BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival

by Sue Julsen

  The moment Jean climbed into the front seat, he grabbed hold of her and gave her a lingering kiss, sticking his tongue deep into her throat. Then, he pushed her away, laughing, and shoved her face down on his hard rod. In a raspy voice, he whispered, “You know how I like it, baby. Treat Daddy good…”

  Daddy parked in front of a big white house with bluish-grey trim, and a big yard with a dirty-white fence. The house looked like it could use a coat of paint, as could the fence.

  To the right of the house was a tree bigger than I’d ever seen before. The branches were so far up I knew I couldn’t climb it, but I could play around its enormous trunk.

  Most of the dirt yard had little sprigs of dead grass scattered here and there. An old tractor sat just inside the fence, and an old grey Sedan was parked outside. Both looked like they hadn’t run in years!

  A tall ladder leaned against the house up to the roof, and a narrow brick walkway led up to the porch. A few wilting flowers on either side of the front door were the only color around the house.

  Then I saw her—the ugly woman—my new—mother!

  Daddy had picked a few women who I thought hadn’t been very pretty, but he’d never picked anyone as ugly as this woman. She had eyes that bulged out like a bullfrog, a broad nose with flaring nostrils, and her warped mouth looked to be molded into a permanent frown.

  She looked hideous!

  “Sarah, come on.” His voice was stern. “I’m not gonna tell you again. Get out of the car. Janet’s waiting.”

  I tried to hide the look of disgust, but I didn’t hide it very well. Daddy grabbed my arm, jerked me out of the car, and landed the back of his hand across my face, knocking me to the ground.

  Wincing from the pain, I looked into his scowling face. For that moment, I hated him! And, I hated her! The ugly witch who stood in the doorway with a shit-eating smirk on her repugnant face!

  Just as quickly as he’d knocked me down he pulled me to my feet, and shook me very hard.

  “Knock it off, Sarah! Don’t you spoil this for me! Janet has money! Lots of money! She’s our ticket to the easy life. Now start walking, and don’t stop until you speak nicely to your mother.”

  I wanted to bolt and run, but I knew better. Forcing one foot in front of the other, I moved as slowly as I dared toward the woman, who I knew, I’d hate for the rest of my life, money or not.

  Daddy spoke as if honey dripped from his mouth as we neared the porch.

  “Janet, darling, we’re here at last.”

  I felt sick to my stomach. The stupid bitch had no idea Daddy would use her and use her until she had nothing left. “Stupid, fuckin’ bitch,” I muttered under my breath.

  “Did you say something, Suzy?”

  “I said the flowers are pretty, Daddy.”

  “Well, give your mother a hug.” He gave me a push from behind. “You two ladies are gonna be best of friends.”

  “Hello,” I said, looking at the ground, but made no move toward her.

  “Hello, Suzy. You can call me mama if you’d like.”

  “No, thank you.”

  “Well, what do you want to call me? Mom? Or mother, perhaps?”

  I wanted to call her an ugly fuckin’ bitch, but I said, “I don’t know.”

  “Well, when you decide, you let me know?” She looked at Daddy, and smiled obliquely. “It’ll be okay, Eddie. She’s just shy. She’ll come ‘round.”

  I looked up at her just as she looked down at me, and I saw the same smirk she had when Daddy had knocked me down. Who did the bitch think she was fooling? She hated me as much as I hated her!

  “Come on in. I’ll show you to your room, Suzy. And then, Eddie, you and I have some catching up to do.” She laughed, and Daddy laughed with her.

  I wanted to puke!

  She led me through the kitchen, then through the living room to a door on the right. “This will be your room, Suzy. Eddie and I have grown-up things to do.” She then grabbed the front of his jeans, and led him through a door on the other side of the room, slamming the door behind them.

  My tiny room, not much bigger than a walk-in closet, consisted of a twin bed, a rickety old two-drawer dresser with a small lamp on top, and a very small closet. It was dreadfully plain and very depressing. It reminded me so much of the room at Uncle Frank’s house that my thoughts filled with hate.

  “I hate this room! I hate this house! I hate Janet! I hate Uncle Frank! I hate… everyone!”

