BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival

by Sue Julsen

  I didn’t know if she tried to convince me or herself, but I hoped I’d remember everyone she said waited for me back home—all the people she said loved me and missed me and wanted me home.

  I still felt bad for leaving Daddy, and I couldn’t forget the wretchedness I’d seen in his eyes. He’d cried because of me. All because I cared more for myself than staying with him so he’d be happy.

  “I’m sorry, Daddy,” I whispered, knowing the train wheels’ chugging clatter would drown out my voice. I didn’t want to hurt Mama with my thoughts…

  “Wherever you are, we’re all so sorry,” Ann’s soft, sweet voice finished for me.

  Eighteen

  1960 – Lubbock, Texas

  Mama’s face blossomed into a broad smile when the train pulled into the station. She turned to me with joyful excitement in her voice, saying, “Sarah, we’re home! You’ll meet my brother in a few minutes!”

  I looked out the window, scanning faces of every man I could see standing on the platform. I didn’t recognize anyone in sight, but several men were standing back in the shadows, so I couldn’t see their faces.

  “Come on, honey. It’s time to go.”

  Suddenly, I felt scared. I hesitated, and looked up at Mama with fear in my eyes.

  “What’s wrong, Sarah?” Baffled for a moment, Mama read the fear on my face, and sat back down. “Oh, baby! It’s okay. No one’s gonna hurt you. I promise you, sweetie, you’re safe now.” Standing, she smiled, and slowly put her hand out to me.

  “I’m sorry, Mama.” I stood up, took her hand. I tried to smile as we departed the train car, but my stomach felt like I’d swallowed a jar full of butterflies. As we neared the exit I tightened my grip around Mama’s fingers.

  As soon as we stepped out onto the platform, a tall man walked up—I didn’t see where he came from—but he was smiling. He gave Mama a hug, and asked, “How was the trip, Vi?”

  “Henry, it was wonderful! Sarah, this is my brother, and your uncle. Do you remember him?”

  I looked into his face, shook my head, and said, “No, Mama.”

  His smile instantly vanished. He looked devastated! It’d never crossed his mind that I’d have no memories of my life before the abduction and, with anger in his voice, he told Mama he’d bet his life that my daddy had done everything possible to make me forget!

  I knew he was right about that, but I didn’t say anything.

  After a long moment he’d pulled himself together and said, “That’s okay, Sarah. It’s been a long time.” He then forced a sad smile, and said, “Let’s go home, girls. The car’s around the corner.”

  Picking up Mama’s suitcase, he asked about mine, but I told him I’d carry it. He didn’t know my battered red suitcase contained everything special to me. I felt I’d lost enough and I didn’t want to take a chance of losing what little I had left.

  During the drive to my grandparent’s house they talked about how things used to be before Daddy took me away. I knew they were hoping I’d hear something to make me remember, but I didn’t.

  When Uncle Henry parked in front of an older house, I looked out the car window, and exclaimed, “Wow! Pretty flowers!”

  “Those are Bluebonnets, sweetie.” Mama smiled at me, but when she looked at her brother, the look on their faces said more than words could. They knew how much I’d loved these forgotten flowers, and they both wanted to kill Daddy for the years stolen from me.

  “And the innocence the bastard took from us!” Jean whispered with spite.

  A smiling old woman greeted us at the door. “Sarah, it’s good to have you home!”

  I looked up at Mama with question written on my face. I hoped the old woman wouldn’t look as sad as Uncle Henry had at the station.

  “Sarah, this is Margaret, my mother; your grandmother.” She looked at her mother and shook her head. “I’m sorry, Mother. Sarah doesn’t remember anything.”

  Her face didn’t look quite as distraught, but her eyes widened in surprise, and her voice expressed her disbelief as she said, “What? She doesn’t remember you or Henry!?”

  “No, Mother, not yet. We hope in time she will.”

  “Well, I have something here she’ll remember!” The old woman picked up a doll from the back of the couch. “Sarah, you remember her, don’t you?”

  Her tone carried so much hope, again, I wanted to lie, but I didn’t.

  “Is this the doll you told me about, Mama?”

  “Yes, Sarah. This is Judy. You never went anywhere without her, and you always said she was your best friend in the whole world.” Tears welled up in her eyes, and once more, she forced a smile.

