Switching Gears

by Chantele Sedgwick

  He chuckles again, and before I know it, his arm is around my shoulders.

  “Your turn. Tell me something else I don’t know about you.”

  “A truth?”

  “Yep.”

  “Fine.” I cuddle up against him and look up at the stars. “I have trust issues …”

  I feel him nod next to me. “That’s a shocker.”

  I should feel offended, but I’m not. “I’m getting better. I’m sitting here with you, aren’t I?”

  “True.”

  “So, one more from you.”

  “You want to hear another one from me? I’m really not that interesting.” He unwraps his arm and grabs my hand. His grip is always so strong. Confident that I won’t pull away.

  “Sure you are. I like to hang out with you, so that says something.”

  “You don’t hang out with boring people?”

  “Not usually.”

  He laughs. “Okay. A truth.”

  “And a real one. Not some stupid one like … what food you hate the most.”

  He touches the tip of my nose. “Pickles, if you were wondering.”

  “Pickles?” I love pickles. Like, love love them. Especially the big crunchy ones. Yum.

  “They stink,” he adds as he wrinkles his nose.

  “You don’t know what you’re missing. If they had pickle ChapStick, I’d totally use it.”

  “I wouldn’t come near you then.”

  I go to shove him, but he holds me in place instead. I relax against him. It’s nice being so close to someone. He’s quiet for a moment and then he drums his fingers on my shoulder. “I’ve got a good one I think.”

  “Let’s hear it.” I snuggle closer, surprising myself for being so … bold, I guess?

  “Do you know why I bike?”

  Wasn’t expecting that. I shake my head. “No.” I’ve never thought about it before. I thought he rode because he loved it.

  “I …” He swallows. “I’ve never told anyone this, but you might as well be the first.”

  “You don’t have to tell me. If you don’t want to.”

  “I do. I promised I’d tell you a truth.”

  “Okay. But only if you’re alright with it.”

  He shifts a little, pulling me closer. My heart thumps harder in my chest. “If I would have to trust anyone, it would be you.”

  “Thanks.” I squeeze his hand. “Really. That means more than you know.”

  “Good.” He takes a deep breath. “Okay. Here goes. My name is Cole Evans, and I’m not close to my family. At all.”

  “Really? I’m sorry.”

  “My parents aren’t the greatest parents ever. I mean, they provide and all that, but we kind of had to take care of ourselves when we were little. And me, being the youngest, having no one … I’m guessing I have the biggest problem with it.” He shrugs. “My dad got a new job, so that’s why we moved here. He’s CEO for a pharmaceutical company. He’s never home. My mom works for a magazine, so she’s locked up in her office all the time. You know about my sister, and my other siblings moved out right when they turned eighteen. So, I was pretty much alone. When my parents told me we were moving, I kind of freaked out. I had everything I could ever want in California. Friends, the beach, my cousins all live there. Why would we ever want to move to Utah?”

  “I can see why you were mad. I love California.”

  “Right? Anyway, I had sponsors looking at my riding there and when we moved …” He shakes his head. “It was a rough few months. I still miss my friends. I miss my aunt and uncle. Mia and Madison’s parents. They were like real parents to me.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be.” He pulls me closer. “I’m doing fine now. It was just hard for a while. And if I wouldn’t have moved, I wouldn’t have met you.”

  “Were you wild in California? You seem like a wild child.”

  He laughs. “A wild child?” He grins. “I guess you could call me that. I wasn’t wild with the ladies, but I did do some stupid stuff.”

  “Like?”

  “I broke my ankle long boarding, which I knew before I did the trick that it would probably happen. Did it anyway. Um … I drank a little. Got arrested once. Maybe twice.”

  “You mean to tell me I’ve been hanging out with a criminal?”

  “I’ve cleaned up my act. Obviously. I was just rebelling to piss off my parents. Or to see if they cared. Which, they didn’t. Not really.” He shakes his head. “Anyway. Enough about me. Let’s hear about you.”

