Sunlight

by Gwen Cole

  I hated how one person could have such a hold over me. I was constantly reminded of him, just from everyday things. The first time Carrie had asked me if I had wanted pizza I had almost broken down right there in the kitchen.

  They were careful around me, and that made me feel fragile. I hated feeling weak. I was in the past, but things had changed from then until now. I had changed. I didn’t want the need to rely on anyone anymore. If I had been strong enough, maybe West wouldn’t have left. I would have finished Dersa that very day if I had had the strength to do it. There were questions like that repeating in my head constantly.

  But I couldn’t change the past.

  West was gone.

  I was alone.

  That’s the way it was.

  Tears brimmed my eyes and I closed them, shutting them away and refusing to let them come. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry anymore.

  Crying wasn’t going to change anything. I could feel myself becoming harder, and it was probably a good thing I was leaving soon. My coming bitterness wouldn’t effect Carrie and Malcolm anymore than it already had.

  I was certain of one thing though. I was slowly suffocating. I was a plant without my sunlight, and soon there would be nothing for me to feel anymore.

  ✢✢✢

  My last three days came and went without any change.

  Meaning West still hadn’t showed.

  I got up on the morning of my departure and packed my Jansport of what stuff I previously had. Carrie had also given me some food, even though I tried to refuse it, but she could be stubborn when she wanted to be. Malcolm had cleaned and checked my gun, making sure it would fire when I needed it to. They had thought of just about everything. Twice over.

  I took one last look around my room and sighed quietly, admitting to myself that I would miss everything here. The hardwood floors creaked as I stepped out into the hallway, and I headed to the kitchen one last time.

  Malcolm and Carrie were both already at the kitchen table, picking slowly at their breakfast; more potatoes and eggs. I placed my backpack near the wall and lowered myself into my regular seat. My wooden chair squeaked a little when I sat down—which happened to be the only sound in the entire room.

  I started eating my food even though I wasn’t hungry. My stomach was knotted and my eyes were itching to glance out the window, to look for the one person I was desperately hoping to see.

  I glanced up at Malcolm who was staring intently at his coffee. His brow was furrowed in thought, but not saying anything. I chewed slowly while studying his graying hair and warm eyes. I would miss him. He was always so nice.

  I inwardly sighed and slouched back in my seat. Why did I have to stay with the nicest people on the planet? It wouldn’t have been this hard to leave someone who was rude and smelled like rotten tomatoes. But no! Of course we had to end up staying with the sweetest couple ever.

  They reminded me of my parents, which made it even harder.

  After breakfast, we all knew it was time for me to leave.

  It was such an awkward situation.

  “Well, I’d better go,” I mumbled. It seemed to echo off the walls as if I had yelled it from a hilltop.

  I slowly stood from my chair, walked over and shrugged into my pack. Carrie and Malcolm both rose too and followed me out the door, like a funeral procession. I stopped at the bottom step of the porch and stared out into the woods to where I would shortly be headed.

  “Reese?” It was Malcolm.

  I cringed with the thought of finally saying goodbye, but reluctantly turned around and faced them. Carrie had her arms crossed, one hand playing with a long strand of blond hair, her foot twitching, almost looking like she was about to tackle me with a hug. I shifted my gaze over to Malcolm who had his hands in his pockets. He took them out suddenly and his arms engulfed me in an embrace.

  He held me tightly in his large arms and whispered into my ear, “Come back to us someday, alright?”

  I nodded into his big chest, trying to swallow in the lump that had risen in my throat.

  “I will. I promise.”

  He released me and took a step back to give Carrie her turn. She stood there, still looking at me, but she finally sniffed, dropped her arms, and gave me a hug. I stole a glance at Malcolm from over Carrie’s shoulder who gave me a sad smile.

  She pulled me back at arms length and hooked a stray lock of hair behind my ear. “Are you sure you have everything?” She asked, in a cracking voice. I knew she was on the verge of crying.

  “Yeah, I think so.”

  “And you still have your food?”

  I nodded.

  “We love you, Reese, and—” She seemed to be struggling with herself. “If you see West, tell him we love him, too. All right?”

  Now I really had to leave. I knew Carrie hadn’t meant to say, ‘if,’ but I was too aware of the wording. Right then, I suddenly realized that I wasn’t exactly feeling sad, but rather . . . angry. West had promised he would be back, but he hadn’t. I’d kept my promise, and it was only fair that he should keep his, wasn’t it? Was I just being selfish thinking of it that way? Now I had to leave without him.

  “Thank you guys, for everything. I would probably be crippled if it wasn’t for you Carrie.” She gave me a small smile and a tear escaped, running down her cheek. “And West probably would have never bothered to stitch his arm up if you hadn’t been there to make him. And Malcolm, thanks for picking up two strangers on the side of the road.”

  A grin broke out across his face. “That’s what I do best.”

  I hugged them both once more, then quickly turned my back and made a line for the woods. When I reached the trees, I paused and turned around. They were still standing in front of their house, Malcolm’s arm around Carrie, both smiling back at me. I gave them a quick wave, then disappeared into the woods.

