Blackness Takes Over & Blackness Awaits

by Karlsson, Norma Jeanne

  After another hour, Kel and I say goodbye to Butch and that we’ll be back this week sometime. Butch hugs me and thanks me for the thousandth time. I hug him back and congratulate him on getting his life back. I hope he can make a better life this time around.

  “You’re quiet,” Kel says as we drive home.

  “Just thinkin’,” I reply, as he grabs my hand and lays it on his thigh under his own giant mitt.

  “’Bout what?”

  “Mia.” I’m not doing a great job of communicating.

  “Kid, spill it. What’s up?” Kel can read me so well, it’s annoying.

  “I don’t think I ever told you that I wanted to adopt Mia a few years ago. I talked to Kavy about it and he was on board with it. I got really busy and then Butch started pushing to get his retrial, so I held off. I guess I feel like I lost her a little today. I’m kinda sad.” I shrug and look out the window.

  “Hey, you didn’t lose anything today, Kiddo.” He rubs my hand and uses a soothing voice. “You still have Mia and you always will. Butch saw you with her today; he’d never keep you from her. And he was right…you’ll be an amazing mother to our kids.” My hand tenses when he says it this time…I can’t hide the reaction and he sees the distress for the first time. SHIT!

  “What was that?” he asks bewildered.

  “Nothin’, you just caught me off guard,” I try horribly to play it off.

  “What caught you off guard?” His brow is furrowed tight.

  “The kids thing you said, it just caught me off guard.”

  “What about me talking about kids makes you react like that?” he scoffs.

  “I don’t know, Kel. Every time you say it, that’s just what happens to me. I don’t mean to do it and I usually do a pretty good job of covering it up. I just didn’t this time. I’m sorry.”

  “Whoa, WHAT?!” he’s getting agitated as we pull into the driveway. He parks Shelby in the garage while I jump out and quickly get in the house to avoid this conversation. Kel is hot on my heels in the kitchen. The guys are all spread out on the couch watching college football.

  “How was it?” Cally yells over his shoulder.

  “Really good,” I yell back. Kel grabs my arm and starts pulling me toward the stairs. I don’t like being grabbed like that so I rip my arm away from him quickly and spin around to face him angrily.

  “This is happening here or upstairs, Kid,” he sneers at me. “You choose.” His voice is loud enough that the guys are starting to turn to see what’s going on.

  “I’m not doing this here,” I cross my arms, “or upstairs.”

  “Get your ass upstairs or I’m takin’ you myself,” he threatens.

  “You go ahead and fuckin’ try, Kel,” I seethe at him. He smirks at me. He grabs me by my waist and throws me over his shoulder. I immediately start screaming and punching him on the back, he doesn’t flinch. He stalks toward the stairs. Taylor is coming up quickly behind us.

  “Put her down Kellerman,” Taylor demands. “If she doesn’t want to go she’s not fuckin’ goin’.” Kel turns to face Taylor and puts me down. I should have just gone up the fucking stairs with Kel. Now I’ve started shit. I look over to the couch and plead with my eyes for the guys to stop this. Aidan stands up with Cally. They’re the best for this job, because they’re the calmest. Sully and Kavy have less finesse. Taylor reaches out and pulls me to him. I rip my arm from him the same way I just had Kel. They better stop grabbing me or this fight is going to get ugly!

  “Guys come on,” Cally soothes. “Taylor don’t get in the middle of domestics unless someone is in physical danger: house rule.”

  “I think him caveman carrying her up the stairs puts her in physical danger,” Taylor seethes. Kel and Taylor haven’t stopped glaring at each other, pumping their fists and breathing hard.

  “Fuck you Taylor,” Kel spits. “She’s my girlfriend not yours. Learn some fuckin’ boundaries.”

  Taylor ignores Kel and turns his attention to me. “Can I talk to you,” he motions at Kel, “in private?”

  “I’m not leaving her,” Kel sneers.

