Because of You

by Maria E. Monteiro

  I begin to fiddle with my lock not acknowledging him. He places his hand on my shoulder and turns me around. “Can we talk?” he asks with a lost look in his eyes.

  I nod afraid to speak.

  “Are you mad at me?” He grabs my hand and intertwines his fingers with mine. My heart actually hurts as it begins to crack.

  I don’t answer him.

  “I don’t get it. Did I do something wrong?”

  “No. I did,” my voice cracks.

  “What?”

  I shake my head squeezing my eyes trying to stop my damn tears. I can’t cry right now. I have to be strong.

  “Whatever it is just tell me.”

  I look up at his eyes, which are filled with love. I take another deep breath in and say, “I cheated on you.”

  His eyes open wide as his finger slip out of my hand. “What? What did you just say?”

  “I cheated on you.”

  “You cheated on me?” he utters.

  This is so hard. My throat becomes hard as I try to force the word out. “Yes.”

  He shakes his head while the love in his eyes begin to vanish and quickly gets replaced by anger. “I don’t believe you. Why? With who?” He raises his voice making everyone around us aware of our end.

  “It doesn’t matter.” I try my best not to look at him.

  “Yes it does. Who the hell did you cheat on me with?”

  “Garret,” I whisper.

  “What? Your ex? But why?”

  “I think I still have feelings for him.” More people begin to gather around us. I wish we could have done this somewhere else.

  “Damn it Jade! How can you do this to me?” Why did you tell me you love me if you still had feelings for him?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You don’t know! Did you sleep with him?”

  I glance down at my feet not knowing what to say. Does cheating mean I slept with Garret? I have no idea.

  Austin slams his fist against my locker making me jump out of my skin. Oh no, my not answering makes him think I did. Maybe it’s for the best. “Congratulations now I’m the one that hates you. I never want to see you again!”

  He turns around to walk a way but stops short when he spots Garret staring at us. Garrett has a sly smile on his face, which immediately makes me regret asking him for help. “You think this is fucking funny?” He charges towards him and pushes him onto the floor. “You are as disgusting as her. She’s your fucking problem now.”

  It’s taking everything I have to keep myself up and not come crashing down to ground. Everyone around me looks at me with disgust in their eyes. They all begin to whisper to each other and I even hear a couple of girls call me a slut.

  “Are you okay?” Garret says approaching me with Logan by his side.

  “Not really. I’m sorry about him pushing you. I didn’t know he would do that.”

  “It’s cool. I thought he was going to knock me out.” Garret says looking relieved.

  “Yeah me too.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Logan asks enclosing his arms around me.

  I shake my head trying all I can not to cry hysterically.

  “Why doesn’t this surprise me,” Cara states stepping up to us. “You know what Garret you’re a real asshole. Austin was right when he said you two are disgusting.” She walks off before either one of us can say anything.

  “I thought you said you two were over?” I ask, pulling away from Logan.

  “We are. We have been for a long time, but just like I wanted you back, she wants me back.” He grabs my hand and cocks his head to the side with his grey eyes says. “I just want you to be happy now.”

  Happiness for me no longer exists. Without Austin in my world has just become dark. “Thank you. The only thing that’s gonna make me happy is Austin going to the right school.”

  “Jade! I just heard,” Farrah shouts running towards me. “Are you okay?”

  I shake my head. I really need to get out of here. I need to be in my room where I’ll be safe to release my tears. “I just wanna go home.”

  “Okay. I’ll drive you home,” Farrah says taking my arm into hers.

  “I’ll walk you guys to the car,” Logan says taking my other arm.

  Each step I take hurts as my body becomes so weak. It doesn’t help that everyone is looking at me like the villain who just murdered the hero.

  Farrah drives me home as fast as she can. She knows I need my space right now. My heart pounds like a jackhammer while she turns down my street. I’m so scared to see him. It goes back to its regular rhythm when I notice his car is not there. I hope wherever he is he’s okay, and hates me so much he’s rethinking his future.

