No Going Back (Siren Publishing Allure)

by Redrae Gunn

  Caleb looked at his hands. He had to do this right. “Tayen, I freaked.”

  “Why?”

  “I saw that you weren’t on birth control,” Caleb started, but Tayen interrupted.

  “I know about Maria. What made you think I would do that to you?” When Caleb just shook his head, Tayen continued, “You never really learned to trust anyone since then. I am right, no?”

  “Yes,” Caleb sighed. “You are right.”

  “Did you read the full note?” Tayen asked. “I heard that you had torn it up.”

  “I did and I had,” Caleb replied. “Had to tape the thing back together and was thankful that I hadn’t shredded it.”

  “So you are here out of pity, or self-loathing?”

  “I am here because I believe you,” Caleb replied, meeting her dark gaze. “I am here because, without you, my home is so quiet. My mornings, however devoid of singing from my shower, are less peaceful. I am here because I was wrong, Tayen, and you deserve an apology more heartfelt than my meager words can provide.”

  “You hurt me,” Tayen whispered again as she wiped her face.

  “I know,” Caleb replied. Silence. “Give me the chance to trust you, please, Tayen? I trust you, just please give me the chance to prove it.”

  When Tayen didn’t respond, Caleb added, “I owe you that.”

  Tayen’s emotions caught up with her brain, and she whispered, “Yes, you do.” Then she backed through the door to his room, out of the lodge, and headed back to her cabin.

  The fog closed in around her like a comforting blanket. The sound of Half Smile’s paws padding beside her on the trail was comforting. Back at the cabin she started the fire and then went to see what supplies she still had left in the cabin. A simmering ham sounded fabulous with some onions, tomatoes, garlic, potatoes, and carrots. Tayen grinned as she filled the large cauldron with food and then set it to simmer over her fire.

  * * * *

  Tayen heard the two horses coming up the trail at a high rate of speed. Half Smile noticed it, too, so Tayen went in the house and packed her bags. She knew that cabin six wasn’t back yet. She knew the relay transmission through the mountains would be coming and that with her location she wouldn’t pick it up. She also knew that Maska and Jeff wouldn’t want to go tracking when they had her to do it. She had been all over the mountains for the past two weeks and knew the terrain best.

  Maska had Tayen’s natural sense of direction, but at twenty years her senior, he couldn’t run as fast as she could, and they would be constantly second-guessing each other. Best to send only one tracker down the trail.

  Tayen stirred her ham mixture again and scattered the logs in her fire pit. She pulled out four plates and waited for whoever was coming. The mixture was done just as Tayen heard the horses pass through the final climb on the trail. She brought the food in and cut an enormous slab off of the ham, allowing it to cool on Half Smile’s plate. She buttered slabs of her homemade, fire-baked bread and took some lemonade out of the fridge.

  Tayen smiled warmly when she saw Maska then her heart pounded as she saw Caleb with a trail pack and Maska leading the way to her cabin. She was not taking someone who didn’t trust her if she was truly going to search for cabin six. Maska was out of his mind.

  Tayen opened the door and then motioned for the two of them to help themselves to the meal. Maska told Caleb to eat up and then he pulled Tayen onto the porch where Half Smile was growling over her plate of ham-ridden bone.

  “You spoil that animal.” Maska shook his head.

  “She helped catch the food.” Tayen shrugged. “She can also help eat it. Plus I make her eat her veggies.” Tayen noticed though that Half Smile had pushed the baked potato to the side of the plate.

  Maska sighed. “Cabin six hasn’t shown up. They are twenty-four hours overdue.”

  “I figured,” Tayen said. “They are experienced hikers, so they will be alive. Just lost.”

  “Fog was thick. I didn’t see a return flare on their first night. The reports for some of the mountain men is that the fog has been thick through the canyons for a week.”

  “If they didn’t make the camp, they wouldn’t have seen the flare.” Tayen chewed on her second sandwich. “They would’ve known they didn’t make the camp. So maybe they made camp the second day and waited for the flare and then started again. A day behind, but still on course.”

