I Hate You, Love Me

by Jamie Knight

  An SUV pulls into the driveway. It’s Charles, Amanda and my Alice. I am so excited I actually do a little happy dance. I stop myself out of a bit of embarrassment, then realize I am still alone and no can see me. So, I start doing it again!

  The garage door opens and I wash up the wine glass. I don’t want them to think I’m getting drunk early in the afternoon.

  They come through the door to the garage and Alice runs to me.

  “Mommy!” Alice yells out.

  I pick her up and hug her. I squeeze her tight. She’s my precious angel. My light.

  It’s amazing that you can at one point be perfectly content by yourself, and then suddenly realize that you miss people. I missed this little one the most.

  Amanda and Charles look a bit serious, however. Clearly something went wrong over the weekend.

  “Alice, please go to our room and get ready for a bath,” I tell her, running my hands through her silky hair.

  “Okay, Mommy,” she says and runs down the hall without a second thought.

  After she is out of earshot I turn to Charles and Amanda.

  “What happened?” I ask.

  “She was a bit of a handful,” Amanda says.

  She frowns deeply.

  “How so?” I inquire.

  I lean back into the counter. I hate hearing people talk badly about my daughter, but I know these are my friends and they mean well. I should listen.

  “She had some difficulty playing with the other children,” she explains. “A couple of tantrums and some crying occurred when she didn’t her way. And she was a bit wild and ran off several times and didn’t come back when called back.”

  “You should talk to her,” Charles suggests. “See if she can understand she needs to listen to grown-ups. It’s for her own good.”

  “I will,” I say. “I definitely want to get her into school so she can interact with other children more and learn how to be more patient and less selfish.”

  “Other than that, she was fine,” Amanda says. She smiles now that the hard discussion is over. “When she is acting good, Alice is a delight. She is so smart, chatty and funny.”

  “Thank you for telling me,” I say.

  I put out a hand and rest it on my friend’s shoulder. She always knows how to tell the bad with the good.

  After the initial bit of anger and concern, they look a bit more sympathetic. They really do mean well.

  Devon comes in and says hello. Just then, the ringtone goes off on my phone and I look at the screen.

  I recognize the number and my breath catches. I click it on and turn to Amanda, Charles and Devon. They wait with great anticipation. I raise one finger to tell them to give me a minute and I go into the other room to take the call. When I return, they are standing there waiting for me to speak.

  Amanda breaks the silence.

  “Well, was that them?”

  “Yes,” I say excitedly. “I got the job!”

  A cheer erupts from the trio. Amanda comes over, grabs my arms and we do a happy dance together.

  Devon does his goofy but somehow sexy “Hear, hear!” expression.

  Charles smiles.

  Alice runs in and is excited about the commotion.

  “What’s happening, Mommy?”

  “We’re going to be okay, little one,” I tell her, tears of joy streaming down my face. “Mommy got a job, so we’re going to be just fine.”

  Charles heads to the wet bar.

  “I’ll make some drinks so we can celebrate.”

  “Can I have a drink?” Alice asks.

  She blinks her eyelashes at me.

  “I can’t make you an adult beverage,” Charles says.

  She looks sad and dejected by this answer.

  “But I can make you a fancy juice drink with cherries! Would you like that?”

  “Yay! Yes, please!” she exclaims and does a happy dance of her own.

  All my favorite people are around, celebrating the good fortune I’ve finally found, and my life seems like it’s finally back on track.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Devon

  “So, what will you be doing at this new job of yours?” Amanda asks Cassie.

  “I’ll be given a small territory to work with and start lining up listings,” Cassie says. “Weekends are going to be super busy for me now with open houses and making sure sellers are kept up to date with progress and buyers remain interested.”

  I toasted and cheered with everyone else about Cassie’s new job. And I meant it. But now that she talks about the extent of involvement she’ll have with it, some ugly feelings rise up in me that I’m not used to.

  I’m happy for Cassie that she was able to get a job, but what does this mean for me? I don’t want to seem selfish, but we just started to really connect, and this new job might change all of that.

  I want her to pursue her dreams, but I also want to continue the journey we started together. Will this new opportunity destroy all of that?

  I tell myself to stop thinking this way. Don’t be the old Devon. This isn’t about me – it’s about Cassie, and Alice, and their future.

  “There’s no better feeling than closing a sale,” Amanda says. “Well, maybe it is the second-best feeling.”

  The adults in the room know what she means, and we laugh. Alice is happily watching TV with her grape juice drink and giggling at whatever antics her cartoon friends are up to. Amazing, what flies over the heads of children.

  It’s funny, when I started working to regain my full mental capacities, many things Charles and Amanda said were foreign ideas to me. I felt very much like a child, myself.

  Now, I feel like a man again and Cassie has given me that feeling. I may not remember the man I once was, but still, I no longer feel like a child.

  So, what do I say to Cassie? I don’t want to take away her moment. This really is an amazing life-changing event. Just a month ago she was a single mother and practically homeless. Now she is a young woman with a daughter and a future.

  And she has a budding relationship with me. Some might say she has the world on the string.