  I run upstairs and dive head first into my bed. My tears stream down my face. And just as if my life was coming to an end I begin to relive every moment I shared with Austin.

  I will never get to hold his hand again. I will never get to see his dimples appear as he gives me that special smile that’s only for me. I will never get to feel his heartbeat while he holds me in his arms. I will never get to touch his lips again. Every time I think about each thing I will never get to do with him again another piece of my heart breaks off.

  “Jade?” My mother opens my bedroom door. I don’t respond or move an inch. “Honey, are you okay?”

  I shake my head as I turn to face her. She rushes to my side when she see’s my tears. “What happened?”

  “I did it,”

  “Did what?” She sits next to me and wipes my hair off my face.

  “I broke up with Austin. I didn’t want to, but I had to,” my voice breaks.

  “Oh honey.” She drapes her arm around my shoulder and tucks me in close to her body. “I’m so sorry you had to do that.”

  “I wish none of it happen. I wish we were still together.”

  “I know. But you have to know you did the right thing. I promise you things will get better.”

  I begin to cry harder in her arms. I hate that she’s right. I hate this whole thing.

  A motor hums outside making my heart slam against my chest. Without even looking I know that’s him. I rush to my window just in time to see him walk out of his car and slam his door.

  He marches straight into his house without even looking towards my house. I slide down my wall allowing the pain to take over. “I can’t do this.”

  My mother rushes to me and once again holds me in her arms. “Maybe you can try talking to him again. If he loves you as much as you love him he’s going to try to get you back...”

  “No he’s not.”

  “Oh honey, I know you think it’s all over, but knowing Austin that boy is not just going to give up just because you dumped him. I’m sure he’ll be over here any minute...”

  “No. He won’t. I didn’t just dump him. I had him believe I cheated on him.”

  “What? But why?”

  “Because I need him to hate me. I need him to want to be far away from me. The same way you felt when dad did it to you,” I try saying between sobs.

  “Oh baby.” She holds me tighter knowing Austin will never want anything to do with me again.

  My mom lets me stay home from school the next two days, but she insist I have to go back on Thursday. As soon as I enter the building I realize I’m the hot topic of conversation. I’m the bitch who destroyed Austade.

  Austade is dead and some people are very happy about it. One of them being Leah. Every time I see her she has a brilliant smile on her face. I want to punch her in the face, but instead I pretend she doesn’t affect me.

  I stay far away from Austin, or maybe he’s the one who’s staying away from me. Farrah heard he’s pissed off for wasting his time with me. It kills me inside that he thinks I was a waste of time. It’s weird how I was the one who once upon a time hated him and now he’s the one who hates me.

  At home I’ve put my shade down and do everything I can not to look out my window. I hate that I know the sound of his car.
/>   By the time Prom day arrives I’m just a shell trying to survive. I didn’t really cheat on Austin yet I can’t help feeling dirty inside. It’s almost as bad as being a criminal.

  My mother lets me go spend the weekend at my dad’s so I don’t have to see Austin head to the prom I was supposed to accompany him to. My mother also did me the favor of returning my prom dress so I won’t have to look at it.

  Farrah has been an amazing friend. She decided not to go to the prom without me. She said she couldn’t have fun knowing I was home miserable. I feel so bad she canceled. And I think that guilt is reason I let her talk me into going to the Screw the Prom Party.

  This party happens every year. It’s basically all the underclassmen and the seniors, who are not going to the prom. get together for their own party. It’s been happening since my mother was in high school. This year it’s at Logan’s house so I pretty much have to go.

  “I have something to tell you, you might not like,” Farrah says pulling away from my father’s house.

  “What?” Please don’t let it have anything to do with Austin.

  “The party’s no longer at Logan’s house. His mom panicked after she realized how many people were going to be over.”

  “So no party.” I can’t believe how happy this news is making me.