  I tossed my suitcase on the bed, then remembered it was empty, and set it inside the closet. I thought of going outside, but Daddy hadn’t said I could, and not wanting to piss him off again—or to get hit again—I sat down on the bed and waited.

  Several hours later I heard dishes clanking and hoped she’d started to fix dinner. When it got too dark to see, I turned on the lamp and waited and waited, but no one came for me. Then everything got quiet again.

  Leaving my room, I found the bathroom at the end of a hallway off the living room. It was also small, but it had a tub. I wanted to take a bath, but afraid I’d wake them if I ran water, I peed, went back to my room, and flopped on the bed.

  “I’m so hungry! I should sneak into the kitchen.” I opened my door just enough to peer into the darkness of the living room. Everything still appeared deserted, so I crept out and headed for the kitchen.

  Not knowing where the light switch was, I moved with caution, but ran into a chair and almost fell to the floor. I remained motionless, only moving on when I didn’t hear any noise in the house.

  Finding the refrigerator, I opened the door and had just reached for a package of bologna, when I heard a noise behind me and the light came on. Janet stood across the room glaring with her stone-cold, ugly face full of hate.

  “Just what do you think you’re doing?” she asked venomously.

  “I…I…was hungry. I just…”

  “You just what, you little vagrant!?”

  “I wanted something to eat!” I defensively blurted out.

  “You missed dinner, so you’ll wait ‘til breakfast!”

  “But, no one came for me!”

  “I’m not dragging you to the table when it’s time to eat. Get to your room, and get out of my refrigerator!” She snapped her fingers, and pointed toward my room.

  Too scared to argue, I closed the refrigerator, ran to my room, collapsed on my bed, and cried myself to sleep.

  I was awakened by laughter, and heard Daddy yell, “When’s breakfast gonna be ready?” I couldn’t hear the response, but not wanting to miss another meal, I jumped off my bed, and went into the living room where Daddy sat on the couch watching TV.

  “Well, good mornin’, sunshine! Thought you were gonna sleep your life away.”

  He didn’t sound mad, so I sat next to him, figuring Janet hadn’t told him what had happened in the kitchen.

  “Breakfast will be ready in a few minutes.”

  “Good! I’m so hungry, Daddy.”

  From the kitchen doorway, Janet said, bitterly, “You should have to stay in your room all day without breakfast, after that stunt last night.”

  I glared at her, hotly.

  “Oh? What happened last night?” Daddy looked at me, then at Janet.

  “I caught her in the kitchen without asking,” she smirked.

  “What were you doing in the kitchen, Suzy?”

  “I was hungry, Daddy. I wasn’t gonna make a mess. Honest! I’m sorry.” Tears stung my eyes.

  “Janet, sweetie, don’t you think, just this once, we can let this slide? I’m sure she didn’t mean any harm.”

  “Eddie, I need free reign if you expect me to raise her!”

  “And you will, sweetie, but Suzy didn’t have anything to eat for several days before I met you. I assumed she was asleep when we had dinner. She was just hungry. I think we can let it slide…just this one time.” He smiled his most charming smile.

  “Fine! But, after this, I will not tolerate you contradicting me. She will obey me or else!” Turning
abruptly, she went back into the kitchen.

  “Better be careful, Sarah,” he whispered. “She’s a mean one.”

  I nodded in agreement, and thought, from the expression on her face, Daddy’s charm wasn’t gonna work with this old witch! I’d just have to stay out of her way.

  “Breakfast is ready!” she bellowed out in her nasally voice.

  I’d smelled the bacon from the living room, and followed Daddy into the kitchen, then waited until she told me where to sit. My mouth watered as she carried two plates to the table, giving one plate to Daddy, and the other she put down where she’d sit.

  Going back to the stove, she returned with a saucer, which she sat down in front of me, and said, “You better eat every bite on this plate, Suzy.”

  I had one piece of burned bacon, one egg, fried very hard, and half a slice of dry toast, also burned. They both had several slices of bacon, two eggs and two pieces of buttered toast, and nothing burned.

