Secrets According to Humphrey

by Betty G. Birney

  Human Secrets I Know About

  - A student is leaving Room 26 soon. I don’t know which student and I don’t know when.

  Question: Why is Mrs. Brisbane happy about that? Because I am NOT-NOT-NOT!

  - Aldo has a secret that his wife, Maria, told him. What is it? (No clue)

  - Joey’s secret is that he doesn’t enjoy reading. Will my Plan work?

  - Secret Clubs: They started with Kelsey and Phoebe. Now Rosie, Cassie and Sophie have a secret club. So do Tall-Paul and Small-Paul. Feelings are being hurt. How to stop that?

  - Ms. Mac has a secret longing to have a class pet. Will she get another hamster? Will she love it more than she loves me?

  My Secrets

  - I write my secret thoughts in this wonderful little notebook. But I don’t let anyone else see it.

  - I have a lock-that-doesn’t-lock and I hope no one ever discovers that secret, either.

  Question

  - Are secrets good? Or are they bad?

  HUMPHREY’S TOP SECRET SCRIBBLES

  Secrets, secrets everywhere,

  Should they stay secret, or should I share?

  8

  Secrets, Secrets Everywhere

  So who solved the Riddle of the Sphinx?” Mrs. Brisbane asked the next morning.

  I certainly didn’t raise my paw, but I was surprised to see almost every hand go up.

  I was amazed. Were there actually any three-legged creatures?

  “I wonder how many of you figured it out on your own and how many looked it up,” the teacher said. “How about you, Thomas?”

  “I looked it up. It was in one of my library books,” Thomas said.

  “Paul F., did you look it up?” Mrs. Brisbane asked.

  Paul looked down at the desk. He seemed embarrassed.

  “I didn’t say you couldn’t look it up,” Mrs. Brisbane said. “In fact, if you couldn’t solve it on your own, I think it would be smart to look it up.”

  Small-Paul and most of the students in the class looked relieved.

  “I would have looked it up in the library, but I couldn’t find the right book,” I squeaked.

  Mrs. Brisbane looked over at my cage and smiled. “I wonder if Humphrey knows the answer,” she said.

  “No, but I wish I did!” I replied.

  Of course, all she heard was SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEAK.

  “So who is going to tell me: What creature walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon and three legs in the evening?” Mrs. Brisbane asked.

  Hands were waving everywhere, but she called on Stop-Talking-Sophie.

  “I looked it up online and the answer is humans, because the beginning of life is like the morning, when people are babies and they crawl on all four legs. In the afternoon, when they’re older, they walk on two legs. And in the evening, when they’re very old, people sometimes walk with a cane. Once you know the answer it seems easy. But before I looked it up, it seemed impossible to answer at all,” Sophie answered without even taking a breath.

  “That’s true, Sophie,” Mrs. Brisbane said. “I think all riddles seem easy once you know the answer. But the legend is that many travelers lost their lives because they didn’t figure it out.”

  Rosie raised her hand. “Why didn’t the travelers look it up?”

  “They couldn’t go online back then,” Thomas said. “They didn’t have computers that long ago. I read about it in a book, but they probably didn’t have books, either.”

  “They didn’t have books the way we do,” our teacher explained. “They had papyrus. It was very expensive, so hardly anyone had any. Students who were learning to write practiced on bits of stone.”

  Thomas groaned. “That would sure make your backpack heavy!”

  That made everyone laugh, including Mrs. Brisbane.

  I was glad I had my little notebook, which hardly weighed a thing. Imagine if a small hamster had to write on stones!

  Next, Mrs. Brisbane taught math, but it was a very funny kind of math they used in ancient Egypt. Instead of numbers, they used symbols and there were only seven of them.

  Each 1 was a single line. That was easy, but as the numbers moved up, the symbols were stranger and stranger. A coil of rope stood for 10.

  A finger represented 10,000, which is a very large number.

  When Mrs. Brisbane showed us the symbol for 100,000, Og let out an extra-loud “BOING!”

