Beautifully Broken

by Amanda Bennett

  I caught a glimpse of Gray smiling down at his mother, and I could see a part of Mr. Weston in his smile. It filled my heart with happiness. I slowly stood up to grab myself a glass of water. Gray and his mother were caught up in a discussion about our current health care system, and I had no problem tuning them out. I stood in front of the sink staring out into our backyards with overwhelming sadness. Even though there were others in my house to keep me company tonight, I still found myself feeling alone.

  I noticed that Gray and Reagan were still chatting amongst themselves, so I snuck out the sliding glass door out onto the lawn. I took a long sip from my water glass and steadied it on the edge of the porch.

  I lay down in the overgrown grass, staring into the star speckled sky. I had spent many nights after my parents’ death, just lying in this very spot wondering if they could see me. I caught the small tear that had started to fall down my cheek just as I heard the back door crackle as it opened. I didn’t have to turn around or even sit up to know that it was Gray. In a matter of seconds he was lying right next to me.

  His hand slid through the grass, searching for mine. When he found it he intertwined our fingers, squeezing tight. I didn’t say a word, just reciprocated by squeezing his hand back. I found peace just being in the presence of Gray, and tonight was no exception.

  I gradually turned my head in his direction, only to realize that he had been looking at me the whole time. “Do you even realize how beautiful you are?” He whispered quietly, I’m not even sure I was meant to hear him.

  A small smile reached my face as my eyes instantly locked onto his. “You know this, me and you, won’t work right now right?” I knew I was ruining this moment we were sharing, but he had to know.

  He turned his head to face the night sky. “I know Bennett. I wasn’t asking for anything from you. I never have.” His voice was laced in anger and I knew I had ruined our perfect moment.

  His fingers let go of mine and he pushed himself into a sitting position while shaking his head. “Don’t you see it Bennett? Can you really not see beyond yourself? I lo-. Just never mind, dinner is ready, let’s go eat.” He stood and wiped his hands down his pants before heading inside.

  I huffed as I stood up and grabbed my glass from the porch. I knew I had hurt his feelings just now but if he was leaving me in a couple of months, I had to start pushing him away now. It only made sense to spare myself the heartache I knew that I was going to have to endure. It was inevitable, and it made me want to die.

  Five

  Dinner was amazing. I hadn’t had a home cooked meal or at least one that hadn’t come from a box, in I didn’t know how long. I made sure I told Gray, at least a dozen times how great it tasted. He was acting strange and I knew it was my fault. Mrs. Weston prattled on about meaningless things; I could tell that she sensed the tension between the two of us. I knew it wasn’t in her nature to pry. When we were all done eating, I immediately went to cleaning and loading the dishes into the dishwasher.

  Gray helped clean off the counters and then turned to leave with his mother. I was taken aback with the fact that he didn’t even hang back a second to hug me good-bye. Mrs. Weston said a quick good night and they both walked out the front door. I stood on the other side of the closed door, baffled. What had just happened? My sadness suddenly turned into pure rage, unleashing all of it onto the contents of my house.

  Picture frames and glass shattered at every corner of the living room. I heaved the half moon wicker chair across the entryway along with CDs, books and movies. I ripped each and every picture from every wall in the house, my nails chipping the paint in the process. I moved my way into the kitchen and nothing was left untouched. Pots, pans, plates, silverware, glasses and vases were helpless to my fists. When I finally made my way into my bedroom, I slumped down against my bedroom door tears falling uncontrollably down my face.

  I wish I could say that my fit made me feel some sort of relief, but it didn’t. If anything, I ended up feeling worse off than before. I sat my head against my knees that were pulled up to my chest and let every emotion I had boiling up inside of me, out. When my legs started to fall asleep, I crawled across my bedroom floor and up onto my bed. I curled up in the tightest ball possible and faced my back towards Gray’s window. I knew that he would at least check on me that way, but I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me.

  My eyes felt like twenty pound weights on my face when I woke the next morning. I let out a yawn, stretching the length of my bed in all directions. My body was extremely stiff due to the fetal position that I had stayed in all night, but nothing compared to the pain that went shooting through my knuckles. I instantly cried out in pain. I wandered into the bathroom to wrap my hand.

  I put some antibacterial ointment on my knuckles after checking for shards of glass. I wrapped it in gauze and then again in an ACE bandage. As I was fastening the Velcro on the bandage, I heard crunching glass. I flung open the door and started screaming as I ran down the hall. “BE CAREFUL! ITS EVERYWHERE!” When I finally reached the source of the noise Hannah stood staring with a perplexed look on her face. All I could think, was at least it wasn’t a look of pity. I was getting really sick of that look.

  “Hi Han.” I made sure to keep eye contact, with no hint of forgiveness in mine. “What are you doing here?” I was pissed and I needed her to know. I walked into the kitchen pantry to grab the broom, ignoring Hannah in the process.

  “What happened to your house?” She whispered.

  “Nothing. I’ll say it again, why are you here Han?”

