Till Death Us Do Part

by V, Krissy

  "I know he does Tasha, I know" she takes my hand and starts rubbing it.

  "You can stop that" I say pulling my hand away "if you're going to sleep with me, stop rubbing me" we both crack up laughing "anyway bitch it's your turn, what is going on with you and Luca?"

  She rolls onto her back and smiles "Oh my god Tasha he is just so wonderful, he cares so much about you and Felix, he is prepared to give up his apartment to stay with Felix to help him get better, even though he is disgusted with him for what he did to you. Luca is upset that he couldn't help you as he knew something was going on, I told him that he wasn't to know and not to blame himself." She's still looking at the ceiling.

  "Yeah I know he is amazing" I say "but that's not what I mean Kammie, come on spill the goss, I want to really know what's going on"

  She laughs "Well obviously I've slept with him and I have to say he is the best I have ever had. If I could only have sex with just one person for the rest of my life it would most definitely be him. I've never said that about anyone before. That frightens me a lot Tasha, I'm never serious about anyone, my love life has always been "shag them and leave them" you know that. With Luca, I want it to be different, I think he does too from what he's said, but the timing isn't great for either of us. He wants to be there for Felix and I want to be here for you Tasha. That's what best friends do"

  "You don't have to put your love life on hold again, just because mine is a mess Kammie, honestly, I don't want you to do that."

  "I know that Tasha, but we both agreed that we would do this for you guys so that is what we are doing. I'll still talk to him every day, I'm sure he will be ringing to see how you are anyway. We agreed that if we were still willing to give it a go in a few months time when things have quietened down then we would give it a go" she smiles and I can see she really wants that to happen. I'll talk to Luca and see how I can move things along, she deserves to be happy and so does he, they are both selfless and wonderful people.

  "I'm sure your budding relationship will be much better because of this time apart, then anything that happens isn't just raw hot sex" I can't help but laugh and luckily she laughs too. "I need to sleep these tablets are starting to kick in I can feel myself slurring."

  "Ok Tasha, night night and don't let the bed bugs bite" she says giving me a kiss on the cheek.

  "I won't hun and thanks for everything" I kiss her on the cheek as well.

  "Oh and Tasha, remember I'm here in the night if you are scared or need me" I barely hear her as I drift off to sleep.

  Chapter 28

  FOR SOME REASON I have a bad dream, I relive the last night Felix and me were together, it feels like I'm choking and Felix is laughing at me, watching me slowly slide to the floor. He wants me dead, he doesn't want to have the burden of having a wife anymore, these are the words I hear come from his mouth.

  Did this happen or is my imagination running wild? I start throwing my arms around and try to scream, I can feel my air running out.

  I can feel the panic rising, I know I need to breathe deeply and slowly, but I just can't do it, I can't get enough air.

  The next thing I know, someone is slapping me across the face trying to wake me up. "Tasha, Tasha it's me Kammie, come on wake up, wake up you're scaring me."

  I open my eyes and see her in front of me and I start to breathe normally again, I grab hold of her and drag her down to me and I start to cry. "Kammie I don't know if I was dreaming or reliving it, he said he wanted me to die, that I was a burden to him, tell me it was a dream and he didn't really say that to me, please!"

  She sits me up and rocks me back and forth like I'm a child, its comforting, I can feel the hysteria subsiding.

  "Tasha, of course he didn't say anything like that. You know he loves you, he just didn't want to share you with anyone else. Come on please you have to believe that" she hugs me tight and then I start to calm down.

  "Sorry Kammie, sorry did I frighten you?" I ask her.

  She laughs "No don't worry about it, I thought you were going to punch me though, your arms were going mad"

  "It's just … I was reliving the last night with Felix and I remember the feeling of not being able to breathe and I remember throwing my arms out all over the place and then I passed out. It was really scary Kammie, I thought I was going to die" I can feel myself shaking just thinking about it.

  "I know Tasha, I know, it will take a while before the nightmares go, but we are here to help you through them ok" she hugs me tight. "Now go back to sleep its only 4 o'clock in the morning"

  I laugh and lay back down and roll onto my side and close my eyes.

