Room to Grow

by Lisa Heaton

  “It’s my bed and no.” She almost said more but knew she owed him no other explanation.

  “I want to come home. Please let me come home. I want to go to sleep with you and wake with you. I want to grow old with you.”

  Deep down she found a degree of sympathy for him, compassion for his rare demonstration of vulnerability, but there wasn’t one inch of her heart that felt tempted to say yes to him.

  “Dinner's getting cold. We better go eat,” she said.

  Kevin made small talk while they ate, but he didn’t mention coming home again. She, on the other hand, could think of little but their encounter in the bedroom.

  When he stood to go, she walked with him to the door. He took her by the shoulders. “It was good being here with you alone. It felt right.”

  She didn’t respond. Something inside her had been churning around while they had eaten. All the things he had said to her, trying to gain sympathy, had the opposite effect. Her mind replayed all the cruel things he had said before and during the divorce. She certainly wasn’t perfect to him then.

  “I’m not even sure what right feels like anymore,” she said.

  “We can figure it out together, make something new of this.” He touched her cheek. “Imagine what our story would look like if we found our way back together. The redemption of our marriage would be a beautiful thing.”

  The feel of his fingers made her skin crawl, so she stepped away from him. “You can’t use words like that Kevin. I’m not even sure you know what redemption means. You hardly ever went to church. You don’t walk with God. You can’t use His Word to manipulate me.”

  “I didn’t mean it that way.”

  “No matter how you meant it, that’s what you’re doing.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said with a sad smile. “I’ll see you Thursday.”

  The day before Thanksgiving was a whirlwind of activity. Sophie started baking pies and pre-cooking everything that would hold over until the next day. Once Chloe and Austin arrived after lunchtime, they got settled into their rooms and then helped in the kitchen.

  This was Austin’s first holiday with their family. The previous year, both holidays he and Chloe were on a break from one another. Now that she had time to spend with him, Sophie decided she liked Austin more than she expected. It was at his insistence that he and Chloe pitched in and helped.

  He was soft-spoken with Chloe, even when she barked orders at him. Something about the couple’s interaction made Sophie uncomfortable, not for Chloe but for Austin. Maybe he was putting on an act in front of her, but from what Sophie could see, he was respectful and kind to her daughter.

  Chloe had once said their arguments would become explosive. Maybe Austin would only put up with so much until he blew.

  “We’re going to take off now, Mom.” Chloe kissed Sophie on the cheek. “I’m going to take Austin to meet some friends.”

  Sophie dried her hands on her dishtowel. “No worries. I’ll be here cooking when you get back.”

  “Are you sure we shouldn’t stay and help?” Austin said to Sophie.

  “No way. I’ve got this. You two go have fun. We will spend the day together tomorrow.”

  Once the kids were gone, Kevin called, but she let the call go to voicemail. After their encounter the night before, she was still unsettled, and her stomach was in knots over the possibility that had come to mind. She had gone to sleep and woken with the same question banging in her head. What if God planned to redeem their marriage?

  No one question could disturb her more.

  Her eyes were burning, and already Sophie needed a nap. It was just after noon, but because she had woken so early to put the bird in the oven and hadn’t stopped since, she was worn out. Now, looking back, a simple dinner for two with Chloe the year before had been the way to go.

  “Happy Thanksgiving,” Kevin said when he came into the kitchen.

  “Back at ya,” she said. “Did you bring the butter?”

  “I did.” He lifted the bag. “And I got you those puffy sugar cookies that you like.”

  “With the frosting?”

  “Yep.”

  Sophie set her knife down and reached for the container. “I like you a little right now.”

  He moved in to kiss her cheek, but she stepped aside. “Please don’t.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I was just hoping for a little reward.”

  “Uh,” she looked around the kitchen. “you are about to be plenty rewarded, pal.”

  His smile was all but lost on her the moment she said pal. That was what Josh had called Phil when he popped his chest.