  The symbol for 100,000 was a frog!

  “BOING-BOING-BOING!”

  Of course, my friends all laughed.

  When Mrs. Brisbane finished showing us all of the symbols, I was disappointed that one of them was not a hamster.

  But I was happy there was at least a frog. Really.

  Mrs. Brisbane put up some math problems for the class to solve using the symbols.

  Near the end of the class, Mr. Fitch appeared, carrying a book.

  I scrambled up to the tippy top of my cage and saw that the book had a dark red cover. I crossed my toes and hoped.

  “Sorry to interrupt,” he said. “I found this book with a hold slip for Joey in Room Twenty-six. I thought I’d bring it down in case he needs it.”

  First Just-Joey looked surprised. Then he frowned and shook his head. “Not for me.”

  Mr. Fitch walked to Joey’s table and handed him the book. “It’s a good one,” he said.

  Joey took the book.

  The slip I’d written on was still tucked inside and Joey read it.

  “Thanks,” he said, but he looked confused.

  “Thanks!” I squeaked.

  “What’s the book?” Mrs. Brisbane asked when Mr. Fitch was gone.

  “It’s called The Jungle Book,” Joey said. “It has a lot of animals in it.”

  Mrs. Brisbane looked pleased.

  And I was HAPPY-HAPPY-HAPPY that my Plan had worked.

  But I still wasn’t sure that Joey would like the book.

  Mrs. Brisbane kept on talking but Joey wasn’t listening.

  He opened the book and stared at the first page.

  I think that Mrs. Brisbane knew that Joey wasn’t listening, but she didn’t say anything.

  Joey turned the page.

  I crossed my toes again.

  My poor toes were aching by the time Mrs. Brisbane split the class up into their groups.

  I wanted to keep track of Joey and the book, but there were so many things going on, I forgot.

  First Phoebe waved her hand at Kelsey, wiggled her fingers and winked. I guess Kelsey forgot that she was helping to hold up the blocks for the pyramid. She started to return the signal while Simon was gluing the next one on.

  The pyramid collapsed into a heap of blocks.

  “Now look what you’ve done!” Simon said.

  I didn’t blame him for being irritated. Rosie was annoyed as well.

  “What happened?” Mrs. Brisbane asked when she rushed over to their table.

  “Kelsey let go,” Simon said.

  “It was an accident,” Kelsey said.

  “Well, Be-Careful-Kelsey,” Mrs. Brisbane said. “Help Simon and Rosie set it up again.”

  The room was peaceful for a few minutes, but then Joey shouted, “Hey, watch out, Sophie! You almost got paint on my book.”

  When I glanced at Sophie, she was looking at Rosie. Both of them had very red faces.

  Mrs. Brisbane hurried over to the Artists. “What happened here?”

  “She’s acting strange,” Joey said. “She was making these weird moves. I think she flipped out or something.”

  “Joey! That’s not a nice thing to say,” Mrs. Brisbane said.

  “I think there was a fly buzzing around my head or maybe it was a bee or a mosquito and I was trying to wave it away and I spilled some
paint but not on his book,” Sophie explained.

  I think that she was performing her secret sign for her secret club.

  Once the class was back at work and Mrs. Brisbane was talking to the Scribes, Small-Paul, Tall-Paul and Fix-It-Felipe spread their arms like wings and said something that sounded really strange. I think I heard “Flying Pharaohs” in the middle.

  That made Joey look up from his book and frown. Maybe it was because they interrupted his reading, but maybe he wanted to be in a secret club, too.

  Holly watched all the strange signals, too, and she didn’t look happy about it, either.

  Just before the bell rang, while my friends were cleaning up their tables, Thomas tapped Joey on the shoulder and pointed at the book.

  “I read that one,” he said. “Do you like it?”

  “It’s pretty cool. I’d like to live in the jungle with those animals,” Joey said. “But it’s awfully long.”

  Thomas shrugged. “So what? It doesn’t matter how long a book is. You start at the beginning and keep reading until you get to the end. When you get to the end, you start another book.”