  Only my food had been burnt. I knew she did it on purpose, hoping I’d say something about it, or about not having enough, but I disappointed her and didn’t say a word. It tasted terrible, but starving, I ate every bite.

  I didn’t know when I’d get to eat again, but I figured if Janet had her way, it’d be never! I knew I’d have to be careful the next time I raided the fridge and not get caught.

  I shoved in the last bite of toast, and smiled at her.

  Daddy knew I could eat three times what she’d given me, and tried to give me some of his bacon and a piece of toast, but Janet said, “No! She’s had enough.”

  He didn’t argue, so I asked Daddy if I could be excused. Janet answered.

  “Washing dishes is one of your jobs to pay for your keep. There’s a stool in the corner for you to use.” She pointed to the far corner of the kitchen. “Get to it!”

  “I have to go to the bathroom first.”

  “Make it snappy! I want this mess cleaned up, now,” she barked.

  I wanted to stay in the bathroom all day, but certain that wouldn’t be a good idea, I peed, went back to the kitchen, pulled the stool over to the sink, and began washing dishes.

  When Daddy finished eating, they left the kitchen, and within moments laughter came from their room. After washing dishes and wiping off the table, I went back to my room and flopped down on the bed.

  We’d been living with Janet for several months when Daddy came out to the big tree where I was playing. He told me he had to get a job to get out of the house and away from her for a few hours each day.

  “She’s driving me fuckin’ nuts, Sarah! Always telling me what to do! I didn’t move in here to fix up this dump, or to take orders from her!”

  I didn’t want to be left alone with her, but he soon found a job. She acted nice until he drove away, then she’d hit me and make me stay in my room all day without food. But when Daddy was there, I got to play outside by the big tree until time to come in and eat. I didn’t have any toys, so at night I stayed in my room, alone.

  Daddy was always with her!

  “There’s only one good thing about Janet—she’s doing all the fuckin’ stuff he used to make us do!” Jean voiced with loathing.

  Before I went to bed Daddy told me he had to go out of town on a job, and that he’d be gone for two weeks. I dreaded him leaving me each day, and I didn’t know what she’d do to me with him being gone that long, but the thought terrified me.

  “Please, Daddy, please don’t leave me with her!” I pleaded.

  “I can’t take you with me, Sarah. I have to take care of business. I’ll be back before you know it. Just stay out of her way.”

  That night, every time I dozed off, I’d awake from terrible nightmares. I dreamed Janet had turned into a real witch with an extremely long pointed nose, warts all over her face, and glaring red, bulging eyes. She stood over me with a knife in her hand, and fire came out of her flared nostrils!

  Terrified, over and over again, I’d sit straight up in bed and muffle a scream.

  The next morning I felt so tired I didn’t want to move. When I heard a noise at my door, I turned over and saw Janet standing in my doorway, glaring. She didn’t have warts, red eyes, or fire coming out her nose, but she still looked like a witch. An ugly, wicked old, evil witch!

  I shuddered, remembering my nightmares.

  “Where’s Daddy?” I asked meekly.

  “He’s gone. It’s just you and me now.” Her malicious smile turned into a nasty, superior-type smirk which told me she had something up her sleeve, and whatever she had in mind, I wasn’t gonna like it.

  “You are gonna do as I say, little girl, or you will be sorry. I will not take any shit from you!” Then, she turned abruptly and left.

  I hoped she’d cook breakfast, but she didn’t fix breakfast or lunch. She had a bottle of booze and stayed on the couch all day drinking, talking on the phone, and cackling like an old hen.

  When she wasn’t looking, I snuck outside to play under the tree. When the sun hung low in the sky I slipped back into my room. Either she didn’t know I went outside, or she didn’t care—that time.

  Later that night a strange man came over. They stayed in Janet’s bedroom drinking and laughing so loud I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t know what time it was when she came into my room, jerked me out of bed, and threw me to the floor.

  “Get your little ass outside and stay there ‘til I tell you to come in!”

  “But, Janet, it’s dark. Why do I have to go outside? Why can’t I stay here and sleep?”

  “Don’t argue with me, little bitch! I don’t want you in my face! MOVE IT!”