  When I open them again, the sun is streaming through the window, I look at the clock, it is 10 o'clock in the morning. Wow I slept in. I slowly stretch and get out of bed and walk down the stairs. I see Mum, Dad and Kammie sitting on the couch watching the TV "Make yourself at home Kammie, why don't you" I laugh.

  "Just like always" she replies. Mum and Dad laugh as well. It's good to hear laughter after a day like yesterday.

  We don't have anything we have to do today, so we just sit there and watch old movies like Grease, Ghost and Coyote Ugly. It was a good day. Its 3pm before I remember that I should have replied back about the Administration Manager's job. I go to the laptop and reply to their email and say that I would be delighted to take their position and that I will need to give a month's notice. I receive a reply back within 15 minutes to say they are delighted and giving me a start date of 4 weeks time. I'm so excited. It gives me something to smile about, something to think about that isn't Felix, something that is a challenge to me.

  My phone beeps within 5 minutes and I know without looking that it's Caleb.

  "How's my newest employee? I'm absolutely delighted that you've taken the job Tasha, but I will find it hard to call you Natasha lol"

  "Thanks and I will find it hard to call you Mr. Hunt lol"

  "Touche! I can't wait for you to start, there are some projects coming up that you will really be able to get your teeth stuck into, I know you're just the right person for the job"

  "Thanks Caleb oops sorry Mr. Hunt!"

  "Ha ha very funny. How did you sleep last night? I woke up during the night thinking about you, about 4 o'clock, were you ok?"

  "Strange, I woke up at 4 o'clock because I couldn't breathe I was reliving the last night with Felix and I started having a panic attack"

  "I knew there was something wrong, I could just tell. How are you now Tasha?"

  "I'm good, I've had a relaxing day and I've laughed more today than I have in a while."

  "That's great. When can I get to see you? I'd really like that coffee and I don't really think I can wait 4 weeks."

  "I'm not sure what my plans are for the rest of the week, but I'm sure I'll be able to see you for coffee, maybe on Friday after my hospital appointment"

  "That would be good, let me know a time and I'll make sure I'm free. Are you in pain?"

  "Yeah a little, I still have the neck brace on so it stops me moving a lot, I can't drive, do any exercise or anything, but it's not too bad. I'm still taking pain killers and sleeping tablets. I'm going back to work next week, I hope, so that I can finish off my projects and get ready to start my new job"

  "I can tell you're excited about it, I heard your new boss is a tyrant to work for!"

  "Yeah I heard that too, I hope to bring him round though with my talent and hard work"

  "I'm sure you will be able to do that Tasha, I'm certain you can"

  "Ha ha we'll see. I'm going for my dinner now Caleb, I'll talk to you soon and see you Friday for coffee ;-) "

  "I can't wait, make it earlier this week if you can xx"

  "Impatient x"

  "You better believe it Tasha xx"

  Mum has dinner ready and as usual it's amazing, I hope that I can cook like her one day, I'm not a bad cook, but she is fantastic all the time, she can pull anything out of the cupboard and turn it into a meal fit for a king.

  Aft
er dinner, we all sit and play cards around the dining table, it feels like Christmas, I feel loved by these people and I feel at home!

  Kammie has to go home tomorrow, I've really enjoyed her being here, I didn't realise how much I missed her. I didn't get to see her often because Felix always wanted to be with me, I realise now that happened a lot. He would always arrange dinners or outings on days that I had arranged to go out with Kammie, at the time I thought he was being spontaneous and romantic. How did I become so naïve?

  I can hear her talking on her phone, to Luca I'm guessing. She's not saying much, more like listening. I'll ask her for news on Felix when we go upstairs. She finishes and then it's time for bed, we say night to Mum and Dad and then go upstairs.

  "I'm sad you have to go home tomorrow Kammie, I didn't realise how much I missed you. Why didn't you push me harder to see you?"

  "You had just got married. I was giving you the space you needed" she says getting ready for bed.

