BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival

by Sue Julsen

  I understood the others had to protect me, but I knew as well as they did, that night would be another just like all those times with Uncle Frank, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. I had to stay tucked away—safe—while Jean took the abuse from this horrible, disgusting man.

  Against her will, he held Jean and shoved his filthy rod in her face. She wanted to bite him until he fuckin’ screamed, but she knew he’d hurt her badly if she did. I cried when Jean closed her eyes and had to settle for more humiliation and pain.

  Another night we’d all want to forget forever, but we knew only bitter memories would remain.

  Then he moaned, and the horrible, salty, musky taste made Jean gag. Still, he continued to shove his hips forward over and over again. When he finally had finished, he rolled over on my bed and passed out.

  Crying, Jean crawled into the corner, and sat in the dark to wait. She hoped he’d leave when he woke up and we’d never see him again, but she didn’t bother to pray. She knew it wouldn’t do any good.

  Regaining control, Jean’s rage replaced her tears, and with malice she said under her breath, “I hate this man! I hate Janet! I hate everything about our fuckin’ life! I hate myself for letting it happen!”

  She wanted to die…she wanted to disappear and never be found again.

  Hours passed before Hank began to stir. Sitting up, he rubbed his crotch. “Where’s my little whore? Come on, where are you?”

  Jean didn’t answer. She didn’t breathe. He rolled off the bed, and his big hands groped in the darkness until he found her crumpled in the corner.

  “Ahh, there you are. You know you want more, little whore.” He grabbed her, and pushed her hand down the length of his rod. “Feel it! It’s big and hard just for you.”

  Laughing, he pulled Jean to her feet, and threw her on the bed….

  I awoke feeling like I’d been hit by a freight train, but I didn’t know what had happened after Hank threw Jean onto the bed. I had numerous black and blue marks all over my body. I could guess at how I got them, and again, hate filled my heart.

  I felt so sorry for Jean as I imagined the torture she must’ve gone through while I remained safe, and totally in the dark. Ann, protecting me like she had so many times in the past when Daddy started doing things, had refused to allow me to see what the monster was doing to Jean.

  Listening, I heard Jean’s voice. “When Daddy gets back, he’ll take us away from here, away from this fuckin’ bitch who let Hank do this to me, won’t he, Ann?”

  “I hope so, Jean. All this pain for a stinking bottle of booze and twenty bucks!”

  Exhausted, but knowing that Jean was okay, and that Ann would reveal to me in my dreams what had actually transpired with the monster, Hank, I fell back to sleep.

  Jean wanted to take a hot bath so she’d feel better. When she felt she could stand, she got up, opened the door, and peeked out. She saw Janet lying on the couch, and she jumped back into the room, afraid Janet had seen her.

  When she realized Janet had passed out, Jean went to stand over her. She looked down at Janet with so much hate she could’ve killed her, and thought, if only I had a gun, I’d kill this fuckin’ bitch, and I wouldn’t have any regrets doing it!

  Leaving Janet’s side, she went into the bathroom, filled the tub with water hotter than she knew she could stand, but she wanted the water hot enough to disinfect her—to cleanse them of Hank…Uncle Frank…the boys…and…and Daddy.

  It burned as she slid into the wetness, and she cried.

  “When Daddy comes back he’ll take us away. I know he will. I know he will,” Jean mumbled over and over again. She felt if she could hold onto those thoughts they’d be okay. She sat in the water until it had turned cold, and sobbed.

  She still felt dirty.

  Janet’s screaming voice rang throughout the house. “Suzy, where the hell are you? Get your ass out here!”

  Jean scrambled out of the cold water, not taking time to dry off, wrapped the towel around her, and ran into the living room where the bitch stood in middle of the room, glaring.

  “I was taking a bath, Janet.”

  “Oh, you were, were you? How was last night with Hank?” She snorted, then cackled. “I just have one thing to tell you, little whore…if you tell your daddy about this, it’ll be the last thing you ever say to anyone. Got it?”

  The vision from my nightmare of Janet standing over me with the knife entered Jean’s mind. Holding her temper, she replied, “Yeah, I got it. Can I go to my room?”