  Joey thought for a moment and then he grinned. “I can do that.”

  It had been an unsqueakably strange day but at least one thing had turned out right.

  Joey liked a book!

  When the room was empty, I hopped on my wheel and spun as fast as I could.

  I was going so fast, at first I didn’t notice that Mr. Morales had come into Room 26.

  He was talking to Mrs. Brisbane near the door.

  Sometimes I wish I had a brake on my hamster wheel, but I spun slower and slower until I could hop off and listen.

  “So far, it looks as if the plan will work out,” Mr. Morales said. “I got this from her mom today.”

  He handed Mrs. Brisbane a piece of paper.

  “Wonderful,” she said as she read it. “Oh, the whole class will love this!”

  “We might even get the local television station to cover it,” he said. “There’s never been anything like this at Longfellow School. But the important thing is, we have to keep it a secret.”

  Mrs. Brisbane put a finger on her lips. “My lips are sealed,” she said.

  That couldn’t be true, because if her lips were sealed, she couldn’t talk! Humans say the strangest things sometimes.

  “You hear that, Humphrey and Og?” Mr. Morales pointed toward our table. “Not a peep out of you about the secret!”

  I like Mr. Morales and he is the Most Important Person at Longfellow School, but I had to squeak up for myself.

  “I don’t even know the secret!” I squeaked at the top of my small lungs. “And I don’t say ‘peep’ and neither does Og!”

  “BOING-BOING,” my froggy friend agreed.

  Mr. Morales chuckled. “I guess he’s saying the secret is safe with him.”

  Well, he was WRONG-WRONG-WRONG about that!

  After more talking, they both left Room 26 for the day.

  Og and I were alone at last.

  I jiggled my lock-that-doesn’t-lock and scampered over to Og’s tank. “I don’t understand,” I squeaked. “Why is everyone so happy that one of our students is leaving?”

  Og splashed and splashed and I had to scurry away to keep from getting wet. I don’t ever want to get wet!

  When he settled down, I moved closer again.

  “But did you hear what Mr. Morales said? He said her mom. So the person leaving is a girl!”

  “BOING-BOING-BOING!” Og boomed.

  I didn’t want one of the girls to leave our class, either. I didn’t want anyone to leave.

  “And why would the television people come, just because one girl is leaving?” I continued. “I thought reporters usually cover car chases and weather and a market where you can buy socks. Although why they report on the sock market every day seems weird to me.”

  “BOING!” Og agreed.

  I realized that Aldo would be coming to clean soon, so I hurried back to my cage and slammed the door behind me.

  Before long, I heard the RATTLE-RATTLE-RATTLE of his cleaning cart.

  The door opened and when he switched on the lights, the room was as bright as it was during the day.

  “Hey, how are my favorite students in Room Twenty-six?” he asked.

  Before I could answer, he was busily sweeping the floor. I watched Aldo carefully as he worked because I knew he had a secret, too. And maybe he would give us a clue like Mrs. Brisbane did.

  But his lips were sealed. He didn’t say a word—or a peep!

  When he was gone, I opened my little notebook and, by the glow of the streetlights, I added some things to my list.

  Human Secrets I Know About

  - A student is leaving Room 26 soon. I don’t know which student and I don’t know when.

  - It’s a girl.

  - Sophie still misses her old school. What if she’s going back?

  - Kelsey’s dad wants to take the whole family to New York City. Maybe they’re moving there?

  - Question: Why would they send a television reporter to cover either of those?

  I nibbled on my pencil for a minute. Then I added something that made me happy.

  - Joey’s secret is that he doesn’t enjoy reading. Will my Plan work?

  - YES, I think it will.

  HUMPHREY’S TOP SECRET SCRIBBLES

  A girl will be leaving us any day,

  Is there some way to make her stay?

  9

  Secret Games and Scary Ghosts

  For the rest of the week, Room 26 seemed out of control.