  "I'm sorry, Felix was manipulating my time so that I was with him all the time. I realise that now, at the time I thought he was just showing me how much he loved me"

  "Don't be sorry Tasha, it's fine. You're here now and I promise I won't let you drift away again" she laughs.

  "Thanks Kammie you're the best. Now tell me, is there any news on Felix? I thought I heard you talking to Luca" I climb into bed and she gets in beside me.

  "Yes I was. He was saying that Felix wasn't doing great, he had some counselling because of what he had done to you but also because he tried to kill himself afterwards. He told the counsellor that life wasn't worth living without you and they've moved him to a psychiatric unit for further treatment, but he's under 24 hour suicide watch at the moment."

  I gasp, I'm shocked. I don't know what to say, Felix is a really strong person and this person they're talking about can't be my Felix. How can the man, who is being watched 24 hours a day so that he doesn't kill himself, be the same man that attacked me only last week? It doesn't make sense, nothing makes sense anymore. "Kammie what's going to happen to him?"

  "Luca isn't sure, but he's really worried about him. He's going back into the hospital tomorrow to speak to the doctor about continuing his care at home and what the next stages are. Barbara, Felix's mum is meeting him there, obviously she wants to look after him, but Luca doesn't think Felix would like that because he has always been so independent and it would be like he was regressing or something." She stops talking for a couple of minutes, to let it sink in how sick Felix really is.

  "Have you spoken to his Mum Tasha? I think you should you know, she needs to know what really happened. She's confused and is worried that you won't talk to them anymore and I think she is worried that you will press charges" Kammie says rolling onto her side to look at me. I can feel her eyes on me, I didn't realise I had my eyes closed and I was thinking about his Mum. I open them and look at Kammie "Poor Barbara, I hadn't thought about her and how this would affect her, I'll have to talk to her, but I don't think I'm ready yet."

  "That is understandable Tasha, I'm here for you when you are ready to talk to her. OK?"

  "Thanks Kammie, I can't begin to explain how much I love you and thank you so much for being here for me" I can feel tears welling up in my eyes.

  "Where else would I be bitch!" she laughs. We lay there in silence for a few minutes.

  "You know Kammie, it should be me looking after Felix and dealing with all the issues that are going on at the moment, not Luca" I say shaking my head.

  "Luca wants to be there for him and he also wants to make sure you're not hurt anymore. Luca couldn't cope with that, not again. He feels really badly that he didn't intervene the first time, none of this might have happened Tasha. I keep telling him that he shouldn't think like that, he did what he could, but he won't listen to me"

  "Poor Luca, I'll talk to him Kammie, it's not his fault, he did what he could, he did what I asked." I don't like Luca blaming himself, I will definitely have to talk to him. I can feel the sleeping tablets start to take effect and I tell Kammie I love her and roll over to go to sleep, hoping that I don't have any nightmares tonight.

  Chapter 29

  I WAKE UP AND smile because I realise it was a dream free night, thank god. Kammie is fast asleep so I sneak out of bed and go downstairs, it's quiet down here too, so I turn on the coffee maker and start making my first cup of the day. When it's ready I take it into the sun room, grabbing a blanket on the way to curl up on the bamboo couch. I wrap the blanket around me and stare out of the window. I used to always do this on a Sunday morning before Mum and Dad got up, it was my thinking space, my precious time to think. I think about my life and how it has changed this year alone. I start to think about life before I married Felix, how wonderful it was and I try to think when he changed, why he changed, Felix was an amazing, doting boyfriend. How and why did he become this animal who swears he loves me, but in the same breath wants to hurt me?

  We were quite an insular couple, we didn't need other people around us, we did everything together, because we wanted to be together all the time. Felix consumed me, I didn't do anything without agreeing it with him. When I think about it now, maybe it was too much, maybe I allowed him to have control over me and my life.

  Is it my fault that he did these things to me? I'm not sure that it's not! I let him make my decisions, I let him do everything for me, I did everything for him, as he asked, when he asked. That still doesn't mean that he should all of a sudden start to get jealous, I was never anywhere without him, nothing was ever going to happen.

