Saving My Submission BN

by Jenna Jacob

  Raising a fist to knock, I stopped. All I had were suppositions. I lacked the pieces of the puzzle to his sudden snarky, sullen mood. Maybe if you’d tried a little harder to find out what was bothering him instead of arguing with him, you’d have the info you needed. The sub inside picked a stellar moment to raise her head. I exhaled a perturbed sigh. I owed him an apology, but dammit, he owed me one too… either that or an explanation. It wasn’t too much to ask.

  Sucking in a fortifying breath, I closed my eyes and knocked.

  “It’s open,” Joshua barked from beyond the door.

  From his tone, I surmised he hadn’t sweetened up much. I gave serious thought to walking away. My luck, he’d open the door and see me ding-dong-ditching like a six-year-old. It was bad enough feeling so ridiculously awkward, like I did back in high school; my insecurities left the same bitter residue on my tongue as they had back then.

  Gripping the handle, I turned the knob and opened the door. Joshua sat on the edge of his bed, legs spread, shoulders slumped and a glass of that nasty amber Scotch in his glass. Still naked from the waist up, he raised his head, issued a heavy sigh then glanced back at his drink.

  “I’m sorry I disturbed you. All this can wait until tomorrow,” I backpedaled, instantly regretting my decision to help him.

  “No, it can’t, Mellie. Come in and close the door, please.”

  Swallowing tightly, I did as he asked and before making my way to where he sat. Joshua put the glass down and stood. Taking in the state of my corset, a tiny smile pulled at the side of his mouth.

  “Come here.”

  I wanted to rush to his arms, feel his lean body against mine. Hear him tell me in that calm, reassuring voice that everything was going to be all right. But this wasn’t Disneyland. No amount of magic pixie dust could float our excess baggage to the heavens.

  When I slowly stepped toward him, he reached up and began to align the steel busks on the corset.

  “I’m sorry I lost control earlier,” he began. “I don’t expect you to excuse my behavior and I’m not ready to dissect it with you, yet. I need time to sort it out. But I had no right to be cruel and inconsiderate. I’m truly sorry I was such a prick to you, Mellie.”

  Every word he said came from his heart. It pained me to see him drowning in remorse.

  “Was it something I said? Something I did?”

  “No. Not directly. You were perfect… stunning. I… you gave me something I hadn’t experienced for a very long time. Your gift was precious, little one. Please don’t doubt that. I’m sorry I made you think it was you. It wasn’t… it was me. There’re things I need to…”

  “I’m the one who should be apologizing. My stupid knee-jerk reaction spoiled everything. I didn’t mean to let Mouthy-Mellie take over. I should have bitten my tongue.”

  Joshua shook his head. “No, little one. I don’t want a woman who’s afraid to speak her mind. I’m truly humbled at the submission you gave me. I’ll cherish it… always.”

  Dread rose from the pit of my stomach, expanding and thickening in my throat. His speech sounded like a preamble to ‘good-bye’.

  “But I’ve not earned the submission you graciously gave me… at least not yet. After learning about your past with Kerr, I understand why submission is so hard for you. You’ve slipped on a pair of shoes you discovered in the back of your closet. They feel funny, their fit isn’t quite yet comfortable, and won’t be… until you’ve had a chance to break them back in.”

  I nodded and wanted to smile at his analogy. Using shoes instead of car parts was…sweet of him. “I didn’t mean to upset you, or call you names…they just slipped out.”

  “You didn’t upset me. There’s no need to apologize for calling me names I earned. You didn’t bring this on, Mellie. I did.”

  “Please tell me what happened?” I sounded desperate in a pathetic, nagging sort of way, and cringed inwardly. Somewhere inside was a grown, confident woman, but at the moment, the cowardly bitch was hiding.

  Joshua shook his head then leaned in and pressed his lips to my forehead.

  “Your true nature calls for you to fix this, smooth things over and make me happy… Take care of me, my problems… my issues.” He shook his head. “But they’re not yours to fix. I have to sort my shit out on my own.”

  “I understand.” I really didn’t, but I had no idea what else to say. I issued a slight nod and a weak smile. “Well, I guess I’ll go join Sanna at the bar.”

