BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival

by Sue Julsen

  I asked Granddad if he thought Daddy was bad and he said, “Sarah, your daddy’s a bad man. He was mean to your Mama, to me and your grandmother. For his sake, I hope I never see him again.”

  So, I figured, if you’re bad, you’re also mean, but then I heard Polly’s voice whispering in my head. “We never wanted to be bad. They made us do those things! I wish we could tell Granddad, but he’d send us away. He wouldn’t love us. We can’t ever tell anyone!”

  She sounded very distraught, and I felt sorry for her—for all of us.

  With my suitcase packed, I’d gone outside to sit under the tree when Uncle Henry arrived. I was excited to go, but I was still afraid of Aunt Olivia. He told me to wait in the car while he talked to Granddad, so I ran to the car and climbed in the back seat.

  When he returned, frowning, he opened my door. “You don’t have to sit back here, Sarah. Come on, get up front with me.”

  I didn’t know if his frown was because of me or something Granddad had said, but I jumped out, climbed into the front seat, and smiled ear to ear. “I never got to ride in the front before!” I said when he got behind the wheel and had closed his door.

  “Well, I think it’s time you do.” He smiled, then turned up the radio.

  I heard country music like Daddy had listened to, and realized I still missed Daddy sometimes. But I knew not to tell anyone else that. They got mad every time they talked about him! Besides, I needed to forget that life—if I could—and maybe then, I’d stop having nightmares.

  Uncle Henry didn’t talk much, so I just listened to the music until he turned into a driveway, and said, “Here we are, Sarah. This is where I live.”

  I sat up as tall as possible to see out the window. His house looked older, but nice. There were two flower beds with really tall flowers near the street, and two medium-sized cedar trees on either side of a concrete walkway going up to a big front porch.

  We got my suitcase out of the back seat, and when he saw me looking at the flowers he told me they were called zinnias and that Olivia cut them to put in vases. Then we walked through the cedar trees, up the walk and onto the porch. I got excited when I saw a wooden swing hanging on the far side of the porch.

  Straight away, I pictured myself sitting there swinging all day long!

  Inside, Aunt Olivia sat on the couch with a big black book on her lap. It looked like the Bible on Grandmother’s nightstand, only bigger. She wasn’t smiling.

  “Well, you finally made it,” she said sarcastically. “I had supper ready an hour ago. If you want to eat, it’s on the table. I’m not warming it up!” She glared at us for nearly a minute, then started reading again.

  We went into the dining room and Uncle Henry told me where to sit, then he sat next to me at the head of the table. We ate cold meatloaf and mashed potatoes in silence.

  After we finished eating he showed me my room, and what I thought would be my own bathroom, but he said they only had the one. We were on our way back to the dining room when Aunt Olivia got off the couch, frowning.

  “I thought you’d at least put your dirty dishes in the sink!” she snapped. “Sarah, cleaning off the table will be your job. Do you understand?”

  “Yes.”

  “Excuse me? Is that how you address an adult?”

  Not knowing what she meant, I shrugged and repeated, “Yes.”

  “Well, young lady, I’ll have to teach you some manners! When spoken to, you say, yes ma’am or no ma’am. Is that clear?”

  Wow! Testy! “Yes…ma’am.”

  “That’s better. Now, clean off the table and put those dirty dishes in the sink. You can wash them in the morning.”

  I cleared the table while she put the leftover food in the refrigerator. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be there, but I was stuck—at least for that weekend.

  “Sarah, I have to go back to work. It’ll be late when I get home, but tomorrow we can go fishing. I have a cabin on the lake.”

  “I’d like that, Uncle Henry!” I exclaimed, excited to be with him. I figured Aunt Olivia would be there too, but I hoped she’d be different after she got some sleep. I knew lack of sleep made grown-ups very cranky.

  He left and I sat on the floor watching TV until Aunt Olivia told me to go to bed. I didn’t argue, even though it was only eight o’clock! I usually stayed up until midnight, but I felt kinda tired anyway.

  I tried to give her a hug, but she pulled away from me. I went to bed hoping she’d come and tuck me in. She didn’t. I tossed and turned for hours, then when I did fall asleep I was haunted by nightmares of things I wanted to forget—and of things I didn’t remember—but they all seemed so real.