  I start to feel angry, which is something I've not felt till to now, I felt sorry for Felix, I felt pity for him, but now I'm feeling angry. I put my cup down and open the back door and walk outside, I carefully close the door and then walk to the very back of the garden.

  I find the treehouse that Dad made me when I was small and I go up to it and climb in. I have to stick my feet out of the door, because I don't really fit into it anymore. I take my mind back over the last month and I can feel myself getting angrier and angrier, I start screaming loudly to try and get rid of all this tension that I'm feeling.

  I scream at Felix, I shout out everything I'd love to say to his face and know that I never will. I tell him that he's ruined me, he's made me afraid. I tell him that I trusted him with my life and he nearly took it away from me, I gave him the most precious thing anyone could ever give and he didn't look after it. I gave him my heart!

  I get out of the treehouse and I stand against the wall screaming at the top of my voice.

  I fall to my knees and just scream, scream, scream. I can hear sobbing and I know it's me! I feel like I can't breathe and my throat hurts from all my screaming, but I can't stop.

  I keep screaming until I feel something touch my shoulder, I turn and see my Dad, he has tears running down his face "Baby girl stop, please stop, I hate to see you like this, come here" he holds his hand out to help pull me up off the ground, I take it and he pulls me into his arms and gives me one of his bear hugs "I love you baby girl, I'll look after you, come on stop crying. You've been doing so well baby." He keeps hold of me for what seems like an hour, until I stop crying.

  When I stop, he takes my hand and leads me over to the bench in the garden and he makes me sit down. He sits next to me and holds my hand.

  "I know you are hurting right now, I know that it has only just started to sink in Tasha and talking about it will help. I'm very angry at Felix but I'm also angry at myself as well, because I let him into your life and agreed for him to marry you. I feel like it is my fault because I wasn't there for you, because you didn't feel that you could come and talk to your Mum or me about the problems that you were having with Felix. I guess what I'm trying to say is that every one of us: me, Mum, Kammie and Luca, we all feel guilty that you had to go through all of this on your own. I love you. They all love you. We will help you through this."

  He stands up and holds out his hand again "Do you want to come in to the
people who love you or are you going to stay out here on your own in the cold?" he smiles, because he knows I won't stay outside without him.

  I smile at him and take his hand "Come on then before the neighbours call the police here because they think someone is getting murdered"

  When I walk in the house both Mum and Kammie are standing there with fear in their eyes and tears on their faces. I walk up to Mum and hug her "I'm sorry Mum, I was just thinking of how I ended up in this position and then I got angry so I went outside to scream and let it all out. I'm sorry if I frightened you, that wasn't my intention"

  "I know baby girl, I was worried about you and then I was scared to go outside, I didn't know what I would see. You'll be alright, we are here to help you get through this, just don't stop talking to us ok, just talk." She stands back and looks me in the eyes when she says it.

  I smile at her and then look passed her shoulder to see Kammie crying and smiling at the same time. I walk over to her and just hug her tightly "Sorry bitch, I was having a bad morning" she laughs and I feel like everything is alright again.

  Mum makes breakfast and we sit at the table and I tell them what happened, what I had been thinking about and what I did. I feel a bit better for having broken down like that, I think I needed to get some things off my chest and I know that I wouldn't say them directly to Felix. So this was the next best thing!

  After we are dressed, Dad offers to take Kammie home, I still can't drive with the neck brace on, so she packs her overnight bag and he drives her home. I go with them and I'm surprised to see Luca there when we arrive. I guess she must have text him to tell him she was going home. He comes over and give me a big hug "I heard about this morning Tasha, you're so strong and I'm sorry for not being able to help you before"

  I stand back to look at him "Luca it's not your fault, please don't blame yourself. Remember, I asked you not to say anything, I didn't want your friendship with Felix to suffer as a result of what was going on at home. You have always been there for both of us and I had made the decision to talk to Kammie about it the next time I saw her, but fate intervened and I never got the chance. That is not your fault, it is my fault for not realising how bad the situation was, for not realising that Felix needed help. Luca I love you and I know you would have done anything to stop this from happening."