  At least with my sister, my footing was sure and sturdy. I didn’t have to worry about falling through the cracks and landing on my ass.

  “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to. I’d like it if you stayed. I know I’ve treated you poorly and made you uncomfortable, but if you can find it in your heart, I’d like the chance to redeem myself.”

  “I’d like to, but I’m afraid that if I stay, you won’t be able to sort out the things you need to.”

  “Probably not, but the distraction would be a welcome relief from the…” He scrubbed a hand through his hair and let out a soft sigh. “Stay, Mellie.”

  He wasn’t asking me to help him sort his emotions. No, this was a cry for help. He wanted me to stay and chase away the demons so he wouldn’t spend the rest of the night re-living the past. I recognized the underlying anguish in his request. Sanna and I had shared the same unspoken language for years. We could talk for hours about surface things; it comforted and kept us from delving too deeply into grief. But every once in a while the darkness descended, and having someone beside you brought the light you desperately needed.

  “Okay,” I whispered.

  A broad smile spread over his lips and my heart did a little flip-flop in my chest. Joshua ordered a pizza and we sat on his bed, drinking soda and watching a comedic romance. The movie was about a girl who lost her memory every night, and a man determined to make her fall back in love with him every day.

  I almost envied her. What a blessing it would be to wake up each morning alone without retaining a single memory of the incredible time I spent with Joshua. Even the couple bumps in the road we’d encountered didn’t take the happiness we’d shared away. But movies weren’t real life; no, real life came with laughter, love, and whole lot of heartbreak. Joshua would leave my heart deeply scored, it was inevitable, but I wasn’t going to dwell on the end… I wanted to enjoy what time we had left.

  After the pizza had been devoured and the movie ended, Joshua turned to me. A hint of apprehension marred his expression. “Can we try this again, little one?”

  “Try what?”

  “The shower?”

  I smiled and nodded. “I’d like that. Yes.”

  He stood and held out his hand. That familiar calm, reassurance emanated from him, and I knew the tormented Joshua had retreated.

  The bathroom filled with steam as he shucked off his pants. Standing behind me, he loosened the ties of the corset as he trailed endearing kisses over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and lolled my head to the side. Reaching back, I cupped his nape, drifting away on wings of delight. Once inside the small enclosure, he pulled me beneath the spray and pressed his lips to mine. It was the start of his slow, languid seduction.

  Sliding his soap-slick hands over my entire body, he cupped my cheeks. In his eyes I saw regret and shame. “I never want to hurt you again, little one.”

  I reached up and pressed my finger against his lips. “Let’s not make promises we can’t keep. We need to stay in the here and now.”

  “Don’t fool yourself, little one. We both know… it’ll never be enough,” he whispered, then kissed me.

  I met his passion with a burst of my own. Joshua pressed inside me with tender indulgence. Never before had a more heart-melting or benevolent lover carried me away. The tempo of his gliding cock never altered, the intensity of his kiss never lessened, and beneath the compelling rhythm of his thrusts, and fiery stroke of his tongue, I shattered. There was no Dominance—no submission, only the muffled cries of a woman
and man, lost in splendor.

  Joshua’s body tensed as he followed me over on a groan. Held tight in his arms, I let the spray fall on my face. We’d never have forever. But this was one moment I’d never forget. I hoped that as time passed, and his taste faded from my lips, that he’d remember this solitary moment of perfection, too.

  A long time passed before Joshua raised his head and inched back. “Mellie, we didn’t use…”

  “I know. I’m clean, and I’m on the pill.”

  He nodded soberly. “I’ve never forgotten to glove up before.”

  “I’m glad you did. Feeling your release… it was… beautiful,” I shyly confessed.

  A wicked smile curved his lips. “Beautiful can’t even come close to describing the way you felt. I might have to forget to use them again… and again… and…”

  “Hold up, there. I might have to rest a bit in between. I’m not as young as I used to be,” I teased.

  “That’s my line, girl,” he laughed, then kissed me again.

  Joshua turned off the water. Drying me first and then himself, he led me back to bed. Just as he reached up to turn off the light, a light knock came from his door. With a curse, he climbed back out of bed, slipped his sweat pants back on and opened it.