  I barely took a twenty steps before my silent tears finally came pouring out. I had promised myself I wouldn’t cry over him anymore. But I couldn’t not. My feelings were a mixture of sadness, worry, and anger.

  I fumed silently as I walked on. I still had a long way to go until I would get close enough to the North City to see what was going on, so I didn’t want to travel like a sobbing snail. I pushed West out of my thoughts and focused on the woods. I had to push him out, or else I would have broken down even more.

  It was a beautiful, late summer day and the trees were bigger here than the ones down south. They casted long shadows and had thick dark trunks that stretched far into the sky. But the terrain was also getting a little harder. I was constantly walking up and down hills, and it was a relief when there was a stretch of flat ground. I tried to take it easy on my knee by going at a slower pace, but with constantly climbing hills by the end of my first day, it was staring to ache.

  Two days passed like living through a fog. I barely remembered any of it. All I was sure of was that I no longer cried. I wouldn’t cry. I forced myself not to.

  The ground still hadn’t flattened out and the trees were still large and towering. My knee didn’t ache as much. It was slowly getting stronger, and that put me in a better mood.

  I tried not to think about West much, but it was like trying to ignore the stone that was stuck in your shoe. I hadn’t notice the first day, but every now and then I would subconsciously glance behind me, just hoping to see him standing there.

  I was always disappointed at what I saw.

  The nights were the worst.

  After it got dark and I would find a tree to lean against, the forest seemed so quiet. It made me even more aware that I was alone, and it didn’t help that I was in the most rural and most unpopulated part of the country. There weren’t even farms this far out.

  It truly felt as if I was the only person left in the world.

  I was settling down for another night against a big oak tree. The old roots protruded from the ground on both sides of me, giving me a little more security. I didn’t sleep much; I never did. It was hard sleeping
in dark and silent woods when I was alone.

  My eyes were still open when the sky began the gray, and I could see more than five feet from my face.

  I could tell by the sky that there wasn’t going to be any sun today. I didn’t matter either way to me; there never seemed to be anyway.

  I pushed myself up and moved my toes, trying to warm them. It was getting cold during the nights. I was finally descending from the highlands back into the countryside and greener forests, so I hoped there would be warmer weather again. I wasn’t ready for the cold just yet.

  As I made my way downhill, there was a gap in the trees, and something on the horizon caught my eye. I stopped at the crest of the hill and stared at the ruins of a city that was once thriving. I could see the green from the forest taking back what was once theirs, and nobody was around to stop the ivy from growing forever.

  I always tried to imagine what the past had been like. When the whole world was still full of people and cities were alive. I couldn’t though. The world with our two countries was all I ever knew.

  By midmorning I finally made it back to flatter ground and my knee was starting to ache again from traveling days on end. My hair was in a snarly mess so I quickly pulled it into a new ponytail, taking a quick breather. I glanced behind me again. Nothing. I slung my pack around my shoulders again and noticed its lighter weight; I was running low on food. I didn’t have much to begin with but I had been traveling for some days now.

  After another hour of walking went by. A thick layer of fog descended from the low mountains and immersed everything in a thick white blanket. It seemed to cling to everything. It reminded me of an old horror movie when a little girl is standing there in the field, lost and frightened. And then they would cue in the zombie. Typical horror film; something Ethan and I would laugh at.

  While thinking of Ethan, I wasn’t looking where I was going, and walked into something hard. Solid hard. It knocked me back on the ground and my palms scraped on the small pebbles imbedded in the dirt. I looked up at my impostor.

  It was a train.

  I stood without taking my eyes off it. The fog was obstructing my view from seeing the rest of it but I was sure it was long. Trains that traveled from city to city always were. My eyes wandered the length of it, wondering if there was anything hidden away inside.

  I suddenly heard a click behind me, and my muscles locked in place. It was the sound of a gun.

  “Do not move,” a man’s voice said slowly.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  I heard him take a few steps closer, but I stayed staring straight ahead, focusing my eyes on metal train in front of me. My heart pounded and I tried not to show it; I couldn’t appear weak in front of whoever it was.

  The fog seemed to cling to the sweat breaking out across my forehead, and I hoped more than anything it wasn’t a Brit soldier. It would be the end of me if it was.

  “Keep your hands in sight, and turn around slowly.” His voice had a confidence in it, but I could have sworn there was a falter in there somewhere. I couldn’t be sure.

  My breathing was a bit shaky as I brought my hands out to my sides and slowly turned to faced him.

  He was just as old as I was, wearing an old hoodie and torn jeans. The look of someone also traveling. His dark hair was longer with some strands tucked behind his ears, the rest tied into a small ponytail at the nap of his neck. His dark eyes were narrowed as he looked down the barrel of his shotgun.

  “Where are you from?” he asked.

  “South City.” My accent could prove myself right.

  “So you’re local, then?”

  “Yes,” I answered, trying sound truthful so he would believe me.

  He still didn’t lower his gun. He just stared at me. There was an awkward silence between us and it was obvious he was trying to decide wether or not to trust me.

  Then I heard the gravel near the train tracks crunch somewhere off to my left and I quickly stole a glance. But the fog was still too dense, impossible for me to see anything. The stranger in front of me also shifted his eyes for a moment, towards the same direction.