  Getting up from the floor, I ran outside, but the cold forced me back inside to get my blanket. They were on the couch, naked! Tiptoeing, I tried to sneak past them, but the man saw me, and smiled.

  “Hey, who’s this little angel?”

  “It’s Eddie’s kid, and she’s a little bitch! What are you doing back in here!?” she bellowed.

  “I came for my blanket.”

  Furious, she leaped off the couch, and was standing in my face before I could run. “Well, I don’t think so! Get outside! NOW!” Her wide nostrils flared even more.

  “But, my blanket!” I took a step toward my room, but her hand struck the side of my face so hard it sent me tumbling halfway across the room.

  “GET OUT!” she screamed and came toward me again.

  Frightened, I bolted up from the floor, and ran outside before she reached me. For hours I sat under the tree, freezing, and waited for daylight.

  The sun had been up for several hours when the man came out of the house and left. I waited and waited, and it had gotten dark again before she called me to come in.

  The moment I stepped inside the door, she grabbed my arm and the back of her free hand struck my face, hurting so much my eyes watered.

  “Don’t you ever disobey me again!” She spoke through clinched teeth. “Get to your room and stay there!”

  I ran to my room, slammed my door, and flung myself onto the bed. I didn’t expect dinner, and I was right. Another day with nothing to eat. “Damn! This is worse than it ever was on the road with Daddy! Here, there’s food, except I can’t get to it without risking a beating.”

  But—after several days—I did take that chance.

  I’d wait until she passed out, then I’d sneak into the kitchen, grab a slice of cheese or a piece of bologna and run back to my room. She drank a bottle or more of bourbon every time Daddy was gone, so she always passed out, sooner or later.

  I’d fallen asleep and was dreaming of happier days with Bobbi, when awakened by laughter from the kitchen and a man’s voice. Jumping out of bed, I ran into the living room expecting to see Daddy, but that strange man from the night before had returned.

  He had a bottle of booze in one hand and the other hand was up the front of Janet’s dress. Seeing me, she tossed her head back and cackled in amusement.

  “So, little bitch, you want some of this?” Her lips curled with
disgust. “I just made a deal with Hank that for twenty bucks and this bottle of bourbon he gets you!” she shrieked in her drunken state.

  “What do you mean, he gets me?”

  Janet mocked, in a sing-song voice, “What do you mean? What do you mean?” Then, as if on cue, her expression changed, and her face hardened. Her lips pursed with suppressed fury, and I began to float away to my safe place.

  My protectors knew exactly what she meant!

  “I mean, little whore, Hank’s gonna take you and have his way with you, and you’re gonna do whatever he wants!”

  Her words cut like a knife had been shoved deeply into my heart, and again, I felt sorrow, and fear for the others.

  “I won’t!” Jean yelled, defying her, expecting to feel Janet’s hand across her face. Instead, Hank grabbed the back of her neck with his burly hand, and squeezed tightly.

  “I just paid Janet twenty dollars cash, plus this bottle, to have a little whore like you!” he retorted, then threw Jean to the floor. Her head hit the wall. When she looked up, Hank stood over her glaring, wildly. “You’ll do as I say, or I’ll kill you! Understand, bitch?”

  Lying there dazed, Hank jerked her off the floor by her hair, slammed her into the wall and ground his body into hers.

  “Are you gonna do as I say, or do I have to hurt you?”

  “Fine! What do you want, asshole?” Jean’s anger—her defense mechanism— boiled over.

  “That’s better, little whore! Enjoy your booze, Janet.” He handed her the bottle, and with his hand still around the back of Jean’s neck, he pushed her in front of him.

  “Oh, I’ll enjoy this, Hank.” She flung herself down on the couch, cackling. “Have fun with the little bitch!”

  Jean gave her a look that should’ve made the hair stand up on the back of her gaunt neck, but absorbed in pouring a stiff shot of bourbon, Janet didn’t notice.

  Hank slammed my door, then threw Jean on the bed and began to undress. “Get those clothes off, little whore. I’ve waited all day for this.”

  Hank was broad-shouldered, with enormous hands, a cratered face, frazzled salt and pepper hair, and piercing brown eyes. His breath smelled of liquor. His voice, husky.