  “They do trap and gather on their way,” Maska replied.

  Half Smile whined at Tayen and looked at her plate.

  “Eat your veggies,” Tayen scolded. When Half Smile growled, Tayen laughed. “Then take your bone and get off my porch.”

  Maska was a little surprised when Half Smile nudged her potato off the porch and then looked up at Tayen innocently.

  “I saw that,” Tayen said as she went inside. Half Smile sat and waited and licked Tayen’s face when she came out of the house with the other bone. “No more, or you’ll be sick. We need to leave soon.”

  “I will need you to leave trail markers,” Maska said. “I will also need you to fire flares every night just like always. The boys in the hills will watch for your white ones. They will know to relay to the lodge, because you know…that I can’t not know.”

  “Yes, Maska,” Tayen replied softly. “I know.”

  “Good girl,” Maska said, and Tayen instantly smiled at the praise. “Locators for you and Caleb.”

  “Fine,” Tayen sighed. She went back in to grab herself another sandwich. Then she wrapped the rest of the ham in plastic wrap and finished off with tin foil. She spooned out the six large onions and advised Caleb that, in swampy areas, mosquito repellant might not work but onions and garlic would. Caleb inhaled three of the soft onions and Tayen downed the others. Then they started in on the garlic.

  “I can already smell you.” Caleb laughed as Tayen stole a garlic clove from his plate.

  “Bears and mountain lions won’t like us much either,” Tayen added, which had Caleb searching the rest of the broth for any remaining garlic cloves.

  Tayen came outside two minutes later with her bag packed. Maska huffed when she set it down. It was only a backpack that she carried. No change of clothes and no tent, minimal supplies, two small blankets, and the rest to be found in nature. She would of course carry her machete, spear, bowie knife, and multi-tool.

  Tayen looked at Caleb’s pack and set a backpack like hers next it. Then she started digging into it, throwing out unnecessary things and placing needed things into his pack. Caleb came out and looked at what Tayen was doing. He raised his eyebrows and then shrugged his shoulders. She knew the trail the best. He would trust her to pack his bag, especially if she was lightening his load.

  “You have nothing to say about this?” Maska asked, testing him.

  “She knows the trail,” Caleb said as he slurped the broth out of the bowl he was holding. “I will trust her to know what I need.” Caleb turned and went into the cabin. Maska followed him.

  “That was the correct answer,” Maska said softly. “Just like she trusts you to know what she needs in certain areas. Don’t forget that.”

  “I was so…” Caleb trailed off and then glanced through the door. On the porch Tayen was holding up the potato and Half Smile was growling ferociously at her. Finally Tayen tossed the potato into the fire pit and Half Smile whined and licked Tayen’s face.

  “Spoiled animal,” Maska said.

  “Good girls,” Caleb replied, and Maska nodded his head.

  * * * *

  Sixteen hours later Tayen and Caleb collapsed at camp two. They had run all through the night and then vigorously hiked, jogged the next full day of sun as Tayen and Half Smile followed the faint tracks in the trail. The fog was so thick that Caleb found himself calling out to Tayen when he just went a few yards away to take a piss. The fog and mist was insane, and he didn’t have any idea how they would get dry, make a fire, or even eat. He didn’t care. He sat against a log and fell dead asleep.

  Caleb
awoke to a small fire and being uncomfortably warm. He was enclosed in a makeshift tepee of evergreen boughs. Tayen offered him some meat on a stick that looked suspiciously like a squirrel, but he didn’t care and dug into the meat. Bouillon cubes in warm water completed the meal, and Caleb fell back asleep looking at Half Smile growling as she slept under a blanket with Tayen.

  The next morning was scrambled eggs and ham. Caleb didn’t bother to ask Tayen where she had gotten the eggs as he was sure that he didn’t want to know. Then they were on their way. Four hours later, the sun was hardly making a dent in the fog when Tayen started cursing while looking at the ground.

  “What?” Caleb asked softly.

