Finding Justus

by Bretz, Amanda

  “You’ve told me all about yours, and I haven’t told you anything about mine. Believe me, that wasn’t by accident.

  I meant for it to happen that way. But then last night happened…and now I have this nagging on me to tell you.”

  “Justus,” he said softly as he reached for her face, “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. It’s all right that you haven’t mentioned your family. I understand if things were…hard for you and if it is going to upset you, then please don’t tell me.”

  “No, I’m okay. I want to tell you.” She turned her face from him and began to stare into the vast blackness that was sea and sky. “I was raised by my mother and grandparents. I was told that my father had died in a freak accident at work when I was just a baby. My mom tried to raise me and work for a short while, but it was too hard, money was too tight. And although my father was a good man, he hadn’t left any type of savings or life insurance to take care of us.

  “The struggles of being a young single widow were too much for my mom so my grandparents moved us from Arizona, back to Ohio where she was originally from. I was raised on a farm in a small, rural and very conservative town. My grandparents were also very conservative, and controlling. They provided a roof for Mother and me, but they never let her forget it either.

  “I had to attend church every Sunday, I wasn’t allowed to wear makeup, or date until I was eighteen, not that there were guys lined up waiting for me. The only after school activities I was allowed to be in were marching band or the school choir. They made me a geek,” she said with a laugh. She quickly sobered and continued her tale.

  “When I turned eighteen my mom took me on a special trip. We went to Cleveland for the weekend. I hadn’t ever been to a city before. I was amazed at the activity, and the size of it all. It turned out though, that Mother had an ulterior motive for the trip. She wanted me to be away from my grandparents before she told me the news.

  “She let me know that well, basically everything I had believed up to that point was a lie, that my whole life was a lie. My parents met when my mom was going through her hippie rebellion phase. She had gotten angry at my grandparents and left their farm after she graduated high school, she had vowed never to return again. Anyway, she met my dad while she was living in California with some friends from high school who had moved with her.

  “They fell in love instantly and moved in together. Well, of course my grandparents didn’t like the fact that my mom was living with a man she wasn’t married to, it wasn’t proper in their eyes. But she didn’t care, she loved my dad and that was all she needed, she said.

  “My parents hadn’t been together for too long when my mom found out she was pregnant with me. Mother was ecstatic. My dad wasn’t as excited, my mom said he was really scared about being a parent at such a young age, especially when he had so many other things that he wanted to do with his life.

  “But he vowed to take care of us both and he did for a while. He had some relatives in Arizona, one of them was his cousin who had a pretty good job, and he pulled some strings and got my dad a job.

  My mom said that once my parents moved everything between them changed, and my dad got depressed. There was pressure from both his family, who were devout Catholics, and my grandparents. His family wanted my parents to get married, my grandparents wanted my mom to come back to Ohio and have nothing to do with my dad.

  “Anyway, one day when I was about three months old, all the pressures just got to my dad, I guess. He left for work one morning and never came back. He didn’t show up for work that day. He just disappeared. Mother was left to raise me on her own. She tried to turn to my dad’s family for support, but she didn’t really find any. They were still bitter about the fact that I had been born out of wedlock, and in their eyes, I wasn’t really my father’s child.

  “With nowhere to turn, Mother finally gave up and called my grandparents for help. After much begging on my mom’s part, they agreed to help us, but not without Mother agreeing to certain conditions. One of the conditions was what I’ve already told you, about how I should be raised, very conservative. I was actually raised even more conservatively than my mom was. My grandparents did it in the hopes that I too wouldn’t turn into a rebellious hellion.

  “The other condition was that I was never to find out the truth about my dad. About his life, about his background, or that he had ran out on us and the fact that my parents were never married. When my mom told me this, I asked her what she meant by ‘background.’ She looked me in the face and I swear, I saw her visibly pale. She told me that the reason I had such dark hair, eyes, and complexion wasn’t because I was Native-American, like I’d been told my whole life, but because I was part Mexican-American.

  “My jaw dropped, I remember thinking, ‘I’m Mexican!’ I had been raised in an all white area, and my grandparents feared other cultures and races, so I wasn’t exactly the most open-minded person. But then suddenly the more I thought about it, the more sense everything made to me. Why me and Mother have the same last name as my grandparents, why I never really felt as though I fit in at school. My body definitely made sense, too. Believe me, it wasn’t easy going to a high school full of white kids with this butt.”

  Miguel laughed and shook his head and waited for Justus to continue.

  “I was okay with everything that Mother had told me until I got home and looked at my grandparents’ faces. Then everything came rushing to the surface and I knew I could never live in the same house as them again. I hated them for making Mother tell me a lie my whole life, and for making her feel like a prisoner, like she had done something wrong because they didn’t agree with her choices.

  “I also started hating my mother for telling me lies my entire life, and for not trying to make a different kind of life for us. A life where we didn’t have to rely on the false hospitality of my grandparents. Once I realized all of this I started making plans to leave. I had an after school job at the diner in town.