  “Do we still need to show Sarah in dreams what happened to us, Ann? She gets so frightened.”

  “It’s the only way she’ll have the chance to heal when she’s older, Polly.”

  “But, it’s sad to relive that stuff.”

  “I know, sweetie, and I’m sorry, but it has to be this way. She’s accepted us talking to her inside her head, but it’s the only way she’ll be able to fully accept us.”

  “Eh? Do ye really think someday she’ll know all about us, Annie?”

  “Yes, Scottie. I’m sure she will.”

  When I awoke soaking wet, lying in the darkness, I allowed the dreams to run through my mind. Frightening images of Uncle Frank and his sons, Janet, the tractor, the roof, the storm…and Daddy. Getting up to go to the bathroom, I bumped into a body! I jumped back, not knowing who was in my bed!

  “Where are you going, Sarah?” Olivia asked sternly.

  “I…I have to go to the bathroom.” I wanted to ask why she was sleeping in my bed, but I didn’t.

  “Well hurry up. Then get back here and go to sleep.”

  “Yes…ma’am.” I finished in the bathroom, then had to crawl over my aunt to get back to my side of the bed. I went back to sleep, but the nightmares continued all night.

  Morning came too early with Aunt Olivia waking me, telling me if I wanted to go to the lake I’d better hurry up. I felt I hadn’t slept a wink, but excited to be with Uncle Henry, I drug myself out of bed.

  The moment I came out of the bathroom, I saw my aunt’s frowning face. “Your breakfast is on the table. If you aren’t ready in half an hour, we aren’t going.”

  She followed me into the dining room where I found a bowl of white stuff on the table. “What’s this, Aunt Olivia?”

  “It’s Cream of Wheat.”

  Lukewarm, it tasted like mush. “I don’t like it.” I said, honestly.

  She turned to look at me, and that was when I first saw her alien mouth. She pressed her lips together tightly while screwing her face into a dreadful looking shape. It definitely looked extraterrestrial!

  “I suggest you eat it!” she said sharply. “That’s all you get, and it’s a long time ‘til supper.”

  I tried to eat the mush, but it tasted awful! When she wasn’t looking I dumped it in the trash. Knowing I’d be in really big trouble if she found out, I covered it up, hoping she wasn’t in the habit of digging in the garbage.

  I was ready to go within the time frame allotted.

  Not knowing she’d be driving, and Uncle Henry would be meeting us at the lake, I sat down on the couch to watch out the window for him to come pick us up. When she finally got ready to leave we walked around the house to the garage and climbed into her red Ford Falcon.

  Before we got around the corner I would’ve sworn she got her license to drive out of a box of Cracker Jacks! Stop signs and red lights must’ve been for other drivers, not her. Then, when someone honked at her, she’d cuss and yell, “Get on your side of the road, asshole!”

  After we almost got run over a dozen times, I figured anyone who rode with her was lucky to be alive. When I told Uncle Henry how she drove, he laughed and said, “Olivia doesn’t have her license yet. She only drives out here to the lake and to the grocery store, but she’s taking lessons three times a week.”

  “She needs lots of lesso
ns, Uncle Henry,” I told him, and grinned.

  Again, he laughed and explained, “She had back surgery years ago and she still has pain off and on. That’s the reason she can’t drive for very long.”

  I didn’t tell him the first stop sign she ran was right down the street from the house, or about her backing into the side of the house three times before she even got out of the driveway. But I sure hoped I wouldn’t have to ride with her ever again!

  When Uncle Henry got ready to run his trotlines he put a lifejacket on me, and helped me into the boat. I didn’t know what a trotline was, but I got excited anyway. We were on the other side of the lake when he stopped the boat next to some plastic jugs floating on top of the water. I watched closely as he pulled up a long rope with a bunch of hooks attached.

  Now, I knew what a trotline looked like!

  The first half of the rope didn’t have anything except a bunch of empty hooks, so he put little fish he called minnows on those hooks. Then he pulled up more rope and I saw big fish with whiskers on those hooks!