  “Get out of my sight! I don’t want to see you until Mark gets here tonight.”

  “Who’s Mark?”

  “He’s your next lay, little whore! And, another twenty bucks and another bottle for me. You’re gonna make me so much money. So much money!” She stumbled off into her bedroom and slammed the door.

  Jean felt the temper she’d been trying to keep in check rising as she went into my room, slamming the door. She threw herself down on the bed. “Now what are we gonna do? We can’t tell Daddy what she’s making us do. What are we gonna tell Daddy when he asks about the fuckin’ bruises? Damn it, guys! What are we gonna do?” Jean, crying, pleaded to the others.

  I cried with her. I wanted to help, but there was nothing I could do.

  Jean had fallen asleep pondering the current situation, when awakened by laughter and Janet yelling, “Get your ass out here, little whore! Mark’s waiting!”

  Jean didn’t answer. She hoped he’d go away. She held her breath.

  “I said get out here, NOW! little WHORE!”

  The tone of Janet’s voice frightened them so much, Jean jumped off the bed and ran into the living room, stopping just before she ran into a slender man, probably in his early thirties, light brown hair, and dazzling blue eyes. His face, attractive and smooth.

  He smiled, and turned to Janet. “I thought she’d be bigger, Jan. Has she done this before?”

  “Hundreds of times, Mark. Take her and have fun. She won’t disappoint you.” Laughing, she pointed toward my room.

  Again, Jean gave her a look of total contempt. But again, engrossed in pouring her next drink, Janet didn’t see it. Mark followed Jean into my room. He seemed kind. Nothing like Hank, and he even acted shy and didn’t want to turn on the light.

  “Your name is Suzy?”

  “Uh, yeah, but why don’t you call me Jean?”

  “That was my grandma’s name!” He said with a gleeful smile. “Jean, have you done this before? I mean, Janet says you have, but you’re so young. So tiny.”

  “It’s been done to me before.” Jean couldn’t see his face in the darkness to tell if he was joshing or not. His voice sounded sincere, but she thought it might just be a ploy; a part of his game.

  “Do you want to do it with me?”

  “No! But Janet will beat me if I don’t,” she blurted out before thinking.

  “I see. Well, we don’t have to do anything. I mean, we don’t have to have sex. You could just…well, you know….”

  “Whatever.” Jean knew she was being sarcastic, but she couldn’t help it.

  “I want you to like me, Jean. I really do! I like it with little girls, but older ones. Will you touch it?”

  “Dang! Would you listen to this jerk! He’s begging her to like him and to take care of his stinkin’ itch.” Although her voice was a bit more forceful than usual, I still recognized Polly’s shy, quiet voice.

  Yeah, but maybe, I can make this work in our favor, Jean thought. “Mark, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll touch it, or do whatever else you want, if you’ll bring food when you come to see me.”

  Jean crossed her fingers.

  “Food? That’s all I have to do? Bring food and you’ll do me?”

  He sounded so surprised the others wanted to laugh, and thought Jean’s plan just might work.

  “That’s it, Mark. But, it has to be just between us, okay? Don’t tell Janet!”

  “I won’t say anything. But, why don’t you
get food from the refrigerator?”

  “Dang, he is like talking to a child,” Ann’s sweet voice whispered.

  “Mark, listen to me. You can’t tell Janet or anyone what I’m gonna tell you.”

  “I promise, I won’t say anything! Cross my heart!” Raising his hand, he made the cross symbol with his finger over his heart. “Tell me! Tell me!”

  “Janet’s mean to me, Mark. She makes me do these things with her friends so they’ll give her money and booze, but she only feeds me once in a while. I get so hungry. Will you sneak food in when you come to see me?”

  “Sure, I’ll do it! What do you like?”

  “Aye, I’m starting to like this guy!” Scottie voiced, then laughed.

  “Hamburgers, hot dogs, French fries, you know, all the normal kid stuff.” Jean answered, and smiled broadly. She knew her plan had worked.

  “Okay! It’s hard for me to get away sometimes, but I’ll try to see you once a week. I wish it could be more, but I’ll bring food when I come. I promise!”