  “I had a little money saved, but not nearly enough to get away. I started working as many hours as I could get. Finally, late in the summer after graduation, I left. I went to the bus station and got a ticket for as far west as I could go.

  “I had planned on trying to get to Arizona to look up some of my dad’s relatives. I had to see if after all of those years they would still be bitter toward me, or if they would see how much I looked like my dad and finally accept me as his child.

  “Well, I was in for quite a shock when I got to the bus station and found I only had enough cash to get a ticket to St. Louis. So, I went and thought I could live there for a while, work and save up enough money until I could get to Arizona. But the longer I stayed the more doubts I had about my dad’s family. I didn’t think they would accept a half Mexican girl who had been raised white and knew nothing about my culture, or even the language. I now realize that it isn’t my fault I know nothing about my culture, but it still bothers me the same.

  “That’s part of why I am telling you this. You’ve made me so nervous from the beginning Miguel, because you know Spanish and I don’t. You can dance the salsa and the meringue and until I came on this ship, I never had. Not being connected to my culture never bothered me as much until I met you, because I never really knew it. How could I miss something that I had never had?

  “In St. Louis I never dated anyone who spoke Spanish. I never went to a club were they played Latin music. What bothers me most now is that I’ve had this small glimpse into the Latino culture, and I love it. I feel so at home, but I know when I go back to St. Louis I’m going to lose all that, and there is really not a damn thing I can do about it.”

  She turned to him for the first time since she had started her story. Her eyes were large, and glassy with tears. Miguel grabbed her and wrapped his arms around her. He stroked her back and kissed her neck.

  “Mi amor, shh. Mi amor, it’s okay.”

  He held her as though he wanted to take away all of her pain, frus
tration and suffering. Miguel held her and waited for the small, hiccupping sobs to subside. When she had composed herself, she stepped back out of Miguel’s arms somewhat and looked him in the eyes.

  She saw nothing but compassion, understanding, and kindness. It made her feel at ease, but for a second she was worried that he would think her strange or pathetic for telling him her family troubles. It really had nothing to do with him, and she had no real reason for telling him, but somehow the fact that she had gotten it off her chest made her feel better. It was no longer some awful deep, dark secret that she was hiding, and was ashamed of.

  Up until now, the only other people who knew about her past were Krystal and her aunt. Even that had taken Justus a long time to admit, and Krystal more or less beat it out of her after their second Christmas as friends had passed. At that point Justus knew her too well to lie about why she wasn’t going to Ohio, and why no family was coming to visit her.

  As Justus continued to look into Miguel’s eyes, she realized something miraculous had passed between them. She trusted him. The connection she had made with Miguel, the closeness she felt, the trust that he had somehow earned in the short period of time that they knew each other was amazing.

  “Come on, let’s walk,” she said simply.

  They strolled for a while around the top of the ship just enjoying each other, the night, the darkness and the silence. When they walked back inside the ship they were immediately surrounded by the rich sounds of lively music. They walked to the railing and looked down to see a live band playing in the center bar on the ship’s main floor.

  They agreed that they would go downstairs and hang around the bar and listen to the music for a while before going back to Miguel’s cabin. People were coming to hear the band in droves, which wasn’t surprising since they were excellent. Shortly after Miguel and Justus arrived on the scene the band switched styles from salsa to an earthier, sensual song and a petite, raven-haired woman stepped forward to sing.

  Justus and Miguel wasted no time and quickly joined the others dancing. The sultry sounds of the Spanish guitar, and the singer’s smoky contralto voice, along with the darkened area where the band was playing, only heightened the sensual mood between them. They danced, but said nothing. The dance, which was one Justus had never done before was a slow sultry number, a cross between flamenco and the tango. It wasn’t apparent to the average bystander that Justus was a beginner at this dance.

  Her body was moving fluidly with Miguel’s to a rhythm and flow to which it alone seemed to know. Indeed, it felt as if she had been born for this dance, this moment with Miguel. Neither spoke to each other, they simply danced, their eyes locked onto one another in a smoldering embrace.

  When the song ended, they continued right into the next song, a slower one, but equally sultry. They danced in a similar fashion, but with more showmanship. Miguel seemed to be pouring his very heart and soul into their routine. He was spinning, twirling, and dipping Justus with a passion that he had never shown before.

  They continued to move with feverish passion to each song until they were dripping with sweat, panting for breath and their clothes were clinging to them damply. They finally stopped to replenish themselves with drinks. Miguel had the bartender make Justus a mojito, which he explained to her was a popular drink in Miami. After one sip, she understood why. She liked the contrast of the cool mint leaves, tart lime and smooth rum. She drank it quickly and asked him for another.

  She sipped her second mojito more slowly. She could see that it wouldn’t be hard to get drunk off of the delicious concoction. After their invigorating dances and the emotional purging that she had experienced while reliving her past, she felt worn out. She asked Miguel if he minded leaving. They left together and walked in companionable silence to Miguel’s cabin.

  ***

  Justus awoke with a sudden start, and a heavy, pressing in her heart. She looked to her left and didn’t find Miguel there. However, she heard water running in the bathroom sink, and quickly laid her head back on the pillow. She closed her eyes and faked sleep, not sure she wanted to see him yet. She had things to sort through first, like the fact that this was it, their last morning together.