  But do we have a relationship? I guess that hasn’t exactly been established. What right do I have to even comment on her life choices?

  Do I tell her I am happy for her and that I’m here for her and leave it at that? Or do I ask her about the state of our relationship and see if I can cement it further? How do I navigate this and achieve my goal: to remain in her life?

  I know that when I start working again, I’ll be very busy myself. But somehow the thought of sitting behind a desk crunching numbers feels me with dread of boredom. What kind of life is that? And now I can’t even go jump out of airplanes to break it up with some excitement.

  Why didn’t I pick a more interesting line of work? The old Devon never minded banking, it seems. I try to think about it more positively. I’ve started to look over what my duties were, as I will be eventually returning to work soon, and they appear to be engaging enough.

  I’m sure lots of people think the job’s boring. But what do I care what others think? If I’m good at it, and it suits me, then that’s all that matters. Will Cassie think it’s mundane and monotonous?

  Maybe I used outdoor adventure to overcompensate. Like how some guys collect sports cars. And look where this overcompensation got me: amnesia. I almost died.

  For a while there, it was touch and go when it came to remembering anything about my past at all. But now I do remember some of my thrill seeking adventures.

  Yes, there was wind in my face and a rushing heart rate. But it was dangerous, and over way too fucking fast compared to the doldrums of everything life. So why did I continue to do it? Am I addicted to dopamine?

  I was reading about dopamine and how my generation is addicted to the texts, likes and comments you receive on social media. But I seem to be addicted to the thrill of doing dangerous things in the name of excitement.

  I have to stop those activities cold
turkey. The doctor was mad at me for ever having done them in the first place. I might be young, but I’m not invincible.

  But I suddenly feel like having one more adventure. And it would be fun to share an experience with Cassie, so she can understand a little more about me. If she’ll still have me, that is.

  Charles hands everyone a drink and begins one of his famous speeches.

  “This is a special moment that doesn’t come along often in one’s lifetime. Or so I’ve been told. I guess we haven’t experienced enough of them yet to realize how special they are.”

  He laughs a little.

  He really knows how to work a room. No wonder the guy is so successful.

  “Hear, hear!” I say.

  Why do I do that? I wonder if anyone else thinks it sounds kind of silly. Apparently, Cassie thinks it’s cute. She gives me a little smile in acknowledgement.

  Charles raises his glass.

  “To paraphrase an old saying, ‘If we’re all ships out at sea, then may we be good ships who meet each other in friendship’,” he says. “Our home will always be a harbor to you both, Cassie and Devon.”

  We all clink our glasses together and take a sip. Cassie turns to face me and the other two do as well.

  “Devon, this has been such a trying time for me,” Cassie says.

  Her eyes look up to me and they glisten lightly with her tears.

  “And to come out of it with this opportunity is fantastic. It’s everything I ever wanted… almost. Because it won’t mean as much if you’re not there to share it with me.”

  Wow, I suppose she’s taking the matter of talking to me about our relationship status into her own hands. I’m glad that we’re doing it.

  “So, you want to be with me?” I ask.

  “Yes,” she says. “I give all of my heart to you.”

  My breath catches at her words. I feel so fucking amazing. I’m not alone. I’m loved and that is the best thing that could have come from this experience.

  I lost my memory, but I gained so much more. Filled with emotion, I lean down and kiss her sweet lips.

  Charles whoops and we break our kiss.

  “Hey, we’re excited for you two, but also thrilled to get our place back all to ourselves.” He laughs a little. “I’ll pour us some more drinks to help celebrate.”

  Two bourbons on the rocks and two cosmopolitans are served up. Charles is now kind of like the regular bartender you have at your favorite pub, who has your drinks waiting for you before you sit down. I will miss that familiarity and sense of belonging when I’m on my own again.

  “Oh, we’re both going to start looking for our own places right away,” I say. “You two have been more than gracious and kind in letting us stay here.”

  I use the word “us”. Cassie says she still wants to be with me, but for how long? Can I trust this feeling to last?

  And Amanda and Charles, they have to be happy we’re moving out soon. They have given up quite a bit of privacy and freedom to take us in. Two lost souls. Two apparent kindred spirits.

  I tell myself to stop thinking so cynically about everything. Was I always this negative? No, I don’t think so. I thought everything was great and bragged about winning pool games and demanded the money that people owed me.

  I think I’m a better person now than I was then, but I also need to remind myself to stay positive. I’m so glad Amanda and Charles helped me out. And Cassie too. And I think that Cassie and I will have a good future together, because I fucking want it so bad. And I know she does too.

  “We will miss you,” Amanda says.

  She gives Cassie a big hug. If you didn’t know they weren’t related, you might think they were sisters. Their bond is definitely an eternal one.

  Cassie comes up to me and smiles.

  “I have something to discuss with you,” she says. “Will you help with Alice?”

  “What do you mean?” I ask.

  “I feel overwhelmed sometimes,” she explains. “She could use another influence. Someone who can discipline her when needed. Once again, I just want to say that I was so wrong to get mad at you that day when you did discipline her. But now, I see just how much it was something she really needed. You seemed to know that and I didn’t. So, will you please be a steady and structured fixture in her life and continue to help lay ground rules and boundaries with her?”