  “Okay.” I think about Mom. She’s one of the truths I’ve never told him, but now that he’s shared something so personal with me, I feel like I should share something with him as well. So, I do. “I have a bad habit of holding in my emotions.”

  “No …” He drags it out like he totally knows what I’m talking about.

  “Ha. Ha. Very funny. Anyway. I kind of bottle them up forever and they end up exploding every now and then.”

  “You’re not going to explode now, are you?”

  “No. You’re safe.”

  “Phew.”

  “Anyway. I’ve never been good at talking about things like my feelings with anyone but my family. But lately, I haven’t been very good about talking to them either.”

  “Why? I assumed you guys were close. From what I’ve seen and heard.”

  “We are. But …” I close my eyes and take a shaky breath. “We found out about a month ago that my mom has early Alzheimer’s.”

  “Really? How old is she?”

  “42.”

  “That’s so young. I’m so sorry.” He kisses the top of my head, and I try to control my breathing.

  “I know. I wasn’t expecting it, obviously. None of us were. Especially me and Gavin.” I sigh. “They kept it from us for six months.”

  “Really?”

  “I get why they did. They didn’t want us to worry until they knew more about it, but still. I was so mad. Still am. Why would you keep something like that from people you love? They should have told us the second they found out. It’s not fair.”

  “Sometimes keeping the truth from others is the only way to deal with hard things. I never tell anyone about my parents because I don’t want them to know my weaknesses. Not having support at home. If they did, I’d feel more vulnerable in front of people. Maybe she didn’t want you to look for the signs. Everyone forgets things once in a while, so she probably wanted to hide it until she forgot obvious things. It’s the same with you bottling up your emotions because you don’t want to burden people with your problems. Right?”

  That makes so much more sense to me. Why didn’t I think of it that way? “Huh.”

  “Are you doing okay with it? Obviously you’re not, since you said you’re not really talking to them a lot.”

  “I’m trying. Admittedly not very hard, though. I felt betrayed and angry at first. Then I wanted to forget about it and pretend nothing was wrong. And now? I’m terrified she’s going to forget about me.”

  “She wouldn’t do that.”

  “It’s a neurological disease, Cole. It’s going to happen whether she likes it or not. It’s just a matter of time.”

  “Don’t they have meds for this kind of stuff? To slow it down?”

  I shrug. “I haven’t really asked what the medicine does.”

  “Maybe you should.”

  “Probably. The whole thing stresses me out. I don’t know how to ask, mainly because I don’t want to know when she’ll start forgetting me.”

  “She might not ever forget you, Em.” He shifts a little and tilts my chin up so I’m looking at him. “You’d be very hard to forget.”

  His eyes search mine and my stomach flips and skips and does a little jig. I smile and turn away. “That’s not true, but thanks. And thank you for bringing me here. You always surprise me. And honestly, I never thought I’d be … you know … hanging out with you so much.”

  “Because I’m a womanizer, right? Or player? One-night st
and kind of guy?”

  I glance over to make sure he’s joking. From the smile I see, I know he is. “Something like that.”

  He chuckles. “Truth time.”

  “Another one? We’ve told like five truths tonight. I think that’s a record.”

  “You asked for it.”

  “Let’s hear it then.”

  “Contrary to what you think, I’m not a womanizer. If you haven’t figured it out by now.”

  “I never said those exact words.”

  “You implied.”

  I shrug.

  “I’ve only kissed two girls. And trust me when I say, I sort of regret those kisses now.”

  “I’ve been kissed once.”

  He shifts lower so his face is at my level of shortness and grins. “Do I know this person?” His face is in shadow from the darkness of the night, but as my eyes adjust on his features, I can’t help but get lost in those eyes of his. It takes me a second to answer since staring at him makes me lose my train of thought.

  “Maybe.” Please don’t guess. Please don’t guess. It was a one-time thing at a stupid party because of a stupid dare.

