Fall From Love

by Heather London

  Josh shifts around the counter and leans over Carter’s shoulder. “Hell, no. You just ate boxed macaroni? Dude, seriously?” He flicks Carter in the head. “You couldn’t have cooked the girl some spaghetti... or maybe something with a vegetable in it.”

  Carter rolls his eyes and I laugh; a real one this time. It feels good and allows some of the tension that is built up between Carter and me to dissipate.

  “I’m actually gonna go. I’ve got a ton of stuff to do before we head out for Thanksgiving.” I stand up and Carter stands with me.

  “I’ll walk you out,” he says, still not meeting my gaze. With each passing second, I feel more awkward and regret the things I said to him earlier, knowing I should have just kept my mouth shut. Right now, I just want to get out of here as quickly as possible.

  “Later,” Josh yells as I walk out of the kitchen. “Have fun and keep my girl out of trouble.”

  “I will,” I say, walking into the living room, knowing the moment I reach the door and turn to face Carter, it’s going to be miserably uncomfortable between us.

  “You don’t have to walk me to my car or anything,” I say, turning around before we get there. “Thanks for dinner, though, I thought your macaroni was good.”

  Josh peaks his head around the corner. “Did I miss something? I swear I just heard you say that boxed macaroni was good. Is macaroni a code word for something else maybe? Maybe something a little sexier?” He wiggles his eyebrows.

  “Dude, seriously, I’m gonna come in there and kick your ass if you don’t shut it,” Carter says, turning to glare over his left shoulder.

  Josh disappears back behind the wall and the moment between us became even more awkward, something I didn’t think was possible.

  “Thanks for breakfast,” he says, shoving his hands into his jeans pockets. I feel like he wants to say something else, but after a few more seconds of silence, I realize that whatever he wants to say isn’t going to make it out of his mouth. Not right now, at least.

  “I’ll see you later, then,” I say.

  He nods. “Yeah, I’ll see you after the break. Maybe I’ll call you, though, okay?”

  Maybe I’ll call you? “Okay.” My voice feels thick and I can feel the tears starting to sting my eyes. It’ll only be a matter of seconds before they make it out.

  “Damn, would you two just kiss already? It would be so much easier for everyone if you guys would just get it over with,” Josh yells and I nearly die of embarrassment.

  ❧

  The entire drive home I try to dissect what we said to each other. Or really, what I had said to him. There wasn’t a lot of talking on his end, except for when he said, “For the record, I knew you were lying,” and “but hearing you say it, it means a lot.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I haven’t been clear enough. Maybe I should just come right out and say what I really mean... what I’ve wanted to tell him for a couple weeks now. Tell him that I am starting to have feelings for him. Tell him that he has given me a reason to breathe again... to smile again and maybe even love again.

  I’m not in love with Carter just yet, but the fact that it’s even a possibility is a huge step for me. Love isn’t something I planned on feeling again in my life.

  I didn’t think a love like what Adam and I had could happen twice, so I had given up on the whole idea of it. Even caring for someone again was not something I planned on doing anytime soon. Then I couldn’t help questioning, how soon is too soon to move on? And am I sure that I want to move on? Am I really ready for that?

  There is one thing that I am sure of, my heart aches when we are apart and it doesn’t stop aching until I see him again. So many emotions flood my mind and I find it hard to keep the tears locked inside. The entire drive home, even the entire way up the stairs to my apartment, I have done a great job of fighting them off.

  “Hey, where have you been all day?” Jenna asks, turning her head in my direction when I shut the door. She’s lying on the couch with a textbook propped up against her knees.

  “I was with Carter.” My voice cracks when I say his name.

  She closes the textbook and sits up to face me. “Oh?”

  Curiosity is written all over her face as I set my purse on the counter and wait for the questions to start. I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying not to let the tears fall. I’m trying to tell myself that I don’t really want to feel like this again and that it’s better to just shut my feelings off.

