BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival

by Sue Julsen

  “Come on, sweetie. Time to get up. Right after breakfast we go shopping! We haven’t bought you new clothes in months!” Smiling, Bobbi bounded out of my room like a little kid.

  She seemed more excited about shopping than I was. Still, I hurried to get dressed and ran down the stairs. She had breakfast already on the table. We ate quickly, leaving our dirty dishes in the sink so we could start our day together.

  We spent the whole day shopping and laughing and shopping some more. We had lunch at a little diner—just Bobbi and me—and I felt very happy.

  I also hadn’t had nightmares about Daddy, or Frank and his sons in a long time.

  “Bobbi?”

  “Yes, sweetie?” She put her cup on the table and looked at me.

  “How old are you?”

  “Twenty-six. Why do you ask?”

  “Oh, I just wondered.” I took a drink of soda, then continued with my questions.

  “Bobbi?”

  “Yes?”

  “Are you gonna marry Daddy?”

  Her face filled with surprise. “Oh heavens, sweetie. He hasn’t asked me.”

  “Well, if he does, will you?”

  Smiling, she took my hand in hers. “Yes, Suzy. If he asks me, I will.”

  “Good! I want to stay with you forever and ever.”

  “I want that too, sweetie. More than you know. So, you ready for more shopping?”

  “Yep!” I looked up at her, and smiled. “Bobbi, I love you.”

  “I love you too, sweetie. Come on. Let’s go shopping.”

  We shopped for hours and talked a lot. I asked Bobbi where babies came from, and about love, and ways of showing love to kids. I asked all kinds of questions as I tried to understand things that had happened, and she answered everything I asked.

  When I asked if Daddy sleeping in the same bed with me without his clothes on was wrong, she stopped walking and led me over to a bench. We sat down and she started asking me questions.

  She asked if Daddy had ever touched me in private places or made me touch him, but I couldn’t tell her! Daddy told me to never tell anyone! I lied and told her no, but I didn’t think she believed me as she continued with questions I couldn’t answer. When I started to cry she put her arm around me, and held me very close for a long time.

  She didn’t ask me anything else, but she seemed very upset, and I thought I’d done something to make her mad at me. She assured me I’d done nothing wrong, but she wanted to go home. She said she had a headache and that we’d done enough shopping for one day.

  In silence, she drove the long way back to her house.

  I felt bad having to lie, but I couldn’t tell her! She’d hate me if she knew I’d been bad. She wouldn’t want me anymore! I hoped she’d forgive me.

  When we got home Daddy was on the couch watching TV and Bobbi was smiling again. I felt better and rushed over to show Daddy my new clothes, my new shoes, and my new coat!

  “I thought you were gonna stay gone all night!” he snapped at Bobbi.

  “Daddy, please. Bobbi bought me new clothes. See, Daddy!” I wanted him to look at my clothes, and not fight with Bobbi.

  “Eddie, the child needed clothes! Please don’t spoil the day for her. Look at her dresses. She’s so proud of them. Everything we picked out she asked if you’d like it.”

  Bobbi’s soft blue eyes darkened in a scorching look, smoldering, like she could shoot daggers at Daddy. I couldn’t help but wonder if things we talked about had made her mad at him, instead of me.

  He stared at her several more minutes, then smiled. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I just had a bad day. I looked for a job all day and didn’t find anything.” His voice had returned to normal, but the look in his eyes told me he was still very upset.

  “Come here, Suzy. Let’s see those clothes.”

  “You’ll find a job soon,” Bobbi said stiffly. “I’ll get supper started.”

  She smiled at me, but her eyes didn’t sparkle, and her voice had sounded harsh. Even the bounce in her step had vanished. She hadn’t seen Daddy really mad before, but I knew it wouldn’t be the last.

  That night I dreamed of Mama, something I hadn’t done in such a long time. Like my earlier dreams, she ran through fields of blue flowers and Daddy sat on a blanket, but this time he started yelling and hitting her. Then a door slammed shut, and Mama started crying.

  This time—Mama looked like Bobbi.