  James bit back a grin as he spied me in Joshua’s bed. “I need to talk to you for a minute,” James said as he nodded toward the hall.

  “I’ll be right back,” Joshua promised before stepping out and closing the door.

  After twenty minutes I realized Joshua’s perception of ‘be right back’ and mine were on different time zones. The longer I waited, the more curious I became. Climbing from the bed, I rifled through his closet and found a black silk robe. Cinching the belt around my waist, I tiptoed to the door and pressed my ear against the wood. Nothing but silence greeted me.

  Turning the knob, I peeked around the door, glancing up and down the long corridor. Joshua was nowhere in sight; in fact, the club was empty from what I could tell. There were no sounds of smacking flesh echoing from the dungeon. Even the lights were dimmed, as if the place had closed up, hours ago.

  Suddenly the sound of heavy footsteps echoed from an open archway to my right, followed by deep male voices. I held my breath, straining to hear their conversation.

  “Do you think she’s telling the truth?”

  The voice sounded like James, but I wasn’t certain.

  “No,” Joshua replied emphatically. His tone teemed with disgust. “I don’t believe a word that bitch says anymore, and neither should Mika.”

  “Wait at the bar. I’ll go back upstairs and help him keep an eye on her until the unit arrives. You’ll need to file a vandalism report.”

  By then I knew James was the man talking to Joshua.

  “No problem. I’m going to check on Mellie first.”

  Their voices grew louder. I knew that any second they’d round the corner and catch me eavesdropping. Closing the door quietly, I scurried back across the room, tossed the robe into the closet and jumped back into bed. As the key jingled in the lock I yanked the covers around me and sat up as Joshua walked in the door.

  “Is everything all right?”

  “No, unfortunately not. Someone slashed my tires.”

  “Slashed your…Oh my god, who would do such a thing?”

  “Ah,” he hesitated and scrubbed a hand through his hair. “My former sub is upstairs in Mika’s office as we speak.”

  “She slashed your tires?”

  “Well, she claims she didn’t, but I parked so far back in the lot, my car was out of camera range so there’s no video proof. James just happened to be taking out the trash and saw a figure by my car. He went to investigate and hauled her upstairs. She claims she didn’t even notice the tires were flat. But she was the only one around.”

  “What was she doing waiting by your car?”

  “She said she was waiting for me to come out so we could talk again.”

  “She was the blonde at the wedding today, right?”

  “Yeah,” he replied on a heavy sigh.

  I wanted to ask him if she was coming around to see if he’d take her back. But I didn’t ask, I wanted him to volunteer the reason… to share a part of him with me. He didn’t and it chafed.

  “Do you believe her?”

  “No.” There was a distant harshness in his reply that told me he’d been burned far deeper by the woman, than Sanna had revealed.

  “So now what happens, with her, I mean?”

  “The cops are on their way. They’ll question her. I’ll fill out a report and call my insurance company in the morning.”

  “Is there anything I can do?”

  “No. I need to wait for the police in the bar.”

  “I’ll wait with you, if you’d like.”

  “I’d rather you didn’t. I don’t want to risk her seeing us together. It’s not safe for you.”

  His desire to shield me from the girl frightened me a little. “Is she an axe murderer or something?”

  Joshua smiled for the first time since he’d entered the room. “I don’t think so. But she’s territorial, to an unstable degree. She thought for a time that I was playing around with Leagh. That’s what ultimately led to me releasing her.”

  “I see. Okay, well… I can catch a cab back to Sanna’s place if you’d like,” I announced tossing off the covers.

  “What I’d like is to wake up with you in my arms, Mellie,” he whispered softly as he eased down on the edge of the bed and tucked the sheets back around me. “I’ll be back as quickly as I can.”

  “I’ll be here.” I smiled.

  He bent and placed a quick, chaste kiss on my lips. “Get some sleep. I’ll try not to wake you when I get back.”

  As he left, he turned off the lights. Tugging at the blanket, I snuggled up with his pillow. The clock on the nightstand bathed the room in an eerie blue glow. Breathing in his rugged scent lingering on the pillow, I drifted off to sleep.