  “Thank you, Mark. I think we’re gonna be real good friends.” Jean winked at the others in the dim light.

  Mark got his rocks off and was happy. He fell asleep soon after. Jean felt better knowing they’d get something to eat more regularly, and since it worked so easy on Mark, she thought it might work on the other mother fuckers, too.

  “Daddy, you’d be so proud of me. The same way you’ve taken from all the stupid women, I’m gonna take from these assholes as much as I can! They get what they want, and we get what we need,” Jean gloated.

  Grinning, she fell into a peaceful sleep next to Mark.

  When I awoke, I cracked open my door just enough to listen for any sounds, but heard nothing, peeked out into the living room. Glancing around, I didn’t see Janet anywhere in sight, so I ventured out, went to the bathroom, then into the kitchen to see what I’d find to munch on. Except for a few bottles of beer, some leftovers turning green, and some cheese, the fridge was empty.

  I grabbed a slice of cheese, and ran back into my room. Not wanting to get caught, I inhaled the cheese, then peered out my door again. Everything had remained quiet. Wandering out again, I tiptoed over to Janet’s door. Not hearing any movement inside, I quietly cracked open her door and found the room empty.

  She didn’t appear to be inside the house at all.

  Looking outside, I saw her car was gone. Feeling elated, I danced around the room singing, “Yeah! I’m all alone! The wicked witch is gone! The wicked witch is gone! Yeah, I’m all alone! The wicked witch is gone!”

  But, my happiness only lasted a few more moments when I heard a noise in front of the house. I glanced out the window as Janet got out of her car. “Shit!” I ran into my room, and closed the door. “I’m sure glad I had time to steal the cheese before she came back,” I whispered, and sat down on the bed to wait.

  Waiting for what, the others didn’t know, but we didn’t wait long to find out.

  “Suzy! Get your scrawny ass out here, NOW!” Janet screeched.

  “Now what does the bitch want?” I whispered, then meandered into the living room where she stood, glaring.

  “I’m having a party tonight, and I don’t want to see your ugly face when my guests arrive. Do you hear me?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’re to stay in your room, and do not, I repeat, do not come out!”

  “Okay.” I shrugged, then went back into my room and shut the door.

  Later on I heard drunken laughter in the kitchen and living room. All voices were male, except Janet—the only female in a house full of men!

  “Aye, she’s having a party all right! An orgy!” Scottie laughed.

  I stayed in my room until I had to go to the bathroom. When I couldn’t hold it any longer, I cracked open my door just enough to squeeze through, then slithered along the wall, trying to stay in the shadows. I made it halfway down the hall, unnoticed, when I felt a tug on my hair and I was slammed into the wall.

  “Just what are you doing?” Janet’s voice rang thick with insinuation.

  “I have to go to the bathroom, Janet.”

  “Someday, little whore, you’ll learn to obey me!” She then pulled me down the hall by my hair, into my room, and threw me to the floor. “I’ll deal with you later!” she shrieked, walked out of my room, slamming the door behind her.

  I sat on the floor and peed.

  “Daddy, please come back soon. I need you, Daddy,” I whispered into the darkness, and sobbed. As the noise from the party subsided, I fell asleep on the floor.

  It was late in the day when Janet came into my room, jerking me out of sleep. Grabbing my hair, she pulled me outside and over to the big tree.

  “Since you like this fuckin’ tree so much, you can eat its dirt!”

  She shoved my head into a hole she’d dug near the trunk, holding the back of my head and neck tightly. The grit clawed at my face as I struggled against her grip. The damp, musty smell of the dirt pulled the breath out of me.

  Trapped, unable to escape my lungs screamed for air.

  I felt faint and had stopped thrashing about when she finally yanked my head out of the hole. While still gasping for air, she pulled me across the yard and over to the old tractor where I saw a rope that hadn’t been there before tied to the side.

  “I told you I’d deal with you later, little whore. Now, you’re gonna stay tied to this tractor ‘til your daddy gets back. You’re gonna learn to obey me, or else!”

  Laughing, she bound my feet with the rope, then started walking away. After a few steps she stopped, took an old piece of bread from her apron pocket, and threw it in front of me in the dirt.