  “I’ll be right back,” she said.

  On the way to her bedroom, Sophie passed Austin in the hall. He asked if everything was okay, but she just kept going. By the time she reached her bedroom, tears were pouring down her cheeks. That hadn’t happened in weeks. How could the smallest reminder stir up such emotion?

  She did what she often did when Josh came to mind. She scanned through photos on her phone of them together. Many times she had been tempted to delete them. Right now, she was glad she hadn’t. If she ever needed to see that face, it was then.

  Just two months before, she had assured him they wouldn’t spend the holidays apart. Now here she was, spending Thanksgiving with the person she least wanted to while Josh was maybe with another woman. Wondering if he was alone tormented her. Had he found someone else just to spite her?

  The meal was on the table. Kevin said an obligatory thanks for the food, and Sophie just sat watching. For some reason it seemed that she was looking at the scene from far away, as if she wasn’t even there. There before her was a perfect meal and smiling guests, but nothing about the moment felt right to her. She was glad to have Chloe home, but even Chloe seemed off. Long periods of silence between Austin and her were noticeable. Whatever was going on brought a sense of volatility to the table.

  “Why the everyday dishes?” Kevin said. “You usually use the china.”

  A year ago that question would have devastated her and given her reason to apologize and question her own judgment. Not today.

  She looked Kevin in the eye. “The china has to be hand-washed. I’m more of dishwasher girl this year.”

  “What does it take, thirty minutes to wash them?”

  “Yeah, thirty minutes I don’t have. I have to be at work two hours after we eat.”

  Kevin looked at her with a half-cocked grin. “You don’t have to work.”

  She knew what he meant but chose to ignore his implication that he would take care of her financially.

  “Yeah, Kevin, I do. All the seasonal staff is scheduled today.”

  Chloe jumped in. “Still, it’s just thirty minutes.” She looked at Austin. “Mom usually goes all out each year.” With a grin and wink, she glanced at her dad. “Maybe next year things will be back to normal.”

  “Are you kidding me, right now?” Austin tossed his napkin on his plate. “Do you even hear yourself talking? Have you watched her since we've been here, doing all of this for us? I would call this going all out.”

  “She loves this stuff,” Chloe said.

  “I don't think she loves any of this. I’m not sure I've ever seen someone try so hard for someone who doesn’t appreciate it.” He shook his head and laughed a sarcastic laugh. “Are you happy with yourself, that you're holding your mom hostage like this?” His voice grew louder. “I've watched you do it, threaten not to come if it wasn't going to look like you wanted it. This is what you do! Throw fits and manipulate until you get your way.”

  Austin stood and looked at Sophie. “I’m sorry I’ve ruined your dinner. You deserve better than this.” He looked at Kevin and Chloe, then back at Sophie. “You deserve better than all of this.”

  To Chloe, he said, “Your dad will have to drive you back to Knoxville. I'm done this time, Chloe.”

  Austin stormed off, and Chloe followed behind him.

  Kevin propped his elbows on the table and shrugge
d. “I didn’t mean to get all that started. I just wondered where the china was.”

  “I know.” She looked toward the hallway where the kids were yelling. “I’m not sure anything could have prevented that. I don’t think he’s all that wrong about her.”

  Sophie stood and began to stack plates. When she did, Kevin did the same.

  Once in the kitchen, she started scraping plates while Kevin went back for more. He came back and forth until the dining room table was cleared. What surprised her most was when he began to roll up his sleeves.

  “You’re going to wash dishes?”

  “I sure am. That was all I meant by what’s thirty extra minutes. I knew it would give me a little more time here with you.”

  That made her smile. Usually, he disappeared to watch football with Chloe and left her to clean up the mess.

  Sophie ran the water and began to rinse. “Here, you load the dishwasher.”

  His face lit up in a smile. “Will do.”

  After a minute he said, “Thank you for going all out as you do.”

  She blinked a few times and thought about it. “I’m not sure you’ve ever said that before.”