  “I didn’t ask you to leave her,” sneering just as much, “I asked her to leave you.” There is more than meets the eye with that statement and I know it. They’re starting to encroach upon each other’s space and smash me between them in the process. I put my hands on each of their chests, bracing for an impending fight.

  “Guys stop. I don’t wanna fight,” I plead with them.

  “It’s not gonna be a fight,” Taylor sneers mockingly.

  “Fuck YOU!” Kel bellows.

  Things seem to move in slow motion at this point. They both push in on me hard and I stumble back falling, splat on my ass. It knocks the wind out of me. Kavy, Sully, Cally, and Aidan fly over the couch. From their view I’m sure it looks like Kel and Taylor just threw me out of the way to get at each other.

  “WHAT THE FUCK?!” Kavy screams and rushes at Kel, while Sully goes at Taylor. The four of them are immediately on the floor rolling around punching and slamming each other, holding nothing back. Cally and Aidan help me up and we watch the children fight until I can’t watch anymore.

  “AARON!” I scream at the top of my lungs. “BRIAN!” The rolling around stops and they all pop their heads up like their mom called them home for dinner. I don’t have to say another word…they know it’s done. As the four of them get to their feet, I have to make a decision. Either I’m Kel’s or I’m not. This is my stubborn ass fault. Sully comes to me first, his nose bleeding. I wipe away his blood with my thumb and forefinger.

  “You okay?” he asks a little out of breath.

  “I’m fine, Sully,” I smile slightly and kiss his cheek wiping his blood on my jeans.

  Kavy’s next. He’s going to have a black eye, but otherwise he looks all right. He scoops me up into his pythons and constricts me tight to him.

  “You want us to throw these motherfuckers outta here right now, Kid?” He’s still pissed off and will be for a while. I squeeze him tight, but don’t respond as he puts me down. He moves behind me where the rest of my boys are. We look like an old west showdown. My team would win of course. I stare at Kel and Taylor. Taylor is standing there with the beginning of a bruise on his jaw and a cocky smirk on his face that makes me want to slap it right off. So I do. I hit him so damn hard my elbow hurts. Needless to say the smirk is gone. He stares at me shocked.

  “You ever touch anyone in my family again, you’ll deal with me,” I seethe. I guess Sully’s bloody nose got to me more than I realized. Taylor doesn’t say anything instead he hauls ass up to his room. Time out for him. I turn to Kel who looks embarrassed as hell. Before I can say anything I hear a throat clear.

  “You ever put your hands on her again Kellerman, I swear to fuckin’ God we’re comin’ for you,” Kavy seethes. The boys move back to the couch and leave Kel and me staring at each other. I move toward him and I swear he looks like he wants to let the guys beat him to a pulp. I walk to him and grab his hand without a word, pulling him toward the office. When we get in I lock the door and guide Kel over to the love seat in the corner. His lip is split and dripping blood. His cheek is swelling and will surely be bruised. His gorgeous face is a mess…my mess. I go into the bathroom and get some cotton balls and antiseptic wash. Kel is just staring at the floor, not saying a word. I tip his chin up to me and dab away the blood. He keeps his eyes closed the whole time. When I finish cleaning him up I sit next to him on the couch.

  “I’m sorry,” Kel whispers.

  “No Kel, I’m sorry. That shit out there is on me not you. I shoulda just gone up and talked to you. None of this woulda happened. I’m really sorry,” I say in a soft apologetic tone.

  “I never shoulda picked you up. And I sure as shit shouldn’t have pushed you to get to that asshole. I’m a piece of shit for that. If anyone else would have done that to you I’d a killed ’em. I’m so fuckin’ sorry. I should go out there and let the guys beat my ass. It’s what I’ve got
comin’,” he huffs.

  “Kel stop,” I rest my hand on his thigh and turn my body to face him. “Pickin’ me up caveman style isn’t the nicest way to transport me, but you’re not the first to do it to me. I know how stubborn I can be and sometimes it makes you guys desperate. And you didn’t push me down…I stumbled and fell. I’m not made of glass and I knew stepping between you two had risks. I’m fine, you didn’t hurt me.” I put my hand on his cheek and turn his face toward mine; I need to look in those stunning teal eyes.

