Love Is Relative

by Francis, Haven

  “Emily, you don’t understand. She came here that night and I opened the door thinking it was you. I tried to tell her nicely to go but she wouldn’t listen. I finally had to grab her by the wrists and force her out. What you saw was me telling her to get the hell out and never come back. Think about it Emily, think about what you saw. You misunderstood. I would never do that to you. Even if you never want me, even if we can never be together, I’m never going to want anyone but you. It hurts that you think I could do that. I thought you understood how much I love you.”

  Emily is shaking her head at me, telling me she doesn’t believe me. “No, Danny, I know what I saw. I knew this was going to happen when I talked to you. I knew you would have some excuse and I would want to believe you but I know what I saw.”

  “Emily, please. Think about it. You saw me holding her by her wrists. That look that you saw on my face wasn’t what you thought it was. It was anger, it was disgust. When I saw her standing on my porch I realized that everything I had done in my past to make up for not having you was wrong. The thought of her, or anyone that isn’t you, here in this house is sickening to me.

  “I did those things your friends told you about. I slept with a lot of women and, no, I never got attached to any of them and, yes, it was just sex but Emily… I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. When you left you took so much of me with you. I don’t know why I did it, I don’t know what I was trying to get out of it but the minute I saw you I knew that nothing in this damn world could ever heal me except for you. You have to believe me. I would never hurt you, Emily. You’re finally here again; all I want to do is make sure that you never leave.”

  She’s still shaking her head at me and I don’t know what to say to her. “I can’t feel that way again,” she finally says.

  “I can’t feel that way again either. I can’t live without you. These past ten days have been hell. They have been harder than anything I’ve ever lived through. I can’t lose you, Emily. You have to believe that what you saw wasn’t what you think it is. Please, Emily, I can’t lose you just because she decided to show up at my house, just because you came at the exact wrong time. I can’t lose you over a stupid, fucking, misunderstanding.” I move toward her again and this time she doesn’t hold her hands up. I kneel on the floor in front of her and put my arms around her waist. She doesn’t stop me so I let my head fall into her lap. I love her so much. The pressure in my chest rises through my body. My eyes sting my head pounds. I cannot lose this girl.

  Her hands move to my head and tears fall from my eyes. I don’t know what that small touch means but it’s such a relief to feel it. Her hands move to cover my head and then she lets her body fall as her arms wrap around my back. I pull her closer and I absorb every shake her body produces while she cries onto my shoulder. She lifts my head up and looks into my eyes, “I’m sorry,” she tells me before letting her body slide off the couch and onto my lap.

  I hold her so tight, determined to never let her go again. My hands run sporadic paths around her body, determined to never forget how good it feels to touch her. Her face is buried in my neck and I feel every breath she takes against my skin and it feels so damn good. I lean down and put my lips on her neck, needing to taste her flesh. Her body pushes into mine and she lets out a quiet moan. I make my way across her jaw bone. She’s breathing heavily and I need to feel her breath in my mouth. I cover her lips with mine and then I have to stop, just for a moment. I want to scream, it feels so good to have her sweet lips on mine again. My hand slips into her hair. I want to devour her but I hold back. I want to be good for her. Her nails claw into my shoulder blades and she lets out a contained cry. Ah, fuck. I bury my tongue in her mouth and I feel like I’m going to explode. I push into her, tasting her, feeling her tongue on mine again. Nothing will ever taste as good as her wet tongue. She presses her body against mine and I feel like I’m going to lose it. She rubs herself against my length and cries out into my mouth. I have to fight to keep every inch of my body from taking her completely. She feels insanely good and she wants me. After what she thought I did.

  That last thought makes me loosen my grip on her, makes me pull back from her mouth. This is not what she needs right now, clearly it’s what she wants, but it’s not what she needs. Our kiss slows and lingers until I feel like I can pull out of her mouth without screaming. I look into her eyes and I know I did the right thing. She looks confused. This is not where she wanted tonight to go. “I’m sorry, Em. I shouldn’t have done that. It’s just so damn hard when you’re near me. You haven’t been near me for so long.” I brush my hand against her fragile face.