  He put those fish in the boat, and said, “These are catfish, Sarah.” He held one up close for me to look at. “I’ll fry up a mess of ‘em tonight for supper.”

  “I never had fish before, Uncle Henry.”

  “Well, I fry up a mean catfish.” He laughed. “Every year the police department has a fish fry, and I’m the cook. It’s coming up in a couple of weeks. Would you like to go?”

  “Yeah!” I exclaimed. “Just tell me when to be ready!”

  “I will. There’s three more lines to run, then we’ll go back, skin ‘em, and fry ‘em up.”

  That night he fried up a whole mess of catfish, and I ate like I hadn’t eaten in a year! After supper he drove me back to my grandparents. When he pulled up to the house I told him that I’d really enjoyed being out on the water with him, and I looked forward to the next time I could help him run his trotlines.

  He laughed.

  Walking up to the door, I hoped Mama and Auntie Bitch wouldn’t be drunk and fighting. I felt it would be a shame to have such a wonderful day ruined. Slowly, I opened the door listening for the usual uproar, but except for the TV, everything seemed quiet.

  Releasing the breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding, I walked in and saw Grandmother sitting in her chair sucking on the little brown stick in her mouth, and Granddad had just come back from the kitchen with a piece of pie.

  Bursting with excitement, I told them about my day, not leaving out one detail after getting to the lake, but I left out most of what happened before getting there. Like Aunt Olivia’s driving!

  I asked about Mama, and Granddad told me she was sober, but had gone to bed early with a headache. Auntie hadn’t been home all weekend. I was glad the bitch hadn’t been there, but I was happier that Mama wasn’t drunk.

  Exhausted, I gave them a hug and went out to the porch and climbed in bed. For the first time since I’d been home I slept soundly, without nightmares. I figured Ann had given me a break because she didn’t want to wreck the wonderful day I’d had, either.

  I waited all week to hear from Uncle Henry, but he didn’t call. I also waited all day Friday hoping he’d come get me, but he didn’t. Granddad said he probably just got busy, but I was still disappointed.

  When he finally called Tuesday afternoon, I wanted to pack right then, but Grandmother said I had to wait until Friday morning. Granddad took me down to the lake to help get my mind off the upcoming weekend, but in the back of my mind I kept thinking about being with Uncle Henry and eating more catfish.

  The rest of the week went by pretty fast playing with Blackie and helping Grandmother clean the house. Mama stayed in her bedroom with a migraine, saying she needed a quiet, dark room until it went away. At lunch I took her a sandwich.

  “Mama, it might make your headache go away. I made it all by myself.”

  “I need peace and quiet, Sarah, not a damn sandwich! Get out of here!”

  I’d spoken quietly so not to make her headache worse, but still she’d yelled at me. Grandmother looked up when I came into the kitchen, sandwich in hand and tears in my eyes. “Sarah, what happened? What did she do?”

  “She didn’t do anything, Grandmother. She doesn’t want the sandwich and told me to get out. I didn’t mean to make her mad.”

  “It wasn’t you, sweetie. She hasn’t had a drink in weeks. It’s just a symptom of withdrawals. Don’t cry.”

  Setting the plate on the table, I dried my tears as Granddad came in. “Well now, did you make this for me?” He smacked his lips, looking at the sandwich.

  “I made it for Mama, but she doesn’t want it. You can have it if you want, Granddad.”

  “Well now, I never turn down a good sandwich.” With a grin, he sat down and within minutes had devoured it. “That had to be the best bologna sandwich I ever ate!”

  I knew he was joking, but it made me feel a little bit better anyway.

  Friday morning, even though I knew Uncle Henry wouldn’t show up until four, I had my suitcase packed before lunch. I wanted to be ready.

  Mama got out of bed late, but left just before Uncle Henry arrived. She didn’t tell anyone where she planned to go or when she’d be back, and I was afraid she went to get drunk.

  That night I went to bed early, but I couldn’t sleep. When the phone rang in my room, I jumped. Aunt Olivia answered, and hearing everything she said, I knew I’d been right about Mama.

  “Margaret, it’s three o’clock in the morning! …. I wish you could handle your daughters. .… Yes, I’ll get Henry!” She laid the phone down and grumbled all the way to the back bedroom.