  I think about it for a moment. This is a big responsibility to take on. But if Cassie is going to be in my life, then Alice will be, too. I want the best for Alice, just as I do for Cassie.

  I know Alice is a good kid who just needs some routine and consistency in her life. It seems that I, an investment banker, am just the person to provide that. Not to mention the fact that her mom and I just entered into a relationship, which means I’ll be around a whole hell of a lot anyway. So, in the end, it’s a no-brainer.

  “Of course, I will,” I say. “You and Alice can count on me.”

  She smiles big and kisses me again. Things are going so much better than I thought — and this is why I need to continue to think positively.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Cassie

  After we adults spend a little while longer celebrating and talking, it’s time for Alice to go to bed. She’s practically asleep on the couch already. She’s such a sweet pumpkin, I’d don’t know what I’d do without her.

  Devon comes with me to tuck her in. He and I aren’t sleeping in the same bed together yet. This is out of respect to Amanda and Charles. We also don’t want to confuse Alice.

  She never really knew Daniel, so she’s never had a father figure in her life. Although she has taken a liking to Devon, which is wonderful, I don’t want to rush things. They need to go at their own pace, and I know I need to be patient.

  Alice crawls under the covers. I go to tuck her in, but she isn’t quite ready to fall asleep just yet.

  “I want to hear a story,” she says, with a yawn.

  “A beddy-bye tale?” I ask.

  “Yes, Mommy,” she says.

  I have read to her hundreds of times but I’m not sure I have the energy to do so right now. And then Devon does something wonderful: he picks up the book that is lying next to her bed, sits down next to her, and reads.

  I almost start crying at what a nice gesture that is, as well as at how cute it looks. They are perfect together.

  Alice listens so intently at first. Her eyes light up with wonder as the tale is woven.

  Devon is so good at creating different voices for the characters. He’s reading Peter Rabbit and he has a cute little naughty but loveable voice for Peter, and a stern but loving tone for the momma bunny, and a mean, scary sound for the farmer who wants to turn Peter into stew.

  Who knew he had that ability? It is all an amazing surprise for me.

  Finally, Alice nods off. Devon and I step back to the doorway and look at her.

  “She’s a great kid,” he says.

  He puts a gently hand on my shoulder. I take it with my own.

  “I really don’t know what I would do without her,” I say. “She is my life.”

  He smiles and pulls me in for a hug. It’s warm and tight. I feel so loved and protected. He knows just how to make me feel. And then he kisses me. At first it’s soft, then more passionate.

  Instead of going to the bed, we end up in the bathroom next to Devon’s guestroom, because that’s where the condoms are. I don’t want the harsh lights from above, so I light a couple of candles and place them on the counter.

  Devon turns the shower on. As it heats up, we undress quickly; sheading our clothes as we kiss and run our hands all over each other’s bodies.

  My hands slide down his rock-hard abs and down to his dick. It’s already standing at attention and I let my fingers glide over his skin. Devon sucks in a breath, so I know he likes my touch.

  I pump him a few times, my hand encircling his shaft and tease his head with my fingers. He bites his lip and grins at me. It’s encouraging.

&n
bsp; I drop to my knees. His cock is right at my mouth level. I slip my tongue out and lick it. Devon grunts.

  He thrusts his hips gently forward. I let his dick part my lips and slide inside my mouth. It slides in deep, hitting the back of my throat. I bob my head up and down; taking his length in and out of me and sucking hard as I can.

  “Oh, that’s it,” he moans. “That feels so good.”

  He thrusts his hips a bit, pumping my mouth full of his cock. I relax as best I can and let it slide towards my throat. Devon’s thrusts become harder and more desperate, but then he pulls back. His manhood slides out of my lips and he takes me by the hand to help me up.

  “I’m not ready to come yet,” he explains, and then he gives me a gentle kiss.

  He opens the shower door and climbs in. Reaching out for my hand, he grabs it and pulls me forward.

  This is the experience I fantasized about when I saw him naked for the first time in this very bathroom. Right before he was going to take a shower and I had to resign myself to masturbate in the bathtub. My body seems to have been aching for him ever since then.

  He gets behind me and pushes me forward, bending me over under the spray. I place his large cock against my waiting pussy and rub it up and down. His tip pushes gently towards my insides.

  “Wait,” he says, and backs off.

  He steps out of the shower and puts on a condom, after retrieving it from under the sink. He reenters the shower and as he turns me around and bends me over, I feel him enter me.

  His cock slides in and fills me completely. I want his energy, his passion, his motion and to feel him pulse inside me.

  He kisses me on the neck and runs his hands up and down my body. My breasts and nipples tingle under his hands as he massages them. He rather gently licks a spot on my neck and blows on it. I feel goosebumps rise.

  The shower feels like it is a raging waterfall now as we fuck. It’s a similar sound, too, echoing through our chamber of love and lust.

  “Just think, the last time I wanted to take a shower in this very place, you were so cold to me,” I tell Devon, and laugh.