  She smiles at me. “It’s okay. I didn’t mind it.”

  It’s so good to see her smile, to hear her playing with me again. I lift myself off the ground with her still attached to my waist. I lay us down on the couch and pull the afghan off the back to cover her up. “Will you stay here with me tonight? I don’t think I can let go of you.”

  “What will Jason and Maddie think when they see me here?” she asks.

  “They’ll be excited. But if you leave us again, they’ll be heartbroken all over again and I don’t want that.” I can’t let that happen again.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt them. I wouldn’t have gotten close to them again if I ever thought something could come between us. Oh, God, I was so stupid. I hurt them. I’m so sorry, Danny.”

  “Just talk to me the next time you’re angry with me, Em, can you do that? No matter how mad you are, no matter what you think I’ve done to you. I would never do anything to hurt you, so if you hear or see something that hurts you, you have to tell me so we can fix it.”

  “I promise,” she says and her eyes shine with tears.

  “Don’t cry, Em. It’s not your fault that I made a million mistakes while I wasn’t with you. I know you can never forgive me for all of the awful things I’ve done but I promise you, I’m done making mistakes. I never want to see you hurt again.”

  “Danny, stop. I forgive you. I love you, I forgive you,” she says, leaning into kiss me softly. I cannot believe these sweet lips are mine again.

  Emily

  “Danny!” Maddie’s frightened voice wakes me from my sleep. Before I can even register what’s going on, Danny is off the couch and running towards his room.

  “It’s okay, Maddie,” I hear him say. “I’m right here.” I hear the squeak of his box spring as he goes to lay with her. The pain I felt last night leaps into my chest again. What did I do to him? What did I do to Maddie and Jason? I’m a selfish, awful, stupid person. I had zero faith in him. I didn’t trust him at all even though he told me and showed me every day how much he loved me. I really hate myself right now. Not even the fact that I spent the night wrapped up in Danny’s arms can make me feel better.

  I should probably just leave rather than let Jason and Maddie find me here but I can’t get myself to go. I’m not ready to leave Danny and I desperately want to see Maddie and Jason again.

  I decide to keep myself occupied with breakfast. I open Danny’s fridge expecting to find nothing, but it’s completely stocked. I look at a container holding yogurt with a cartoon character on it and I want to kick myself. Danny is so good to his siblings, he’s so good to me. How could I have hurt him? I take out some eggs and butter then shut the door before I can glimpse another self-hate inducing grocery item. In the freezer I find bacon and sausage- I know Danny prefers bacon so I pull it out. Danny loved his mom’s buttermilk pancakes. I bet Jason and Maddie did too. I’m grateful for the hours that I have spent in the kitchen with Grandma because I can make things like this as long as I have the ingredients. And, thank the Lord, Danny has them all.

  By the time I hear a small sign of life from the bedroom, I’m just flipping the last pancake. The kids come spilling out of the room followed by a nicely rumpled and shirtless Danny.

  “Emily,” Maddie squeals as she makes her way into the kitchen.

  I bend down and scoop her up into my arms. “Bo
y, I’ve missed you,” I tell her before making eye contact with Jason, “you too,” I say through my guilt. He gives me a guarded smile and I wonder if he’ll ever trust me again.

  “Danny said you came here to cook us bacon and you’re not leaving.” I look to Danny who has a cautious look on his face.

  “He’s right, I came to make you bacon, and you’ll never get rid of me no matter how hard you try.”

  “Okay,” she says believing me.

  I set her down and she goes to Danny who is plating up her food. Jason hasn’t moved from the entrance where he stands with his arms crossed over his chest. The look he gives me lets me know he’s pissed. He deserves to be. I left all of them with no explanation, not just Danny.

  I cross my own arms over my own chest and cock my head at him, thinking over what I could possibly say to make him forgive me. “I was mad at Danny,” I tell him.