  “I didn’t want to go up and talk to you because I’m scared. You keep talkin’ about our kids like it’s a foregone conclusion that it’ll happen. I’ve never had that luxury. The things that should be a part of my future have been taken from me. I don’t know how to plan for a new one.” I feel a cantaloupe sized lump forming in my throat.

  “You don’t want a future with me, do you?” Kel’s face is riddled with pain. Time to take the leap and dive head first into the unknown.

  “Move in with me,” I say, barely above a whisper.

  “You’re serious?” he questions.

  I nod sheepishly. Kel’s face is stunned…he looks freaked out. Time to back track.

  “It’s too early, I know. After everything today…I’m sorry. It’s too much. I…” I prattle on until he puts a finger to my lips.

  “I never thought you’d want to live with me. You keep me at such a distance when it comes to the commitment part of our relationship. I actually thought you’d break up with me after this shit today. I figured you have all your boxes checked with the guys.” Huh?

  “Boxes checked?”

  “Yeah. You’ve got Kavanagh to hold you at night, O’Sullivan to entertain and dance with you, Callaghan is your buddy…workout, sports, shopping, work…you two are always pallin’ around, and all three of them give you love, support, and protection. Where do I fit in? Where does anyone fit in here?” He motions around the house.

  I’d never thought of it like that. We’re a family and we fit together because we worked at it. We didn’t start out like this, we learned and grew together. I guess it was like having a relationship, a weird sexless four-way relationship…that could end up being a future therapy bill.

  “You’re right,” I say matter-of-factly.

  “About?” he stretches the word as long as it can go.

  “The boys offer me everything that you just said and more. We all know it at some level, I guess. We’ve talked about living together our whole lives, raising children together, vacationing, buying property, getting old and going to a nursing home together. It’s safe and comfortable for all of us.”

  “Wow. You’re gonna have kids with them? Who’s kid will it be? You’ll have sex or test tube babies? How does that work? You draw straws or somethin’?” His mind is reeling and I have to stifle a laugh…I don’t do a good job and he glares at me.

  “I’m sorry. But if you could see your face you would laugh too.” His glare deepens and I laugh…hard and bury my face in his chest, trying to muffle my snorts. Once I get myself under control, “Are you finished?” he quietly chides me. I nod, afraid to speak and he waits because it is my turn to talk.

  “We haven’t discussed specifics. I’ve never even considered having kids of my own,” I shudder. “That comment you made earlier about ‘our’ kids…that’s the reaction you saw.”

  “So you don’t want kids?” He furrows his brow. “I thought you said you were gonna have ten test tube babies with the guys?” Wow, exaggerate much? I snicker, but keep it controlled.

  “You don’t want kids with me?” He’s trying to figure me out so hard.

  “I do want kids. Jesus, Kel, if you haven’t noticed I’m not the most girly of girls. I don’t fawn over babies. I don’t have my wedding planned just waiting to ‘insert groom here’.” I motion with my hands like I’m playing Life. “I don’t shop as a hobby. I don’t have girlfriends that I do girl shit with. I was raised by a man and became a woman with a group of guys, I’m not normal.” I sit back and wrap my arms around myself.

  “This is why the guys and I work. They understand that I don’t fit the mold. That I don’t want to fit the mold. They accept me as I come…lack of girlytude and all.” I’m looking at the floor because after that verbal diarrhea, I’m guessing he’ll be out the door soon. I didn’t paint a pretty picture just then…an honest one, but not pretty.

  “You have to see this from my perspective.”

  “Okay.” I try to do just that. “So you see me and the guys as a complete package. You think that they satisfy all of my relationship needs and that means I don’t need a boyfriend. You think I let them get away with anything they want because I don’t have appropriate boundaries in place with them. You think I’m going to have, and I quote ‘ten test tube babies’ with them. You think I keep you at an arm’s length because I have all my boxes checked.” I clear my throat. “How’d I do?”

  “Pretty spot on actually.”

  “So?”

  “So what?”