  “I’ve been an idiot.”

  “Yeah, you kinda have.”

  He splashed her with water, and she squealed. “Don’t! I have to go to work.”

  “I don’t want you to have to go to work. I want to take care of you.”

  Something about his expression took her back decades in time. That’s how he used to look at her in the beginning. She felt similar now to how she did then, just as uncertain and filled with a sense that she should run for her life.

  She heard Austin in the living room, so Sophie dried her hands and went to meet him at the door.

  “I’m sorry again for being a jerk,” Austin said.

  “I’m used to jerks.”

  He smiled at that and then shifted from foot to foot as if he wanted to say more. Finally, he said, “I was there when Josh came. He was a pretty cool guy, nothing like Chloe made him out to be. I felt sorry for him. All he wanted was to change her mind. I’m not sure what Chloe’s version was when she told you, but he was really nice to her and never raised his voice.”

  Tears stung Sophie’s eyes. “Thanks for telling me. He’s got a temper, so I wasn’t sure.” A smile tugged at her lips. “A little like you, I think.”

  He nodded. “Well, thanks again and sorry again.”

  “Don’t be sorry, Austin. Just be wiser in relationships. If it’s this hard now, then marriage would be a nightmare.”

  “Yeah, that’s what I’ve come to realize,” he said. “If she were more like you, I could see it working out.” He looked back toward the kitchen where Kevin was and shook his head. “But she’s not like you.”

  When they didn’t see anything of Chloe after Austin left, Kevin sliced them each a piece of pie as a clean-kitchen celebration. They sat at the island and ate together. He went to get them each a glass of milk. All Sophie could do was watch him move in the kitchen with ease. In part, it seemed natural, like she was watching a home movie from years ago. Still, something was off.

  “I need pie!” Chloe said when she entered the kitchen.

  “I bet you do.” Sophie cut her a piece. “Fighting is hard work.”

  Chloe glared at her.

  “Too soon?” Sophie said.

  “Yeah, too soon.” Chloe dug into her pie, and after her second bite, she looked at her parents. “This feels good, huh, being together as a family?

  Kevin reached for Sophie's hand. “More than you know.”

  “On that note, I need to get to work.” She couldn’t get out of that kitchen fast enough.

  Physically exhausted and emotionally spent, Sophie sat in her car after work, considering the same question that had followed her around Macy's the past eight hours. What if God planned to redeem their marriage?

  In a sheer panic over the thought, her heart thumped, and sweat broke out on her forehead. There was a time when she had prayed for exactly that.

  Her current anxiety wasn’t over Kevin or what she didn't feel for him. It was Josh's words, that if she went back to Kevin, there would never be another them. That thought struck fear so deep inside that her hands trembled.

  Her phone sounded, and she was tempted to ignore it in case it was Kevin again.

  It was Josh: Happy Thanksgiving

  She looked at those two words and considered her past two days of cooking and cleaning and the uproar at dinner.

  Her reply: If that's a question, the answer is NO!!

  Josh: Same

  It wasn't lost on her that they were both miserable because of her.

  Josh: Are you alone

  Sophie: Yes. Just getting off work.

  Josh: Work? It's almost midnight

  Her: Yeah. Retail at Christmas. The mall at Christmas…I'm dead.

  There was a long pause.

  Josh: Be safe driving home

  She sighed at the brevity of his response and texted: I will.

  That was it, the best part of her Thanksgiving.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Sophie didn’t have to work on Black Friday since she had stayed so late the night before. She woke up that morning to a quiet house since Kevin had taken Chloe home the night before. They had tried to get her to stay longer, but she wasn’t giving up on Austin. Just before Sophie had left for work, Chloe had come into her room to ask if she thought she was manipulating her. Sophie was honest with her and said that’s what it had felt like when she refused to come home for her birthday or Thanksgiving unless Josh was gone.

