided myself on keepin’ my shit together under pressure, but right now, all I wanted to do was cry.

  “Hey man, you okay? What did the doctor say?”

  I turned around to face Madison and just completely lost it. Madison caught me, and pulled me over to the bench across the way. Neither one of us spoke, he just squeezed my shoulder as I sat there hunched over, bawlin’ like a big baby.

  “Let it out, dude. Nobody is gonna judge you, and who gives a shit if they do. I honestly can’t believe that it took you this long to break down. Man if that was Kayla in there, I’m pretty sure I would’ve broke down the minute they said tumor.”

  “Thanks, Madison. I don’t even know what to think or feel at the moment.”

  “Did the surgery not go well? Did they not get it all?”

  “No, the surgery went great. The tumor was bigger than they expected, but they got it all. The only thing they needed to watch was her eyesight because of the proximity of the tumor to her eye. I guess the doctor asked her before I even saw her if she could see, and she told him yes. Come to find out, she can barely see anything. Everything is blurry and fuzzy and she can’t see color. Like what the fuck, Madison. Why didn’t she fuckin’ say anything?” I was goin’ from sad to pissed off, real quick.

  “What did the doctor say? I’m assuming she finally said something?”

  “Only because she was feeling around for my face when I was leanin’ in to kiss her. She only told him because I’m the one who noticed and I basically told her that if she didn’t tell him, then I would.”

  “So what happens now?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “We pray. He put in these medicated eye drops and then put gauze on her eyes so she can’t use them. He said he would be back in a couple of hours to see if she’s made any progress. What if-“

  “Don’t even finish that sentence, Glenn. You’ve been my friend for as long as I can remember and I know Cami almost as well. She’s a fighter, you both are, and I know no matter what is thrown your way, you guys will get through it. Everything is gonna be okay, I just know it.”

  I turned and gave Madison a huge hug. I wasn’t usually a hugger, but Madison had been my best friend since we were knee high to a grasshopper and his support meant the world to me. “Thanks, Ma
di.”

  Madison pushed me back, in mock anger. “What have I told you about callin’ me that? Dick.” We both started laughing, when Joey came sauntering outside to join us.

  “Hey big brother, what’s the word? Mom and Dad are startin’ to freak out, and I’m pretty sure Ms. Holt is two seconds away from havin’ a panic attack. You might wanna go in and update her on her daughter, bro.”

  I slapped my hand down on Joey’s shoulder a little harder than necessary. “Thanks, bro.” I knew by the look in his eyes that he was about to come after me, so I hightailed it into the hospital, just hopin’ he wouldn’t cause a scene.

  “You’re dead, Glenda.” Joey knew he would push my buttons by callin’ me that.

  “I’ll fuck you up, Josephina.” I laughed.

  “Boys! Watch your language and please for the love of god, settle down.” Joey and I both stopped and stood up straight and proper as my mom chastised us.

  “Yes, Mom.” We both answered.

  “Now tell me what is going on with our daughter-in-law.” I glanced between my parents and Cami’s mom and brother. They all seemed on edge and I felt bad lyin’ to them, but there was no way I was about to tell them that she might be blind when all is said and done.

  All eyes were on me and the pressure of it all was startin’ to get to me. No matter what I say, it was a sure fire bet that someone was gonna be upset. Kayla must’ve sensed my apprehension because she was instantly at my side, wrapping her arm around my waist and giving me a tight squeeze for reassurance.

  “Everything went really well. The tumor was quite a bit bigger than what they were expecting, but they are confident that they got it all. He just wants her to rest as much as possible for the next little while, and then everyone can visit her.” They all looked so relieved, and I just didn’t have it in my heart to tell them about her eyes. I glanced down at Kayla who was still holdin’ onto my waist. “Thank you, Kayla.”

  “Anytime.” She smiled up at me and then let go. “I’m gonna go talk to Madison real quick. I got you some coffee. It’s over there on the table.” She pointed at the table next to Mike.