  Images from last night spun around in her head, the dancing, their conversation, their lovemaking. It was all displayed in her mind’s eye like beautiful facets in a kaleidoscope. She risked being caught awake long enough to open one eye and peek at the clock beside the bed, five o’clock. She knew that they would be parting soon. She had to go back to her cabin to secure all her baggage. Her breath seemed to get caught in her throat at the thought, she would miss Miguel. She heard the bathroom door open, and she made sure she lay perfectly still.

  Justus felt Miguel slowly climb back into bed. He reached out and very lightly stroked Justus on her face. Her face twitched only momentarily, his hands moved on to slide her silky hair through his fingers. Justus’ eyes fluttered open.

  “Good morning,” he said leaning over to kiss her.

  She smiled at him in greeting, though it never quite reached her eyes. She looked at him dumbfounded, not knowing what to say. Somehow ‘good morning’ didn’t seem like the right thing to say when in only three hours she would be saying goodbye.

  “Do you want to go get dressed and pack your things and then maybe we can have breakfast together, if there’s time.”

  She sighed to herself and nodded. She got up and began the search for her clothes. As she was pulling her bra on, Miguel came up behind her to kiss her neck. It was such a sweet and loving gesture that Justus bit her lip to hold in the tears. How was she ever going to say goodbye to this man?

  That one question kept rolling itself around inside her head all morning as she showered, dressed and packed. What would she do if she should start crying in front of Miguel? She couldn’t, wouldn’t, let herself cry, she had to be strong, even in front of Krystal. She wouldn’t let herself cry until she was safely at home in her own apartment.

  She let herself out of his cabin and made her way back to her room. She slid the door open as quietly as possible and snuck into the bathroom. Once inside she stripped her clothes off and turned the tap inside the shower on as hot as she thought she could stand it. She looked at her naked body in the mirror above the sink. Justus traced over her chest and upper body remembering her last night with Miguel.

  Their lovemaking had been especially tender and loving last night. Justus attributed this to the fact that it was going to be the last time they were together. She pulled the shower curtain closed as she stepped into the small quarters and thought about the level of vulnerability that Miguel brought out in her. Not only had she told him about her family troubles, but last night she told him about Alex. Justus had let him know that he had been her fiancé, and that she had caught him with another woman, but she didn’t tell him this was supposed to be her honeymoon cruise.

  A small sob escaped Justus. She bit her lip to keep from crying out loud again. Why did she have to leave Miguel? She wanted to stay with him, for good. He was the most amazing man she had ever met, ever been with. She lowered her head into the shower spray, trying to erase the stream of tears that were flowing down the front of her face.

  Waking up next to Miguel these past two mornings had felt perfect, it had felt right. She couldn’t imagine going back to her small apartment, to her empty bed. Justus had hoped that by telling Miguel what she had just been through with Alex, he would read between the lines and understand that she’d been hurt. She was vulnerable and afraid of being alone. She hoped that by telling him, he would offer to make their relationship work. She knew it was a long-shot, but it was what she wanted, yet didn’t know how to ask him for it.

  She would be having breakfast with Miguel soon, and then she’d have to face Krystal after that. She didn’t want either one of them to see any tell-tell puffiness in her eyes. Justus placed the side of her head against the cool tile wall and tried to pull herself together.

  ***

 
Justus jumped at the sound of a light knock on the cabin door. She had been staring at herself in the mirror for a full five minutes. She had been staring, without really seeing anything, just thinking. She brought herself back to reality and walked to the door and greeted Miguel.

  Together they walked onto the upper levels of the ship for the last time. Justus couldn’t help but feel a sense of melancholy. She tried to take in the scene completely, forcing herself to make a memory of this moment. There was a slight, fragrant breeze that stirred the fine hairs upon her neck. She tilted her nose in the air and smelled a mixture of sea air, Miguel’s cologne, and bacon. She turned to Miguel and smiled.

  They ate their breakfast in near silence, enjoying each other’s company just the same. Justus glanced at the clock on the wall of the buffet restaurant. It was time for her to head back to her cabin.

  ***

  Thank God, Justus thought when she finally saw the fasten seatbelt sign disengage.

  “I have to go to the bathroom,” she told Krystal as she unfastened her belt. Justus made the uncomfortable walk to the back of the plane and stepped inside the tiny space.

  She found solace in the one place she never dreamed that she could. She reached into her shorts pocket and pulled out the slip of paper that Miguel had given her. It contained his home and cell phone numbers as well as his email address. She turned it over in her hands several times, studying it as if she had never seen it before.

  Justus had given him her information as well; however, she wasn’t expecting him to call her. Miguel was a gentleman, and they had shared a magical week together, but that’s all it had been. It was over now, he wouldn’t call her and to save herself from future embarrassment, she would make sure she could never get in touch with him. She held her hand over the toilet and let the small scrap of paper flutter from her fingertips. Once it hit the blue water, she flushed the toilet for good measure.