  He raises his eyebrows at me as if to say so what.

  “It was stupid. I thought he did something that he didn’t do. I was hurt and I wasn’t thinking about anything except for that hurt.”

  I take a deep breath and assess his face. It seems to relax a little, so I keep talking. “What I did wasn’t fair to you. You and Maddie didn’t hurt me but I shut you out too. That was wrong and I wish I hadn’t done that to you.”

  He gives me a small nod. I wish I had the right words. It’s hard to know what to say to Jason, he’s still so young but he seems so old. I want to say more than I probably should so I don’t say anything else. “I promise that I won’t do that again. That I’ll only quit talking to you if you’re the one that hurts me, and even then, I’ll probably still talk to you.”

  The corner of his mouth lifts with the smile that he’s holding back.

  “If you’re going to be mad at me for a while, I understand. I’ll wait around until you can eventually forgive me. Even if it takes a hundred years and you’re an old bald man in a wheelchair.”

  He smiles with both side of his mouth now and rolls his eyes at me before walking past me to get his breakfast.

  That’s all the forgiveness I’m going to get from him right now and I’m good with that. I’m great with that. I’ll take whatever the Donovan’s are willing to give me.

  Part Three

  The Possession

  Danny

  Things have changed between the two of us. I have her back and it feels like I have more of her than ever. As soon as she forgave me and she was back in my arms I could feel the shift. We are no longer pretending that we are just friends. Pretending seems stupid seeing how we almost lost each other. Why would we pretend like we don’t love each other? The fact that we were apart and are now together seems to have loosened the boundaries that exist between us. I’m pretty sure she’ll let me kiss her whenever I feel like it but I know she won’t give me everything. I don’t really care anymore. After losing her, I’m more than happy to have any piece of her she’s willing to hand me. I just want her near me.

  “So what are we gonna do today?” I ask Emily after Sue and the kids leave.

  “Grandma wasn’t too thrilled that I spent the night here instead of at Nat’s. I suppose I should head home and atone for my sinful ways,” she says, sadly.

  “You told them you stayed here with me?”

  “Well, I can’t lie to them. I told her that the kids were here. She’ll live. She was happy that we’re talking again. Maybe you should call your buddy Cliff and ask if you can keep me a little longer.” I can tell she’s not upset about the secret I’ve kept form her but I feel guilty anyway.

  “I’m sorry about that, Em. I just didn’t want you to know I’ve been stalking you since the day you left.”

  “I would have done the same thing if I could have. I think it’s sweet.”

  “Oh, yea,” I ask, pulling her into my lap.

  “Yea,” she says like she’s out of breath. Her face is inches from mine. I look at her parted lips and pull the bottom one into my mouth. She turns her body into mine willingly and I hold her there, pressing her against me. Her hands fist in my hair and the pain feels good. I take her deeper into my mouth. She tastes so good. Her warm, tight body pressed up against mine feels so good.

  But it hurts- the pressure that will not find release. I know she feels the same way, she’s told me so. I wish I could make her pain go away. She pushes harder into me and lets out a desperate cry. That’s it, I think to myself. If I can’t make her feel better, she’s going to learn to do it herself.

  I pick her up and walk her into my bedroom, never taking my lips off of her. I kneel on the bed then lay her down in front of me. “What are you doing?” she asks as she stares up at me, panting.

  “You hurt, right?” I ask her.

  “Danny, we can’t do that,” she tells me but her words don’t sound very convincing.

  “That’s not what I asked you. I asked if you were hurting.” I let my fingers slide up her thigh, touching her lightly between her legs. There is a pair of jeans separating my fingers from her but I can still feel her heat and my light touch has her moaning.

  “Yes, it hurts.” she admits. “But you can’t do that.”

  “I won’t touch you if you think it’s wrong, but I’m not going to let you hurt, Emily. There is no reason for it.”

  “But you can’t touch me, Danny. That’s a line I can’t cross.”

  “I just said I won’t touch you. You need to learn how to touch yourself.”