  She moved to sit at the kitchen table. “I came by to apologize Bennett. I am s-” I cut her off mid sentence. I was so over her and Gray, and their apologies. For once, I just wanted one of them to be honest. I knew what I was going to say next would make her never want to speak to me again, but I was beyond caring.

  “Hannah, I don’t give a shit how sorry you are. You claim to be my best friend. You have always been there for me, but then you hide this shit from me.” I began waiving my arms in the air for emphasis. “You straight lied to me more than once. Not once did you think to yourself, maybe I should tell Bennett. Not once. You and Gray are beyond selfish. You were only concerned with yourself and how he made YOU feel. Well, I deserve a better friend than you. I would have never done this to you, EVER! Now get out of MY house.” I slammed the broom into the dustpan as I continued to sweep. I didn’t have to look up to know that Hannah was running out of my house, in tears. I heard the door slam and I let out a deep sigh.

  “Well, if I would’ve known that this was who you were going to become, I would have never told you.” His voice startled me and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes and continue cleaning.

  “What do you want Gray?” I whispered.

  “What happened here Bennett?” His voice was stern. It was sexy as hell.

  “Why the hell do you care? Nothing happened here. You left. Some pictures fell shortly after.” I couldn’t turn to look at him.

  “That’s bullshit Bennett, and you know it. Did you decide to throw yourself a little pity party? Huh?”

  It took everything in me not to turn around and deck him across the face. Who did he think he was coming into my house and accusing me of throwing a pity party. “You’re damn right I did, asshole. When you turned your back on me last night and didn’t even say good-bye, I guess I did throw a pity party! What’s it to you?” I spat.

  “Are you trying to push everyone away Bennett? I’m pretty sure after that little speech, Hannah will never speak to you again. I hope that makes you happy.”

  “It does! Now leave me alone!” I turned to walk into the living room but a strong hand caught my forearm in a tight grip.

  “Don’t touch me Gray. Just let go and leave.” I jerked my arm trying to free it, but he only gripped tighter. He pulled me into his chest and I immediately gave in. I leaned into him and couldn’t stop the sobbing that followed. He gently wrapped his comforting arms around me,
squeezing me just enough to let me know he wasn’t letting go. “Stop pushing everybody away Button.” I heard a chuckle vibrate through his chest.

  “Don’t call me that.” I chuckled back.

  Gray led me to the kitchen table and sat me down, while he fetched me a glass of water. “Here drink this. Plastic was all I could find that wasn’t broken. You sure did a number on your parent’s place.” He sat next to me with his hand on my knee.

  “Don’t call it theirs Gray. Its been mine now for two years.” I tensed under his gaze. I could tell that he had forgotten that it had been exactly two years ago today, that I had lost my only reason for living.

  The back of his hand brushed down my cheek gently, instantly calming me. Tears began to fall again, and he caught them with his fingers one by one. “I am so sorry Bennett, I should have remembered.” He hung his head in what I could only guess was shame.

  “I’m fine Gray, I promise.” My tears told another story. He leaned in to hug me but I squeezed past him, heading out into the living room to finish cleaning up my mess.

  “I’ll help you.”

  I nodded in appreciation. We cleaned in silence for at least two hours. I gathered each broken picture frame off of the glass-covered floor, not being able to bring myself to look at the pictures they held. We finished around 3:30pm and I glanced over at Gray and smiled. I saw my best friend as a new man, and not a young boy. I ran into his arms and apologized profusely. I needed him to forgive me, almost as much as I needed air to breathe. I looked up at him through my veil of hair and squeezed him tighter, before letting him go.

  “You want to stay and hang out for a bit?” I was surprised when he said yes.

  We spent the rest of the day lying in each other’s arms on the couch, watching movies. After one in the morning I shifted around to look at him. “Will you stay with me?”

  He nodded his head and I snuggled deeper into his chest and drifted into a dreamless sleep.

  Six

  End Of Summer

  Graduation had come and gone, as did summer. I had known this day was coming for exactly eight months and ten days. It still didn't make the fact that he was leaving me any easier. Knowing the time was coming only made it that much harder to deal with. Gray had literally been my whole world for the last thirteen years. He knew me better than I knew myself, and I was petrified to be without him. Sure, I would be starting college soon but it just seemed wrong that our lives were headed in separate directions.

  When Gray told me he was going to be joining the police academy, I cried for two whole days. I couldn’t bring myself to leave my house. This wasn't how we had planned it. We were both supposed to go to the same school, have some classes together, and share the college experience the way best friends should. Knowing that Hannah would be there with me gave me some sense of relief but it just wasn't the same.

  It took some time, but she eventually forgave me for my outburst and we ended up closer than we had ever been. It took a little while for her and Gray to be able to hang out around each other, but we managed. We all ended up having the best summer ever. We went to parties, clubs and even made it into the city a few times. I was sad to see it all end.