  “Hmmm …” He reaches over and brushes a strand of hair away from my face. “Who could this person be?”

  “I’ll never tell.” If he knew I’ve kissed Mark, I’d never hear the end of it. I have to wonder if Mark has already told him though. They are on the same biking team after all. Maybe not.

  “I bet I can get it out of you. Maybe not right now, but one of these days.”

  “Never. It’s a secret I’ll take it to my grave.”

  He chuckles and continues to stare at me. My body shakes slightly, and it’s not from the cold. The way he’s looking at me makes my heart beat faster and sends chills through my body. Good chills. He studies my reaction as he runs his fingers along my jaw and into my hair. I lean closer, my eyes closing as his lips touch mine, a whisper of a kiss. He moves closer, his lips gentle but firm as I wrap my arms around his neck.

  Kissing him makes me realize I’ve waited for this moment forever. Cole is everything I want in a guy.

  I think of Lucas, then. I never kissed Lucas. And who knows if I really was in love with him. I definitely loved him, but …

  With that thought, I pull away, giving him a small smile before I sit up. He looks disappointed as he joins me, but doesn’t say anything.

  “We’d better go. It’s getting late,” I say.

  “You’re right. I’ll start cleaning things up.” He gathers the pillows and treats and jumps off the tailgate to put them away. I hand him the blanket wrapped around me, but he shakes his head. “It’s chilly. You can keep it for now.”

  “Okay.” I pull it tight around me as he cleans up everything else. It only takes a moment before he comes back and leans on the tailgate, staring at me.

  “You ready?”

  I nod and scoot myself to the edge of the tailgate. He helps me down and walks me to the passenger door. I should say something. I need to say something, but my mind won’t cooperate. So I stand there and go through the motions of climbing in the truck, shutting the door, and buckling.

  The ride home is silent, save for the radio playing softly in the background. He doesn’t reach for my hand, doesn’t say anything, and avoids my eyes when I look over at him.

  Why do I always have to screw everything up?

  We make it back to my house pretty fast. He opens my door to help me out and I smile at him when my feet touch the ground. He shuts the door, but instead of walking me to the porch, he leans against the truck with his arms folded. His gaze meets mine and all these different feelings hit me at once, almost knocking me breathless.

  “What?” I ask as he stares at me.

  “Just thinking.”

  “You can tell me. You look like you want to.”

  He shrugs. “Maybe I do.”

  “Then say it.” I think about taking it back. Maybe I don’t want to know what he’s thinking. But the truth is, I want to know everything he’s thinking.

  He takes a step closer, his eyes on mine. “Something’s been on my mind lately.”

  “Okay?” Oh, no.

  “What are we?”

  “What do you mean?” Here it comes. The conversation I’ve been dreading. I can’t handle this. Not now. How do I tell him I don’t know what I’m feeling? That I need more time to figure out my jumbled thoughts. My broken, but healing heart.

  “Me and you. I …” He lets out a frustrated breath. “In the truck … Didn’t that mean anything to you?”

  I hesitate, choosing my words carefully. It meant so much. Too much. But I can’t tell him that. I don’t want him to waste his time on someone who can’t be everything he wants and needs right now. So I lie. “We’re friends.” I clear my throat. “I don’t know how to be anything else.”

  He laughs, but I can tell it’s fake. “Friends. That’s all you see us as?”

  I swallow and nod. “Of course.”

  Another step closer. My heart beats a little faster. “I don’t think I agree.”

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t see you as a friend, Emmy. Friends talk and make jokes. Hang out all the time. But every time I’m with you … the only thing I want to do is kiss you. And after taking the chance tonight, I really want to do it again.”

  The breath whooshes out of my lungs and my heart hammers in my chest as he takes another step closer. I wish I could run. Run in the house and not look back, but I can’t. There’s something in his expression. The way he’s staring at me with those big, hazel, gorgeous eyes that makes me freeze in place. I couldn’t run away even if I wanted to.

  “Cole …” I start.