  Jenna’s off the couch and beside me now, her eyes are cautious as she looks over my features. “Holly, what’s wrong?

  I don’t say anything, but the tears begin to fall and I know there’s no holding them back now.

  “Did he hurt you? I’ll kill him if he hurt you.” Her tone is serious.

  I cry harder, grabbing her and pulling her close.

  “Hey, hey, hey… it’s alright. Whatever it is, it’ll be okay. I’m here.”

  I shake my head. “It won’t be… it’s not okay.”

  “Come on, let’s sit down and you can tell me.”

  When we get to the couch, I collapse down onto it and bury my head in my hands as she wraps her arms around me.

  “C’mon, tell me what happened.” Her voice is soft and soothing, almost motherly.

  Through my tears, I explain to Jenna how I had gone over to Carter’s this morning to make him breakfast. I tell her about the whole misunderstanding with Kelly, the great day we spent together, and, finally, about how I told Carter how I feel… or tried to tell him how I feel. I tell her how Carter has been really sweet and always knows just what to say. I tell her how he makes me feel things that I never thought I’d feel again.

  “Holly, all of that sounds great. Did something else happen? You’re confusing the shit outta me.”

  “That’s the problem,” I say, my throat feeling thick. “Nothing happened!” I cry out through my tears. “I like being around him, I miss him when he’s gone. I like him, Jenna!”

  “And all of this... it’s a bad thing, right?” she asks, her tone guarded.

  “Yes!” I blurt out, looking at her.

  “Oh.” Her features soften. “I get it... I think? You don’t want to like him?”

  “No! I don’t think so! I don’t know! I’m so confused.” I raise my hands up in the air and let them fall back into my lap. “How he reacted tonight, I don’t think he feels the same as me and I may have just ruined everything! Then I can’t help having all these other feelings. Feelings like maybe it’s too soon. Maybe I shouldn’t be feeling like this about someone,” I finish my outburst and bury my head back in my hands.

  “Hon, you can’t run from love for the rest of your life. Your heart will tell you when it’s ready to move on. Don’t fight it so much.”

  “I just didn’t expect it to be him.” I choke back the tears. “I’m a stupid, stupid girl.”

  “Hey, we can’t choose who we love, Holls. The heart wants what it wants.”

  There’s a long silence between us.

  “So what do you think you’re going to do?” she asks.

  I shake my head. “I don’t know. I feel like an idiot. The way he looked at me, I’m not sure he has the same feelings I do.”

  She pulls away and looks me in the eyes. “Seriously, are you that clueless? The guy is...” her voice trails off. “It’s not my place to say, but I think you need to talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel.”

  “I tried to tonight, it just came out wrong.”

  “Maybe this break next week will be a good thing, then. It will give you some time to think about what you want,” she says, giving me a smile.

  I nod. “Yeah, maybe.”

  “Will you be okay?”

  Laughing, I wipe away my tears.

  “What’s so funny?” she asks, looking confused.

  “I was just getting used to you not asking me that all the time.”

  She smiles again. “I’ll try to keep it to ten times a day or
less over Thanksgiving break.”

  “I’m going to take a hot shower,” I say, taking a deep breath in, feeling a heaviness in my chest.

  After taking a few steps, I stop and turn around to face her. “Thanks, Jenna. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

  She sighs and falls back onto the couch. “I am pretty badass, aren’t I?”

  ❧

  I’ve been standing in the shower so long now that the hot water knob is the only one turned on and lukewarm water is barely coming out of it. Shutting off the water, I tear back the shower curtain and reach for my towel. The hot water helped relax me, but it can’t help take away the emptiness that is still in my chest. I’m not sure anything can help that right now.

  As I’m clearing off an area on the foggy mirror, there’s a soft knock at the door. Without even opening the door, I know it’s just Jenna and she’s just checking on me.

  “I’m almost done,” I call out.

  “Holly, can you open up the door for a sec?” Jenna asks, her voice guarded.