  Once the last bit of pink sky turned to black, I decided to head back into the house. I had spent most of the day in the tree house. Gray was busy getting his things together and ready for the academy. I figured I might as well get used to the loneliness now. I slid open the back door not knowing what to do with myself. I glanced at the clock on the kitchen wall and sighed heavily realizing that sleep would most likely be evading me, yet again. My house had turned into my solitary confinement since laying my parents to rest, and I had learned to accept it.

  Four months before Gray’s father passed, my parents had been in a terrible car accident that claimed both of their lives. The only thing that I can remember clearly from that night was Gray’s mom coming over to give me the news, which would forever change me. Gray hadn't left my side since that fateful day. His mother tried to get me to move in with her and Gray more than once but I just couldn't bring myself to leave “my” home. It was the last place I was with both of them and leaving just felt wrong, like I would be leaving a part of them behind.

  I still spent practically every minute of the day over at Gray’s house with him after that. I would head over in the mornings before school, study, hang out and then after Gray would walk me home at night. Gray used to offer to stay with me every time he would turn to leave, but I insisted that I was fine. Even though I was anything but. Those were my moments of weakness, when I would cry myself to sleep and he should have never had to see that. Gray and his mother were the most selfless people I had ever met. His mother always told me that our grief would make us stronger people. After a month, I was beyond repair. Gray began sneaking back into my house through one of the kitchen windows and sleeping on the couch shortly after.

  The crying rarely eased up, and slowly Gray would start holding me while I would cry myself to sleep. My crying stints became less and less, but only if Gray was there to hold my trembling body in his arms. We spent night upon night talking, once I stopped crying all together. He eased my pain in a way I never thought possible and just in time for me to help him with his. I would be eternally grateful to him.

  I rolled over towards my small bedroom window that faced Gray’s, trying to see if he was in his darkened room. It only took a second for his eyes to find mine. I watched him as he turned on his bedside lamp. It illuminated every chiseled facet of his gorgeous face and body. A smile broke out on his face, and I couldn't help but smile back. Against my better judgment, I waved for him to come over. In less than a second his light was off and I could see his muscular frame crawl out of his window, sprinting straight over to mine. I pushed up on the frame, while staring at how his white cotton shirt hugged every muscle across his chest and shoulders. Gray was definitely something to look at.

  He climbed onto my bed and discarded his shirt onto my bedroom floor. I pressed my back into his chest, letting his strong arms consume my body. This was home but yet again my comfort in this, in how we were together, would be leaving soon.

  I breathed a heavy sigh before I whispered, “Hi.”

  “Hi yourself. You doing okay Button?” He chuckled in my ear. Gray had been calling me Button since the sixth grade, when he dared me to stick a button up my nose. He swore it wouldn't fit. Boy was he ever wrong. My mom took me straight to the emergency room knowing damn well she couldn't get it out herself. I was humiliated, but Gray thought it was hilarious and the name has stuck ever since.

  “You know I hate it when you call me that.” I nudged him in his ribs making him laugh even harder. “I guess I'm okay, for now.” I sighed.

  “I know it's going to be hard Bennett but I promise you, things won't change between us. You’re my best friend and that I swear, will forever remain true. I love you Button.” He kissed the back of my head quickly and gave me a slight squeeze. I nestled further into his chest not wanting this moment to end. He was my best friend and no amount of distance could change what we've been through, or what we mean to each other, nothing!

  I woke the next morning to a cool breeze blowing against my back. I shivered involuntarily and reached for my comforter. Instead I stumbled across a piece of paper tucked up under my side. I scrambled to wrap my comforter around myself and lay back to read what good ol’ Gray had to say.

  Sorry, I had early testing today and I didn't want to wake you. I hope you slept ok, I know I did;) I'll text you when I get done.

  Love

  G

  I couldn't help but smile. I knew that we were slowly but surely blurring the lines of our friendship but I was beyond caring. I sat up, closed my window and then headed out to the kitchen for a bowl of cereal and coffee. I so needed coffee!

  Seven

  My day seemed to drag by extremely slow without Gray. I ended up cleaning my entire house, which only took about three hours. I tried to keep myself b
usy, but nothing was working. Around 3:00pm my phone went off, alerting me to a text message. When I saw Gray’s name flash across the screen, I began beaming. I didn’t want to, but I missed him terribly. I just wanted to hang out with him as much as possible before he left. I slid the bar across the screen opening up the text. A smile as wide as the Grand Canyon spread across my face as I read his sweet words.

  HEY BEAUTIFUL, JUST FINISHED

  UP AND WAS THINKIN ABOUT YOU.

  YOU WANT ME TO COME BACK OVER?

  G

  My stomach filled with butterflies. It was killing me how badly I wanted to see him. I sat against the couch and pondered whether or not it was a good idea. I knew what my heart wanted, but my head was fighting tooth and nail to push him away. My smile fell when I realized what I needed to do.

  SORRY HON. I HAVE SOME ERRANDS

  I NEED TO GET DONE BEFORE SCHOOL

  STARTS, RAINCHECK??