  He’s inches away now. He reaches down and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “Don’t tell me you have to go clean your house or something right now. It would totally kill the moment.”

  I chuckle. “No. I wasn’t going to say that.”

  “Good.” His other hand touches my cheek, and I shiver.

  “Cole,” I whisper.

  “Yes?”

  “I don’t know what to do.”

  “About what?”

  “About us.”

  He leans in and panic bubbles in my chest. His lips are so close. So close I could lean in and touch them again with my own. And as much as I want to fight the feeling, I can’t. “Emmy. I know you can feel whatever is going on between us. And I know you loved Lucas. But at least let me try. Let me try to be the person you want to be with.”

  I shiver. “Okay.”

  “What?” He pulls back a little, his eyes finding mine.

  “I said okay.” I smile, my cheeks heating.

  He touches his forehead to mine. “Really?” I can hear the smile in his voice before he slides a hand to my cheek and kisses me again. Soft, but enough to make me almost melt. “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For letting me in. Even if it’s just a little. I care too much about you to let you walk away now.” He leans in again and, as his lips touch mine, I slowly wrap my arms around his neck, all thoughts of my broken heart gone.

  CHAPTER 28

  Kelsie squeals again and dances around my room. “You have got to be kidding me!”

  I blush and try not to spill nail polish on my bedspread. “Nope. Not kidding.”

  “So, is he, you know. An amazing kisser?”

  “Yes. Not that I have a lot of experience, but … uh … it was nice.”

  She sighs. “I knew it.”

  “How can you know someone’s going to be a good kisser?”

  “Have you looked at him lately? That’s how you know.”

  I chuckle and twist the nail polish lid back on before setting it on my night stand. I admire my blue toes and grab a few flower decals to stick on. “Remember when we first met?”

  “Ugh. Don’t remind me.”

  “Cute new girl runs into tetherball pole as the whole sixth grade looks on.”

  “Blood was
everywhere. Oh, the memories. I was such a nerd.”

  “There were so many boys who would have happily taken you to the office. But I was the lucky one who you picked.” I smile. “I was so happy I got to miss class for an hour to sit with you.”

  “I’m glad my pain made you happy.” She grins and grabs some purple polish. “And I’m glad you were there. We were meant to be besties. You know that, right?”

  “Of course.” I really don’t know what I’d do without her. Life would be a lot more boring.

  “I never got as close to Oakley. Even when all three of us hung out. She was always kind of distant.”

  “Worried about Lucas, I’m sure.”

  “Yeah.” She’s thoughtful as she finishes painting her toenails. “So, when are you and Cole going out again?”

  “He’s taking me riding today. The Back Country race is next week, so we’re gonna train every other day until it’s here.”

  “You’ll do awesome.”

  “Maybe.”

  “How’s your mom?”

  “No idea.”

  “Still haven’t talked to her?”

  I shake my head. “No.”

  “Sorry.”

  “It’s fine. I don’t know how to talk to her anymore. Which is stupid. Nothing’s really changed yet. I’m just …”

  “Scared.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Understandable.” She blows on her toes for a second before reaching toward the desk. “Hand me those decals?”

  I throw the pack over to her.

  “Holy cuteness.” She sticks a few on her toes and wiggles them to show me. “We’re totally cute.”

  “For sure.”

  A song comes on my iPod then and Kelsie’s eyes light up. She jumps off the bed and turns it up, blasting it through my room. “I love this song!”

  Kelsie’s good at everything, but the thing she excels at is dancing. And she’s definitely getting her groove on. I would join her, but if anyone saw me dance, they’d tell me to stop trying and sit down. Besides my clogging, I can’t dance. Especially hip-hop and stuff. My body doesn’t move like that.

  So I sit and watch.

  And laugh. A lot.

  While Kelsie’s jamming out, Gavin pokes his head in my room. And you know in the movies when the music suddenly stops playing when something embarrassing happens and all eyes find the person being embarrassed?