  The groups made progress on their projects. The Traders’ boat began to look a little bit like a real boat. The paintings on the Artists’ jars started to look like animals. The Builders’ pyramid only collapsed two more times. But the Scribes argued a lot about their hieroglyphics.

  “We need a frog,” Phoebe insisted.

  “BOING-BOING!” Og agreed.

  “If we have a frog, we need a hamster,” Thomas said.

  Daniel disagreed. “A hamster is too hard to draw.”

  “You need to TRY-TRY-TRY!” I told them.

  No one was listening.

  And Mrs. Brisbane, who was always in control of our class, was a little bit confused.

  “Phoebe? Are you raising your hand?” she asked as Phoebe and Kelsey exchanged secret signals.

  “Rosie? Do you need some help?” she asked when Sophie touched her shoulders to signal Rosie.

  And when Felipe and Small-Paul spread their arms out like wings, Mrs. Brisbane said, “Boys, be careful!”

  “Mrs. Brisbane, those are secret signals for secret clubs!” I told her.

  Of course, she couldn’t understand me.

  Then there were those other secrets.

  Ms. Mac came to visit again one afternoon. She didn’t have much to say. She sat next to the table and stared at me.

  “What do you want?” I asked her. “If you don’t mind my saying so, it’s not polite to stare.”

  Ms. Mac sighed. “Oh, Humphrey, I’m having so much trouble deciding on a classroom pet for Room Twelve.”

  “Let me help,” I said.

  But of course, she had no idea what I was squeaking.

  And there was Aldo.

  He came in to clean every night and he did a GREAT-GREAT-GREAT job. But he also complained about his secret.

  “Mamma mia,” he said one night. “This good news is hard to keep secret, but a promise is a promise.”

  “You know I won’t tell anyone,” I said. Which was true, because humans can’t understand me, anyway. “And neither will Og.”

  “BOING-BOING-BOING!” my neighbor agreed.

  But Aldo didn’t share his secret.

 
It’s a very good thing to be able to keep a secret. But it’s a very bad thing to know that someone has a secret that he won’t share.

  I was glad when Friday finally arrived, and I think Mrs. Brisbane was happy as well.

  “Who is taking Humphrey home?” she asked.

  Tall-Paul waved his hand. He looked unsqueakably happy.

  “Sorry to leave you here alone,” I squeaked to Og as Tall-Paul carried me out of Room 26.

  I heard a distant “BOING-BOING!” as the door closed behind us.

  Tall-Paul is by far the tallest student in Room 26.

  He’s almost as tall as Mrs. Brisbane. In fact, he’s almost as tall as Principal Morales!

  So I was unsqueakably surprised when I got to his house and discovered that compared with the rest of the Green family, he wasn’t tall at all. In fact, he looked short!

  This was one tall family! It was like being surrounded by giants—at least to a short hamster like me.

  But they were very friendly giants. And I was HAPPY-HAPPY-HAPPY that they didn’t have any gigantic pets.

  In the evening, Tall-Paul and his tall parents sat by my cage, so I put on a show for them.

  First, I spun on my wheel. Then, I hopped off and climbed up the side of my cage to the top. Next, I climbed down my tree branch, back to the wheel, and started spinning again.

  “Watching Humphrey is much better than watching TV,” Mrs. Green said.

  Mr. Green agreed. “It’s like watching a one-hamster circus.”

  They were friendly and smart giants.

  “I told you he was fun,” Paul said. “So can I get a hamster now?”

  “Let’s see how the weekend goes,” his father answered.

  I thought it would be wonderful if Paul got a hamster. I decided I’d do everything I could to prove that hamsters make pawsitively wonderful pets!

  The next day, Paul’s mom asked if he wanted to invite some friends over.

  “Paul Fletcher,” Tall-Paul quickly answered. “And Felipe.”

  “I’ll call them,” Mrs. Green said. “And who else? How about Thomas?”

  Tall-Paul thought for a few seconds and then shook his head. “No, just Paul F. and Felipe.”