  “No. I mean there’s still a party. It’s at Holly’s house.”

  “Not Holly, Leah’s sister?”

  “Yeah,” Farrah say furrowing her eyebrows waiting for my blow up.

  “I’m not going to Leah’s house. There’s no way.”

  “Come on Jade. Logan is already over there with Jesse and Summer. Besides Leah already left for the prom. And they have their own after party at Derek’s house.”

  “Which is only a couple of house down the street from Leah’s. Please don’t make me go there.” This can’t be happening. I can’t be in that house.

  “Fine, but lets just go for ten minutes. Please. I told Logan and Jesse we would meet them there. Then we could go anywhere you want. Please.”

  “Fine. But just ten minutes.” Why do I feel like this is going to be a big mistake?

  33

  Dealing With a Broken Heart

  Leah’s house is just as big as Derek’s house. When I was a cheerleader I was over here all the time. Now I feel like a stranger walking in. The house is already packed with people. The difference between this party and Derek’s famous parties is the lack of seniors and alcohol.

  Everyone gives me dirty looks as we saunter around looking for Logan and Jesse. Why can’t they get over it already? This is my life and I’m allowed to do what I want with it. So they all think I spelt with Garret. It’s my business. I just wish I didn’t feel so guilty about it.

  “I’m gonna go check outside. Wait for me here,” Farrah yells over the loud music.

  I nod. Wishing she would have just let me wait in the car.

  “I’m glad you came,” Garret says appearing out nowhere with a drink for me.

  “Thanks. But I’m leaving as soon as Farrah finds Logan and Jesse.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t wanna be here.”

  “If it’s because of Austin, don’t worry he’s not coming.”

  “I know. I’m just not in the mood to be judged by these people.”

  “Fuck these people.” I can smell the alcohol coming off his breath. I take a whiff of my drink and realize mine is full of alcohol too. “They’re judging me too and I don’t give a fuck.”

  “This is all my fault. I’m sorry I got you involved.”

  “Don’t be. I would do it all over again for you.”

  I grin taking a sip of my drink and realize it’s rum and coke. “How did you...”

  He puts his finger to his lips. “Ssshhhh. Holly has it hidden outside.

  This might be just what I need to forget for a while. I guzzle up my drink up. “Do they have more?”

  “Yeah. I’ll be right back.” I take Garret’s blue plastic cup and begin to drink his too while I watch him disappear into the crowed dance floor.

  I let the rum and coke swim through my veins. “I found Logan, but he’s busy talking to Becky, while keeping an eye on Jesse who’s standing way to close to Summer. They are all too funny,” Farrah says joining me again.

  “Leave them alone. They deserve to be happy.”

  “What are you drinking?” Farrah asks cocking her head to the side while raising her eyebrows.

  “Nothing.”

  “Yeah right, well since I’m the one that’s driving I say drink away my friend.”

  “I will.” I smile as I take another big sip.

  “Does this mean we can stay for awhile?”

  “Why not?”

  Farrah jumps up and down blissfully. She grabs my hand and leads me to the middle of the living room where we begin to dance to Drake’s latest single. The alcohol is making everything feel better.

  After my fourth drink I don’t care about anyone judging me. All I want to do is dance and be free. This is exactly what I needed.

  Five drinks later I can’t feel anything but the music. I grab my leg and lean back, before I know it my foot slips and I fall back on the hardwood floor. Everyone around us begins to laugh at me. I lay all the way back and begin to laugh with them. I can’t believe I feel. This is too funny.

  “I think you’ve had enough,” Logan says throwing me over his shoulder. Wow I never knew he was this strong.

  “Wee!” I lift my head up and yell “Goodnight losers, I loooovvvveee yoooouuu!” I love them all. I really do. I don’t care if they hate me. I love them. Well maybe not the guy that’s wearing the green shirt or was it yellow. Damn this alcohol is messing with my head. I can’t remember anyone’s face right now.