  “This is camp three,” Tayen said. She looked around. “It looks like they split up.”

  “Never split up,” Caleb said, and Tayen nodded.

  “They were second-guessing themselves,” Tayen said as she looked up at the mountain face that towered over them. “The fog made them think that they shouldn’t have reached this point yet. They would’ve confused it with this point.” Tayen pointed to a spot on the map further north than they were.

  “But there is all sorts of footprints in and out of this canyon,” Caleb said as he looked at the ground.

  “I need a moment,” Tayen said and held up her hand. “Stay right here, okay?” Caleb nodded, and Tayen took off in one direction, Half Smile in the other.

  Caleb forced himself to stay where he was, even when Half Smile was back to the camp first. Tayen arrived twenty minutes later, and she shook her head at Half Smile. Half Smile dropped a blue trail marker with the number six at the end of it. Tayen rubbed Half Smile’s head and sat down to start a fire.

  Cabin six had gone into the canyon and back out. They knew they were lost and were marking their trail. Smart hikers recognized when they were in a situation and were so much easier to track than ones who relied on themselves only, refusing to admit there might be a problem.

  Caleb wasn’t very sleepy, but Tayen said that they would rest and then run through the night, so he decided a nap was definitely in order. Again, he woke to a fire and meat on a stick. This time the meat looked like a rabbit, but again, he didn’t care.

  That evening dinner consisted of more lukewarm broth, wild mushrooms, and onions. Tayen shrugged her shoulders and said that they would be fine. Caleb wanted to argue with her that they were burning way more calories than they were consuming, but he decided to trust her. Then they started down the trail again.

  * * * *

  Three days later they emerged from the trail at Tayen’s cabin. Caleb and Tayen were toting a makeshift cot with one person on it. One of the hikers had fallen, broken his leg, and then taken sick. They had been lost in the canyon and fog, so they decided to stay put instead of getting lost further, which was exactly what they were supposed to do. Tayen was grateful that they had stayed in one spot. They were headed further north instead of west. They could’ve wandered forever.

  The police and local newspaper photographer were waiting at the main lodge when the group showed up.

  Maska growled at the crowd, and Caleb decided to take over. He was good with public relations, so he decided that he may as well do something to help as Tayen was filling in the EMTs on the hiker’s injuries. As Caleb handled the press, he noticed Tayen take off for the woods, Half Smile following her through the brush.

  When the crowd had left, Maska and Jeff were busy preparing dinner. David and Chad came in, and David displayed some of the photos he had taken of the grounds. Damien soon joined the others, and they were all looking through the photos.

  “Where are the other ones?” Chad asked, glancing at the table. “The ones of Tayen and Half Smile.”

  David set a large album on the table, and everyone at the table just looked at him. “I want to explain, first of all, that I took most of these pictures without her knowing it. In some of them she is nude,” David explained. “I have a huge ad campaign coming for a major distributor of women’s shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, so on, and I couldn’t think of a better campaign girl than Tayen.”

  “What David is trying to say,” Maska said, “is that Tayen doesn’t know she is the campaign girl, and she hasn’t screened the pictures yet.”

  “That is true,” David said. “I’ve been trying to tell her, but every time I try to catch her she is doing something else and I find myself taking her picture instead of telling her. She is my muse, my inspiration, my best friend, and I swear if I wasn’t gay I would’ve married her as soon as we had both turned eighteen.”

  “We are all her friends,” Maska said as he pulled the album over to himself and the others crowded around.

  Silence filled the room as Maska flipped through the pages. The last three pictures were the most impressive. Tayen and Half Smile were sitting side by side on the porch near dusk. They were each looking away from the other. The next picture they were both looking up at the sky. The final picture was them looking at each other.

  Maska pushed his chair away from the table and rubbed his eyes. “Those are amazing, David, and extremely personal.”

  “I know,” David sighed. “I need to tell her. I know that in the end she won’t care. It’s how I get the best photos of her.”