  To Sophie’s disappointment, Chloe didn’t apologize or even acknowledge it. She only huffed and turned to go. Sophie let her.

  Now, cleaning up after her daughter in her bedroom, picking up dirty towels and empty food wrappers, Sophie didn’t experience that empty nest feeling like usual. Part of her was glad Chloe had gone home early. She would never admit it to anyone, but that nagging little voice said, “Whew!” Adult kids were much tougher than little ones.

  A knock at the door wasn’t surprising since she half-expected Kevin to show up.

  When she opened the door, he was holding a box of donuts. “I come bearing gifts.”

  She swung the door open wider. “You’ve got to stop doing that.”

  “Oh, a little junk food won’t do too much damage.”

  He came in, poured a cup of coffee, and made himself comfortable on the sofa. “So what’s on your schedule today?” he said.

  “Just going to hang out here.”

  “Mind if I hang with you?”

  “Actually, I would like to get some things done, maybe some early Christmas shopping with the rest of the crazies.”

  “I’ll go with you.”

  She stared at him a minute in disbelief, wanting to say no way. Then the question came again. What if this was God? If she had prayed a prayer that God intended to answer, years too late in her opinion, then didn’t she owe Kevin the benefit of the doubt?

  Instead of refusing him as she wanted to do, she took a breath and said, “That might be nice. We can get Chloe’s Christmas knocked out.”

  The mall was packed, and all Sophie wanted was to be back home and out of the fray. Kevin was fine. In fact, Kevin did everything right. The thing was, he was Kevin and not Josh. She compared them constantly.

  One thing she noticed more than anything was her own suspicions. She had lived for a decade wondering if Kevin was in a cycle of cheating, so even that day she found herself wondering if it were a woman every time he would take a call and walk away. Then when he would get a text, he would turn his back as if to shield her from seeing.

  Josh was the opposite of that. Whatever he was watching or reading on his phone, he would say, “Check this out.” In such moments, she had no choice; he would show her so that she would laugh with him. Never once did she wonder about him. Any man who had waited so long for his chance with her could be trusted. Kevin – not so
much.

  Back at her house and ready for him to be gone, Sophie said, “I’m pretty beat. I think I’ll rest for a while.”

  Kevin sat on the sofa and pulled her down with him. “Stretch out and take a little nap. I’ll watch with the TV muted.”

  “No. I think I’d rather be alone.”

  He sighed and moved to the edge of his seat. “Are you in still in love with him?”

  Her response was immediate. “Yes.”

  “I suspected.” He took her hand. “It’ll fade in time. I believe that. I’ll wait. If that’s next month or next year, I’ll wait.”

  Before she could respond, he said, “Just let me come home. I want to wash dishes with you. I want the life we had.”

  “I don’t want that life back, Kevin. It was never the life I wanted. You chiseled at me and chipped away until I fit into some mold you created as the ideal – like your parents’ life. Honestly, I don’t even think you know me. You want to go back to a lie. That woman wasn’t even me.

  “What you're looking for isn't something I can give you. I've told you this before, and you’ve ignored me. You're searching for something in the physical world that can only be found in the spiritual realm. You're lost, and I can't save you.”

  “Then help me find my way.”

  That was it! That was the moment she had prayed for most during the last years of her marriage, for Kevin to admit he needed God.

  “I'm tempted to believe I can help you find your way, but I can't. You have to pursue God. It's a personal journey.” She went and grabbed a Bible from the shelf.

  “I almost gave this away when you left. It was your Christmas gift over ten years ago, but I can't remember you ever opening it. I hope you will now.”

  He took the Bible and thumbed through the pages.

  Sophie said, “I want you to find what you’re looking for.”

  What more could she say? “I really do want some time alone now. But I enjoyed the day with you and being Chloe’s parents together.”

  “I’m not giving up on you.”

  She just stood there with no response.

  When he was gone, she pulled leftovers from the fridge and ate right out of the bowl of sweet potatoes. She smiled at that benefit of living alone.