  Logan puts me down on a lawn chair by the pool. I think I want to swim. I try to get up but fall right back down. Maybe I’ll take a nap first.

  “We have to sober you up before I can take you home,” Farrah says bringing her face way to close to mine.

  “Boooo. I don’t wanna go home,” I slur. I think I can feel the earth moving. Actually I know I can feel the earth move.

  “I’ll get her some bread,” I hear Logan say but I can’t see him. Oh no! What if I lost my vision? No, I still see the stars in the black sky. I’m good to go.

  “How about some coffee? They always do that in the movies,” Summer sweetly says sitting next to me.

  “Will you guys let me be! I’m fine,” I announce trying to get up, but I fall right back down again onto the lawn chair.

  “How much did you give her to drink?” Logan asks Garret. Why is he so mad?

  “I only gave her two drinks. She got the other drinks from other people.”

  “I’m fine.” Once again I try to get up and this time I’m able to take a couple of steps before I trip over my own two feet. My body floats down to the ground, but I never feel any pain because Logan catches me just in time. He’s my hero. He sits me on a lawn chair while they give me water and bread.

  “Call Austin, he knows what I should drink to make this all go away,” I laugh. “Oh wait don’t call him. He hates me now.” I drape my arm around Summer’s shoulders and ask her, “Why does he hate me? It was all a lie. But I love yooouuuu, Summer.”

  “I love you too,” she says laughing with me.

  “I love this girl! She’s so cute. No wonder Jesse’s in love with her,” I blurt out.

  “What?” Both Summer and Logan say looking at Jesse in horror.

  “Yeah. Jesse tells Logan you’re in love with his baby sister. It’s okay cause Logan’s in love with Summer’s friend Becky. So you see it’s all good in the hood.” I start to laugh again and lay flat on the lawn chair.

  I can hear Jesse deny everything I said as Farrah also tells them I’m drunk and I have no idea what I’m talking about. None of this would be an issue if they just told each other the truth. Why does everyone have to be such liars?

  I guess I would know, since I’
m the biggest liar of them all. I should have told Austin the truth. I shouldn’t have hurt him the way I did. I miss him so much. The alcohol is no longer numbing the pain in my heart. I begin to cry.

  Logan rushes to my side and holds me in his arms. “It’s going to be okay.” I close my eyes wanting to believe him. Nothing is ever going to be okay. Austin hates me. I wish he didn’t, but he does.

  Logan stays by my side taking care of me by making me drink more water and eat more bread. Each time I put anything in my mouth my body wants to reject it. Please don’t let me throw up.

  I begin to cry again as I remember the last time I did was with Austin. He was so amazing that night. He even held my hair as I puked my guts out.

  “I ruined every thing,” I say putting my head on Logan’s lap.

  “You didn’t ruin anything. Everyone is still having a good time.” He strokes my hair.

  “No. I mean in my life. I ruined every thing when I decided to give Austin a chance. I’m never going to be the same. My heart is so broken I don’t think it will ever heal.” I thought the alcohol would make everything better instead it’s making everything worse.

  “You really did love him, huh?”

  “I really do love him. I miss him so much.” I think the water and bread is actually working because the earth is no long moving and can somewhat think straight.

  Loud cheering erupts from inside followed by “Woo Hoo Seniors!” Every inch of me tightens with fear. What are they doing here? The post prom party is supposed to be at Derek’s house, not here.

  Logan helps me get up and walks me back inside just in time to see Austin and his friends enter the house. My legs begin to wobble again. He looks so good with his white shirt tucked out of his black tuxedo pants. I want to run over and hug him tight.

  Austin looks up and spots me. His dimples vanish as hatred enters his eyes. He drapes his arm around Leah, who is wearing his tuxedo jacket, breaking whatever is left of my heart.

  “Maybe you should go talk to him,” Logan suggests.

  “And say what?”

  “Tell him the truth. He deserves to know. You deserve to be happy.”

  “It’s too late.”