  I felt so bad, I began to cry. I was on the verge of hysterics as I cried out between sobs, “I’m sorry I don’t remember the doll or any of you! I want to, but I can’t!” Tears rolled down my face. I felt hopelessly distressed.

  Mama bent down and held me close to her, then spoke softly. “It’s okay, baby. Don’t cry. It’s not your fault, sweetie.” She still held me, but she’d pushed me back just enough to look into my eyes, and said, “Tell you what. We’ll start over. Today will be the first day of the rest of our lives. Okay, baby?”

  I followed her eyes as she looked first at her mother, then at her brother, and then back at me once more. They all had tears running down their cheeks. Each one tried to smile, but still, I saw the sadness in their eyes. I didn’t know what to say to make them, or me, feel better.

  “Sarah, since we’re starting over, I want to tell you something very important,” the old woman said, grinning at me.

  “What?” I sniveled.

  “I hate being called grandma, but you can call me grandmother.”

  “And, you can call me granddad,” a friendly voice from behind me said.

  Turning around, an old man stood in the doorway, smiling, and I saw a sparkle in his denim blue eyes that picked up my spirits. I smiled, and said, “Okay, Granddad! No ma’s or pa’s around here!”

  Then everyone laughed, and it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

  “There’s a hot apple pie in the kitchen.” Grandmother winked at me. “Anyone hungry?”

  The response, in unison was, “Starving!”

  Again everyone laughed, and I began to feel a little bit happier. I didn’t remember anything or anyone, but I liked my new-found relatives, and they seemed to like me, too.

  We went through a bedroom on the way to the kitchen, and I felt they were waiting for me to yell out: “Hey, I remember—” whatever they hoped for. But, I didn’t see anything in the living room, bedroom, or kitchen that looked even slightly familiar.

  I even had to ask where the bathroom was!

  Uncle Henry finished his pie and said, “Well, Olivia’s waiting to hear Sarah made it here safe, so I’d better head on home. Mother, if you need me, just call, day or night.”

  He wanted her to know she could still count on him, and hoped with me home she wouldn’t have any more spells.

  “Everything’s gonna be just fine, son.” She looked at me and smiled. “Go home. You don’t need to worry about us.”

  She gave Henry a peck on the cheek, then he kissed Mama on the cheek. Next, he looked at me and smiled, so I turned my cheek up and he kissed me, too!

  Then, Granddad said, “Hey, what about me?”

  Everyone laughed, so Mama and Grandmother went to him, one on either side, and at the same time, they gave him a kiss.

  Uncle Henry, laughing, shook his head. “Gotta watch what you ask for around these ladies, Dad. Gotta go.”

  “Wait for me, son. I’ll walk you out.” Smiling, he pushed his empty plate in front of Mama. “You think you can find a piece of pie for this?”

  “I’ll see what I can do about that, Dad.” She grinned.

  They seemed so happy joking around. While watching them interact, I hoped I’d start to remember something—anything—soon.

  Mama dished up Granddad’s pie, then poured herself and Grandmother anothe
r cup of coffee. I went exploring, and was sitting on the couch, looking at the doll, when a woman walked into the house.

  “Well, I see you made it,” the woman said, snidely.

  “Who are you?” Looking up into the stranger’s face, I hoped she wasn’t a relative, but before she could answer, Mama came into the room.

  “Sarah, this is my sister, Barbara. She’s your aunt.” She looked at Barbara, “She doesn’t remember anything, Barb.”

  “Well, I’ll tell you right now, little girl, do not call me Aunt Barbara! You call me Auntie! Do you hear me?”

  “I’m not deaf!” She reminded me so much of Janet, I took an instant dislike to her.

  “Snippy little bitch, isn’t she?”

  “That’s enough, Barbara! I won’t have you talking to, or about, my daughter like that! Do YOU hear ME!?”

  Mama was furious, and had both hands clinched into a tight fist. I didn’t know what would happen next, but then Granddad came into the house.

  Sternly, he asked, “What’s going on in here?”

  He really sounded mad! I held my breath.

  “I won’t put up with fighting in front of the child!” he snapped. “She’s been through enough! I suggest you go to neutral corners, right now!”