  She shoots up into sitting position and her face flushes. “I do not.”

  “Emily, relax. There’s nothing wrong with it, people do it all the time. Baby, please, I can’t think of you hurting all the time. Try it, for me. If it’s too uncomfortable you can stop. I just want you to try.”

  She’s thinking about it, her eyes shift slightly. “It’s so embarrassing though. I mean, in front of you? Is that what you want me to do?”

  “Well yea. You’re not going to do it on your own. We can shut the lights off, I won’t watch.”

  “God, that’s even creepier,” she says, shaking her head.

  “Let me help you then.”

  “I don’t know, Danny, it doesn’t seem right. Even if you don’t touch me, it’s so intimate. What if I have an orgasm in front of you?”

  “Em, that’s the point. You need to have an orgasm so that the pain can go away. Don’t you want it to go away?”

  “Yes, I do,” she says, looking at me through scared eyes. “Okay, but don’t laugh at me if I say or do something stupid.”

  “Trust me, I will not be laughing at you,” I say, leaning in to kiss her. It takes her an uncertain moment but she responds to my kiss. I kiss her longer than I should, enjoying the idea of having her in my bed but also preparing for what we are about to do. When she wraps her leg around my thigh and presses into me, I know she’s ready.

  I pull my comforter over the two of us. “Take your pants and underwear off,” I whisper.

  “Okay,” she says shakily, removing her hands from my hair and pulling off her pants. I can tell she’s nervous so I take her mouth back in mine. Thinking of her bare ass rubbing on my sheets is painful. I want to rip off all of our clothes and buy myself in her. Maybe this was a terrible fucking idea.

  “You ready?” I ask, pulling out of her mouth. She nods at me. I remove her hand from my hair and press it between her legs then I push her bare leg up and she opens willingly. Oh, fucking hell.

  My hand covers hers and I pretend like I’m touching her, putting two of my fingers over hers. We move easily; her body is clearly ready for this and for a second I’m pretty sure I can’t handle it, but then she closes her eyes and lets out a sigh of relief. That’s all the reassurance I need- I can control myself for her.

  “Does that feel good?” I ask her.

  “Mmm-hmm,” she breaths.

  “This is going to feel better.” I guide her fingers in circles.

  “Ahhh,” she says with satisfaction then leans up to find my mouth. I give it t
o her. Her tongue moves slowly and deeply in my mouth and I press her fingers down harder. She’s moaning into me and I want her so badly. She starts to move her hips; rocking them gently, back and forth and I imagine how it would feel to be inside of her. Fuck. I need her to come or I’m going to. I rub her fingers back and forth until she has to take her mouth from mine. I watch as she bites her lip to hold back her scream. Her hips move faster as she bucks against my hand. She throws her head to the side and it looks like she’s in agony. She’s holding back for some reason and I can’t hold on much longer so I bend my head down and, through her t-shirt and thin bra, I take her nipple in my mouth and bite down gently. “Ahhh,” she screams out, “Danny.” Her body slows, and I let her hand go and eventually it stops too. Her body is shaking and then she’s finally still. I lay on my side next to her. She opens her eyes and looks at me and a small, mischievous smile appears on her face. “Holy shit,” she tells me with bright eyes.

  I can’t help but laugh, “I told you it would feel good.”

  “Yea, you were right. It felt really good. Thank you,” she says, lifting her head to kiss me softly on my lips.

  “I didn’t do anything.”

  “Yea, right,” she says. “That was probably weird for you.”

  “It was absolutely beautiful,” I tell her reaching down to give her a kiss, causing myself to become harder which I didn’t think was possible. Reluctantly, I take my lips off her. “But now I have to go take care of my own pain.”

  Her eyes widen at me. “That made you hurt?”

  “That was the sexiest thing I have ever seen. Extremely painful. It should only take me a minute, I need a shower anyway. You can come with if you want.”

  “No,” she says without hesitation.

  “Just thought I’d offer.” I give her one more kiss before heading to the shower.

  Emily