  I awoke crying. “God, please don’t let this happen! I’m so happy here. Please! Don’t let this happen.” I cried and cried until I cried myself back to sleep.

  “Sarah, come on, get up.” His voice was stern.

  “What’s wrong, Daddy? Is Bobbi okay?”

  “She’s fine, but it’s time to go.”

  “Oh, Daddy. Please don’t do this! Please don’t leave Bobbi! She loves us.”

  “Not anymore, Sarah. Don’t argue with me. Get up, and let’s go.”

  I had lots of clothes now, so I packed what I could in my suitcase, but I had to leave so many things behind. I didn’t care about leaving the clothes, but I didn’t want to leave Bobbi, or my room.

  My very own room.

  “Hurry up, Sarah! I want to be gone before she gets home.”

  “Can’t we stay and say goodbye, Daddy?”

  “Don’t start with me, Sarah! Now, get out the door.”

  As he drove away I stood in the seat to look at the house one last time. Again, God had forsaken me. I really thought He’d listened to me and He wanted me to be happy. But again, I’d been so wrong. God wasn’t for kids—God wasn’t for me.

  “Daddy, where are we going?” I asked hours later.

  “To my sister in California, but we’re stopping in Oregon for a few weeks. Just to let things settle down. Bobbi might decide to call the cops.”

  “Why? What did you do to her!?” I was furious thinking that he might’ve hurt her in any way.

  “I didn’t do a damn thing to her, Sarah! She’s gonna be pissed when she comes home and we’re gone.”

  “What did you steal, Daddy?”

  “Just jewelry and some money.” Glancing back, he saw the shocked look on my face. “Well, she owed it to us!” he snapped.

  “Bobbi did more for us than anyone ever has! How could you do that, Daddy!? How could you!?”

  “That’s enough, Sarah! I don’t want to hear another word about it, or her, ever again!”

  I knew not to try and force him to talk about it, but at least he hadn’t wrecked her house like all the others. Still, I didn’t understand Daddy. Bobbi had always been so nice to us. She loved us.

  I knew she’d cry when she found us gone, and I hoped she’d remember me, and know that I didn’t want to leave her.

  “Goodbye, Bobbi,” I whispered. “I love you!”

  Eleven

  1957 – Lubbock

  Henry pulled into the police lot, driving around back to the garage. It was time for the monthly maintenance check on his cruiser. He parked outside the rollup door, got out and handed the keys to the attendant.

  Walking around the building he really wanted a drink, and looked at his watch. “Shit! Only 7:30 in the fuckin’ morning! At this rate I’ll be an alcoholic like my sisters,” he muttered, went up the steps and into the station.

  Just as he entered his office the phone rang. He picked up on the third ring. When he put the receiver back on the cradle, he sat with his head in his hands, not knowing what to think. Hearing a noise at his door, he looked up and saw Jake, watching him.

  “How long you been there, Jake?” he asked wearily.

  “Long enough to know it’s your sister giving you misery.”

  “Lately all my misery is due to Violet. The doctor just called. She’s not settling into Crestview at all this time. He says her grief’s overwhelming and she feels guilty she wasn’t there that one night to protect Sarah. She’s fighting the system, and the doctor, at every turn. They restrain her daily and give her sedatives every night. I just don�
��t know what to do, Cap.”

  “Hang in there, Henry. Time will make it all come out right. Just don’t give up hope.”

  “Hope? Hope’s all I have, Jake. The doctor said she attacked another patient, and then the nurses yesterday. I just don’t know what to do….”

  Two hours later he received the call that his cruiser was ready. Without hesitation, he grabbed his hat, walked out of the office, around the building, and into the garage.

  Climbing in behind the wheel, he turned up the radio to hum along with The Yellow Rose of Texas as it played on the local station, and headed straight to Barney’s.

  On the highway, for distraction only, he turned the volume up once again, tried to keep his mind on the road, thought about his mistress, then muttered under his breath, “God knows I needed someone to talk to…to console me. Someone to be a good listener…to make my problems disappear—at least for a while.”