  “Henry, it’s your mother—again! Your sisters are at it—again!”

  Without another word she stormed back through my room and into the living room. I knew she’d be reading her Bible; waiting for him to get off the phone.

  Wearing nothing but boxer shorts, Uncle Henry talked to my grandmother. “Yes, Mother. …. I’ll be there within the hour. …. Yes, Mother. …. No! Tell Dad to stay away from them! …. I don’t know. I’ll decide when I get there. …. Mother! Let me go so I can get dressed. .… No, I’m not mad at you. …. I’m leaving within fifteen minutes. …. Yes, Mother. Goodbye.”

  He stood by the phone table scratching the sides of his head for a long moment before he turned to look at me. “I’m sorry, Sarah. It’s my sisters, so I have to go. Olivia will bring you to the park. I’ll meet you there.”

  I knew he had enough to deal with without me making a fuss about having to ride in the car with my aunt’s driving, so I just said, “Okay. Tell Mama I love her.”

  When he got ready to leave, Aunt Olivia started in on him. I heard him tell her, “Not now, Olivia. I have to do something I don’t want to do, and I’m not in the mood to argue. I told Sarah you’d bring her to the park. I’ll go there from the sanitarium.”

  Moments later I saw his car lights pass my window as he backed down the driveway. I didn’t sleep much after finding out he’d been taking Mama to a hospital for crazy people. I knew he was trying to help her, but why didn’t he take her to a regular hospital? And why didn’t he take the bitch, too? She also was drunk, and from what I’d heard, she started the fight—again.

  My aunt came in at seven o’clock to get me up, but I’d been awake for a while. I’d slept off and on, but not enough to feel rested. Worried about Mama, I thought back to the last time she’d come home from that place. She swore she’d never go back there again. I thought she meant she’d never drink again, and maybe she tried, but her sickness must’ve been too strong.

  Even though I didn’t feel like going, I wanted to see Uncle Henry to find out about Mama, and hoped Auntie Bitch hadn’t hurt her. Rolling out of bed, I went into the bathroom, took a bath and got ready to go.

  I didn’t pay much attention to Olivia’s cursing until I noticed we were on the road that led to my grandparent’s house. Figuring the park must be in the same direction, I didn’t think anything about it until
she turned onto their road.

  Then I knew something was wrong.

  “Aunt Olivia, why are we going here?” I asked, trying to keep the fear out of my voice.

  “You’ll find out soon enough. Sit there and be quiet!” she snapped, not taking her eyes off the road.

  Something had happened. I could feel it!

  Nearing the house, I saw Uncle Henry’s car parked past the gate, and numerous other cars parked in front of the house and on either side of the dirt road.

  The moment she stopped the car, I jumped out and ran for the house. Of course, I heard Aunt Olivia yelling at me, but I didn’t stop. Bursting through the front door, lots of people were in the living room, but I didn’t see Uncle Henry.

  I headed for the kitchen, and saw Grandmother sitting at the table, crying, but Auntie Bitch and several other women sat with her, crying. Granddad sat with his head in his hands. Then, I spotted Uncle Henry on the phone in my grandparent’s bedroom.

  I went and stood next to him, and he looked down at me with tears in his eyes… “Ouch!” I yelped. “What the hell!” Jerking my arm away, I glared at Aunt Olivia. “Why did you pinch me?”

  “Don’t use that language with me, missy! Get out of here and let your uncle take care of business.” Her alien mouth formed, and her black monster eyes glared.

  “Olivia! Leave the child alone!” he snapped.

  “She doesn’t need to be in here with you on the phone, Henry.”

  “It’s all right, I’m done.” He hung up the receiver. “Olivia, check on Mother, would you?”

  She didn’t answer, but she left the room. With a deep sigh, he sat down, and patted the side of the bed. “Sarah, sit down here by me. I need to talk to you.”

  I sat down, crossing my fingers behind my back before asking, “Is Mama okay?”

  “Sarah, I’m so sorry.” He dried his eyes. “There’s been an accident. Your Mama had ice on her shoes…she fell on the stairs.”

  “She’s gonna be okay, isn’t she?” Fear leaped into my throat.