  Grabbing my robe, I wrap it around myself and pull the door open a crack. “What?” I can now see that her strained voice matches an even more worrisome expression. “What is it?” I ask again, feeling my heart pick up speed.

  “Carter’s here.”

  My stomach drops and my throat feels tight. “Shit,” I breathe.

  “Do you want me to ask him to leave?”

  “No,” I blurt out a little too quickly and maybe with a little too much enthusiasm. “Just tell him I’ll be a minute.”

  She nods and I shut the door. My mind is so distracted and nervous that I don’t even know what to do first. Clothes, Holly. Clothes would be good.

  When I see the coast is clear I run back to my room and throw on a black and gold CU sweatshirt that is lying on my bed and pull on a pair of jeans. As I’m buttoning my jeans, I get a quick glance in the mirror and can see that my eyes are still red and puffy from crying. I blink hard, wondering if I should put on some makeup, yet I know that nothing is going to hide it, especially nothing in the next minute or so. Pulling my hair up into a tight bun on the top of my head, I slip my feet into a pair of flip flops. My movements get quicker when I realize that he and Jenna are probably out there talking, right now, at this very moment. I’d rather leave a hungry bear alone with him right now than Jenna. I hurry out the door, not caring too much what I look like anymore.

  When I enter the living room, I see Jenna sitting on the couch, flipping through channels.

  “Jenna, where is he?” I ask looking around.

  “He said that he wanted to wait outside.” She shrugs and meets my eyes.

  “What? Jenna, it’s freezing outside!”

  “Yeah, that’s what I told him.”

  Rolling my eyes, I turn on my heels and head for the door, feeling awful that he has been out there this whole time. When I look to my right, I see him standing at the end of the breezeway, bouncing up and down, trying to keep warm. His hands are stuffed in his jean’s pockets and his back is turned towards me. For a moment, I stand there and watch him, enjoying the warm, fuzzy feeling that’s swirling around inside me. It’s one of those times where I wish I could capture the moment and bottle it forever. My feelings and emotions have been all over the place the past few weeks. There is a small part of me that doesn’t want to care for Carter the way I do because I know the risk of caring for someone. However, this feeling is also very special to me because it wasn’t long ago that I accepted that I would never feel like this again.

  “Hey,” I say. He turns around and gives me a small grin. His expression has made a complete change from just a few hours ago when we said goodbye. My insides clench as he begins to walk towards me. His nose is bright red from the cold and, when he exhales, a trail of steam follows.

  “Hi.” He shivers, stopping just a few feet from me.

  “You must be freezing. Why don’t you come inside?” I offer.

  “I’m fine, but your hair is wet. Are you cold?”

  I’m not sure if it’s the nerves buzzing around inside me or what, but at the moment, I’m not cold at all. “I’m okay for now.”

  “Sorry to just show up like this. I just didn’t like the way we ended things earlier.” He squints and his eyes search my face. “Are you okay?”

  “You could’ve just called,” I say, not answering his question.

  His eyes hold mine, unwavering. “No, we won’t see each other next week and there are a few things I want to say to you, and I want to say them in person.” He sniffs and takes a couple steps closer until we’re only inches apart. I can’t take my eyes off him and the closer I look, I could swear that he looks like he’s been crying, too.

  “What you said earlier today, I know what you meant, I mean, I know what you were trying to say at least. I feel the same way.” He pinches the space between his eyes, looking frustrated with himself. “It’s just, I’ve been telling myself that I shouldn’t feel like this about you. When we first started hanging out, I just wanted us to be friends. I wanted you to look at me without all the pain in your eyes. I wanted to see you smile. I wanted to hear you laugh. I didn’t want anything more than that.” He turns around and walks a few steps away from me. “But, dammit, I’m having all these other feelings now. It’s not something I expected, I don’t know what to do about them, and it’s scaring the shit outta me.”

  He glances at me and I don’t miss the way his eyes scan over my lips before they finally meet my gaze. I swallow hard and can feel my chest rising and falling in quick movements. “When I said all of this in my head on the way over, it sounded so much better.” He sucks on his bottom lip, almost as if he’s hesitating on whether or not he should continue.