  “Seth?” A voice called from my left.

  The guy—Seth—never took his eyes off me as he called back, “Go back to the train, and stay there until I come back!”

  I took a chance and said, “Look, I’m not going to do anything. Does it look like I want to bother you? I’m just traveling, the same as you are.” I tried not to blink as I stared back, begging him to believe me.

  The feet hidden behind the fog—that had stopped when Seth told them to—started coming towards us suddenly, but at a faster pace. Seth looked over again quickly before positioning his gun higher on his shoulder.

  “Don’t even think about moving,” he said, warning. The footsteps came closer but I kept my eyes ahead. The person came into my peripheral; a small shape against the tall train.

  “Reese?”

  My head whipped around at the sound of my name, my heart racing even before I saw who it was.

  I already knew. From the moment I heard him.

  It was Ethan.

  Without thinking I took a step towards him, wanting him to be in my arms more than anything. My heart fluttered with excitement of finally finding him. All the worry and dread from before suddenly gone, washed away with the sight of his face.

  “Stop!” Seth yelled.

  I froze again, remembering there was a gun pointed at my head. My whole body itched to run to my little brother, just to be able to prove to myself that he was actually here. To hold him tight and never go. His hair had gotten longer in the past two months, and his face was different.

  I had no doubt the war had changed him. Like it had changed me.

  “Seth, stop!”

  Seth looked at Ethan in disbelief. “What? You know her?”

  “Yes, she’s my sister.” His eyes were pleading with him and his chest was heaving in air.

  Seth looked between us for a moment before lowering his gun. He hadn’t even lowered it an inch before I moved towards Ethan. He ran and practically plowed into me as I wrapped my arms around him.

  He was really here.

  I pressed my face against the side of his head, almost crying from relief that I finally found him. And I think he felt the same way. We must have stood there for a whole two minutes before I pulled back to look at him again. His face was dirty and his hair a little darker, but his hazel eyes had stayed the same. It was obvious that he had grown over the past two months.

  Seth shifted his weight awkwardly. “I would feel better if we continued this somewhere less open.”

  Ethan smiled his goofy grin at me. “Come on, Peanut. We have a place to stay for the night.”

  He started leading the way as I glanced back at Seth, who then gave me an approving nod. He seemed like a nice guy, but I didn’t know him just yet. I nodded back and followed my brother down the long strip of train cars. Most of them were open and hollow, and others still closed.

  “They’re all empty,” Seth mentioned behind me. “The army must have taken everything. We checked them all though, just to make sure.”

  “Have you seen anyone this far out?” I asked.

  Please say yes.

  “Not yet,” he said. “But there was a lot of activity down south probably about a month and half ago.” He hiked his gun up on his shoulder. “Haven’t seen much of anybody since.”

  A month and a half ago. Could it just be coincidence that it was around the same time they were looking for West and I after we’d escaped? What if there were more men out looking for him than he had originally thought? West could have been captured weeks ago, and I wouldn’t have known.

  It made me sick to think about.

  I hadn’t noticed that Ethan had slowed and was now staring at me.

  “Are you all right?” he asked.

  I put on a smile, and it wasn’t fake this time; unlike the previous dozen. Part of me had woken up when I saw Ethan still alive and unhurt. But
only a part.

  “I’m fine.” I wrapped my arm around his while we walked.

  “I know you’re not fine, Reese,” he said. “But I won’t bother you about it. I’m just glad you’re here.” He grinned again and I didn’t deny what he said.

  I wasn’t fine.

  Before I could think about him, I had another horrible thought. One that took my thoughts off everything.

  “Why aren’t Mom and Dad with you?” I asked quietly.

  Ethan’s eyes shifted for a moment, but he never looked over. He just shook his head and said, “They didn’t make it.”

  A lump formed in my throat, barely able to keep my tears back. I think I’d known all along, and somehow that almost made it worse. I wouldn’t ever see them again. I wouldn’t hear Mom’s voice or see Dad’s smile. It was too much to bare right now.

  “Where were you when it happened?” I asked carefully, not sure if he wanted to talk about it.

  “Yeah. We were on the train, heading back home. We had left the station shortly before it derailed.” He studied the ground as we walked.

  “Were you hurt at all?”

  “No, at the time I had gone back to use the bathroom, and the part of the train I was in wasn’t hit as bad.”

  I didn’t know what to say. His face was so blank of emotion. Not at all like the brother I once knew.

  Ethan slowed near one of the railroad cars and pushed the door open. It was empty except for two backpacks and a battery powered lantern in one corner. I looked up at the ceiling and there was a hole cut out of it with cold remains of a small fire underneath.

  “How long have you been staying here?” I asked.

  “Just a couple of days,” Seth answered, coming up behind me. “Those mountains took a few days to cross, so Ethan decided we needed a break.”

  Ethan grinned and climbed in. “Me? I don’t think so. That was totally you, Seth.”

  I watched him for a moment while he fidgeted with the lantern, hardly believing that I had finally found him. Now if only I could find the other half of me, then I would be whole again. I felt as if I was only beginning to be alive again, still searching for the other part.