  “The rain shower one is one of the best,” Caleb said referring to a black and white picture of Tayen showering outside in the rain. Half Smile was jumping around a half circle slab of rocks, and Tayen appeared to be trying to get some soap on her. The final series of shots showed Tayen wrapped in a towel on the covered porch drying off Half Smile, who looked like she was enjoying the attention very much.

  “Those are very intimate,” Jeff said, and David ran his hands through his own blond hair.

  “I know, guys. I know,” David said, pacing. “Those will also make an amazing ad campaign.”

  “Along with the ones from the river,” Jeff said, referring to the photos of her washing herself in the creek. There was a small fire going and fish hanging to cook over the fire. Tayen had a small bed laid out, and Half Smile was lying on the bed watching Tayen wash.

  “My favorites are when she is leading the team and caring for them,” Chad spoke. “She has such a small frame, and yet those horses show such caution and attention to her. Plus it shows her Dominant side. That is a side that is probably never seen outside of this property.”

  Everyone in the room turned and looked at Chad. “I mean,” Chad stuttered, trying to explain, “she is taking care of them as she controls them. See that picture of her on the Ghost bareback. It’s like how she is with Half Smile. They are friends. But when she is working the team, in the hills, clearing the dead trees, she carries herself differently.”

  Chad turned the pages of the album and pointed it out. “Her head is down, her shoulders forward, her stance is different, and she is watching out for their well-being. She doesn’t want the team to be hurt or injured. After all they are helping her, doing her a service, so she is ever watchful of them. I find that instinct to be the most attractive thing about her in these photos. David caught Tayen’s Dominant, and no matter how submissive she may be to any of you, that Dominant comes out. I had to face it when she gave me the ’Cuda.”

  “Damien, Jeff?” Maska looked at them both. “Comments?”

  The screen door banged and everyone at the table jumped.

  “Comments on what?” Tayen asked as she looked at Maska.

  Everyone at the table was silent and looked at David. Jeff cleared his throat, and David started to speak. Tayen held up her hand as she noticed the photos on the table, so David just stood there with his mouth open.

  “I have already seen the photos, David,” Tayen said softly. “I was wondering if you’d noticed that a few were missing? The ones I found to be a little too, how should I put it, voyeuristic, I removed those from your albums. The work is yours of course, but I thought that, given the circumstances, I was well within my rights to preview the photos first.”

  David’s jaw dropp
ed further open, and Maska laughed hard, slapping his hand on his chest as he began coughing.

  “Impressive, Tayen,” Damien said as he set a large turkey at the end of the long table. Cabins four and five had left, and the three from cabin six who had returned from the hospital came in to join the group.

  David was going to clear the photos from the table, but the men were already looking through the album. Tayen shrugged her shoulders when David explained that he planned to use the photos for the ad campaign. The men were polite, but Caleb thought that they had spent a little too much time looking at the ones of her taking a “rain shower.”

  “Anything you can’t do well, Tayen?” one of the men asked after commenting on the number of fish that was hung over the fire in the river photo.

  “I don’t do crowds of women,” Tayen said softly.

  “Who does?” one of the men asked and chuckled.

  “I don’t play a musical instrument, and I don’t write poetry,” Tayen continued. Everyone looked at her. She was usually quiet and reserved, offering nothing personal to anyone outside her limited intimate circle of few friends. “I don’t have much of a fashion sense.” She looked down at her clothes, smiled at her leather, and then laughed. “I probably shouldn’t be in charge of anyone who can’t walk, talk, or fend for themselves, so no babysitting.”

  The room exploded in laughter. Tayen’s laughter was contagious, and she smiled shyly around the table.

  Caleb’s cock couldn’t help but get hard hearing her laugh. Her voice, her absolute honesty, it was one of many things he had adored about her, and he felt that familiar squeezing of his chest. His heart swelling, not just because she was beautiful, but because she was so comfortable with herself, all the strengths and weaknesses included.

  Caleb looked at Tayen. He wanted her back in his life. Needed her back in his life. Having her in his life once, he couldn’t feel alive without her.