  I’m about to open my mouth, to say something to break the silence, but he begins again and I find myself holding my breath. “What I’m trying to say is that I’m not sure if we should cross this line because, if we do and for some reason it doesn’t work out, I’m not sure we can go back to the way we are now.” He stops talking and I remind myself to breathe, hoping I’m strong enough to hold the tears inside until I’m back inside the apartment.

  He takes a couple steps towards me and I back up until I hit the wall. When I realize there’s nowhere else to go, I feel the tears building inside me and I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to hang on. He raises his right hand and wraps his fingers around the side of my neck, using his thumb to caress my cheek. I’m tempted to close my eyes, lean my head back, and enjoy his touch, but I don’t.

  “If I ask you something, will you be honest with me?” he asks, searching my eyes.

  I nod my head slowly.

  “Have you been crying?” His eyebrows knit as he scans my face.

  Against my better judgment, I nod again.

  His jaw clenches and the grip he has on my neck tightens. It doesn’t hurt, but the pressure causes the ache in my chest to worsen. It’s taking everything I have inside me not to kiss him right now.

  “I’m not trying to hurt you, Holly. I’m trying to protect you. Please don’t misunderstand me. I want you. I want to be with you. I’m just not sure if I should.”

  I nod again because I’m not sure what to say in return. There’s also the fear that if I open my mouth to speak, tears will soon follow.

  “But damn if it’s not killing me not to kiss you right now.” He glances at my lips and then his head falls forward, landing next to my cheek. I can feel his warm breath down my neck and I nearly break apart right then. My head falls back and I close my eyes, trying to force out the anxiety, the fear, and the desire... all the emotions that are swimming around inside me.

  “Kiss me,” I whisper, surprised to hear those words escape my lips. All of my defenses are down and I’m just not strong enough to resist him anymore. I want him. I want all of him.

  Pulling back, he looks at me with a torn expression, like he’s fighting an internal struggle within himself. Without hesitation, I lean in and softly
press my lips to his. His lips are warm and soft, I can feel the resistance in them. Finally, giving in, he kisses me back with so much force that my whole body is pushed back, pressed firmly against the wall. One of his hands grips tighter around my neck while the other hand travels up to my waist and then around to my lower back, pressing my whole body against him. The sudden closeness causes the smallest whimper to escape me and I know that there’s no turning back now. The line has been crossed.

  Bringing up both of my hands, I shove them into his hair and pull him down harder to me, pressing my tongue even farther into his mouth. He pulls my bottom lip into his mouth, biting it gently before running his tongue along the length of it and I can’t help moaning again. Before I even understand what’s happening, he pulls away, breathing heavy.

  “That wasn’t in my plans,” he says, resting his forehead on mine.

  “Yeah.” I lick my lips, trying to savor the taste of him. “That was all me. Sorry.”

  Both hands come up and cradle my face, holding it steady, forcing me to look at him. “Don’t be sorry.”

  He slowly removes his hands from my face and takes a few steps back. Closing my eyes, I try to pull myself together. My thoughts are going a mile a minute in about a million different directions.

  “Carter,” I whisper as I open my eyes and stare at the back of him. He turns around slowly and it hurts me to witness his face. He looks about as torn as I feel.

  “Before you say anything, I just want you to think about a few things, okay?” he says. “Think about us. Think about our friendship and what it means to you because, for me, that’s the only thing keeping me from kissing you again. Everything that is messed up in my life, everything that doesn’t make sense, every pain, every worry, it all disappears when you’re with me. Life’s good. It’s better and I can’t,” he pauses, “I can’t lose that. I can’t lose you because most days, you’re the only thing holding me together.”

  I nod my head because I know exactly how he feels. The last few months, since Carter has been in my life, life has been better. He helps the dark days seem brighter and just the thought of not having him in my life, scares me more than anything.