  He felt he still loved Olivia, although not as much as when he married her. She’d always been a good, Christian woman, and he cared for her. But, during the first few months of marriage he found out sex was something she never wanted.

  She believed the act was only to be performed when trying to have kids, and since they weren’t trying, it would be a waste of her time. In the beginning he’d argue that it felt good, but Olivia only curled her mouth and glared at him.

  After several months he didn’t bring the subject up any longer. Besides, hadn’t he tortured himself long enough? His wife wouldn’t give him what he needed. That was why he’d taken a mistress. After all, he needed relief from someone, and like his dad told him, “If you can’t get it at home, son, you can always get it elsewhere. Lord knows, I did often enough.”

  After several years into the marriage, Olivia had a hysterectomy, so any chance of her coming around was out of the question. He’d wondered if she really needed the surgery, or if she just hated sex that much. Either way, he needed sex, and he damn-well was gonna get it!

  It’d been twelve years since he first stepped out with another woman. In the beginning he felt guilty, but the urges were too strong to resist. Beating off in the bathroom didn’t give any lasting satisfaction, so to justify what he did, he told himself, and his buddies, “These women are for service only. They mean nothing.”

  Then he’d laugh nervously and say, “Come on guys, y’all do it.”

  Most nights he did go home to Olivia, but as the years passed he found more ways of staying out later and later. Then, one night he realized Olivia didn’t give a shit what time he came in, or when he went out.

  All he had to say was, “I’m on the job tonight. I don’t know when I’ll be home.” She’d give him a peck on the cheek and tell him to be careful. After a while he didn’t bother saying anything. He’d come in at two or three in the morning, grab a snack, go to bed—alone of course—and get up at six to be at work by seven.

  Pulling up to the tavern, he had one intention in mind—he was gonna drink until he forgot all his problems—at least for the night….

  It’d been a long time since Henry had such a hangover, but his pounding head told him he did drink as intended, and wondered if his sisters felt as bad as he did after a night out.

  “Shit! If this is how they feel, why in hell do they do it again and again? Stupid! I have totally stupid sisters! And Henry, you’re one brainless bastard to drink like you did last night! And, you’re stupid to be talking to yourself, too! Stupid sonuvabitch!”

  Twelve

  1957 – Arizona

  Daddy told me I’d have to hit more garages soon because we didn’t have enough money to get a room. I hadn’t liked staying in motels since the first time Daddy made me get in bed with him, and if it wasn’t for getting to take a bath and wash my dress, I’d never want to stay in a motel again.

  Daddy got so mad at me when I told him Bobbi said people work hard for what they have and it was wrong to steal. He told me to forget her, but I couldn’t! I loved Bobbi. I didn’t know what had happened to make Daddy hate her, but I didn’t want to steal anymore.

  In a fit of rage he threw all the clothes Bobbi gave me out the window, and yelled, “If I get rid of these damn reminders, you’ll forget her!”

  But even without the clothes, I’d never forget Bobbi. Never!

  Daddy picked up a woman outside the restaurant this time. He parked our car behind a junk place, and said we’d eat when he got back, but he didn’t come back all night or the following day. When it got dark again, I lay down to wait.

  He also threw out the coat Bobbi gave me, and my thin blanket hadn’t kept me warm in a long time. I really got cold during the night, and my can was almost full, too, but I knew I’d be in big trouble if I opened the door to empty it and Daddy found out.

  “Please, Daddy, come back soon.”

  I’d fallen asleep, and was dreaming of Bobbi when laughter outside the car woke me up. It scared me at first, but then I heard Daddy’s voice. Thrilled, I jumped up in the seat to look out the window.

  I was so happy he’d come back!

  “What the hell you lookin’ at, kid?” a woman yelled through the closed window, scaring me so much I jumped away from the window and fell off the seat. Furiously, I glared at her for several minutes before I climbed back onto the seat.

  They were both drunk and kept laughing giddily, stumbling and falling into the side of the car. I’d never seen Daddy drink very much, but he was definitely three sheets to the wind that night!

  The woman smashed her face against the window, looking like something out of a horror movie. She had to be the ugliest woman I’d ever seen! I wanted her to go away and to leave Daddy alone!