  I didn’t hear him come back to bed, but when I woke the next morning he was laying on his side facing me, snoring softly. Even though the cloudy fog of slumber enveloped my brain, he looked beautiful. Rumpled sandy blonde hair dusted his forehead and I stared at the tiny lines around his eyes as I’d done before. Drinking in the golden scruff adorning his face and the fullness of his erotic lips, I longed to reach out and trace my fingertips over every inch of his face. Instead, I closed my eyes and branded his peaceful image to memory.

  Glancing at the clock, I saw it was almost noon. My stomach rumbled, and I was dying for a steaming cup of coffee, but I nuzzled in against him and exhaled a blissful sigh. The enchantment was severed by the sound of my cell phone. Joshua woke with a start. Bolting upright in bed at the unfamiliar sound, he scrubbed a hand over his face as I scurried off to retrieve my phone.

  “Hello?”

  “Mellie? Hayes here. I’m sorry if I’m disturbing you. I know you’re out of town. I got your automated e-mail message.” Hayes Brockman, a rich oil tycoon with more money than sense, prattled on in my ear. He and his wife Dixie had sold their home in Corpus Christie years ago and bought a castle in northern England. Every six months or so, Dixie would grow tired of the décor and Hayes would call to hire me for another one of her never-ending projects.

  “It’s good to hear your voice. How are you and Dixie doing?”

  “Not too good, actually. She’s got a bee in her bonnet and wants the dining hall gussied up again. Problem is, we’ve got Lord and Lady Galbraith of Northshire scheduled for some pomp and circumstance shin-dig in three weeks.”

  “Three weeks?” I choked.

  Joshua frowned as he watched and listened.

  “Yeah, yeah. I know. I tried telling Dixie that you wouldn’t have time, but dag-nabbit, she put on the saddest puppy dogs eyes, I couldn’t take it. Besides, you know how she gets once she sets her mind on something. So I promised her I’d call and see if there’s a way you can move heaven and earth and work your magic to get us
fixed up in time.”

  Casting a wary glance back at Joshua, he sat on the edge of the bed, naked. His expression looked bleak; his eyes almost vacant. My heart clutched.

  No. No. Not yet. My head screamed as a wave of despair reached up from my gut and squeezed my heart. I closed my eyes and sucked in a deep breath.

  “Of course. I’ll catch a flight tomorrow. I’ll call you from New York with my arrival information.”

  Hayes let out one of his infamous hog calls, and thanked me profusely. When I hung up, I swallowed the lump of grief clogging my throat. Forcing a weak smile I walked to the bed, straddled his legs and crawled onto Joshua’s lap.

  “Duty calls,” I murmured softly. “I have to leave for London in the morning.”

  Sliding my arms over his shoulders, I nuzzled his chest. He banded me in a desperate grip, and I fought to hold back my tears.

  “I’m sorry,” I choked.

  “Shhh,” Joshua soothed. “Just let me hold you, little one.”

  The grief resonating in his tone was more than I could bear. Enveloped in his sheltering arms, I mourned the days and nights we wouldn’t get to share… the bittersweet taste of submission that would be gone, and the pain of severing our compelling connection so damn soon.

  “It’s only three weeks, right?”

  I nodded gloomily.

  “Then go do what you need to and come back to me when you’re done.”

  Before I could open my mouth, Joshua tipped my chin, cupped my cheeks and pressed his lips to mine. His kiss held more than passion… much, much more. There was adoration, devotion, and promise on his tongue as he rolled me beneath him.

  Just as he’d done in the shower, Joshua set a leisurely pace, trailing kisses down my throat, over my chest and lower still, to my breasts. He laved, sucked, and scraped his teeth over my needy nipples, and I cried out.

  Repositioning his body, Joshua straddled my chest. Gripping my hair in a firm but subdued hold, he coaxed my mouth to his shaft. Guiding my mane with his fist, he dictated the tempo and depth of each slick caress. His body tensed and relaxed as I worshiped his cock, and all the while he murmured praise and encouragement. Working my lips up and down his shaft as he allowed, I basked in the submissive glory he granted.