  “Fine!” Barbara stomped out of the room.

  “Sarah, honey,” Mama sat down beside me, “I’m so sorry for what Barbara said. Ignore her and just try to stay out of her way. Okay?”

  “Okay, Mama.” I wanted to tell her I’d been called worse, but I didn’t.

  “Dad, you have a piece of pie waiting for you.”

  “Thank you, dear. I’ll just go and make it disappear.” Laughing, he headed toward the kitchen.

  Mama and Grandmother stayed in the kitchen drinking coffee and cooking “a feast” in honor of my homecoming. Auntie Bitch said she wouldn’t be home for dinner, and everyone smiled.

  Granddad and I went outside and sat under the big tree, but we didn’t talk. We just watched the bees going from one flower to the next, and I felt so peaceful sitting next to him.

  That night we had a fabulous dinner of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn on the cob, and more apple pie. After Mama and Grandmother cleaned the kitchen, we all went into the living room and watched TV.

  Grandmother dipped a little stick in some brown stuff, then put the stick in her mouth, and after a few minutes it oozed out the corners of her mouth. It looked and smelled gross! Granddad smoked his pipe, but it smelled good, like cherries.

  Mama fell asleep on the couch, and I looked from one to the other, thinking, except for Auntie Bitch, I could be happy living with these people. Then, I fell asleep next to Mama.

  When I woke up my nose led me to the kitchen where Mama was cooking, and Grandmother and Granddad were at the table drinking coffee. Mama smiled when I came into the room. “Breakfast will be ready in a few minutes. We’re having pancakes.”

  “Pancakes?”

  “Sarah? What’s wrong, sweetie? You look confused.”

  “I don’t know, Mama. When you said pancakes, it’s like I can almost remember something, but then I can’t.”

  She came over and knelt down beside me. “Sarah, the night your daddy took you, I tucked you and Judy in bed and told you we’d have pancakes when I got home.” Tears began to roll down her cheeks.

  “I’m sorry, Mama. Please don’t cry,” I begged.

  “It’s not your fault, sweetie. I’m just happy to have you home. I missed you so much.”

  “Hey, Violet. The bacon’s gonna burn!” Granddad chuckled.

  “Oh, my gosh! I forgot!” She bolted to the stove, grabbed the skillet off the burner, then turned to us and said, “Crispy bacon, anyone?”

  We all laughed.

  She gave me two pancakes and four pieces of bacon, but said I could have more if I wanted. I cleaned my plate, then asked for two more pancakes and more bacon.

  “You sure you can eat all that?” Granddad asked.

  “Yep! Sure can, Granddad.”

  They didn’t think I’d eat it all, but I did. Mama laughed and her eyes sparkled like blue diamonds. I decided right then, my mama was the prettiest lady in the world, and I loved her.

  And in that moment, I would’ve given anything just to remember her.

  Granddad and I walked down to the lake at the end of their road after breakfast, and sat on the wooden pier for hours. We didn’t talk much, and I was glad he didn’t ask a bunch of questions like most grown-ups.

  Over the next several weeks Granddad and I spent a lot of time at the lake. Sometimes I played in the water where it wasn’t too deep, but Granddad always watched me, and before I got out too far he’d tell me to come back toward him. Laughing, I’d splash all the way back to him.

  I always loved the water, but I didn’t know why.

  Auntie Bitch acted so different from Mama and Granddad. She drank a lot, and she always asked questions about where Daddy had taken me and what we did. I’d tell her I didn’t remember, and then she’d try to pick a fight with me, but I never took the bait.

  Instead, I’d get up and leave the room. Sometimes she’d follow me, making it impossible to sneak outside, so to avoid her, I’d go into the bathroom and hide out for a while.

  Auntie Bitch had been gone all day, but that night when she came stumbling in drunk she followed Mama into the bedroom. Auntie wanted a fight, but Mama didn’t take any of her shit and knocked her on her ass! I laughed, but when she got off the floor, Auntie backhanded me, knocking me down.

  Mama lit into her like a tiger! When it was all over, Auntie Bitch had a black eye and a bloody nose, but Mama didn’t have a scratch!

  The fight scared me, but I sure enjoyed seeing Mama beat the crap out of her!