  “This is your food for the day, little whore. Enjoy it!” She cackled all the way into the house.

  “I hate you! I hate you!” I screamed as she closed the door, then whispered, “Fuckin’ mean, ugly, bitch! I hate you.”

  I didn’t see her anymore that day, and I remained tied to the tractor all night. It was cold—so very cold. All I had on was a thin dress; my shoes were in the house. I curled up, shivering, and slept as much as the weather would allow me.

  Late the next afternoon she came out of the house, and again, took an old piece of bread from her apron pocket and threw it next to the one from the day before. Without a word, she went back into the house.

  That night seemed colder than the night before. Curling up close to the tire, trying to block some of the wind, I hoped for a little warmth, but if any heat came from the tire at all, I couldn’t feel it. I thought I’d freeze to death.

  “Ah, death. Welcomed death. Please, let us die tonight,” Ann’s soft voice whispered in my head.

  But death didn’t come that night, or the next, or the next. After four days I was so hungry, I gave in and ate the dirty, stale bread. But, I shouldn’t have eaten it all at once. When she came out and saw it gone, she laughed, shoved my daily ration back into her pocket and went into the house.

  It was several more days, late in the afternoon, before she came out and untied me, yelling, “Get your ass in the house and get cleaned up. Your father’s coming back today.”

  I’d taken two steps toward the house when she grabbed my hair, and fiercely jerked my head backwards. Putting her face close to mine, she hissed, “Don’t even think about telling your daddy about this, or my party! You hear me?”

  “I hear you. I won’t tell.”

  After she released me with a shove, I went straight to the bathroom and took a long, hot bath. I felt the longer I stayed out of her sight, the better off I’d be. I wished I could stay hidden until Daddy came through the door, but I knew I couldn’t.

  I got out of the water when it started to get cold. I’d been cold long enough without sitting in a tub of cold water, too! Drying off, I’d just gone into my room when Janet came in with one of her old dresses she’d cut down.

  “We don’t want your daddy thinking I let you run around in that dirty, old dress of yours, now do we?” With a smirk
, she slung the dress at me. “Put it on, and don’t give me any shit if it doesn’t fit!”

  Hours later I heard Daddy’s voice, and Janet telling him I was in my room. I sat on my bed and waited for him instead of rushing out to greet him like I usually did.

  “Hey there, munchkin!” He burst into my room. “Daddy’s home! Gee, it’s dark in here. Why don’t you turn on the light?”

  He reached for the lamp, but I stopped him. “No, Daddy! I like the dark. Please don’t turn on the light.” I didn’t want him to see the bruises until I had an explanation—a convincing lie—about how I got them.

  “Okay. If you want to stay in the dark, you can. Did you miss me?”

  Standing on my bed, I threw my arms around his neck. “I missed you so much, Daddy. Please don’t leave me ever again!” I begged as tears rolled down my face.

  “Hey, what you cryin’ about? I wasn’t gone that long.” He hugged me tight against his chest.

  “Yes, you were! You were gone too long, Daddy. Please don’t leave again!”

  “Well, sweetie, I can’t promise that. I’m top salesman now. I’ll be goin’ some place every week from now on. Sometimes I’ll be gone several weeks at a time.”

  “No, Daddy! No! You can’t leave me…” I stopped short when I saw Janet standing in the open doorway.

  “What’s wrong, Sar…Suzy?”

  Looking into Janet’s eyes, I saw hate. I knew the look well because I hated her more than I dreamed possible—much more than I ever hated Uncle Frank and his three sons.

  Luckily, she didn’t notice Daddy had almost called me Sarah.

  “Nothing’s wrong, Daddy. It’s just…um…I miss you when you’re gone.”

  Janet gave me a smirk that told me I’d said the right thing, so she turned and left my doorway.

  “I know, baby. I miss you too, but I have to work and make a livin’.” He smiled.

  “I know, Daddy.”

  We heard pots and pans clanking around, so I knew she’d gone to the kitchen, but I was still too scared to tell Daddy anything that had happened while he was gone. It would be just like Janet to make a little noise in the kitchen to throw me off guard, then sneak back and hide outside my door.