  “I said, what the hell you lookin’ at, you snot-nosed brat?” she bellowed.

  I scrunched down in the seat and covered my head with my blanket. I didn’t understand why Daddy was rubbing all over her and letting her yell at me, or why he’d be with someone so ugly in the first place! He’d always picked pretty women before.

  Trying to block out the nasty sounds they were making, I thought of Bobbi, but their drunken laughter still echoed in my head. I peeked out from under my blanket, and saw him screwing her against the side of the car. Her skirt was up around her waist; his pants down to his ankles.

  He held one of her legs up around his waist while he humped her over and over, making the car rock. One of her big tits flopped up and down, almost hitting him in the face. Disgusted, I whispered, “He always did like big boobs.”

  After he got his rocks off, he pulled his pants up, and they stumbled away, arm in arm. Their laughter faded, and soon I no longer could hear it. I hoped Daddy would come back soon—without the ugly woman!

  Lying down, I curled up on the seat. I just wanted to go back to sleep and dream of happier times when my stomach growled so loud I thought the windows would break, reminding me it’d been days since I’d had anything to eat, and my stomach hurt like it used to before I learned how to trick Daddy. Curling up into a ball, I held my thin blanket tight, and waited for sleep, and for Daddy to return.

  Startled awake, I pulled the blanket off my head, but bright sunlight in my eyes prevented me from seeing who had hit the side of the car. It was too late to hide, so I froze, hoping whoever stood outside the car couldn’t see me.

  Then I heard the key in the lock and the driver’s door flew open.

  “Daddy! You’re back!” I yelled and sat up in the seat.

  Climbing in, he looked at me with eyes sparkling. I looked outside, but I didn’t see anyone around—just as I’d wanted—Daddy had returned without the ugly woman!

  “Good morning, Sarah, my little dumpling.”

  His words sounded friendly enough—and sober.

  “Daddy, I missed you so much!”

  “Oh you did, huh? Well, I missed you, too. And, I have a surprise for you.”

  Then he smiled like a Cheshire cat, and I knew he wasn’t mad. Bobbi said he’d smile real big like that when he had a big surprise for her, so
I figured he must have a really big surprise for me!

  I hoped he’d brought food, but I didn’t smell anything.

  “What, Daddy? What’s the surprise?”

  He turned around in the seat until he could look straight at me. “Sarah, we’re gonna live with Janet. She has a big house in the country, and she’s all alone.”

  “Janet? Is she the woman from last night?”

  “She is. And, the night before last and the two nights before that. Don’t look so surprised, Sarah! It’s been a long time since we stayed in a house and had someone taking care of us.”

  “But, you said we were gonna go to Oregon! And what about California?”

  “I guess I changed my mind, didn’t I? We’re staying here.”

  “But, why her? She sounds mean and she’s so ugly…” His hand landed across my cheek with great force, cutting off my words.

  It hurt like hell!

  “Don’t you ever say anything like that again, young lady! Janet’s your new mother.”

  “What!?”

  “Yep. I married her that first night.”

  “Why, Daddy? Why did you marry her!?”

  “Because you need a mother, and since you won’t help me get money to live on, Janet will support us.”

  “Daddy, I’ll go into garages! I’ll do anything you want! But please, Daddy, please get rid of her!”

  “You want me to slap the shit out of you, little girl?” His eyes narrowed, giving me the keep–your–mouth–shut look I knew so well.

  I stared into the eyes of the man who I knew would slap me into next week if I said anything else about the ugly, mean woman. The bitch who was now my mother!

  “That’s better. You will be nice to Janet, and do whatever she tells you. And, if you don’t, I’ll take my belt to your sweet, little ass!”

  “Okay, Daddy. I’ll do whatever you say, but please don’t hit me again.”

  “Don’t give me a reason and I won’t. Now, get up here and give Daddy a loving kiss,” he coaxed with a grin and all his charm.

  I didn’t hear him slide down his zipper, but he already had his thing out of his pants as I started to climb over. Instantly my head began to spin…