  Grandmother called Uncle Henry, and within the hour he showed up asking if Mama was drunk, too. Granddad told him, “Nope. She’s sober as a judge.”

  Uncle Henry talked to Mama where I couldn’t hear what they said, then he talked to Auntie Bitch, and he sounded furious. When finished, he stormed out of the house, and slammed the door.

  A slamming door? That sounded familiar, but I dismissed it as being a more recent memory. Daddy had always slammed doors when he got mad at Janet, or one of the other women. He had so many women before he met Janet.

  I’d been home for about two months when Mama said she’d be back in a few hours. I waited up for her, but at midnight she still hadn’t returned or called. I’d fallen asleep on the couch when she stumbled into the house and fell down.

  Jumping up, I ran to her. “Mama, are you okay? Are you sick?” Then, I smelled the booze on her breath. “Mama, you’re drunk! Why, Mama?”

  “I can’t drink around here with all these damn watch dogs! I can’t stand it anymore!”

  I was afraid she meant she couldn’t stand having me around, but before I could ask, she screeched, “What are you doin’ up? Go to bed, NOW!”

  Her words were slurred, and the way she yelled reminded me of Janet! I ran and jumped into my bed just as Auntie Bitch came in the door. Within moments the yelling really started! I’d pulled my covers over my head to hide when Granddad came in and told me to take my blanket and to wait on the back porch until he came for me.

  Scared, I jumped up and did as told.

  I curled up next to Blackie on the porch and cried. Fighting always meant someone would get hurt, and I hoped Mama, in her drunken state, could beat Auntie Bitch like she’d done before.

  When Granddad finally came for me, Grandmother was sitting at the table, crying, and Mama had gone with Uncle Henry. Auntie Bitch had passed out in Mama’s room, so I went into the living room and slept on the couch.

  I expected Mama to be back when I woke up, but when she wasn’t, Granddad told me that she’d gone to a place where she could get some help, and she wouldn’t be home for a while.

  I didn’t know where Uncle Henry had taken her, but when Mama came home she seemed her normal self. Laughter had returned to the house�
�except when Auntie Bitch was home. Then, no one laughed.

  Granddad told me Barbara had a short fuse and loved to fight, especially when drunk. He said, “My daughters have fought since they were kids but, they’re not kids anymore, and I can’t control them.”

  His expression seemed etched with sorrow and his voice sounded wooden-like as he shook his head and said, “Sarah, stay away from Barbara. I don’t want you gettin’ hurt.”

  Of course, I listened to Granddad. When Auntie came home I’d play outside with Blackie and, if she was still there at bedtime, I’d sleep on the porch. With Auntie Bitch around everyone walked on egg shells. We were so afraid of her temper tantrums, and we didn’t want to do anything to set her off on one of her tangents.

  When Mama stumbled in drunk, if Auntie Bitch wasn’t home, she’d just fall into bed and pass out. But if the bitch was there, a fight was imminent. As soon as the fight started, Granddad would try to break them up, but he’d get knocked down. Grandmother would cry and call Henry, and I’d hide on the porch until everything got quiet.

  Uncle Henry lived about thirty-five minutes away. He’d show up, yell at the bitch, then he’d take Mama away. Weeks later, Mama would return home and everything would be normal again, until the next binge.

  Auntie still drank every night, but Mama didn’t drink for quite a while after the last time she went away. Often I’d find her crying, and ask what I could do to help, but she didn’t have an answer.

  I was so scared she’d leave one night and never come back.

  For the third time in a week Mama went to the store and came home drunk, but fortunately, each time Auntie Bitch wasn’t around. Grandmother cried and I heard her say she didn’t know how much more she could take. She said, “Jack, he has to do something with her. Henry has to do something!”

  I’d gone outside to play with Blackie when Granddad came out to tell me Uncle Henry would be taking me to his house for the weekend and to be ready by five. I liked Uncle Henry, but I didn’t really like Aunt Olivia. She said if I was her daughter she’d beat the meanness out of me. I was terrified of her!

  Grandmother hugged me a lot, and said I looked just like Mama when she was little, but the first time I met Aunt Olivia she acted like she’d already decided not to like me. I figured it was because she hated Daddy so much.