  “I don’t know. I feel like the ball’s in your court. I’m tryin’ really hard to do this girlfriend thing the right way, but I have no clue what I’m doin’. I’m not gettin’ rid of the boys and you seem doubtful at my ability to commit. We seem to be at an impasse,” I huff. I stand up and start to pace around the room a little. This sucks! “I did ask you to fucking move in with me, if you forgot that part of this.” I throw my arms up. I’m getting pissed off now. I put myself out there and look where that gets me. This is why I don’t do relationships.

  “I know you did. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome,” I sneer. Thank you? What the fuck? I didn’t just offer him a napkin.

  “I’m gonna go back out there and check on the guys. You obviously need time to figure out if you want me or us or whatever and I get that. My life is complicated, but I love it and I’m not changing it for you or anyone else. I love you so much, Kel, but my life has been changed enough without my consent.” I lean over and kiss his cheek before leaving. I go into the living room and find my family: loud, laughing, shit giving, loving family. If this is all the rest of my life gives me I’m okay with that. I’ll miss Kel though, I thought he fit here.

  Taylor comes up beside me and nudges me with his shoulder.

  “Tough day at the office?” he snarks.

  I burst into laughter. I needed to laugh even though I need to square shit away with Taylor. I’m all talked out right now though. I walk away from Taylor while he heads back upstairs. I curl into Kavy’s lap. He cuddles me into him and I watch some football, trying to pretend this day never happened. None of the boys have asked me what started this and I don’t want them to. I never saw Kel leave but he could have gone out the front door without me seeing him.

  I decide to go up to my room and take a bath to soak the sadness away that’s building in my chest. I kiss Kavy on the cheek, thank him and the guys for everything today and make my way upstairs. I walk into my bedroom with my head down going through emails on my BlackBerry, hoping to see a message from Kel (nothing). I get halfway in my room and look up, stiffening when I see Kel sitting in the chair in the corner.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he apologizes.

  “It’s okay. I thought you left. You want some help packin’ up?” I try to be nice.

  “No.”

  “Oh, okay. Well I’ll leave you to it.” I turn to leave the room and try to figure out where to go to hide out until this awkward experience is over.

  I’m almost to the door when his arms encase me from behind crushing me to him. I freeze. Is this a good bye hug?

  “I don’t want you to help me pack because I’m not leavin’,” he murmurs into my hair. “I’m sorry about earlier. You put yourself out there, and I threw shit at you that you didn’t know bugged me. I knew what I was gettin’ into when we met, it was a package deal. I’m not asking you to give up your family…I will never ask you to. I want to live with you and figure out
where I fit. I want to fit.” I spin in his arms, grab his neck and jump up in our usual pose. He grasps my ass and we gaze into each other’s eyes, reflecting a feeling of adoration.

  “You fit right here,” I whisper. He smiles and crushes his lips to mine. I know that has to hurt with his busted lip, but he doesn’t show any signs of pain. Kel leaps onto the bed with me still wrapped around him, smashing me a little. I let out an oof and we both laugh into each other’s mouths.

  “Test tube babies…really?” he says into my mouth. I laugh out loud and throw my head back. He’s stuck on test tube babies.

  “I’m not having test tube babies, Kel. That’s your psychosis not mine,” I blow out. “I always figured I’d adopt. If you don’t have a man that’s usually how it works. Sperm banks freak me the fuck out. I would surely end up gettin’ some serial killer’s sperm. And I would never procreate with those idiots downstairs. I don’t know how their mothers raised them…I don’t wanna try.”

  “But you have a man now,” he glances up at me sheepishly from my chest he’s buried himself in.

  “Yeah, one I’ve had for a couple months. Little early to be gettin’ knocked up,” I snark.

  “I’d knock you up right now if you’d let me!” he growls into my tits.

  “Really? You wanna get me pregnant after knowin’ me two months? I think you need your head checked!”

  “I know I want you. That’s not changin’. I’m not sayin’ I want kids tomorrow, but when I think about my future…it’s with you and our family, crazy motherfuckers downstairs and all.”